Is A a disease like other diseases?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Van Alstyne, TX
Posts: 2
Is A a disease like other diseases?
While considering to leave my AW yet again I am pondering a nagging question. How is alcoholism unlike other diseases? If my wife was diagnosed with lung cancer, the general concensus would be no, you cannot leave her.
While new to the forum I've got experience with her recovery, my alanon, her steps, bigbook, meetings, family week with rehab, etc. I know from alanon I have permission to do whatever for my survival. As she has pointed out in the past "I have a disease, would you leave me if I had kidney failure?"
My reply is something like: my boundaries are not real to you, why not call your sponsor instead of purchasing wine, what if I had relationships 2-4 times a year and called them 'addictions'?
Although it is very traumatic and the 'worlds biggest decision' to leave someone after 20+ years if I could snap my fingers and be done with it, I would in a heartbeat.
Thanx
While new to the forum I've got experience with her recovery, my alanon, her steps, bigbook, meetings, family week with rehab, etc. I know from alanon I have permission to do whatever for my survival. As she has pointed out in the past "I have a disease, would you leave me if I had kidney failure?"
My reply is something like: my boundaries are not real to you, why not call your sponsor instead of purchasing wine, what if I had relationships 2-4 times a year and called them 'addictions'?
Although it is very traumatic and the 'worlds biggest decision' to leave someone after 20+ years if I could snap my fingers and be done with it, I would in a heartbeat.
Thanx
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Tell me if your wife had cancer and it was progressive and you both knew down the road it was going to be hell for the both of you/ wipe out your finances and tear your family apart ....... and she refused treatment..... even though the chances of remission were great if she would only accept the treatment....
Would you stay then?
its such a personal choice.... many stay as long as they can, but it seems that if there is no recovery or even trying.... the progression is more then most people can live with. Not to mention that the person they end up living with is a complete stranger.
Would you stay then?
its such a personal choice.... many stay as long as they can, but it seems that if there is no recovery or even trying.... the progression is more then most people can live with. Not to mention that the person they end up living with is a complete stranger.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I understand where you are coming from, I think. People ask me if I would leave my AH if he had diabetes instead. I say no, but diabetes does not alter one's mind, personality and manipulate and frustrate the spouse or significant other. Diabetes (I don't think) can break up a whole family, financially ruin a family, get someone a DWI and criminal charges, etc. I really dont' understand this disease. At least a diabetic can somewhat control it with diet and insulin. This is a disease that only the person that has it can control, and even then, they can't control it. From what I understand, it is a daily struggle and it is up to the individual. That's why at times I think when and if my AH gets sober and goes into recovery, I wonder whether I will stay because I will be worried day after day not knowing what I'll be walking into. By the way, my AH was sober for 14 years. I thought it was all good (I guess too good).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
The dictionary definition of disease is rather clinical - I like it that way and yes I think alcohol addiction fits within the definition.
But, nowhere in the definition does disease absolve human beings of responsibility, nowhere does it say that disease means a person is incapable, nowhere does it say disease means there is no blame or any kind of absolution, no where does it say it brings a duty to be cared for despite destructive behaviour, nowhere does it say it renders a patient powerless.
But, nowhere in the definition does disease absolve human beings of responsibility, nowhere does it say that disease means a person is incapable, nowhere does it say disease means there is no blame or any kind of absolution, no where does it say it brings a duty to be cared for despite destructive behaviour, nowhere does it say it renders a patient powerless.
dis·ease (dĭ-zēz')
n.
1. A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.
2. A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
n.
1. A pathological condition of a part, organ, or system of an organism resulting from various causes, such as infection, genetic defect, or environmental stress, and characterized by an identifiable group of signs or symptoms.
2. A condition or tendency, as of society, regarded as abnormal and harmful.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
[QUOTE=bottom88]While considering to leave my AW yet again I am pondering a nagging question. How is alcoholism unlike other diseases? If my wife was diagnosed with lung cancer, the general concensus would be no, you cannot leave her.
While new to the forum I've got experience with her recovery, my alanon, her steps, bigbook, meetings, family week with rehab, etc. I know from alanon I have permission to do whatever for my survival. As she has pointed out in the past "I have a disease, would you leave me if I had kidney failure?"
To me this question is like us asking an alcoholic "If you loved me, you would stop drinking"
Asking someone to do something that is beyond their ability - Just like an alcoholic can't just stop drinking because their spouse wants them to - we can't stay with a loved one and watch their alcoholism progress until it destroys the person we love. It's beyond our ability to be able to do something that painful.
Just my opinion, I love my AH very much and he happens to be in a program of recovery at the moment, but if he decides to walk away from recovery, I would have to walk away from him - watching the disease destroy him would destroy me - I now love and respect myself too much to let myself go through that again.
Just my E, S, & H,
Rita
While new to the forum I've got experience with her recovery, my alanon, her steps, bigbook, meetings, family week with rehab, etc. I know from alanon I have permission to do whatever for my survival. As she has pointed out in the past "I have a disease, would you leave me if I had kidney failure?"
To me this question is like us asking an alcoholic "If you loved me, you would stop drinking"
Asking someone to do something that is beyond their ability - Just like an alcoholic can't just stop drinking because their spouse wants them to - we can't stay with a loved one and watch their alcoholism progress until it destroys the person we love. It's beyond our ability to be able to do something that painful.
Just my opinion, I love my AH very much and he happens to be in a program of recovery at the moment, but if he decides to walk away from recovery, I would have to walk away from him - watching the disease destroy him would destroy me - I now love and respect myself too much to let myself go through that again.
