deax

I don't know. I feel like I'm regressing instead of making progress. I haven't been able t make it to Al Anon in a few weeks because of work and being out of town, I went Monday night for the first time in a while, but honestly Al Anon doesn't do all that much for me except remind me of how rare the success stories are. I'm having more trouble in therapy. Realizing all the things about me that attract me to him- trying to conquer feelings or patterns that were problematic in childhood, getting back the energy you put out there, all that. She wants me to start meditating (the kind of thing I find hokey) and journaling. I started writing and became hytserical last night... just writing out my feelings and writing letters to him, and to God, I was cryng. She says I haven't started healing because I haven't really let go. Problem is, I need to ask God not to help me let go, but to help me WANT to let go. To help me realize why I don't want to, when I have no good reason to hold on right now. "If it's meant to be yours the universe will send it back to you." If I let go of him, will he let go of me? And I feel terrified, and I don't know of what. I need to detach from him, I need to detach emotionally from my mother, I need to learn to need less validation from others in general, to relinquish control. And I guess change is scary because we don't know any other way... but I feel scared.

Sometimes I feel like I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. Like today, I just don't feel right. I am exhausted all the time, I feel achey and like I could cry at any given moment, which I do. My therapist suggested Zoloft- and I find it ironic that he just started taking Zoloft and now it's been recommended for me. I never wanted to be someone who needed any drugs, but lately I just feel so bad that I'm considering it.

Finally my therapist, who I really like, upset me yesterday because she seemed for a minute like just another person who doesn't get it. She was asking why I can't let go of him, of someone who was so bad to me and unfaithful. But he was NOT unfaithful to me... She said, when you came in here you were freaking out about possibly having AIDS because he cheated. And I had to point out to her that that was all in my imagination- me thinking up things he could have done, me obsessing over diseases which I always do, my Catholic guilt relating to sex. But he says, and I believe, that he never actually did cheat on me, he isolated and he would swear it on a stack on Bibles, and the fact that she though he did makes me angry. She doesn't understand the kind of person he is, and the kind of person I AM. That's not the kind of relationship we had, I would never accept that. She has me all wrong and now next tme I feel like I have clarifying to do.

Also things are tense in the family, I need to learn not to rely on my mom so much since sometimes due to her own issues, my reliance on her does me more harm than good in the long run. My friends are great but I just feel like no one really understands what I'm feeling and going through. So not having my mom in the same capacity, and not having R as my escape, has left me feeling like I'm going it alone. Which is what I need to do, but which I'm not used to.

I dunno, right now I just don't even understand what's happening to me. I feel sort of lost and just so tired and sick of being unhappy. I could make this feeling go away in 30 seconds by picking up the phone and calling him- but I know I would be shooting myself in the foot. I do not want a year to go by and for me to be nothing more than a year older. I'm trying to do everything right and work on me but honestly, lately I feel like I'm going backwards or something. I felt like for a while there, I was doing better. Not anymore.

Also, I'm feeling especially sentimental about R lately, I feel more sorry for him than angry, and now I'm worrying that if he's on the Zoloft but still using, could something really bad happen to him? It's only because of me that he's even on the Zoloft-- I pushed for the therapy and he ended up with a psychiatrist appt. I know from another member here that coke and Zoloft don't conflict too badly, but if he's using he could die at any minute anyway, and I keep having visions of his funeral. When I try and meditate I see terrible things, including ideas about him dying. I hate not knowing what he's doing, feeling, thinking. This is hard on me. I'm trying to trust in God and I know that no matter how bad I feel, things will work out the way He wants them to anyway, so why waste time being miserable. But knowing that doesn't make me feel any different... I feel crazy or something.

Then I feel like, if the miracle happens and he does recover, and I still want to be with him- we STILL have all these problems... (is there still somthing wrong with me for wanting him, he can't read, has no money, etc)... I even feel fear about getting the thing I think I want!

Has this happened to anyone? Feelings of regression while in the midst of trying to do the right thing? Or once you start doing the right thing for yourself, is every day supposed to get a little better and easier? I don't even know if anything I said makes any sense, but if it does, how do you get through this part? Sometimes I feel stupid posting, or talking at meetings, because my boat isn't as bad as some other people- I don't have kids, we weren't married, only together a year, he was never bad to me, I never saw him drunk or high. But still this relationship was a stressor, and it's now kicking up all this other **** that I also have to deal with. I guess I feel overloaded and my depression is getting deeper lately. Just a product of therapy more than to do with him?

