sanjac_cat

will it ever end

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Hi, I don't even know where to begin..I am not the best at letting people know where I am at..so much easier to be standoffish or pretend everything is fine but it is not...I am married for 9 yrs and have to great children 7 and 9 I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, however have not been around the program for awhile..but once again clean and sober...probably should be in a different room but the issue I am dealing with is anger and violence in my relationship..I am ready for change I will give a brief history of what has been going on. When I met my hus I was working on myself and he was struggling with addiction and I couldnt abandon him due to seeing his potential ...lol I got pregnant and recently had found Jesus so abortion was not an option. So we married ..he has supported us but has been a constant struggle..at this time I do not work but am a full time student and I should graduate next year, so I do not financially contribute except when receive student loans. (which he holds over my head) We fight almost non stop at first I loved all the attention I got from him, however when I try to have independent relationships away from him..makes it unbearable or embarrasses me. I have put up with violence and emotional abuse since our son was born.
I am not without blame, I have become the very thing I cant stand about him to try to show him how it feels. I do not know how to stand down ...and shut up..he gets angry and says something to offend, I retaliate till it escalates then of course he is stronger than me ...I cannot seperate myself from him he takes my keys or disables the car..pins me down or blocks me from leaving
..recently I am concerned for well-fare ..since I have started going to college really took it up a notch ..I know in his heart he loves me and the kids and he trys to be supportive but it is threating to him...he has started taking medication (lamictal for bipolar) and he gets angry about seemingly odd things several times a day and it is alway my fault or I am protecting the kids from harmful words and spankings ..then it is I love you I am sorry can we have sex..sex seems to cure everything for him..I am so confused I know I have a part in this ..I dont know what to do, How to stop the cycle ..How to stop responding to the behavior ..I am not the best at communicating I have given up that there is anything like true love..he says i am emotional unavailable and I am .. anything i have ever told him about mistakes I have made ..will later come back to hurt me when we are arguing ..I am at wits end I have thought about suicide (dont worry cant bring myself to do it) I dont want to leave him I just want a more tranquil life and I dont have any solutions. But right now I just need to find out how to keep myself sane till I finish school without having him throw things (holes in almost every wall of our home) and for us both to stop screaming....Help we are both very strong personalities and he tells me i need to be submissive like it says in the Bible...
I am trying ....help I am hurt and crying inside

sunshine003

Hi and welcome! glad you found us....

wow, I don't know what to say. The weekends are usually slow and I'm sure others will be along with better advice.

If you want my two cents, here it is. It seems to me you're asking for the impossible. You want a tranquil life with someone who has major issues. Issues that need to be addressed.....first and foremost, the violence. I don't think there is anything you can do to help him, he needs help from a professional.

Second, someone who loves you doesn't do the things you describe. I'm also sure the screaming happens in front of the kids and all the other stuff. YIKES!!!

If I were you, I'd stop that right away. Don't scream back and leave if he starts. But, you said he'll physically stop you. Well, then call 911....maybe that'll show hiim you mean it. Enforce some boundaries. Neither of you have the right to do this in front of your children. Stop yourself and if he can't stop himself and you can't leave until he calms down, call 911.

meli2005

It sounds like you are in a dangerous situation. He has an explosive personality which may be part of the bipolar. Sometimes people with bipolar act like that and it sounds like he has substance abuse issues as well.

I wish I had better advice for you, but I would try to stay as distant from him as you can. Don't escalate anything, it could be dangerous for you and your kids. I hope your kids are okay living with all this. IT can't be very stable.

JessicaNAJ

Have you tried Al-Anon? It has helped me to learn how to elimate the chaos from my life and learn to not response to certain behaviors.

My 2cents have been short lately, but Welcome to SoberRecovery. We are all here for you.

laurie6781

Sorry Sanjac but what you have posted here is ABUSE plain and simple and your children are seeing it. And its only going to escalate.

I would suggest you get you and the kids to a woman's shelter. The next time there is any incident whatsoever, pick up that phone, call 911 and report it.

I would also suggest that you not only try Al-anon but you get you and your children into some therapy. Especially the kids. Houston is a big place and I know they have to have some Mental Health places that work on a 'sliding scale.'

Please keep you and your children safe, you can always take another year to finish school.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.

Love and (((((to all))))),

ICU

Pinning you down to prevent you from leaving, taking your car keys, disabling your car, punching holes in walls, throwing things, requiring you to be submissive, etc. are all indications of abuse. Abuse, like substance addiction is also progressive. It does not magically get better on it's own!

I would suggest you read the three stickies about domestic violence (DV) at the top of the list of threads here to get a better understanding of what you are dealing with and how to help yourself.

