It's too late now...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
It's too late now...
I haven't been around here for a long time. I'm thinking 3 years or so. I thought I had it managed. I thought I could just wander through my life with an aloholic as if it didn't matter. He worked...at least half of the time. We were lucky financially because he had two jobs, one of which was at bars on the weekends so of course, he almost never missed those gigs...free alcohol all night.
He never drank at home and was basically a weekend warrior who by wednesday, was unbearable to live with. We couldn't do anything right. There was always something irritating him. He would retreat to the bedroom and sulk pretty much until Friday at 6PM when he could get dressed and run out the door.
He drove drunk regularly.
He was verbally abusive, controlling and power tripping all the time; do this, don't do that until I felt like I would explode most of the time. I usually only spoke up when he'd start in on the kids or my crippled mother (verbal abuse only). I would never defend myself. I loved the creep. He was the love of my life which makes this all so unreal to me.
He would do the whole yoyo thing you know...treat us all like crap and then make up for it in some way.
Then there was the sex. It got less and less appealing to me as there was always so much pent up anger and resentment. This has gone on for years and just gotten progressively worse. Sure there were good days and bad days and I did the dance...right up until the end.
Over the past 6 weeks or so, I noticed something else, the control factor for some odd reason had began to grow and grow. I just kept feeling like something just wasn't right...or let's just say right for our usual oddness, even odder if you will.
I was seriously going to finally do it. I was going to strongly request his departure from the home. I knew he wouldn't leave and if that were the case, I was starting to put together a plan to leave and take my mom and the kids and go.
Too late now. I'm not going anywhere.
He's not living here anymore and never will again.
A couple weeks ago, he was out all day drinking. He was probably as drunk, if not drunker than he's ever been. I was at the grocery store with my 10 year old son and my niece and my 17 year old daughter (His daughter since she was 4. Her real father was an A and committed suicide when she was a toddler because of his alcoholism) was home alone with my mom. He came home and walked in her bedroom and proceeded to make lude and disturbing comments to her. She's a gorgeous girl and physically, very much a woman but emotionally and mentally, very much a girl. Then, in his drunken stupor, he grabbed at her breasts and tried to grope her, to which she had to hit and kick him to snap him back to "reality" let's say to which he responded..."Oh c'mon, you know I'm just playing."
I returned from the store as if nothing happened but noticed his truck in the driveway and as usual, found him asleep, dead to the world in bed, where he stayed for the rest of the evening.
I didn't find out this even happened for three days. He acted normal and as if nothing had happened and she had left the next morning to stay with her aunt and hadn't said a word to me about it...but she did tell my sister who came to my house with her the three days later and told me.
I immediately asked my daughter to tell me what happened and she did. Then, I immediately walked into the bedroom where he stood there, at the foot of our bed, as white as a sheet....just shaking and swore to God he did not remember any of this and he couldn't explain why or how it had happened...as I pounded him with everything I could get my hands on.
I gave him 5 minutes to exit the primises...well, not in those words. 2 days later, everything he had was packed in a room full of garbage bags, for the "garbage" to pick up which he did.
He did not get arrested as social services said since he had never done anything like this, had no record and had entered AA and counseling the very next day, that they would follow this closely and trusted that I would not allow him back in the home.
Ya think????
So...now I'm bombarded with "I'm sorry...I swear I don't remember...I'm getting help...I'll never drink again...please go to counseling with me...I'll apologize and explain...she (D) can go to counseling too..." and blah blah blah.
OK...it's off my chest now. Apparently, his counselor must think this is one of those alcohol dilusion things and I honestly believe he doesn't remember but you know what? That doesn't mean it didn't happen and it also doesn't mean i ever want his A, tired A$$ crap back in my life EVER again.
Our 10 year old son of course still adores him and wants to be with him all the time now and stay with him a lot. I guess he's all he has left so he's loving every minute of it. No, he isn't drinking or he wouldn't have our son with him.
I'm finally moving on. I just hate myself a lot for not doing this sooner or before this had to happen to make the brick house finally fall on my head.
Got any wisdom? I'd love to read it.
