A couple updates
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A couple updates
While on vacation we got a call that my sister (who was supposed to go to a drug treatment program in Minneapolis) was missing. She took the Greyhound to Minneapolis and was staying at the Salvation Army across the street. We were told on Monday night that she hadn't been seen since Thursday when she got a pass for work release (or something like that), and that all of her belongings were still by her bed at the Salvation Army.
We found out a couple days later that she took off for Atlanta with some guy to be a dancer. We were relieved she was ok, but not too thrilled with her going to Atlanta with this guy....who we now believe to be her "pimp".
Last friday, she got arrested for a crack pipe. I'm not sure of all the details, but b/c of her arrest, a local county up here by us is going to pick her up b/c she has a felony warrant for Failing to Appear (this was back when she was found unresponsive in a hotel room with a bunch of meth).
At least we know she's ok since she is now in custody.
___________________
On another note, I've scheduled an appointment for my son to speak to a counselor. Though he seems on the outside to be doing ok, I just want to be sure he is dealing with everything ok and not holding things in.
He has REALLY REALLY bad dreams (which sometimes include his dad...lately his dad dies in his dreams, this last one, his dad sacrificed himself to save my son...the one before this, G was drunk and got beat up really bad while trying to defend the kids). My boy is 10!!!! He should not being having dreams like this!!!
We found out a couple days later that she took off for Atlanta with some guy to be a dancer. We were relieved she was ok, but not too thrilled with her going to Atlanta with this guy....who we now believe to be her "pimp".
Last friday, she got arrested for a crack pipe. I'm not sure of all the details, but b/c of her arrest, a local county up here by us is going to pick her up b/c she has a felony warrant for Failing to Appear (this was back when she was found unresponsive in a hotel room with a bunch of meth).
At least we know she's ok since she is now in custody.
___________________
On another note, I've scheduled an appointment for my son to speak to a counselor. Though he seems on the outside to be doing ok, I just want to be sure he is dealing with everything ok and not holding things in.
He has REALLY REALLY bad dreams (which sometimes include his dad...lately his dad dies in his dreams, this last one, his dad sacrificed himself to save my son...the one before this, G was drunk and got beat up really bad while trying to defend the kids). My boy is 10!!!! He should not being having dreams like this!!!
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Well considering what he's lived through the past 2 years, the flip flopping, dad being there, not being there, being there, I think the dreams are normal.
You're right, he is only 10 and he should not be having dreams like this, but Jess, you were advised that this would most likely happen and you insisted he was fine. At least you are getting him counselling now, it might have been better 2 years ago, but it's a good thing! He'll be fine, just don't push him to talk about it. He will talk to you when he is ready. You can't control this. You might want to get your other child in counselling also NOW!
The most innocent victims of alcoholism is always the kids, always!
You're right, he is only 10 and he should not be having dreams like this, but Jess, you were advised that this would most likely happen and you insisted he was fine. At least you are getting him counselling now, it might have been better 2 years ago, but it's a good thing! He'll be fine, just don't push him to talk about it. He will talk to you when he is ready. You can't control this. You might want to get your other child in counselling also NOW!
The most innocent victims of alcoholism is always the kids, always!
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Judy....you have a lovely way of helping me to see how well I take care of my kids. Thanks! But forwarned or not...I had to get out of my denial to see and admit and accept and get out of MY fog so I could clearly see what and how this was affecting my kids.
My son has had really vivid bad dreams as long as I can remember...and has woke up many times scared b/c of his dreams. As soon as he could talk I taught him a prayer to keep the bad dreams away.
Isn't it true that we learn from lifes experiences? Other than feeling like my dad didn't love us b/c of what my mom said to me/us (and I didn't even really realize that until recently)....I don't remember their seperation or divorce having me in counseling. I've never experienced this before. But I am learning and I've come a long way.
My son has had really vivid bad dreams as long as I can remember...and has woke up many times scared b/c of his dreams. As soon as he could talk I taught him a prayer to keep the bad dreams away.
Isn't it true that we learn from lifes experiences? Other than feeling like my dad didn't love us b/c of what my mom said to me/us (and I didn't even really realize that until recently)....I don't remember their seperation or divorce having me in counseling. I've never experienced this before. But I am learning and I've come a long way.
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Jess you don't have to explain to or for me. Kids in these situations, suffering the consequences is a real hot button for me, in case you hadn't noticed.
