JessicaNAJ

G got arrested last night. He tried to call me collect while at work...but b/c of where I work, obviously I couldn't accept. I looked up on the Clerks website...Disorderly Conduct and Possession of Illegal Drug Paraphanalia. From what I've heard...he was very very very offensive AND in public. His bond is $253. I don't have it and I wouldn't bail him out anyway.

Anyway, I just got home from a work dinner thing. I'm totally ok. I was a little razzled at first, but I turned it over and I'm totally ok. But I'm tired b/c it's been long work day.

I just wanted to fill y'all in on what was going on

FormerDoormat

Way to go, Jess! G got himself into this mess, so he'll have to get himself out of it. Glad to see he won't get help from you. Let's hope this is a wake-up call for him.

StandingStrong

It's a parralell comparison. But as I was reading your post, I was thinking how similar it is in the time frame of my AH getting his DUI.

At the time, Ah and I hadn't been talking. I had distanced myself and detached - or maybe I was just numb. Maybe a combination of many emotions. But the point is that when Ah got his DUI, I really wasn't freaking out. And I realized in that moment how if he'd gotten that DUI a few years earlier, I would have made it my problem.
Throughout the court hearings, his mandated rehab weekend, etc - I've done nothing to enable or control the situation. It's not my problem. Just as G's issues are not your problem.
I just find it odd - how they (my AH and G) both seemed to have "Gotten caught" so-to-speak once you and I seemed to have removed ourselves from their lives. Reminds me of how we are always told about "getting out of their way".

I don't know G - but I do know that even though AH and I had been seperated for 2 years when AH got his DUI - AH said something like "I'm not blaming you, but if we were together and I had a normal life, I wouldn't have gotten that DUI". Notice that he did still blame me? Because you know - he says that I'm the one that took his normal life away from him.
Just wanted to prepare you in case G tries to blame you for his issues.

Be strong Jessica.
You know that what he did was his choice - and it's his problem - and now he has to face his consequences.
You take care of you and the kids.

(((Jessica)))

blizzard77

Glad to hear you're ok. When my AH got arrested for missing his childsupport hearing he called me on the way to the jail to ask me to meet him there. I did. Spoke with the magistrate who said " It will be $1260 to get him out". Apparently that's what he owed in arrears. They don't offer a bond in these cases, it's simply " cash and carry". I could've come up with it but made a decision not to. I drove away feeling a sense of justice. He was experiencing the consequences of his actions and I wasn't going to take this opportunity for growth and change away from him. He didn't call for the first 4days and I was thinking boy is he pissed at me!! Then on day 5 a girl at work said "you know you can call there, they can recieve phone calls." So I did. Turns out he tried calling me several times but because I only have a cell phone he couldn't call collect on it and he obviously couldn't call me collect at work. I didn't worry myself about him not calling, in fact I didn't care. When we finally did talk he was greatful I called at all. He thought I'd abandoned him. Let me tell you, I never in my life saw him get a job so fast. Yeah, it was VERY traumatic for him as he was the only one in for childsupport issues. Some child molesters, a couple of people accused of murder and a whole lot of drug related crimes. He's 5'6" and 175lbs. He was scared but do I think he learned his lesson? OH, yes. I don't think he'll ever fall behind in child support again. Of course, his family couldn't believe I "left" him in jail but they were aware of where he was and how much it would cost to get him out and they didn't get him out either. Just my experience with AH & jail time. To me it was God's will and there was no way I was going to question or step in the way of it.

wraybear

glad to hear you seem to be handling this well.

When my AH was arrested, for me, it was kinda comforting in a strange sort of way knowing he was in a "safe" place.

I also think when I finally forced myself to stop "saving" him and to stay out of his "stuff" I felt more at peace MOST of the time. Plus, I think he hit bottom a little faster. Yes, there are a lot of "I"s in my reply, but I got so accustomed to trying to do for him, do what's best for him (in my eyes), take care of him, that "I" got lost in him and his stuff.

I hope and pray you are feeling some peace and are thinking about YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!!

Love, and have a good tomorrow!

denny57

Nice workin' of the program there, Jess. Hope you get a good night's sleep after a hard day at work.

ICU

First thing that came to mind was, thank goodness he wasn't at your home when this happened. Depending on the circumstances (meaning if he didn't take ownership of it), you could have been arrested too, even though the 'stuff' wasn't yours!

Second thing that came to mind was that I'm glad the kids weren't witness to this. It would have been very hard for them to process and deal with considering how very young they are.

Aren't you glad you are where you are right now Jess? For you and for your kids?