He never drank at home and was basically a weekend warrior who by wednesday, was unbearable to live with. We couldn't do anything right. There was always something irritating him. He would retreat to the bedroom and sulk pretty much until Friday at 6PM when he could get dressed and run out the door.
He drove drunk regularly.
He was verbally abusive, controlling and power tripping all the time; do this, don't do that until I felt like I would explode most of the time. I usually only spoke up when he'd start in on the kids or my crippled mother (verbal abuse only). I would never defend myself. I loved the creep. He was the love of my life which makes this all so unreal to me.
He would do the whole yoyo thing you know...treat us all like crap and then make up for it in some way.
Then there was the sex. It got less and less appealing to me as there was always so much pent up anger and resentment. This has gone on for years and just gotten progressively worse. Sure there were good days and bad days and I did the dance...right up until the end.
Over the past 6 weeks or so, I noticed something else, the control factor for some odd reason had began to grow and grow. I just kept feeling like something just wasn't right...or let's just say right for our usual oddness, even odder if you will.
I was seriously going to finally do it. I was going to strongly request his departure from the home. I knew he wouldn't leave and if that were the case, I was starting to put together a plan to leave and take my mom and the kids and go.
Too late now. I'm not going anywhere.
He's not living here anymore and never will again.
A couple weeks ago, he was out all day drinking. He was probably as drunk, if not drunker than he's ever been. I was at the grocery store with my 10 year old son and my niece and my 17 year old daughter (His daughter since she was 4. Her real father was an A and committed suicide when she was a toddler because of his alcoholism) was home alone with my mom. He came home and walked in her bedroom and proceeded to make lude and disturbing comments to her. She's a gorgeous girl and physically, very much a woman but emotionally and mentally, very much a girl. Then, in his drunken stupor, he grabbed at her breasts and tried to grope her, to which she had to hit and kick him to snap him back to "reality" let's say to which he responded..."Oh c'mon, you know I'm just playing."
I returned from the store as if nothing happened but noticed his truck in the driveway and as usual, found him asleep, dead to the world in bed, where he stayed for the rest of the evening.
I didn't find out this even happened for three days. He acted normal and as if nothing had happened and she had left the next morning to stay with her aunt and hadn't said a word to me about it...but she did tell my sister who came to my house with her the three days later and told me.
I immediately asked my daughter to tell me what happened and she did. Then, I immediately walked into the bedroom where he stood there, at the foot of our bed, as white as a sheet....just shaking and swore to God he did not remember any of this and he couldn't explain why or how it had happened...as I pounded him with everything I could get my hands on.
I gave him 5 minutes to exit the primises...well, not in those words. 2 days later, everything he had was packed in a room full of garbage bags, for the "garbage" to pick up which he did.
He did not get arrested as social services said since he had never done anything like this, had no record and had entered AA and counseling the very next day, that they would follow this closely and trusted that I would not allow him back in the home.
Ya think????
So...now I'm bombarded with "I'm sorry...I swear I don't remember...I'm getting help...I'll never drink again...please go to counseling with me...I'll apologize and explain...she (D) can go to counseling too..." and blah blah blah.
OK...it's off my chest now. Apparently, his counselor must think this is one of those alcohol dilusion things and I honestly believe he doesn't remember but you know what? That doesn't mean it didn't happen and it also doesn't mean i ever want his A, tired A$$ crap back in my life EVER again.
Our 10 year old son of course still adores him and wants to be with him all the time now and stay with him a lot. I guess he's all he has left so he's loving every minute of it. No, he isn't drinking or he wouldn't have our son with him.
I'm finally moving on. I just hate myself a lot for not doing this sooner or before this had to happen to make the brick house finally fall on my head.