Further to that, there is a stickie with DV hotline numbers in the US. Here is a nationwide number that you should contact: Domestic Violence Hotline Numbers: 800-799-SAFE (7233). I've never called that number personally, but I'm sure they can put you in touch with a hotline number in your specific area.

You need to learn how to be safe, how to protect yourself, and what your options are. No one deserves to live in a dangerous environment like what you have described.

I know people tend to disagree with me on this, but I stand by what I'm about to say....seek DV counseling FIRST....then down the road if you want to explore Al-Anon, fine.

Learn how to stay safe. DV counseling is your best option!

Edit....where are my manners? Welcome to SR SC! So glad you found us!
BTW....when you call the DV hotline, keep in mind, you don't have to make any rash decisions, unless of course the situation warrants it. Try not to feel overwhelmed. Look at it as a learning process of what to do, and, what 'not' to do with regards to safety issues.

ICU

Exactly!!!

denny57

Al-Anon is not about "taking care of codie emotions."

ICU

Sanjac_cat,

One of the three threads I was referring to was MIA from the sticky list, so I posted the link here for you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html

I hope I copied it correctly. It's an important read (IMO) and is something to seriously consider in a situation such as yours.

Ayers1995

I have to say that I am a close personal friend to SanJac - and I think she forgot to put that everytime the cops have been called - he turned it around and had "HER ARRESTED".

San Jac- You are starting the right path with coming to SR - and restarting your reading of Simple Abundance. I know it is difficult to find time with all the studying you have with school...but do try a little each day. You know that I love you dearly and you are a very dear friend to me. It's not going to be easy for either of us, but at least we're starting 'something'. Our lives aren't the norm...we've just gotten so used to it that we don't cringe at it like others do.

Anyway.... just wanted to say Hey and I hope your evening got better than mine did. SMILE -

ICU

Yup! This does happen! So here's yet another reason why I'm such a stickler for advising people to seek DV guidance and support.

elizabeth1979

Welcome!
Glad you are here!

Has your husband read the whole verse?
1 Peter 3:7


I doubt he has, abusive men like to say that women should be submissive, per the Bible, but they dont ever quote the scriptures that say they are to respect their wives..anyways..thats for another day for me..

I do hope you can get some support here and some knowledge and safety as well.

This was the sad truth for me as well. I dont miss broken windows, holes in walls, being held down, and spit on. I really dont miss it.
Take care of you first!

sanjac_cat

that part or the rose song and all the responses made me cry.. I am usaully the tough one ...thanks to all and I will look for help I have never dealt with anything like this before and was completely lost...but I am slowly finding my way and learning to Let Go...

equus

Absolutely!! I think it is SO IMPORTANT to get advice from a QUALIFIED source first when it comes to DV, that first - self help group later. You need to know that what you will be doing to improve your life has a good chance of success and the smallest possible chance of backfiring in a way that can put either of you at risk.

Violence does tend to escalate.

denny57

Al-Anon was a step in my accepting I was in an abusive situation. I would not presume to tell anyone in which order to start their recovery - the important thing is to start it, and even that is when they are ready.

Good luck sanjac_cat - you are worth it!

Pick-a-name

Yes....I thought the same thing when I read that,too. The Bible is very clear about the man is to love his wife as he would his own body,etc.

The Bible also is clear that a wife is not "required" to stand by and be abused. Your physical (and other) safety is your first priority,IMHO and nothing in my Bible contadicts that.

Glad you are here;keep posting. You don't have to decide everything right now except to figure out what you can/will do to keep yourself safe and free from harm. Alanon may be a way to help you figure that out; I am sure many others in your area have been through this same problems and may be able to give you information that will help you sort all that out.
You can work on the rest later.

I'm sorry you are having these problems. I know this is very difficult and the answers are not easy.

equus

I perhaps should add a little explaination of why I think qualified help is so important where DV is concerned.

With the best will in the world I wouldn't offer advice except to get proffesional advice because it takes specific training to be aware of both the similarities in situations involving DV and the differences. Something as simple as ignoring a partners rage can lead to unpredicatable consequences - which in turn can prove physically dangerous. I count myself as someone unable to offer advice or help in place of trained advice, the only support I can genuinely offer is to seek out a source more reliable than me.

It's just so important to get this right - ESPECIALLY when planning to make changes to reactions that could alter the status quo.

So that's why I believe it has to be trained help first. And why it's about the only exception where I'd be so direct in suggesting an action.

rivercitybelle

You don't have to. Rememeber the one thing you can control and change is you. Sometimes the journey foreward is done with baby steps.

Get a "safety plan" for you and the kids.
Make a spare car key. Stash clothes, etc in trunk or with a friend.
Call the DV hotline and get all the information you can. There may be a branch on campus that has information, counselling etc... try the Women's Studies dept.

I do NOT believe God put you or anyone else on this earth to be a human punching bag.

Keep posting and know we care about you. You are not alone.