For me only, no matter what life dealt me, my kids and their mental well being always always always came before anything else.
I read your reasoning and I comprehend it, but for me only, there is no excuse. It's not a put down of you or how you parent your kids, it's simply the way I feel.
Kids are our future, they deserve to not hop on the roller coaster ride. We create them and give them life out of love and IMVHO, their care should be first and above ourselves and others.
As I said, I'm glad he's going now and hopefully you will get your other child into therapy or counselling also.
For me only, no matter what life dealt me, my kids and their mental well being always always always came before anything else.
I read your reasoning and I comprehend it, but for me only, there is no excuse. It's not a put down of you or how you parent your kids, it's simply the way I feel.
Kids are our future, they deserve to not hop on the roller coaster ride. We create them and give them life out of love and IMVHO, their care should be first and above ourselves and others.
As I said, I'm glad he's going now and hopefully you will get your other child into therapy or counselling also.
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I realize NOW that AH's drinking had a big affect on my children.
I realize NOW that MY behaviour had a big affect on my children.
Ah and I STILL have a big affect on their lives
and I believe that their upbringing will FOREVER affect them.
Jessica - I have talked to you breifly about how BOTH of your behaviours may be affecting your children - you know how I feel.
I'm glad to know that you are going to get your son some counseling. I believe that will be a great thing.
And for the record, I do understand what you mean about you needing to be ready and needing to come out of the fog. Whenone lives in denial, that denial is not always just denial about the ah's behaviour, its often times about denial of all things in life.
You've done what you did - you chose to put yourself and your kids through it. Now, you do what you know is better.
Call the counselor - and don't stall on this. It really would be a good thing for your son.
Isn't you daughter only about 4 years old?
I realize NOW that MY behaviour had a big affect on my children.
Ah and I STILL have a big affect on their lives
and I believe that their upbringing will FOREVER affect them.
Jessica - I have talked to you breifly about how BOTH of your behaviours may be affecting your children - you know how I feel.
I'm glad to know that you are going to get your son some counseling. I believe that will be a great thing.
And for the record, I do understand what you mean about you needing to be ready and needing to come out of the fog. Whenone lives in denial, that denial is not always just denial about the ah's behaviour, its often times about denial of all things in life.
You've done what you did - you chose to put yourself and your kids through it. Now, you do what you know is better.
Call the counselor - and don't stall on this. It really would be a good thing for your son.
Isn't you daughter only about 4 years old?
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Jess, I'm sorry to hear about your sister, hope she gets help and stays safe.
I have a son almost the same age as yours. He'll be 10 in a few months. In any event, I always thought I kept them away from the drama and chaos. I was sadly mistaken. Even though I didn't have arguments in front of them, my insides shined through.
I say this over and over, you have to be their voice. Let that guide you and keep you on the right path. No more wishy washy buisness, it's the worst thing possible for them. They want/need stability and you'll have to be the one to give it to them. Never let their dad come into your home only to come and go again. Say NO for them if you can't do it for yourself. Be the voice that they don't have in all of this!
I'm glad he's going to talk to someone and just so you know, it'll take him a while to open up in there. people who work with children realize this and take it real slow, getting to know them at first, etc.
I have a son almost the same age as yours. He'll be 10 in a few months. In any event, I always thought I kept them away from the drama and chaos. I was sadly mistaken. Even though I didn't have arguments in front of them, my insides shined through.
I say this over and over, you have to be their voice. Let that guide you and keep you on the right path. No more wishy washy buisness, it's the worst thing possible for them. They want/need stability and you'll have to be the one to give it to them. Never let their dad come into your home only to come and go again. Say NO for them if you can't do it for yourself. Be the voice that they don't have in all of this!
I'm glad he's going to talk to someone and just so you know, it'll take him a while to open up in there. people who work with children realize this and take it real slow, getting to know them at first, etc.
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We all do the best we can for our children as soon as we know how. I regret not doing something sooner, and I regret not doing the best I could all along. My parents NEVER did the best for me, and my mom still doesn't have a clue. My children are forever scarred from what they have seen and lived with, but I am doing what I can to make it right. Please don't criticize me for not doing it sooner, because I criticize myself too much already. Please just encourage me and be grateful that I did take action, better late than never. My parents never did, and look what I mess I turned out to be..................