Got any wisdom? I'd love to read it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
I'm so sorry to hear what has happend to you and your family, especially your daughter. You absoultely did the right thing. Verbal abuse IMHO is worse than physical abuse in that the effects last a life time where a bruise or broken bone eventually heals. What he did to your daughter whether or not he remembers is sexual abuse and IMHO he should have been arrested (the laws are so twisted). (My AH spent 5 days in a nasty county jail b/c he was behind in child support $1260) I'm not saying he shouldn't have been; it's just where is the balance? He's supposed to be her father? What he did to her will change who she is forever. Fondling, groping, grabbing or forced intercourse are all sexual molestation IMHO. Is she seeing a counsler? If not she needs to be again,IMHO ( so do you and your son). All of you have lived with and have been exposed to his abusive behavior and alcoholism and there are qualified professionsal that can help all of you sort through this. Don't Blame yourself for not leaving. You were doing the best you could under the circumstances and now that you know better, you'll do better. Whether he remembers or not has no merit here. Sure, A are prone to blackouts but HE did what HE did and he should never be allowed back into your home until he's at least 1 yr sober and actively working a program. (That's if you want him back, but it don't sound like it.) I was sexually molested by a "family" member when I was seven yrs old and stories like this just burn me up. Please, go to alanon. There are people there that can help you put the focus back on you and the kids and off of him. It's ain't over yet girl. Sounds like he's going to use every tactic he can to get you to forgive him, and get him back into the house. You have to protect your children. Period. Are his visit's with your 10yr old supervised? If not why? Can you get a lawyer so that you can make sure his visitaiton with him is supervised? I know you said he's not drinking and is probably on probation and has to stay clean, chances are not for long. Those children are your #1 priority. Thier protection, saftey, and mental health should be your primary concern. Take care of them. Take care of you. Keep posting, don't go away this time. You will find the people here to be full knowledge, wisdom and compassion, they do care about you and your family. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
So sorry about this.
Evidently, this is not unusual when the blackouts,etc start getting bad (not that it makes this any less difficult to deal with). Toby Rice Drews addresses this in at least one of the Getting Them Sober books. I don't know if that information would be helpful to you,but I thought I would let you know that it is there for family members that find themselves in situations like the one you are in. I am so sorry for you all.
You sound like you have taken the steps that you need to. (Also glad to see AH is addressing his end.)
A big hug going out to you.
Evidently, this is not unusual when the blackouts,etc start getting bad (not that it makes this any less difficult to deal with). Toby Rice Drews addresses this in at least one of the Getting Them Sober books. I don't know if that information would be helpful to you,but I thought I would let you know that it is there for family members that find themselves in situations like the one you are in. I am so sorry for you all.
You sound like you have taken the steps that you need to. (Also glad to see AH is addressing his end.)
A big hug going out to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
My dear you say that you hate yourself,for not doing this sooner.it really takes what it takes,to make changes.Forgive yourself.You did the best,with what you knew then at the moment.Thats all any of us can do,and have done.You know differnetly now,and your making the changes,that you ,feel that you,need to,way to go.Do you go to Al-Anon?its a great recovery program for the family and friends of alcoholics.You are no longer all alone.There is fellowship,and those who can share with you,their own experience,strenght and hope,with you.Keep on,keeping on.
My prayers for you and your family,
God Bless,and take care
My prayers for you and your family,
God Bless,and take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Thank you all for responding.
I've asked my daughter if she wants to go to counseling or talk or anything and she said she would rather just deal with it and move on. She is unfortunately much like me in that respect but I've been watching her closely and she appears on the outside to be OK and claims it's the way in which I handled it that made her feel better immediately. I've even asked her if this has ever happened before to which she replied that a couple of times, he made a comment about her bust size that she was uncomfortable with. (She's very tall and thin but is pretty big on top)
Her one truly telling response to me so far was..."Mom, a lot of men are just pigs, esspecially when they drink." She and I have always been very close but she claims she didn't tell me at first because she was afraid of the family falling apart. She said it was weird, it was as if it wasn't even him but some dark side just took over...like he was someone else.
I'm sure a divorce is somewhere on the horizon but right now, I just need space and normalcy of any kind. I missed four days of work (I have a wonderful boss) and went back and just fell into my work like it was fresh air.
I didn't realize how many things I wanted but couldn't have because of his dictatorship. I went out and got the tattoo I've been wantin for years and years and I'm about to get another cat, to which I was threatened if I got another cat, he just wouldn't stand for it! Ha! I'll do whatever makes the kids and I happy from here on out.
