Doormat

Hi everyone, this is my first time here. I've talked to family, friends, counselors and "experts" but I haven't spoken to anyone who really knows what I'm going. I haven't spoken to anyone who is in the same situation that I am in. And I guess that's why I'm here. Most importantly I'm looking for the "what to do answers", which seems, no one else really wants to provide.

Today is a difficult day. My SO just contacted me after returning from a 3 day binge. He came back home from rehad last week. Early I might add because the doctor there said "things just weren't working out." My SO on the other hand apologized sincerely for the first time in 5 years. Being away made him realize what he has put myself and our 2 year old daughter through. He proposed to me on Saturday. A wonderful dinner, a beautiful ring and a promise of new happiness.

Little did I know days later we would be back where we had been before. I feel like a fool. I'm kicking myself for falling for the promise of change, a new beginning, that maybe this time it was a change that would be forever.

Days ago I left the house with my daughter in tow and a suitcase full of our clothing. We are at my parents - a place that I have run to befoe. But this time its different, I don't want to go back. I just don't know how to end it. Or if I should end it. I just know this is destroying my daughter and I, and potentially our future. But how can I abandon him? How could I live with myself if something happened to him?

Can anyone out there tell me about that moment when enough was just enough and how did you get through it?

Jazzman

Welcome to SR doormat. You have found a place with plenty of people in the same situation you can talk to.
For me, it was when I was sick and tired of being sick an tired of enduring the pain of watching a loved one slowly kill herself with self destructive behavior after self destructive behavior. How am I getting through it? Education, support, therapy and friends here at SR.

Pull up a chair and read the stickys at the top of the forum page. Lots of good stuff there. Here's a favorite of mine from the best of SR forum I share with newcomers.
10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ad.php?t=89886

I followed each suggestion as if my emotional health depended on it and I'm glad I did.

prodigal

... only helpless infants who are left on a doorstep are truly abandoned. An adult can make choices and take care of himself or herself. I know what you're feeling and it's a feeling of responsibility mixed with regret and hurt. It's okay to take responsibility for other people to an extent, but not to the extent that you, me, or anyone else can get them clean and sober. In other words, if I saw someone laying in the street who was going into a diabetic coma, I would feel responsible to call 911 and get that person immediate help.

How did I know when it was time to let go? For me, personally, it came when I realized that he was going through the motions of working a program but didn't want sobriety more than he wanted to drink. He claimed he tried, but it was a rather feeble attempt. Those who maintain sobriety do so because it is the most important thing in their lives. For many, it boils down to being a life-or-death matter.

When my AH picked up again, I realized he had deep-seated emotional issues and problems that he was avoiding. He was self-medicating. And, most importantly, he was emotionally disconnected from himself and thus emotionally unavailable to me.

He still tries to remain sober, but without a sponsor and a program, I take his attempts with a grain of salt. I also realize it's his struggle and not mine. I got to the point that I could no longer endure the heartache and pain of watching the man I loved destroy himself. That is why I am sitting on the hotel computer in Phoenix right now, where I'm looking for employment, a place to live, and developing a great support system.

Keep posting. We care about what is happening with you and how you're feeling. Get into Al-Anon. Give it a try. It will be a valuable tool in helping you to get connected to yourself and to detach with love. It takes work and commitment, but it DOES work - if you are willing to work the program.

I wish you the best.

mfisher

Welcome to SR.
I have experienced the broken promises over and over and over. I kicked myself many times.
I want to say run like the wind, but I know in my heart what you are going thru. I stayed 23 years, would I have left any sooner because someone told me to, the answer is no. I had to feel it my heart, I had to reach my bottom.
I had to start caring more about me, my life was falling apart before my very eyes. I had to put me first. Very hard to do.
All I can tell you if he continues to drink nothing will change, it will only get worse, can you live with worse?
If he gains sobriety, it will be a lifelong challenge are you ready for that?
I have 3 grown children and see the damage that has been done.
Get help for yourself, educate yourself on alcoholism and the effects it has on family.
The decision will come from you, we are here to listen,share and support you.