L
L
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Thank you guys. It is hard. I hate seeing the disappointment on my kids face when they think something is going to happen and it doesn't. I don't like to see them cry when they get disappointed or when they miss their dad. I know how much that hurts and it hurts me to see them feel this (my son is mostly going through this)....makes me want to wring someones neck!!!!!!!! I MYSELF get frustrated when I feel like I'm letting them down...imagine my frustration when someone else does it.
I'm looking at me and what makes me happy...I know in turn that if I am happy things will be better for my kids. G (and the drama around him) does not do that. I am guilty though of still "secretly" getting my hopes up looking forward to things he says he's going to do and I still feel suttle disappointment when he doesn't follow through, BUT I prepare myself ahead of time knowing he won't follow through. (Ex....he told me he'd come over this weekend and we'd go to Kings Island b/c our son has been asking him - G didn't show). So my alternate plans....we're going to the stadium to watch my neice cheer lead and we're "maybe" going to a sober party tonight. Tomorrow, me and the kids will go to Kings Island.
I'm happy, for the first time in a long time I'm happy. I'm making choices I want to make and I'm not constantly thinking about "Why G's doing this" or "Why G's doing this" or "Why hasn't he called...I need to call him". I'm not going to let myself get sucked into the craziness of "convincing" G he's doing the wrong things...b/c i said so. I could go to him and yell and show him how disappointed the kids are...guilt him to do the right thing, but what will that do?? Drama? Hurt me? Make him feel worse (if he feels bad anyway)? Drag my kids into more crap? What's the point? There is none....b/c I already know if I do that, nothing will change.
I'm leaving G to his own self pity and me and the kids are having a wonderful weekend!!!!!!
I'm looking at me and what makes me happy...I know in turn that if I am happy things will be better for my kids. G (and the drama around him) does not do that. I am guilty though of still "secretly" getting my hopes up looking forward to things he says he's going to do and I still feel suttle disappointment when he doesn't follow through, BUT I prepare myself ahead of time knowing he won't follow through. (Ex....he told me he'd come over this weekend and we'd go to Kings Island b/c our son has been asking him - G didn't show). So my alternate plans....we're going to the stadium to watch my neice cheer lead and we're "maybe" going to a sober party tonight. Tomorrow, me and the kids will go to Kings Island.
I'm happy, for the first time in a long time I'm happy. I'm making choices I want to make and I'm not constantly thinking about "Why G's doing this" or "Why G's doing this" or "Why hasn't he called...I need to call him". I'm not going to let myself get sucked into the craziness of "convincing" G he's doing the wrong things...b/c i said so. I could go to him and yell and show him how disappointed the kids are...guilt him to do the right thing, but what will that do?? Drama? Hurt me? Make him feel worse (if he feels bad anyway)? Drag my kids into more crap? What's the point? There is none....b/c I already know if I do that, nothing will change.
I'm leaving G to his own self pity and me and the kids are having a wonderful weekend!!!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2004
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J - glad to hear from you. So sorry to hear about your sister. J - sounds like you are really learning to live one day at a time. All I can say is keep on keeping on. Take care of your yourself and taking care of your little ones will follow, which it sounds like that is what is happening.
You and your kiddos deserve a happy life. God wants us to be happy - and it appears you are finally realizing AH can't make you happy - that is between you and God.
Take care!
You and your kiddos deserve a happy life. God wants us to be happy - and it appears you are finally realizing AH can't make you happy - that is between you and God.
Take care!
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Jess-
You're very different from the person that started here - as, I daresay, we all are. You are making the choices *now* so your family can get back on track and I give you all the props in the world for grabbing your brass balls and handling your business!!
You go girl!!!
You're very different from the person that started here - as, I daresay, we all are. You are making the choices *now* so your family can get back on track and I give you all the props in the world for grabbing your brass balls and handling your business!!
You go girl!!!
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Jess -
You are doing the right thing for your son now. I'm sure you have beaten yourself up enough for not doing it sooner. Don't let anyone else beat you up and try to make you feel worse than you already do. Just keep doing the next right thing and you will all be OK.
Hugs, Jo
Judy - nice going. A pat on the back and a kick in the ass at the same time!
You are doing the right thing for your son now. I'm sure you have beaten yourself up enough for not doing it sooner. Don't let anyone else beat you up and try to make you feel worse than you already do. Just keep doing the next right thing and you will all be OK.
Hugs, Jo
Judy - nice going. A pat on the back and a kick in the ass at the same time!
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