StandingStrong is right. He could still blame you and 'try' to put guilt on you. Be strong, and don't fall for it. You don't own 'that' either!!

I like what StandingStrong said here too....

I hope you give yourself credit for all of the progess you have made. I know it hasn't been easy for you...it never is in situations like this. But I think you're doing well Jess.

equus

It's good to hear from you and to hear your confidence in handling this. You're spot on girl!!

elizabeth1979

You are doing great Jess!

pmaslan

You are handling this well Jess.....
I hope you can see how you are moving forward
and he is slowly and consistantly moving further behind...

Nothing changes if nothing changes.....

elizabeth1979

Well put...

JessicaNAJ

You guys have stuck with my through soooooo much .. I want to thank you all and give each of you a huge hug.........Thank you. I know I didn't take the more popular path...but I took the path that worked for me.


He called me today....didn't want to talk to the kids but son has really been wanting to talk to him so I put him on the phone. He almost cried when his dad told him he loved him (I think my son needed to hear that....not sure if that was a smart move on my part or not, but what's done is done). Anyway, our son asked his dad to come over, G said he couldn't. Son asked why, G told him he couldn't say but that I knew and I could tell him if I wanted to....so I did. I told him his dad was in jail, he asked why...I said he got drunk, went out in public and got arrest for Disorderly Conduct. He asked what that was, I told him his dad was being rude and mean to people he didn't know and got caught. He said ok and asked that I not tell anyone (so he don't have to keep hearing about it)...I told him I wouldn't.

G brought up the bailing him out thing again...I told him I couldn't afford it, that I just bought all the school supplies, have to pay for daughters tuition, buy groceries, pay the bills and pay the sitter. I don't have the money. (I didn't mention that I wasn't going to frantically search around for someone to borrow it off of...I'll just leave that little bit of pride to myself

LaTeeDa

Good for you Jess. And I just gotta say---Sheesh! The nerve! You pay for everything to support your kids, he blows his money on alcohol and drugs, and then wants you to come up with the $ to bail him out of jail???????? *shakes head in disbelief*

L

Pick-a-name

Jessica..........what everyone else said! Beautiful example of recovery in action; you inspire me! Thanks you for sharing this.

((Jessica))

brightlight

And your son got to hear from his dad. My friend has a grown son and when he goes to jail he is soooooo nice. He gains weight, lifts weights, calls on the phone, writes letters and says he loves his mama. He got out and after a couple of weeks the drugs and drinking started and he acted like a total idiot. Lost all the muscle he gained. Called everybody names and finally got in trouble and went back to jail. Gained weight, was nice as pie, got out and same mess started. Lost weight, drank, took drugs and nobody could stand him. Went back to jail gained weight and nice as pie. His own mother told me he belongs in jail. She feels he is safe there.

cwohio

*applause* jess!!

JessicaNAJ

He never came right out and said.....are you going to bail me out. That was always something I just never hesitated to do. I'm not defending him lol Just clearing up that aspect of it. Guess maybe he was hoping I'd come up with something though .. who knows. But yes....it would have been nice if he would have said, I understand, or something to that affect... he's in total denial. Thinks the whole thing was blown totally out of proportion, said someone else in there said he could get out of it...denial denial denial. He's not even ashame of how he behaved... so either he was so drunk or high that he doesn't really realize it, or he's just in denial. He can sit in there for all I'm concerned.

JessicaNAJ

I'm signing my daughter up for ballet today....and it was her first day of preschool. Right now her and her brother are driving each other crazy lol

jojo

Jess -

It is so much easier to deal with things like this when you aren't involved with them on a regular basis or at all. I'm proud of you for continuing to move forward. If he calls again and asks for the money, instead of offering reasons why you won't or can't come up with the money, how about simply saying, "No, I'm not bailing you out." He got himself into this mess, let him get himself out. Maybe jail is the very best place for him right now.

You've got your feet travelling in the right direction, Jess. Keep it up!

Hugs, Jo

wraybear

JO, thank you for that reminder! Yes, I remember in my own similar situation it made things so much better for me when I remembered to keep my discussions short and to the point and keep my mouth shut. I was always one to get involved in full explanations and long drawn out conversations and they always made me feel worse. I would have even thrown out a "not this time" or "not again" and then he would have gotten defensive and blah blah blah. Yes yes yes, simply saying "No, I am not bailing you out" would have been the best way for me too! and to remember to not add any shame throwing comments either - I was the queen of that too! thanks for the reminder.

Jess - you are doing so great! I wish we could do a group hug!