His visit with my son are supervised at his Mom's where he is living. I honestly do not think he is drinking but my son is old enough to understand what has happened and has been instructed to call me ASAP if he so much as goes into an environment where there may be alcohol.
Our son's love is all that he has left on this earth but his guard is up as well.
He is still begging to come home...not happening. It's as if what little bit of love or whatever it was that I had left for him just drained from my body. I really am numb and just the sight of him when he comes to pick up our son causes the gag reflex and I have to just turn away.
My daughter is a model and was chosen for a very nice job doing the fall series of bridal shows for Maryland and Northern Virginia for a couture bridal shop. She's not going to let this "speed bump" as she called it, ruin her career or her life. Her boyfriend is still on her side and still worships her and she still has all of her friends and family around her for support. I however still have my eyes and ears open for anything.
I'm just waiting for someone to tell me it's going to be OK and that someday, there will be someone in my life that won't see me as a lifeline but who will just love me for me and who I won't have to take care of.
I just wanted to add that before this and since I left here, I wasn't going to Alanon but I was working the program perfectly in order to maintain the boundaries and detach. Only when I felt that my life was being wasted and that my kids were feeling his wrath, did I decide to leave. Of course, that's when he decided to grope my daughter. What a worthless piece of trash.
I've asked my daughter if she wants to go to counseling or talk or anything and she said she would rather just deal with it and move on. She is unfortunately much like me in that respect but I've been watching her closely and she appears on the outside to be OK and claims it's the way in which I handled it that made her feel better immediately. I've even asked her if this has ever happened before to which she replied that a couple of times, he made a comment about her bust size that she was uncomfortable with. (She's very tall and thin but is pretty big on top)
Her one truly telling response to me so far was..."Mom, a lot of men are just pigs, esspecially when they drink." She and I have always been very close but she claims she didn't tell me at first because she was afraid of the family falling apart. She said it was weird, it was as if it wasn't even him but some dark side just took over...like he was someone else.
I'm sure a divorce is somewhere on the horizon but right now, I just need space and normalcy of any kind. I missed four days of work (I have a wonderful boss) and went back and just fell into my work like it was fresh air.
I didn't realize how many things I wanted but couldn't have because of his dictatorship. I went out and got the tattoo I've been wantin for years and years and I'm about to get another cat, to which I was threatened if I got another cat, he just wouldn't stand for it! Ha! I'll do whatever makes the kids and I happy from here on out.
His visit with my son are supervised at his Mom's where he is living. I honestly do not think he is drinking but my son is old enough to understand what has happened and has been instructed to call me ASAP if he so much as goes into an environment where there may be alcohol.
Our son's love is all that he has left on this earth but his guard is up as well.
He is still begging to come home...not happening. It's as if what little bit of love or whatever it was that I had left for him just drained from my body. I really am numb and just the sight of him when he comes to pick up our son causes the gag reflex and I have to just turn away.
My daughter is a model and was chosen for a very nice job doing the fall series of bridal shows for Maryland and Northern Virginia for a couture bridal shop. She's not going to let this "speed bump" as she called it, ruin her career or her life. Her boyfriend is still on her side and still worships her and she still has all of her friends and family around her for support. I however still have my eyes and ears open for anything.
I'm just waiting for someone to tell me it's going to be OK and that someday, there will be someone in my life that won't see me as a lifeline but who will just love me for me and who I won't have to take care of.
I just wanted to add that before this and since I left here, I wasn't going to Alanon but I was working the program perfectly in order to maintain the boundaries and detach. Only when I felt that my life was being wasted and that my kids were feeling his wrath, did I decide to leave. Of course, that's when he decided to grope my daughter. What a worthless piece of trash.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
From your daughter's perspective, Dad came home drunk, turned into some freak of a man whom she didn't recognize, she successfully defended herself, and you believed her. She, most likely, does feel it's resolved. She doesn't have to be near her dad when he's drunk, and she knows you will shield her with every available means at your disposal. That would make me feel pretty secure if I were her.
