Minx1969

I don't want to sound unsupportive...

Trust me - most of us on this board have been through multiple relationships with alcoholics..

The only thing that has worked - was for me to focus on me and fixing myself...

until I did that (through multiple therapists, life coach and most recently alanon and a good program of recovery) did I see where I was going wrong..

Heather - I see alot of myself in you...

that's why I suggest you work on you and let him be...

If he is ready to get sober and work a program..then maybe some day you two can be together...

Meanwhile - get busy healing yourself girl!

HeatherSpartan

Good call... I think i will go to alanon tonite. And I will def consider getting a therapist.

I know that the idea of me getting back with my ex is like jumping back into a fire. But i still feel like giving it another shot.

Heres a question. if he was sober and in AA for a year or two, then do you think it would be smart- or is this always a bad decision?

Minx1969

I think if he was sober with a few years of recovery under his belt - well at least then you have a 50/50 shot..(right, that's what the going divorce rate is in this country)

Otherwise - the odds aren't as good...

Jazzman

Can I ask how old you are Heather?

Cynay

Honestly think about it.

He can be any body he wants, say anything he wants on a phone conversation.... I agree put the mute button on and check out his actions... he has not stopped drinking, drinking is a progressive disease. He is not doing anything but talking his way back into your heart.

Hence the no contact, Alcoholics are VERY good and conviencing us of what ever they want too... we are VERY good a believing and wanting to believe them.....

My last boyfriend did not cheat and does not drink, he is a GREAT guy and I miss him with all my heart. Oviously there were issues or we would still be together... nothing has changed hence NO contact. I want to give myself the best shot at something better.... and if I stay hung up on him nothing in my life will change.

Have you dated at all? Why did you stop Al-anon? Was it working for you.

Also .... Do you have children or want them?

HeatherSpartan

Im almost 27 years old. Yes, I've dated quite a bit acually in the last 2 years... not the first after the divorce. I stopped alanon because i didnt makek time for it. Yeah, i think it did work for me. I've read a lot of books and study substance abuse.

No, I dont have kids, but I do want them someday.

Jazzman

What do you expect he can offer you in a state of active addiction? Love?

HeatherSpartan

Do you think alcoholics cant? How do you know for sure?

HeatherSpartan

Im sorry that was dumb.. I know that to an alcoholic, Alcohol comes first... I understand this.

Minx1969

Add "Codependent No More" and then "Beyond Codependency" by Mealody Beattie to our reading list...

As a good Social Worker - I"'d be intimately familar with these books so you can refer them to your clients..

Look - all this stuff you are going through is going to make you a better social worker - if you can get help as well and offer your experience strength and hope.

Cynay

Can you remember back to the behavior that your Aex husband displayed that wanted you to divorce him in the first place????

If so try putting an innocent baby into the mix and basically becoming a single mom cuz in time he will not have the ability to help you with this.

Jazzman

That's OK, no offense taken. Not Like most of us have not had the same thoughts. I do know for sure that my ex can not offer me any love, compassion, support, friendship, warmth, comfort, a bright future.... you know... all the good stuff that comes with a relationship. In her current state of active addiction? Nope, not gonna happen.

sunshine003

I know a lot more now about alcoholism than I did a year ago. I know how to detach with love, how to not enable, etc....you name it, I know it? Guess what? that doesn't mean his binges or all nighters or lies don't hurt me! He has a good job, makes great money and seemingly "has it together". That doesn't mean he hasn't hurt me or our children....it doesn't mean he's present for us. You're misleading yourself thinking, "you know better now, you're more equipped to handle it." having the tools to deal with an alcoholic doesn't involve or mean it's easier to handle unacceptable behavior. It still hurts, it still breaks your heart.

Be careful, you're in some denial here.

HeatherSpartan

I was really hoping all of you would say, "yeah, go get him girl!" hahaha.

I guess what I was looking for was some encouragment to be a good friend to him and maybe eventually (like after hes been sober for a couple years) then maybe i could start talking about getting back together.

It appears though, that the advice is to leave him be and take care of myself instead... which is def good advice.

LaTeeDa

If it were me I think I would be asking myself why I think so little of myself to settle for such a relationship. But that is what I would ask myself now. A year ago, I probably wouldn't have. I have my therapist to thank for that.

L

HeatherSpartan

You're right sunshine... I know the hurt would still be there. :-(


I think ive been away from it for so long (3 years) that perhaps i dont entirely remember how it was, but the love feelings i carry for him are still so strong its just very hard to ignore that.

sunshine003

If you ever wanna beat your head against that brick wall again, give it a shot but my head likes soft places now....it's been beating that wall for too many years now.

Minx1969

Heather -

I have learned to love my ex from a distance...

Just because you aren't with someone, doesn't mean you stop loving him...

Just doesn't mean it's right for me...

It's ok to love an alcoholic...

just love yourself more...

denny57

Has he indicated in your conversations he intends to get sober? When? Or with your new Masters do you think you can convince him? If so, couldn't you do that over the phone?

If you are intent on going back to him, make sure you are comfortable with more cheating on his part, because if he is anything like my AH (who I am divorcing after 18 years) there will plenty of that, and more often as the disease progresses.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

pmaslan

Denny beat me to the punch that was my next question or thought.
Does your ex even care to get sober? It sounds like he is fine with his
situation. If he has no desire to get sober and find a way to stay that way,
I see no point in persuing any type of relationship with him Heather....IMO