escape artist

i would only wonder if he is still active and you haven't "seen" him, he could be in a pretty desperate state right now to get someone to "take care of him" as his disease progresses. this may be a pivotal point for him and he may be very "charming". "charming" you back into a codie role to continue as he is. Let Go and Let God. If it is meant to be it will, but you deserve to have the best in life. Don't settle for less than that...let him go and see what he does without you as his life support. btw, you can tell him what you want for you.

Pick-a-name

I understand your feelings.

Eventually, after he has been sober a couple years, maybe you COULD get back together,but....he is still drinking now,right? Deal with that situation if/when he gets sober and into recovery.

Good luck. It is very difficult, I know. I have played these same conversations/debates in my own head.

Vanc Girl

If you can't imagine not having contact, then keep contact, by PHONE only. And I wouldn't take his calls if he's been drinking, that's just setting a healthy boundary for you. But do not get back with him (in physical proximity) unless he is getting help and only after he's been sober a while. Just saying he's ready to get help is not a good moment to buy a plane ticket. It will only get worse than it was when you couldn't live with it anymore and this disease IS progressive. I have lived the nightmare of hurting the man I love as the alcoholic in my home who is now in recovery, but not without a few relapses and they were uglier each time. The nightmare is seeing how much my drinking has affected my husband, and he is still here for me, even though I know another relapse could mean he would have to leave for his own sanity and many hearts would be broken. We do not have biological kids together, but I have 2 sons from a previous marriage who adore him.

And even though you now have learned some coping skills, why sign on for misery? Life is hard enough IMHO. I can't believe I'm telling you this when I'm an alcoholic myself, but I just know how much it hurts me to hurt the people I love, and I don't mean to do it, it's just I have a disease and I am trying my best to stick to recovery. Just watch out for you in this. I wonder if he knows how lucky he is to have you?

Good luck

ayla zaire

Do you remember how it felt to catch him cheating? Waiting for him to come home at 3 AM? Hoping he was not dead or in jail? You can love him, I know you can not help that. You know that you can't help him. Do you really want to go back to the pain? that's what loving an alcoholic is...pain.

maggie1958

Give yourself a real chance at life, a chance to find someone you don't have to just 'deal' with. Find a life partner, it's not easy, I've been single for almost 16 years...and maybe just now finding that but I haven't given up and just settled...almost lots of times. My exABF is the one who really made me realize "this is not what I want in life" and it was hard breaking contact with him. I don't know what he is doing now or how he is, but I have to be this way, he could be charming and sweet when he wanted me and then when he wanted to drink he could dispose of me very easy and have things his way then too. Learn to love yourself...and think about if you really want children do you want to raise them in that kind of turmoil....you won't be able to protect them from all of it. That is what made me decide to get my divorce, my girls were getting to dating age and I didn't want them to think that is what marriage really was, drinking, smoking pot, screwing around. I wanted better for them and finally I decided I wanted better for me.

doubletime

Hello, HeatherSpartan:

First let me start by saying been there done that. I was the same age as you are when I divorced my soon to be EXAH the first time. I believed his lines and took him back and remarried him well here I am again waiting for the court date, which day of freedom is 9/6 .

I will never look back ever again, the drinking, the bars, the other woman, I have to much respect for myself to ever do this again. The best thing I have been doing for myself is working on me and putting myself and my son first. Sure he sobered up for a few good years but he went right back, the love for the bottle and the selfishness of the A come first.

Remember the good times but never forget the nights of their drunken stupors, the verbal abuse, the passing out and etc.

Best wishes

Doubletime

Grasshopper

Hi HS,it great to get feedback and discussions on issues.But the bottom line is that you need to do what you feel is best for you.If your going to go back to him on conditions ,example,if he is sober and in AA etc,,etc,you may have a let down,if those conditions,expectations are not met.
As your working on your own recovery,you will intuvitually know what to do,if anything.Ask God in prayer for His will.
My prayers are with you and your man,
God Bless,

HeatherSpartan

Thanks everyone for your words. Doubletime, your words really hit me. I totally believe my A's lines too, and i know i shouldnt. Getting a divorce the first time was very hard, i couldnt imagine getting a second one. BTW- good luck to you!

That is always my biggest fear upon getting back with him is that he'll sober up for a few years and then jump right back off the wagon.

What Im really worried about? Im worried that he'll sober up in the next year or so and then show up on my porch charming again. And yes, he is definitely charming. Is that all A's?

Ive been thinking about this all night long now. I think im definitely a co-dep. Quite honestly, I think be being a social worker helps me to be more co-dep... haha. I need to stop that s***.

Yall are awesome. God Bless

mazey

Hi Heather, I dated, married, divorced, back together, bought a house, lived together, just separated again. I, too, thought we were bonded by some mysterious love/meant to be. I did alaonon and it did give me tools, and sometimes I was strong and could do it(live with the alcoholic) mostly ignoring my needs and simple everyday desires to make it work, cuz I loved him and wanted it to work. BUT, unfortunately it just "ate" me up. What they say here is so true. It really never changes for the better, unless perhaps they sincerely want to change, and SINCERELY do. Mine does not see anything "wrong" with who he is or how he thinks/loves. He always knew how to get to my heart. They know us so well, and could always say the right things to make me think OUR lives together would be better. I wanted it so much, and I wanted to be optimistic that it would be better. NOT! Have you been happy the past 3 years? Is the only thing missing in your life a man? Him and his baggage back in your life will improve what you have had the past 3 years, doubt it. Sorry, if we are discouraging seeming, just prolly very truthful. Not what you want to hear, cuz you want some support with your hope it will be okay. I could just kick myself now for believing it could be okay. Look at how I say "okay" not "good". And "okay" is only if he has changed himself. Sorry.....I can not give you any hope as it appears to be he is still basically who he was 3 years ago, you may be different.....for the better!

jojo

Heather -

I don't think this is really about him. It is about you and how little you feel that you deserve in life. You left him because living with him was causing you pain. You know that if you were thinking rationally that going back to him wouldn't even be an option.

He didn't necessarily cheat on you because he is an alcoholic. Not all A's cheat. He has shown a total disregard for you and your feelings. So even if he quits drinking it doesn't mean that he will become a faithful person.

I would find a good therapist just as soon as you can to help you find out why you would even consider returning to him. Find out why you are willing to settle for so little.

Take care of yourself,

Jo

wraybear

You can love him all you want. That doesn't mean you have to live with him.
If he isn't working the AA program it is very likely it will be even worse than it was before since it is a progressive disease.

I would say go back, way back to 3 years ago. Make a list of all the behaviors that led to the divorce. Maybe time has helped you forget.

I loved my husband, but had to get out after 15 years, it got so bad. And he is a wonderful man, but alcoholism took over our lives.

Take care.

Missy

NO, NO, NO, NO....
Love from where you are and let it rest. If he could prove he wasnt drinking anymore and has been sober for at least a year... then maybe I would see him again.
Think back my dear, think back.... If you want an AH you can have mine... HA