As for you, keep up working your program, and forgive yourself. You had already decided you were leaving, you weren't in denial, you weren't justifying his behavior, you weren't thinking you could fix him. You had no reason to suspect that he would do something like this. Forgive yourself. Or thank your diety of choice that it was an event just big enough to shove you into action, but not so big as to really cause your daughter severe emotional trauma (such as rape). Forgive yourself. Then move forward.
You sound like you're doing a great job protecting everyone from him. But you also need to take care of you. Don't forget that. Your kids will learn by example. Set for them the best example you can.
As for you, keep up working your program, and forgive yourself. You had already decided you were leaving, you weren't in denial, you weren't justifying his behavior, you weren't thinking you could fix him. You had no reason to suspect that he would do something like this. Forgive yourself. Or thank your diety of choice that it was an event just big enough to shove you into action, but not so big as to really cause your daughter severe emotional trauma (such as rape). Forgive yourself. Then move forward.
You sound like you're doing a great job protecting everyone from him. But you also need to take care of you. Don't forget that. Your kids will learn by example. Set for them the best example you can.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Well...we just had a HUGE fight on the phone. I couldn't control my anger and I just kept yelling and going on about all of the years I wasted with him, waiting for him to see the light.
He wanted me to let him stay here tonight! Can you imagine???? NOT WITH ME but in the club room downstairs. AGH!
Is nothing I am saying or have said getting in his thick skull?
I am not sending mixed messages at ALL, he just refuses to face the truth and the facts, which are actually more important than the truth.
I'm going to have to file for divorce now. I was going to wait a while just to make sure I was right with this in my head but now, I don't think I have a choice.
He wanted me to let him stay here tonight! Can you imagine???? NOT WITH ME but in the club room downstairs. AGH!
Is nothing I am saying or have said getting in his thick skull?
I am not sending mixed messages at ALL, he just refuses to face the truth and the facts, which are actually more important than the truth.
I'm going to have to file for divorce now. I was going to wait a while just to make sure I was right with this in my head but now, I don't think I have a choice.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Hon, you always have choices. You may know that a divorce is in the horizon - but you get to choose when! Do not let this arguement you had with him and his ridiculous actions (asking to come stay) set you back!
I can only imagine the emotional state you are in and all that you are going through - but remember, one thing at a time, one day at a time.
He is not going to control you or manipulate you anymore!
The power is now YOURS and this is YOUR life!!!!
Hang in there!!!
I can only imagine the emotional state you are in and all that you are going through - but remember, one thing at a time, one day at a time.
He is not going to control you or manipulate you anymore!
The power is now YOURS and this is YOUR life!!!!
Hang in there!!!
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
((((Longstrangetrip))))
Just know that you, your family and even your alcoholic husband are in my prayers today. I pray that you are lead to exactly where you need to be, and that you are filled with comfort and peace with your decisions.
Just know that you, your family and even your alcoholic husband are in my prayers today. I pray that you are lead to exactly where you need to be, and that you are filled with comfort and peace with your decisions.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: West Vancouver, BC
Posts: 405
I Don't Want to Upset You
You have a lot on your plate..I agree that going to some Alanon meetings are a very good idea - even though the Alcoholic will be out of your life and possibly even sober...We are changed and made ill ourselves by living with an Alcoholic..All members of the family no matter how much they think they are unaffected do need councilling IMHO...
I have lived thru that warzone...
Regarding your daughter..I understand that she doesn't want to "rock her world" any further at this time..and just wants to forget and go into a sort of "denial"...I did too....
But I tell you from experience..this ruined my life..I am a 50 yr old woman, single never married (not because I haven't been asked or am a troll ha-ha), no kids..and never trusted the love of the wonderful men I have had in my life...I have had memories come flooding back that have incapacitated me... My experience set me up for further experiences that were much worse...and I am only just remembering them and seeing how they have affected my life, my attitude and my decisions..
Quite telling is the quote of your daughter "all men are PIGS" - this incident has changed your daughter forever - unless she does get some sexual abuse councelling...Right now she doesn't think she needs it - I didn't either..But with all my heart -
I wish I had..so much of my life has passed me by - It could have been so different..
