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AH working, and miserable. I need reminders.

Old 08-18-2006, 03:29 PM
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AH working, and miserable. I need reminders.

I came home from work today at 5pm and AH is still sleeping. I look around the house and nothing has been done. He has to be at work at 6:00pm. I get codie mad and before you know it give him one of my disgusted looks. He knows what I mean so he says "what" and I say " Man you've got major problems, I just don't think you can be helped."
Well let me tell you he tried to push every button he could think of and nothing was working. Then he says you won't have to worry about me anymore, not that you give a [email protected]#$ anyway. So I say are you planning on leaving? He says yes " I would've killed myself last night in the garage but I didn't have enough gas. He's never used this card before so I say: "that's pretty selfish considering you have three children that love you and it's the easy way out." " You have all of the tools at your disposal such as AA meetings, The Big book,The 12 and 12 book and all of the information you obtained from your 28day rehab stay, you just don't want to do the WORK."
He than starts saying how "he's just so thrilled with AA and alanon, there's a guy I went to see a couple of times who has made me a little uncomfortable. Just a gut feeling, so I told my husband I wasn't going to see him again 1:1 besides he's charging people money to hep them work the steps (he's a 20 yr RAH and retired therapist) and I just think it's unethical since a sponsor can do the same thing for free. AH agrees. Nothing has been mentioned on the subject until today and that conversation took place two weeks ago. Now he's saying " there's a guy in alanon trying to f$%# my wife, I can't make my wife happy no matter what I do and yesterday when you decided you wanted to have sex (haven't in 6 weeks or more), I can't get an erection.
OK, the guy he's refering to in alanon is 70 yrs old, has has 2 heart attacks, hip replacements (not my type LOL). I told him I was no longer seeing him 1:1 and haven't seen him at any of the meetings I've gone to in the past two weeks (I know which ones he goes to and avoid them). As far as the sex situation was concerned I was more than understanding, I kept telling him not to worry, that's it's OK. It's probably just in his mind. We've been spending time apart to work on ourselves and there has been no intimacy, I understand and it's ok. I tell himnot to worry about it. It dosen't make me think less of him as a man, infact it shows me he really does have feelings. So I tell him let it go. Well, I guess he didn't. Then he say's " there's no telling how many guys are hitting on you or how many you're hitting on. I've been staying out of the crazy irrational talk until this. Then I remind him that I have never cheated on anyone ever in any relationship I've been in (he has) but I don't say this. The he says as he's getting ready to leave, "I hate my job, hate my life just want it all to end." I again bring up how selfish a thing to say especially for a man who has three beautiful healthy children. He says "I got give a S#@$ about them, why should I no one cares about me."
Amazingly enough I was calm the entire time which is opposite my "usual" reaction to such things.
I see this for what it is but I need your help. I need people to remind me what it is he's doing or trying to do to me because at this point that guilt is rearing it's ugly head trying to make me believe that I am responsible for how he feels, what he does or doesn't do, that he hates his job and want's to end his life or so he says. I can't let my feelings of guilt creep in, it will ruin all the progress I've made thus far. Please, I need reminders and support.
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:39 PM
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Hi blizzard

The only thing I can suggest is the next time he says "what?" You say "oh, nothing" and walk away.

Sorry this is going on.
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:43 PM
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Sounds to me like all you handled it GREAT!!!
All you need is validation that you are handling this well, you got it.
Just Keep it up
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:52 PM
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Thanks, but right now I'm crying so hard I can hardly type. I'm so mad. I'm trying so hard to get myself better and he is doing NOTHING. Except of course manipulating my feelings. This is just so hard. I was looking forward to my weekend off now I'm dreading it. Why do A do this to us???
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:53 PM
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Whew, he certainly knows how to hit the buttons and dump the guilt-trip on you, doesn't he? You remained calm in the face of his trying to escalate things into a world war. Do NOT feel guilty. If he hates his job, that's his job and his problem. He doesn't hate his children, but by saying he doesn't care about them because he feels nobody cares about him is just him sitting on the pitty pot, along with a lot of quacking. Hang tough and remember that you don't have to let him manipulate you into feeling guilty.
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:55 PM
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Wow, this just reminds me how easy it is to get sucked back in. He handled you quite well.
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:55 PM
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Oh, and by the way .. the reason they do it

may sound over simplistic, but they're sick. They're avoiding their real feelings, if they even know what they REALLY feel at all. So they dump all over those closest to them. They project their own frustration and self-hate and guilt on the nearest targets. It's part of what my shrink terms "alcoholic insanity."
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:57 PM
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Originally Posted by blizzard77
Why do A do this to us???
That's the million dollar question, isn't it blizzard? I can offer you this: the more I worked on myself and got better - which you are doing - the less guilt I felt. It took quite a while, but it happened.