Just wondering if anyone else ever felt like they were losing it. This is how stupidly self-pityng I feel ---->

Jazzman

Not surprised at all. Sometimes we learn to stuff all these feelings and where does that get us?

ASpouse

deax, you are starting the very painful start of recovery and therapy. Keep going, keep digging, keep peeling off the layers of protection you have built up around yourself.

You are feeling what is normal during the beginning of this process. If you run away now (and I hope you don't) you will take a major step backwards.

Come here and share ...... we all understand. Do something nice for yourself to give yourself a lift. A favorite food, a favorite song, anything. But make it nice for yourself. Be patient with yourself, for this can only get better, not worse.

elizabeth1979

Oh Deax,

I think I can relate a little.
Therapy is painful, it hurts.
Everything you said sounds like it is working and doing exactly what it should be doing to help you.

Justifying, minimizing, retracting statements, living with guilt, grieving a loss, these are all things that happened when I started looking at myself and the effect the alcoholism was having on me.

I know its so hard, but its so worth it.
Can you do something nice for yourself today?

Live

Something I read last night.....sometimes when it feels like we are going backwards......we are stepping back to get a running jump. I don't know if it applies, but it gave me some comfort....as I have and never do feel like I am making linear progress.

pmaslan

All good feeling you are having right now...I know they don't
feel comfortable or good but in the big scheme of things they
are what you need to be feeling.
I know when I first started therapy, I began feeling exactly the
way you do now. I quit and guess what I go worse, stayed the same...
I ended up going back to therapy two more times before I got it.
It really is a matter of walking (crawling for me) through the
pain in order to get to the other side. Don't give up, you
will get there....

Cynay

Lord your post makes me what to hold you and cry right along with you.

Your not crazy, what your feeling and thinking is not crazy either.

YES ... I have been right where you are. This was a long time ago and Im not sure what has happened in your past that you are going to have to deal with.... but it sounds alot like what I went through about 12 years ago.

For me I grew up in a very abusive home, then on to abusive relationships... rapes, and alot of emotion that a young teen just has a hard time dealing with. In my late 20s I agreed to give my husband a child... when she was born is when I broke and realized I could not raise a functional child while I was so dysfunctional.... SO

Again I went to therapy and found a wonderful man to walk me through it. I had to start all over raising my inner child. I thought I was going to go mad, I would obsess over whatever was closest to me because I could not stand to look at myself and relive what had happened. This went on for more then a year hon... there were points in theraphy that I just wanted to end it, but of course I had a beautiful baby in my arms and could not do that. My therapist had me hating him more then once .. mostly because of his honesty and my self hate..... All I can suggest is to keep going hon.

You are justifying his unacceptable behavior IMHO. You keep saying that no one understands the relationship/him or you.... that is simply not true hon, go back to Al-anon even if you dont think it is helping. Maybe you just dont want to see right now and that is ok too... but dont for one moment think you are alone in this or that what your hearing is not helping.

Keep busy, keep a support group around you always, even if you dont want too, keep going to therapy and working through it. Usually when I feel Im going backwards its because Im responding to the past and not the present... that is ok, sounds like you have some past that needs to be responded too.

The truth remains that you are willing to accept the unacceptable.... why. You can surgar coat the man all you want... just dont contact him. It does not matter that you think others have it harder then you do.... this is about YOU and you are hurting and having a hard time.... keep it about you only hon.

My prayers are with you and even though the ride hurts like the devil right now I can promise you that if you stay on the ride your on.... working only on you and not him or a relationship you will come through this SO much happier then you have ever been in your life....

Then you can look back and realize it was a bad nightmare and that you have come out of it.

denny57

(((((deax)))))

You are feeling all the "right" emotions for growth and change. It hurts like hell; I can only offer you the hope that on the other side of this you will feel better. My therapist learned very quickly not to use the word divorce with me for the first month or two. I could NOT handle that word. First, I was terrified of getting one, then I was terrified I'd want one. I was just plain old terrified.