blizzard77

When I found out AH had quit drinking "on his own" and subsituted that with a percocet habit, that was my enough is enough. He skipped town to visit his kids when this all came out. So my plan was to meet with a lawyer and change the locks on the house.
My plan changed, when he called crying saying he needed help and wanted to go into and inpatient rehab.
I said if what he was saying was true, I'd support him all the way. It was the first weekend visit when I saw a different man. A humble man with hope in his eyes and honesty spewing from his lips.
Still sober six months later but that man in rehab has been replaced with a depressed, angry, irresponsible (was always this way) man. He attends AA meetings but things are worse than before. IMHO.
So, I don't know when enough is enough. I don't know if our marriage will survive this, I don't know if he'll start drinking/drugging again?
I do know that I am done worrying about what he does or dosen't do.
I try to live my life and let him live his. Yes, we live in the same house but have separate rooms, work schedule's and very little communication. We have an appointment to see a therapist Sept 12th. I'm staying or should I say I'm allowing him to stay (my house), because he's not drinking. I'm still confused about it all. I thought life would be better if he just stopped drinking/drugging but it's anything but......I guess everyone has a breaking point, I just don't know what mine is right now. If he wouldn't have gone into rehab I would've filed for divorce, but he did so now what??? I have no clue. I just go to alanon meetings, do a lot of reading, spend a lot of time on SR..it's short I'm working on me. That's all I know for sure today.

denny57

Welcome, Doormat

For me, too, it was that I was sick and tired - also our doctor told me I was ruining my health. I attend Al-Anon, see a therapist, have doctor visits once a month, attend open AA meetings, have a great support system of friends and come here to SR. I know Toronto has some great Al-Anon meetings, so if you're interested in that they have a great website for your area. I believe they have meetings with babysitting, too. Face to face meetings with others who absolutely understand what I am going through has proven invaluable.

Keep posting and take care.

Doormat

Wow - you are really out there! Thank you all for your responses. I feel like a fool here sitting in front of my computer balling, but its a good cry - relief that there are those that understand. Your comments are all inspiring and I've printed out the 10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem and put it into my pocket so that I will always have it with me - reminding me!

mfisher

I think most of us have cried at our computer from the support here. It is such a relief to know you are not alone and yes it is a good cry.
I am amazed I haven't been electrocuted with all the tears I have spilled on my keyboard.

wraybear

Doormat, yes, we all do know almost exactly what you are going through. It is very difficult. All I can say is, he probably won't get better unless he embraces the AA program. It has been about the only thing that has been proven to help alcoholics. Yes, there are some exceptions, but those are rare. Back in the 40's doctors were stunned with the fact they had been trying to help addicts and basically they institutionalized them and nothing was working, then came along Dr. Bob and Bill W. promoting a new way of life for addicts and alcoholics lives were finally being changed.

I remember my first few visits here, I was crying so hard I could hardly type, but there were people here who understood. No one else really understands. So glad you found these wonderful people.

THere is nothing you can do, other than not enable him. Read read read and work on your own stuff, and you will soon start to feel peaceful, confident and happy again.

Take care.

loveofmylife06

I also am at a "crossroad" with my AH. It sucks....there is no true answer except to find yourself and work on YOU. I am new to all this too and I did start Al-non in June 2006. I have also read a lot on my behaviors and his. Al-non has helped me the most but I have a long way to go still. What is the hardest is that most days are sober and then the binge comes and then I lose all of what I have been learning. Thats when I throw up my arms and want to run far away as possible. I have 3 children with AH and they adore him but they too are watching and seeing what daddy is doing and that sucks too. My AH is such a nice, funny, wonderful guy EXCEPT when he uses! I know he has a lot of guilt, but damn it I can't take it anymore....
I hate how he has made me feel......I feel like I caused all this, I feel like I deserve this, I feel like I have ruined his life, I feel like I am not good enough....I want to put him in my shoes to say hey, how does it feel?
But I know thru Al-non, that this is called co-dependency it is also progressive and does not work!
I am on the verge of packing up me and the kids too!
I understand.........

loveofmylife06

LaTeeDa

I have to disagree with this all-inclusive, one way only, statement. I, too was told that if my husband didn't go to AA, there was no hope of him ever finding sobriety. That is just plain wrong! Thank goodness I did not listen and make my decisions based on such a narrow point of view.