(((())))
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Old 08-18-2006, 03:58 PM
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Hang in there I always get sucked back in(just ask around here!) I'm glsd you came here to post. Stay strong and PLEASE take care of yourself.(((blizz)))
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:00 PM
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He's not doing it to you Blizzard, you are doing it to yourself. You can walk away, you can set boundaries, you can learn to detach. You are only the victim in this because you allowing yourself to be victimized by an alcoholic.
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:03 PM
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Why do A do this to us???
They don't. They just do it. I was the one that allowed myself to be subjected to it. It's not your fault he hates his job - if it's that bad, he can find another one. Or go back to college and learn a new skill. Anything to get off his backside and work towards a better life for himself. Or, he can always choose to keep doing what he's always done. And you have the same choice, sweetie.

If you are worried that he is going to attempt suicide, call 911. If he's serious, then you've got that covered. If he's not, then he'll have some explaining to do and just might think twice about pulling that trick again.
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:08 PM
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ASpouse,
In my mind I know I am letting this happen. I know he's not doing this to me, I am allowing myself to feel victimized. Yet I'm sitting here crying to the point of huffing (one of those hard crys that I do when no one's around). It hurts deep inside. I feel like I used every ounce of strength I had in me to avoid what could've turned in to all out war. I guess I'm just not strong enough yet.
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:15 PM
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Hey Blizz, I often think that I'm not strong enough, but some how I'm still standing. Hang in there and pull your strength from us. Thats why we are all here! Sometimes after I get it all out here and have my good cry I feel better. So go right ahead VENT VENT VENT!!! We can take it
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Old 08-18-2006, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by blizzard77
ASpouse,
In my mind I know I am letting this happen. I know he's not doing this to me, I am allowing myself to feel victimized. Yet I'm sitting here crying to the point of huffing (one of those hard crys that I do when no one's around). It hurts deep inside. I feel like I used every ounce of strength I had in me to avoid what could've turned in to all out war. I guess I'm just not strong enough yet.
Well you asked for reminders and that was the strongest one that came to my mind! You'll be OK ...... when you're ready, you're ready and not a minute before then.
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Old 08-18-2006, 05:31 PM
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Now I just dont agree with that at all.

You did WONDERFUL for where you are right now. I for one still feel the feelings and that is OK. You handled the situation wonderfully, and you walked away to cry. Sweetie what more progress are you expecting of yourself????

It does not happen overnight hon, you used your tools and that is all any of us can do, now all you have to do is deal with the emotion.... in time with more recovery the emotions will become less and less (*sighs* trust me on this) and you will see the quacking before it starts and not have to hide the buttons cuz they will no longer be there.

Have your cry and know we are proud of you!
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Old 08-18-2006, 06:11 PM
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Thanks Cynay. I needed to hear that. I'm done crying now. I read everything in The language of letting go about guilt and victimization. Given where I was a month ago and where I am now....I am making progress. I have to remember to be patient with myself and know that this is not the last time he will try to push my buttons in an attempt to turn me into a screaming and nasty person. A person I don't want to be anymore. My guilt over this confrontation is gone. I did what I'm told to do. I surrendered, accepted what I was feeling...felt it and let it go.
He's sick, I'm sick but the difference between him and I is the fact that I am trying and am willing to go to any lengths to get what I want..peace and serenity. There's one thing I don't understand....He's actinig as if he's drinking, he's more miserable than he was when he was drinking because he has nothing to numb the pain. Why don't he just go and get drunk? Get it over with. I guess it's not for me to understand. Thanks again for your kind words of support and for seeing that I'm doing my best at the point I am at.
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Old 08-18-2006, 06:23 PM
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Wow - my heart goes out to you. I don't know that I have great words of wisdom, but I understand what it's like to have a spouse that seems to be functioning in a different world. The best thing I do is Practice . . . Practice . . . Practice. If you got thru without responding in the usual way - you won a small victory you can build on.

