HeatherSpartan

Hi all,

Wow, Im looking for some good advice. I divorced my husband almost 3 years ago because the drinking got so bad I couldnt deal with it. The deal breaker came when I walked in on him cheating on me- I havent seen him since that day. More things happened previous to this event- every possible scenerio... My family hates him.


We've kept in touch big time since the divorce... he lives in another state and we havent seen each other in almost 3 years. He is still drinking, and will often call me drunk.

I am still in love with him like crazy. I cant tell anyone this because they all hate him and dont understand the disease of alcoholism. I understand this disease very well now- ive certainly done a lot of reseach and gone to alanon meetings.

Obviously, I cant tell the entire story of him and I on this forum, but he and i are best friends, and Im happy we've been able to carry a friendship even through all our turmoil. Lately though, I've really wanted to see him and not get back together, but really start to know each other again.

Is this horrible?

Thanks,

Heather

guyinNC

Listen to your family. They love you too.

I would have to say if he is still drinking, I would stay away.

lostnotfound

Oh Boy.

Obviously I can't answer this for you, but I would tell you to ask yourself:

1. What behaviors caused you to get a divorce 3 years ago?

2. Have those behaviors changed?

3. If not, why do you think things would be different if you got back together?

Minx1969

Heather -

What's changed???

He's still drinking (an as you know..it's progressive)

So..if you couldn't deal with it then - how is it going to be any better today?

HeatherSpartan

I dont think I had the tools to deal with it then... I was always arguing with him, nagging and pleading with him to quit drinking. I think now I could live with him and not let his drinking control my happiness as well- before I used to let his drinking upset my entire day. I would hope by doing this it may cause him to seek treatment for himself...

Maybe I feel like he is the one for me and I want to be supportive to him. I want to avoid saying "i want to fix him" because i know i cant.

I just cant imagine my life without him.

Cynay

For me that is why I had to go no contact.

We all love our A's very much and if I had continued any kind of relationship with him after we ended I would have gotten sucked back into it. Its easy to be on your best behavior when you dont live with someone. Not to mention if I had him still in my life as a best friend I would never be motivated to seek anything better.

Its already been said the ....

The defination of Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.... What has changed?

HeatherSpartan

Nothing has changed...I mean, he has admitted to his problem, but he hasnt stopped drinking....

I couldnt imagine stopping contact. Theres no way. I love him too much.

Minx1969

So how long have you been in Alanon?

Do you have a sponsor? do you work the steps?

In three years - he's changed too..and if he's still drinking - it's not for the better..

I too thought that I could be a "martyr" and support my now exabf...I would give and give..I would take him back.

all the while..nothing truly changed - except I lost a little bit more of myself day by day.

Don't you think you deserve better then someone who is drinking?

Why settle?? Yes..you love him...

we all love our A's...

I just knew this wasn't how I wanted to live my life. Watching someone I love destroy themselves.

pmaslan

Have you read any of the stories here?
I can't believe that you have forgotten how awful it is to
live with a cheating, active alcoholic.

HeatherSpartan

And this is hard too, because, I didnt want to settle and I did leave... I left for 3 years and now I want to go back.

I've done nothing but better myself for the last 3 years, including obtaining a masters degree in social work. And still, I struggle... i struggle with taking back the very man I desperately wanted to divorce three years ago.

pmaslan

Why do you want to go back...have you thought about that?

Minx1969

IMHO part of the reason you are struggling is that you have contact.

So..you think you can rescue him now that you have a Master's?

You didn't answer my questions about Alanon and having a sponsor and working the steps..

Have you tried a therapist?

pmaslan

A masters degree has nothing to do with "handling" an alcoholic.
I think ego is getting in the way of reality here.

HeatherSpartan

No, i dont think i can rescue him now that I have a masters- although it would appear that way. I know I cant fix him. He has to want to change himself.

I havent been to alanon in a while- like a year. and no, i dont have a sponsor. No, I havent tried a therapist either.

Weve had really good conversations in the last 3 years. And event though he hasnt quit drinking, ive been impressed. I really just think that we are meant to be- which is the reason i want him back.

Minx1969

What is it you love about him? Is it reality or fantasy?

reality is that he cheated on you and has no integrity or honesty if he's drinking.

He is in love with alcohol first and foremost...ALWAYS.

Minx1969

If an alcoholic is moving his lips - he's lying...

In my experience with multiple alcholics - they say what they want you want to hear...

WHAT ARE HIS ACTIONS??

Look at reality - put the mute button on and look at reality (his actions).

Also - for you - if you haven't worked a program or gone to a therapist - how have you changed?

Book learning can help but usually our denial prevents us from seeing the truth about ourselves...

sunshine003

I've had lots of "good conversations" with my CHEATING, alcoholic husband. It was all a lie/facade. I've believed him before, that's my disease.

pmaslan

Heather I would suggest therapy and Alanon....

sunshine003

the good conversations was his disease talking BTW.

pmaslan

You sound like you know what you want from your quote above.
I am confused, what is it you are looking for from this forum then?