Just my E, S, & H,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi. im Sharon and im an alcoholic.
Thanks for sharing and welcome to SR.
There's lots of good sobriety in here and more people will be along soon to share their own ESH with you.
For me.....By the grace of my HP and people in these rooms, I havent had a drink of alcohol since 8-11-90 and for that Im truely grateful.
At the age of 30 when i hit my bottom with alcohol my family stepped in and did for me what I couldnt do for myself. An intervention took place where i was taken to rehab for 28 days. It was then and there that i ADMITTED I WAS POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.
That was the first step of 12 that i would begin to take as i began my sober journey in recovery.
At that time I was married for about 7 yrs. and had 2 little ones 4 and 6.
That was then....today ive been married for 24 yrs with my 2 college kids 22 and 19. Both are doing absolutely wonderful concidering they grew up with a mom in recovery.
My marriage has always been on the rocks...we have definitely gone thru our shares of ups and downs with 2 attempts to separate. Today we r still together by the Hand of the Man upstairs. That's is the only thing i can think of for now that has kept us together.
My spouse is a non-alcoholic. I have always thought he was the calm in my storm of life. I know i have not made life easy for him, yet here we r still together. Sure he could have left me long time ago i suppose, but for some reason neither one of us has it in us to separate. Even as i continue on my recovery journey.
For us..we r like on different planes sometimes....we have a hard time communicating. We married when i was into my disease, then i changed on him when i got sober....So my spouse is thoroughly confused.
He still remembers the women he met when we first started dating....when i was drinking, etc....then i get sober and my actions, thoughts, everything has changed...i dont feel like the same person i was back then.....and im grateful not to be on that merry-go-round drinking behavior like i was on.
When i got sober i learned that when one person in the family is sick then the rest of the family is affected. In order for the sick family to stay together then it takes everyone to recieve help...weather it be AA, NA, Al-anon...ACOA, and others.
Im pretty sure the reason why my marriage is still suffering is because its one sided....im the only one here in some kind of a program. The rest seem to think they r ok. But then its not place to take their inventory.
Anyway....that's my story.
thanks for letting me share.
Thanks for sharing and welcome to SR.
There's lots of good sobriety in here and more people will be along soon to share their own ESH with you.
For me.....By the grace of my HP and people in these rooms, I havent had a drink of alcohol since 8-11-90 and for that Im truely grateful.
At the age of 30 when i hit my bottom with alcohol my family stepped in and did for me what I couldnt do for myself. An intervention took place where i was taken to rehab for 28 days. It was then and there that i ADMITTED I WAS POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND MY LIFE HAD BECOME UNMANAGEABLE.
That was the first step of 12 that i would begin to take as i began my sober journey in recovery.
At that time I was married for about 7 yrs. and had 2 little ones 4 and 6.
That was then....today ive been married for 24 yrs with my 2 college kids 22 and 19. Both are doing absolutely wonderful concidering they grew up with a mom in recovery.
My marriage has always been on the rocks...we have definitely gone thru our shares of ups and downs with 2 attempts to separate. Today we r still together by the Hand of the Man upstairs. That's is the only thing i can think of for now that has kept us together.
My spouse is a non-alcoholic. I have always thought he was the calm in my storm of life. I know i have not made life easy for him, yet here we r still together. Sure he could have left me long time ago i suppose, but for some reason neither one of us has it in us to separate. Even as i continue on my recovery journey.
For us..we r like on different planes sometimes....we have a hard time communicating. We married when i was into my disease, then i changed on him when i got sober....So my spouse is thoroughly confused.
He still remembers the women he met when we first started dating....when i was drinking, etc....then i get sober and my actions, thoughts, everything has changed...i dont feel like the same person i was back then.....and im grateful not to be on that merry-go-round drinking behavior like i was on.
When i got sober i learned that when one person in the family is sick then the rest of the family is affected. In order for the sick family to stay together then it takes everyone to recieve help...weather it be AA, NA, Al-anon...ACOA, and others.
Im pretty sure the reason why my marriage is still suffering is because its one sided....im the only one here in some kind of a program. The rest seem to think they r ok. But then its not place to take their inventory.
Anyway....that's my story.
thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
You can't chose cancer and you can't chose kidney failure, but you can chose to stop drinking. There isn't detox centers or 28 day programs for cancer.
I have heard the same disease thing over and over. Yes it is an addiction and it is very difficult to recover from BUT it can be done.
I was married for 23 years, and what I told my ex to do was "go ask a cancer patient if he had a choice and could do something about it would he". That pretty much ended the disease converstion.
My mother would have given anything to go to an AA meeting or any other support group to treat her cancer. Chemo and death were her choices.
I have heard the same disease thing over and over. Yes it is an addiction and it is very difficult to recover from BUT it can be done.
I was married for 23 years, and what I told my ex to do was "go ask a cancer patient if he had a choice and could do something about it would he". That pretty much ended the disease converstion.
My mother would have given anything to go to an AA meeting or any other support group to treat her cancer. Chemo and death were her choices.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by bottom88
"I have a disease, would you leave me if I had kidney failure?"
My reply is something like: my boundaries are not real to you, why not call your sponsor instead of purchasing wine, what if I had relationships 2-4 times a year and called them 'addictions'?
My reply is something like: my boundaries are not real to you, why not call your sponsor instead of purchasing wine, what if I had relationships 2-4 times a year and called them 'addictions'?
I'm not sure - it sounds like you might be feeling guilty about that - but in my opinion unconditional love does not mean unconditional approval - especially of behaviors that would be destructive to a marriage, no matter what the disease.
Take care of yourself.
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