New here, he's leaving.....

Old 08-20-2006, 08:01 PM
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Always hopeful...
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New here, he's leaving.....

Well,I am new here, long story short? Been with alcoholic for 13 years, dated,married,divorced,back together....Good days, bad days, alanon, abuse, on ',n on. Most recent living together for 4 years, Nearly killed himself in an accident 3 years ago, on Ventilator for 6 weeks, Many injuries, at home care for months. Then, after a year of recovery back to drinking, drinking and driving, moods....etc. Anyway, a few weeks ago had blow up. Told him it's done this time.Every so often when that voice inside gets louder in my ear/soul, I attempt to end it, and stay. I can't live like this. He has consented to move out, looking for a place....I am positive this is the right thing, but it makes me sad. He has improved in recent years, but not enuf for my life to be satisfying. Worried over driving drunk again, no compassion/intimacy in years, he sits in his chair and "broods"/grumpy, verbally abusive and has been physically abusive. Gosh, it is so a roller coaster. Mourning the loss of what could have been. Sad for him, sad for me. Isn't it just awful. I feel optimistic for a "peaceful" life, but will miss the "good man", but not the bad man. Why does it seem they are 2 different people? He had been on some zoloft after the accident for depression and chronic pain, I think it took the edge off his moodiness some. He quit taking it a couple months ago and I could just see this "other" person coming back.... Anyone with same experience? Would love a reply.
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Old 08-20-2006, 08:14 PM
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Well, you have heard a little of my story. My AH is still actively drinking, and letting him go has been the hardest thing I have ever done I love this man with all my heart, I decided that I love my kids and myself more, I refuse to let him hurt us. I know the ache of that love ypu have for him as everyday goes by I know I have done the right thing, My husband is a beautiful person, he is just a lost soul. He has been through hell and back in his short life, he was always a wounderful father. Now I'm not so sure.I just don't think he really knows how screwed up he is/ He knows no other way but to be a addict. At least untill he gets help. I know exactly what you mean when you say "what could of been"
Look at it this way......... Thsnk of all the beauty to come. Good luck, you'll like it here( I hope)
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Old 08-20-2006, 08:22 PM
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I always speak up when abuse is mentioned. Abuse and substance abuse are two separate issues. I confused this for years and it really, really confused and hurt me. Please check out the abuse stickies at the top of the
Women in Recovery forum and other forums.

The book Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde was written about alcoholism!

This is a mind f789 and education and DV counseling helped me the most!

Keep coming back, you will find support, information, encouragement and understanding!
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Old 08-20-2006, 09:53 PM
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Originally Posted by liveweyerd

The book Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde was written about alcoholism!

I recently read that book (when I heard it was written by an alcoholic about his progession)....I recommend it to you all!
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Old 08-20-2006, 11:05 PM
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Anybody know the author?! TIA xx
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Old 08-21-2006, 06:56 AM
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Mazey,

Welcome. You will find understanding and a listening ear here. Your story has similarities to my own. I totally understand the 2 different people because that is my AH. We are now in the process of a dissolution and he has been on his best behavior (for a short while), but it just makes me sad that he can be this person at times. I know however, that without help he will revert back to his old ways.

Keep posting
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Old 08-21-2006, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
Anybody know the author?! TIA xx

Robert Louis Stevenson
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Old 08-21-2006, 10:50 AM
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Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us..

Holy Cow that is some ride you have been on. I personally know how hard it is to end the relationship... well I did not end them, he did but its hard to let the relationship go.

This disease is progressive ... it just gets worse and worse. When you said abuse??? That is a different issue from his drinking, Please keep yourself safe hon. Is there somewhere you can stay till he finds a place? I might suggest that there is a timeframe that he has to be out... they can make it dragg on forever sometimes.

Keep posting, I look forward to getting to know you!
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Old 08-21-2006, 11:42 AM
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Im with Live on this one also.

If you have a drunk absuer and take away the substance abuse. You are still left with an abuser.

Glad you are here

Mourning the loss of what could have been.
I mourned what could have been before I left. I was mourning the loss of what I could be if I was not with him.
To sacrifice one's self is the greatest loss.
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Old 08-21-2006, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by mazey37
Every so often when that voice inside gets louder in my ear/soul, I attempt to end it, and stay. I can't live like this.
I know it's hard to let go - but it also sounds like you have your answer.

Pay attention to that inner voice my friend..It's your true self speaking - urging you on to a better life...

I spent many years ignoring my intuition...

Life is so much better now that I honor it.
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Old 08-21-2006, 01:31 PM
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Aren't you tired of being treated badly?

You have the power to change your situation for the better. Changing is scary and painful, but staying might be even worse. There is a lot of help out there for women who reach out - Al-anon, services for abuse victims, therapists and counsellors, etc...

Keep coming back - you will learn a lot here.

Bottom line - nobody deserves to be abused. There is no excuse, no good reason for it, and no way you need to tolerate it one minute longer.
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Old 08-21-2006, 06:57 PM
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Oh, you are wonderful! Thanks for talking to me. It helps so much to get the encouragement from those that have also "been there". And, to feel hope and re-enforce my decision. How important is it? I have minimized the importance of my needs/desires for too long. I do begin to feel optimistic with the thought of him leaving, but also watched him move stuff out of the garage today and felt so sad, but I think sad at the good things, then reminded my self of the big picture. Thanks.....
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Old 08-21-2006, 10:01 PM
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Maze, for whats its worth, I think you are doing the right thing. For me I know it is (kicking my AH out) as much as it hurts I can't keep holding him together (man i realy want to) but for the sake of my kids i'm letting go and TRYING to let God.
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Old 08-21-2006, 10:37 PM
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I'm late in welcoming you to SR Mazey. There are lots of folks here that will tell you it's suffocating trying to keep an addicted loved one from hitting their bottom. Some folks walk away, some don't. It's a personal choice and only you can know what the right thing to do is.

Here's a post from the best of SR forum that I have found to be invaluable...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 08-22-2006, 08:21 AM
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Sometimes you have to let go and let God do his job.

Im struggling with the letting go as well, I miss my ex and the ending of that relationship is just sad... but how does the saying go??

If you love something set it free......

Trust that God has a plan, we might not understand it right now but he has one.
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Old 08-29-2006, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by elizabeth1979

I mourned what could have been before I left. I was mourning the loss of what I could be if I was not with him.
To sacrifice one's self is the greatest loss.
Thank you so very much for this elizabeth1979
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