Bless you in recovering from the nightmare...You will if you take action
You will find so much support here at SR..and so many people will share their personal experiences with you.....
Take what you like ....and Leave the rest....
Janni.
I have lived thru that warzone...
Regarding your daughter..I understand that she doesn't want to "rock her world" any further at this time..and just wants to forget and go into a sort of "denial"...I did too....
But I tell you from experience..this ruined my life..I am a 50 yr old woman, single never married (not because I haven't been asked or am a troll ha-ha), no kids..and never trusted the love of the wonderful men I have had in my life...I have had memories come flooding back that have incapacitated me... My experience set me up for further experiences that were much worse...and I am only just remembering them and seeing how they have affected my life, my attitude and my decisions..
Quite telling is the quote of your daughter "all men are PIGS" - this incident has changed your daughter forever - unless she does get some sexual abuse councelling...Right now she doesn't think she needs it - I didn't either..But with all my heart -
I wish I had..so much of my life has passed me by - It could have been so different..
Bless you in recovering from the nightmare...You will if you take action
You will find so much support here at SR..and so many people will share their personal experiences with you.....
Take what you like ....and Leave the rest....
Janni.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Well of course this is going from BAD to WORSE.
I get home from taking my daughter to her fashion show rehearsal which went so great for her and I have a message to call my SIL.
Apparently, what has happened is now making it's way all around town. She said this one called that one and so on and so on. This is exactly what I knew would happen but it makes me sick because I don't want people looking at my daughter like this.
Him..pffft! What does it matter but she does not deserve this stigma.
Here this girl didn't do anything wrong but she is going to be painted as some kind of victim or something.
Moving out of state is really starting to appeal to me.
I get home from taking my daughter to her fashion show rehearsal which went so great for her and I have a message to call my SIL.
Apparently, what has happened is now making it's way all around town. She said this one called that one and so on and so on. This is exactly what I knew would happen but it makes me sick because I don't want people looking at my daughter like this.
Him..pffft! What does it matter but she does not deserve this stigma.
Here this girl didn't do anything wrong but she is going to be painted as some kind of victim or something.
Moving out of state is really starting to appeal to me.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
I'm sorry to hear that. Tell your daughter to hold her head up high and politely tell folks if the ask, that she appreciates their concern (translate being nosy) and that it's none of their business and immediately change the subject to anything else... weather is always a good one.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
You sound like a good and protective mother!! I like that you talk to her and listen too, I think that's so important.
I wish I had something helpful to add, it does sound like such a distressing situation.
I wish I had something helpful to add, it does sound like such a distressing situation.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Please, Longstrange....
Ask your daughter to at least try a couple of counselling sessions. She is 17, and they think they know a lot, but this is something that needs treatment...I'm sure that she is trying to forget this, but like upanddown says, it will resurface and affect her in the future!!
As for you....you did the best you could with what you know. I would very suspicious of this man and his motives of getting back with you!! Please be careful and stay strong. You absolutely did the right thing, but is there no way to persue this and press charges?? I would nail this guy to the wall, blackout or no!! It just makes me shudder to think what you must be going through. Be good to yourself, S*&T happens, and we cannot control the universe. And luckily she was 17 and not 7. Take care of yourself and those beautiful children!!!
Ask your daughter to at least try a couple of counselling sessions. She is 17, and they think they know a lot, but this is something that needs treatment...I'm sure that she is trying to forget this, but like upanddown says, it will resurface and affect her in the future!!
As for you....you did the best you could with what you know. I would very suspicious of this man and his motives of getting back with you!! Please be careful and stay strong. You absolutely did the right thing, but is there no way to persue this and press charges?? I would nail this guy to the wall, blackout or no!! It just makes me shudder to think what you must be going through. Be good to yourself, S*&T happens, and we cannot control the universe. And luckily she was 17 and not 7. Take care of yourself and those beautiful children!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
I asked her again today how she felt about all of this and she maintains that she is fine and just wants to put this behind her. She did say something that did disturb me which was about trust and basically, not really wanting to trust anyone else (besides her close friends and our immediate family) but I left the door open for her to please come to me if she feels like she needs any help.