My husband has been to a total of two AA meetings in a year. He didn't like them, didn't understand how in the world being around a bunch of sober drunks could help him stay sober. He's been sober now for almost 11 months, and the change in him is amazing. He quit drinking with no 'program,' and he's doing great. He started going to counseling, but only after he was sober for 3 or 4 months. (And before anyone starts with the 'dry drunk' thing, no, he is not still acting like he did while he was drinking, either.)

There was a point when I was about to divorce him and walk away, just because he wouldn't go to AA. I listened to some on this board and some I know face to face, who were convinced that it was the only way. I am so thankful I listened to my gut instead. There are as many ways to sobriety as there are alcoholics. And my marriage would not be on the way to healing if I would have listened to advice like the above.

L

denny57

Before I jump to conclusions, did you mean this to be an insult? It sounds like one and I want to say I have met many fine people in the rooms of AA and I wouldn't label them "sober drunks." If it isn't, I'd still same the same.

LaTeeDa

Denny, those were my husband's words, not mine. I have no idea if he meant it as an insult or not. I took it to mean that he just didn't 'get' how AA could possibly help him.

L

DesertEyes

Hey people, please don't get hung up on labels. They're just words and they mean different things to different people. We can't see each others face, or hear the tone in our voice, so please take it easy when interpreting other people's intentions.

We are here to be supportive of each other in whatever path we choose for recovery. Please remember that.

Mike

LaTeeDa

The point I was trying to make in responding to the comments on this thread was that I nearly made a HUGE mistake by thinking "AA is the only way." Once I stopped thinking that way and started watching actions and trusting my gut, things became much clearer.

L

FormerDoormat

LTD: I don't think Wray's view is narrow-minded. It's simply her view and lots of folks share it. It's really not important how an addict achieves lasting sobriety. What's important is that they do.

Welcome to the forum, Doormat. When I finished typing my first post in SR, I kept refreshing my screen as the tears fell on my keyboard, all the while saying to myself, "somebody please answer me." Although it was very late at night, in just a few minutes, the kind folks here chimed in and offered me love and support.

So we not only share a similar name, we share a similar story. Here's hoping you, too, will be a FormerDoormat one day. Of course, then you may have to pick a new name....

Welcome to the forum.

wraybear

Doormat, sorry, my typing too fast without thinking made the interpretation a little strong. What I should have said is it is rare for someone to just stop drinking on their own. I know I sat around waiting for my A to stop and had dreams of when he did our lives will get better. 15 years later and I was still on the same rollercoaster. Waiting for him to stop drinking. My point is/was nothing changes if nothing changes and I hope you don't wait around for him to get sober like I did.

This is about YOU, not him. If you are on the same rollercoaster today that you were on yesterday, you can choose to get off of it whether he is sober or not. I waited 15 years. Whether you choose to stay with him or not, you can get off the rollercoaster. I hope you can do so soon. Reading about codependency, joining Al-Anon or a local church group and seeking counsel will all help you find yourself again. Support groups are WONDERFUL things! Just like this place. People sharing from their experiences. I had to humble myself and realize I may not like everything someone says, but I can learn something from almost every single post.

After 15 years of being on a similar rollercoaster ride as you, I quite frankly couldn't trust my gut instincts. I had to have someone tell me to breath!!!! I was a very sick individual after living with the disease for so long. Learning to trust myself again was a huge recovery step for me. And, being confident in my choices has also been something I am working on daily.

I also had to ask myself this question - how could I live with myself if he died. I did "kick" my A out, and he almost died twice. I felt exactly like you before we separated, but once we were separated and I realized how peaceful and calm my life became and my childrens lives, I knew it had nothing to do with me. Him drinking alcohol may cause him to die. Not my fault. Now, he didn't die, and who knows how I would have felt if he did.

I hope and pray you find peace and calmness whether you choose to live with him or not.

Take care.