I've had to learn - and am still learning everyday that I cannot "fix" or even "take care of" my spouse. "I can't change him" takes on new meaning when you know it's something destructive. It's hard.

I read somewhere to try or at least imagine fasting for a day or three or a week - the desire for food by the end is a similar pull for an alcoholic. It also suggested just to try to find something to admire. It could be as small as - "he has such ideals of the world and is so disappointed - that's why he is so depressed."

I don't know if that will help. I have a hard time "admiring" some of the chracteristics of my spouse, but I know that the admiration is less about him and more about myself and my perspective on life in general.

I don't have kids - so I can't imagine throwing that into the mix. If nothing I have said means anything to you . . . at least know that you touched my heart and my prayers go out to you tonight.

Gray
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Old 08-18-2006, 06:54 PM
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Gray,
What you said helps a lot. I'm trying not to resent him anymore as it's just selfish and inconsiderate on my part, besides it eats me alive. So, instead I pray for him the same things I want for myself..peace, serenity, health, happiness and prosperity. I have to stop expecting him to be who is is not. That's why I say I can see where I'm being selfish and inconsiderate. He is who he is and I am working at accepting him for who he is even if he is insane right now. I do this for myself...accepting him for who he is wether I like it or not frees me from the obsession of controlling that which is out of my control. Easier said than done, but I work on my recovery on a daily basis in all my affairs. I don't worry as much as I used to about the future of our relationship because I know God's Will, not mine will be done. I have to place my faith into his hands that the future he has in mind for me will be better than the past I've endured (not lived). I just have to keep showing up and doing my work, he'll take care of the rest.
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Old 08-18-2006, 07:29 PM
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Blizzard nothing changes if nothing changes.

I get codie mad and before you know it give him one of my disgusted looks. He knows what I mean so he says "what" and I say " Man you've got major problems, I just don't think you can be helped."
When we change our actions, reactions to us change. Maybe next time you will be able to walk in the door, look around, give no 'looks', say nothing and walk on into the kitchen or bedroom.

As you start to change your actions to him, he will change his reactions as he realizes his old ways no longer work. Also, please try and remember, when talking with a 'practicing' alkie, you will make NO HEADWAY, as you in essence are talking to the bottle.

Sweetie you are doing the best you can right now, and it is certainly better than you were doing last week or last month. Continue with your reading and applying to yourself what you are reading. It's really no longer about HIM, its about you.

You learning to set boundaries and stick with them. You learning how to be good to you. You learning how to go on with living your life, and getting some enjoyment out of it. Leave HIS PROBLEM with him. Limit his access to your funds, continue posting to let us know how you are doing, ask questions, contribute your ES & H, etc.

Most of us here, have at one time been where you are now or still are where you are now. I certainly was there, when I was 3 years sober, my AA sponsor suggested, very strongly, that it was time I also joined Alanon to take care of my Codie side, sheesh. You would think, being sober, knowing and remembering how I could manipulate that my AH couldn't get to me, right? WRONG, roflmao.

I went through h*ll sober with that man and finally at 6 years of sobriety I was finally able to leave him. That after lots of very HARD WORK on me. Stay with us Blizzard, there is lots of great experience, strength and hope on this forum.

Please feel free to PM me anytime.

Take care, we do care!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-19-2006, 09:05 AM
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Morning Blizzard. For some reason he knows that you will give him a reason 'not to commit suicide' - the kids. So he will thrive on that to make you feel bad that he's not happy and wants to end it all.... he knows you'll think of how the kids would feel. Chances are, he wouldn't do such a thing. He's threatening because you are getting stronger and he's not.

My ah is always accusing me of sleeping around. At the moment he's sure that it's someone at my job. That way when I don't answer every time he calls... I'm sleeping w/someone. He will accuse you of that, so that you will reassure him. I don't even go there with mine anymore...I don't respond at all.

I am not very far along w/my recovery. I am not strong enough to let go and let god either. But I am learning things a little at a time ... for when I am ready. Each step is going to make you stronger and more resistant to his threats.

Take care of yourself. That's all we can do...
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