ColdFeet

Hi - Here's the short story: married for 8 years, now have 1 yo daughter. Knew that husband smoked pot in college, etc. before we met. Never used around me...I've never used drugs (aside from occasional glass of wine). Found him smoking in garage (hiding) a few months after we married. Got mad and told him it was unacceptable. This pattern continued - would "catch" him every couple months...he would promise to stop...and so on. He finally admitted that he was using pot to alieve chronic pain from car accident that occurred when we were engaged. I (obviously) knew about his injuries and the resulting pain that he had to deal with. He was basically unemployed the first four years of our marriage...worked road construction which didn't help with pain issue! He was moody and depressed...and would yell at me for no reason. Once he got a "real" job - working full-time in an office environment, he stopped using pot, went back to the doctor, got Vicodin and sleeping pills to help with the pain. When I found him smoking pot again, he told me that he had run out of pills and that smoking pot was a "crutch" that he needed to make it through the week. I responded a little differently this time, tried to be understanding, make him understand the trust issues in our relationship, encouraged him to go back to the doctor and find ways to deal with chronic pain other than narcotics of any kind! He went back to doctor, got more prescription pain pills, and has been using them for a couple of years. He is stuck in a cycle that I can't get him out of...and of course, I feel like it's my "job" to help him. Last night I asked if he's smoked pot in the last year; I found a bag of weed in our car about 3 weeks after our baby was born. He said that he smoked twice, both at parties to "bond" with his friends. Once again, he can't understand that I'm upset with this. He said that he's been "literally patting himself on the back" for being nice to me, not smoking, and dealing with the chronic pain. I know that I was naiive about it when we first got married, then progressed to just sticking my head in the sand because it was easier than a confrontation. Now confronting him just leads to him moaning about how much pain he's in, how everything's great when our relationship is working, how he can't stand disappointing me...and oh, bring a vicodin when you come to bed! What am I supposed to do??? I can't trust him...but I have to take some responsibility for my stupidity, right?

denny57

Hi ColdFeet and welcome to SR

I don't think it's stupidity, but denial - I lived there for quite awhile myself.

I'm not sure what you are asking - do you want him to stop smoking pot completely? Does he abuse the pain pills? Sorry more questions than answers, but just want to be sure what you'd like to see happen.

Keep posting - glad you are here.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad your with us.

Denial is a really strong pull for alot of us, dont beat yourself up for it your here now.

Well I guess I could start with the 3 C's

You did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. Unfortunally you cant love them through it either... to stop using is something he has to do for himself only.

The good news is you can create boundries and make decisions for yourself and make your life better. Stick around and read the stickies at the top.

I look forward to getting to know you and keep posting.

ColdFeet

In a perfect world, I would like him to never smoke pot and never need to use pain pills...I think that this is the problem I struggle with. When is it something that I can't overlook? He doesn't abuse drugs...but he is dependent on them (legal or otherwise) to "survive." He was verbally and emotionally abusive in the past. Once he realized that we wouldn't be together if it continued, he stopped. He told me last night that just because we had different perspectives on recreational drug use didn't mean that he would stop. And if I told him that he had to stop - what's to keep him from lying? I'm just sort of in limbo right now...

Cynay

I might suggest Al-anon or therphy for you hon.

You are only in limbo if you choose to be. You are basing your decisions on what you can "get him" to do, not on what you want and what is right for you.

Acceptance is the key word here.... You can NOT change him or his mind. SO you have to either accept him for who he is today, or you have to change the only thing you can change ..... You.

make sense?

ColdFeet

Yes - thanks for your thoughts. It helped to give me some perspective - I was trying to figure out if my husband has a problem, but I don't think that's for me to decide.

Cynay

I guess the real question is .... Do YOU have a problem with your husbands behavior and is that what you want in your life.

He keeps telling you HE does not have the problem.

ColdFeet

I think that, honestly, I must be codependent, or dependent because I want him to share my feelings and am put out that he won't change behavior that bothers me - not him. The only time that it's a problem for me is when he is noticably under the influence of something. That just pisses me off - and I think my extreme reaction to that is based on the fact that he lied to me about it for so long. Yeah, I think it's more about the emotional baggage and (perhaps) lack of forgiveness on my part that makes me project all of it on him. Does that make sense?

Cynay

If that is how your feeling, I would suggest Therphy, Alanon.... Education

You might also think about the fact that Pot is not Legal.... some danger he is putting you in having it anywhere (even garage) in your home.