Change is extremely difficult. Looking at and discovering who I am and why I do what I do and behave the way I do has been a not altogether pleasant experience at times - and that is putting it lightly.

Keep posting. Go to those meetings even if you hate them. Journal and meditate even if you think it's hokey. Do contrary actions. This was advice I got along the way and it made all the difference.

Hang in there. We're here for you.

eire rose

Hi Deax,

You are just starting your recovery, therapy etc.. it takes time.

But know that even though you feel that you are not making progress, you really are, you just don't see or feel it YET. You are in a dark place right now and it won't always be like this.

When I feel the pain of losing my exabf and that can be often, I am in some small way letting go of something, even if I am not sure what that is. My therapist helped me understand it in the way of a spiral, when I am coming around a bend or curve, it feels like I am in the same place, but really I am not, I am just revisiting the feelings, and I am glad to do this, then I know I am not anywhere near ready for another relationship, and I am still grieving.

There is so much pain and loss with loving and addict, but once we get through it, there will be joy , freedom and strength.

You don't have to let it go, I haven't but I try to remeber what I am holding onto (not showing up, lies, abuse etc..), You will let it go when its time and its really early to be worrying about that.

I try to accept that I am in the process, its painful, and I am healing everyday.

Take care, Rose

LaTeeDa

I can so relate to this. I am a problem solver. When life throws problems at me, I research them, figure out what the best action is, and take it. That's how I've always operated. That's how I wanted to operate when I discovered I had the 'problem' of an alcoholic in my life. Find the answer, take the action, problem solved.

I resisted the idea that there was no quick fix, that it all takes time. I get it. I understand all this stuff, intellectually, so the problem is no longer a problem, right? Emotionally, there is no quick fix. You have to feel the feelings, good and bad, in order to come to some sort of peace. For me, I've always had really high highs and really low lows. On a graph it would look like a 8.0 earthquake. What I'm shooting for is more of a gentle breeze across the lake. smoother waves between the highs and the lows.

I cried my eyes out so many times when I was journaling. Those feelings have to go somewhere, it's best to let them out. After a while, I felt relieved. Like a valve had opened and let some pressure out. Now, when it starts to build, I can let it out before it gets explosive.

It may not feel like you are making progress, but you are. Believe me, you are.

L

Minx1969

Deax -

One of the things I learned to do was to NOT deal with the pain all the time because it was overwhelming...

so I learned to put in in a box - and take it out bits at a time.

Here's the thing..the only way to get rid of the pain is to go through it..a little bit at a time..

I had a lot of healing to do from my childhood as well...lots of physical and emotional abuse...I guess I'm lucky because I started my therapy in my late teens and have continued on and off for years...

also started the Alanon part - 2 years ago..

keep going to the meetings..I know they don't feel comfortable but I always here something I need to hear...

besides - it's a room full of people who really do "get" you..

GingerM

Lots of good comments here. Yes, the beginning stages of the healing process hurt like crazy. All I wanted was for the hurt to stop. Think of it like breaking a bone - when you first break it, it hurts like mad! Then, a while later, it's healed a bit, and it doesn't hurt so much. A while later after that, you have forgotten that it was even supposed to hurt. You're in the 'just broke it' stage, and it does hurt.

My childhood left me with really bad coping skills and completely toxic self-loathing. I was constantly anxious. I never wanted to be on drugs either. After years of therapy, I was finally put on anti-anxiety meds. Y'know what? When I went on the meds, the emotional chaos died down just enough that I could really start to process the stuff that was making me anxious in the first place.

The drugs are an aide in my recovery for me. I don't want to be on them the rest of my life, nor do I think that I will be. But since I've been on those drugs, I have reframed, relearned and relaxed enough that my life isn't nearly as out-of-control feeling as it was before. The little bumps of life no longer feel like huge problems. Therapy often works better with the aide of medication to get you to a more reasonable frame of mind to begin with. People in a panic can not think rationally. Make the panic go away and then you can start seeing clearly again.