I don't want to keep grilling her about it. She's been through enough grief.
Oh and upanddownjj...she didn't say all men are pigs she said some are pigs when they drink. She has a couple males adults in her life who she does trust and feels secure around so I think she understands that this was an isolated incident during a severely alcoholic day of one alcoholic. It doesn't make it easier for her for sure but she's keeping it in context and isn't blaming every man in the world for this man's foolish mistake.
Unfortunately, he is still all about himself. Unfortunately, I have to speak to him about our son and he grabs every opportunity to discuss this situation...at least from his perspective...when we talk. We go back and forth in e-mails with me trying to tell him that this is not a do-over. He can't fix it and to just get well for his sons and forget about my daughter and I.
What's the use. I think my attempts to drum it into his head are completely futile. Today I told him divorce is immenent. This of course means that his idiotic behavior will cause my children and I to have to sell this house and move. I surely cannot afford it on my salary alone. At least with a profit from the house, I'll have something to start over with.
As far as police, my daughter does not want him arrested or courts, police or anything else involved and I have to respect her wishes. We've been to Social Services and she told them in private that she just wants him to stay away from her and never come near her again. Not out of fear but out of complete hurt and disappointment in the man who was supposed to be her father.
I'm still moving on. He is still so wrapped up in his wants and desires to come home that he can't see the reality of all of this.
Hopefully someday, he'll open his heart and mind to recovery and start his life over...he has no choice now anyway.
I don't want to keep grilling her about it. She's been through enough grief.
Oh and upanddownjj...she didn't say all men are pigs she said some are pigs when they drink. She has a couple males adults in her life who she does trust and feels secure around so I think she understands that this was an isolated incident during a severely alcoholic day of one alcoholic. It doesn't make it easier for her for sure but she's keeping it in context and isn't blaming every man in the world for this man's foolish mistake.
Unfortunately, he is still all about himself. Unfortunately, I have to speak to him about our son and he grabs every opportunity to discuss this situation...at least from his perspective...when we talk. We go back and forth in e-mails with me trying to tell him that this is not a do-over. He can't fix it and to just get well for his sons and forget about my daughter and I.
What's the use. I think my attempts to drum it into his head are completely futile. Today I told him divorce is immenent. This of course means that his idiotic behavior will cause my children and I to have to sell this house and move. I surely cannot afford it on my salary alone. At least with a profit from the house, I'll have something to start over with.
As far as police, my daughter does not want him arrested or courts, police or anything else involved and I have to respect her wishes. We've been to Social Services and she told them in private that she just wants him to stay away from her and never come near her again. Not out of fear but out of complete hurt and disappointment in the man who was supposed to be her father.
I'm still moving on. He is still so wrapped up in his wants and desires to come home that he can't see the reality of all of this.
Hopefully someday, he'll open his heart and mind to recovery and start his life over...he has no choice now anyway.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
If your daughter wanted to let him move back in would you be respecting her wishes?
Sexual abuse distorts a child on so many levels. She may be a teenager, but she is still a child. I dont have children so I couldnt say what I would do for certain, but I am pretty sure letting her call the shots is not the way to help her.
I commend you for making certain he is not in your home any longer.
Much like upanddown said, I too have had trouble with relationships. While I was not molested, I was raped when I was 17 and a virgin. In addition, I was raised in a highly disfunctional home. Dad never around, mom locked herself in her bedroom for weeks at a time..I didnt want to deal with it either, but I needed to.
My point, is that children do not always know what the best way to deal with things is.
Sexual abuse distorts a child on so many levels. She may be a teenager, but she is still a child. I dont have children so I couldnt say what I would do for certain, but I am pretty sure letting her call the shots is not the way to help her.
As far as police, my daughter does not want him arrested or courts, police or anything else involved and I have to respect her wishes
Much like upanddown said, I too have had trouble with relationships. While I was not molested, I was raped when I was 17 and a virgin. In addition, I was raised in a highly disfunctional home. Dad never around, mom locked herself in her bedroom for weeks at a time..I didnt want to deal with it either, but I needed to.
My point, is that children do not always know what the best way to deal with things is.
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