I used to be against the use of drugs for myself. I now don't want to go off of them until I've gotten everything sorted out inside my own head to where I have functional coping mechanisms. It's a quality of life issue for me.

deax

Thanks, everyone. Really....Knowing others can relate to these weird things I can't even articulate very well is so helpful.

Cynay, I know it sounds like I'm sugarcoating, but I still don't think he was as awful as people make him out to be. He never hurt me directly or purposely. He just lied to maintain his addiction, is how I see it. And like Rose said, stuff like not showing up on occasion and being unreliable. But there was no outright abuse... that's what I meant. The stuff he did was f'd up, enough that I needed to take action to end it, but not 'abusive' in that sense either. Anyway, thanks for sharing some of your story with me... I have a lot of respect for you.

LTD- I'm the same. I thought I could intellecualize and problem-solve right through this situation too. And I hate when there's no quick-fix, I'm a very instant gratification kind of person when it comes to my emotional needs. It's why I made him suffer through all my endless lectures and arguments, and why I never let things go with people in general. I will fight to the death... So everything I'm doing is outisde my comfort zone these days. I have the high highs and the low lows too- and unfortunately all of my highest highs in the last year were with him.

Journaling I resisted because I felt like I knew what I felt... had no need to clarify my feelings. But after the floodgates opened last night, maybe I was wrong and it does have some purpose.

Thing about my issues are-- I never suffered any terrible abuse as a kid and I had a good family (despite everyones own issues...). But I think I did have some feeelings of wothlessness or not deserving to be happy. So that's what I'm working through, but nothing super tragic. I see how R maintained my sense of not being valuable enough- constantly putting me in a position to question how much I am valued and loved.

Thank you guys. Very much, all of you.

Cynay

I dont mean surgarcoat it in a bad way hon.... this is how it works for me.

When my ex-abf and I split I was not willing or ready to see it/him all for what it really was.... so I surgarcoated it. Yes his actions were unacceptable, that is all I would deal with, then later when I could handle more I would pick it apart more (also my part in it) and see that it was not just his unacceptable acounts but also his history of treating others unacceptable.... then I would leave the rest till I was ready.

See what I mean??? Just like Minx said. You dont have to do it all at once.

I now dont think badly of my ex-abf, I have alot of compassion what what he is going through and who he is... its very sad and he has alot to work through.

Im doing the same today with the ending of my relationship with Mr. R... as time goes on I will see a whole picture but as for today I love him and I will not make him out to be horrible.... Im just starting with what he did last to me is unacceptable behavior..... when Im ready I will open more doors.

ASpouse

LTD ...... are we twin sisters?

BigSis

Try a different meeting? Different personalities can really color a meeting... and if I really want to find a little hope - I sometimes pick up an open AA meeting. Hearing an addict or alcoholic say they are GRATEFUL for the one who said "no" and meant it... that helps me.


No more hokey than anything else... I mean, who would imagine that WRITING about stuff could make someone hysterical? But it sure can... it is just another way to tap into the truth I can SOOOo easily cover back up again.


I found praying to be "willing" one of the hardest prayers ever..... mainly because some part of me recognized that was where the road block was. If I got out of the way, I had to trust there was "something" or "someone" there who was catching.

There was.


I guess I would bring this up with her, but would probably want to remember that her perception is clear and objective... while mine is not.


This is where Alanon helped me - and not just my "home group", but going to LOTs and LOTs of meetings in different areas.... the more I went, the greater the odds I would hear what I needed to hear... from folks who DO know.


Man, I wish I had this quote around, so when folks ask me "why do YOU need a program... you're not the addict", they could read this.


For me, recovery was only the BEGINNING of my trip of self-discovery... OMG. I was amazed at how big was MY part in our sick, sick relationship - and not just my relationship that got me into Alanon, but also the other relationships in my life. Many of my character attributes played HEAVILY into those relationships! Do you know how many friends turned out to be active addicts? More than I ever imagined... I was allowing all sorts of sick people into my life. In fact, I think in some ways, I sought them out. Recovery helped me see that.


I think you are right on track... feeling a little worse as your awareness broadens. Just know that you don't have to do ANYTHING today. Just little bits. little itty bitty steps... at a time.

(((deax)))

LaTeeDa

Twin codies, separated at birth! LOL

deax

Thank you, Big Sis.