Missy

Plans changed. AH didnt go to work today. I called Bro to cancel. His parents are his decission not mine as his drinking. I work for the USPS and he said he is sending over the inspectors get me for cheating on him . HUH?

MINNIE: I read your posts from when you started. You are a WOW woman.
It sure seemed to be that your XAH was on the right track and I was being convinced until I read your replies.
Obviously none of that worked. My AH would never get that far to admit what your XAH did if he meant it or not.
I'm seeing so much clearer now than I ever have. Pretty much in a whirlwind and have to focus on my work which is a good thing. Too bad when you job is your safe spot hey?
karen xo

Ayers1995

I am late getting to this post for some reason. I think just being tied up in my own world of things.. but I am glad that I found it.

I felt alone too when I no longer desired my husband to touch me. Especially drinking - smelling of 101 and grunting like a nasty ole man. Wow.. how could that NOT turn me on, right? I always said no.no. no and he always bugged me all throughout the night.... I was exhausted.

If you don't make a boundary NOW - One that you are comfortable with, that you stick too... it's going to get worse. I have a real problem now being with him (even if he's sober) sexually because I feel like I am betraying myself. How can I feel this way...?? This is my husband?? I cry when it's over..... it's awful.

You are sooo not alone. YOU are normal, what you are experiencing w/your AH is unfortunately something alot of us have faced or are facing. Make your boundary sweetie.... don't let him make you feel bad because of it. You've been given alot of good advice here... Good luck. Thanks for the thread.

Missy

I actually tear reading this because now I know I am not the "crazy lady" I'm starting to feel and was on the edge of actually believeing the lies of my AH.

He soooo believes himself. One of you wrote me "you have compassion for the alcholic but HATE the disease" and I guess that is what I have to react to and if he believes me or not... let him know that.
karen xo

minnie

Karen, hon, thank you for saying that I am a "Wow" woman, but you know, I am no different than those who have gone before me. I learnt from them and you can too. All it takes is that first baby step to get the action going.

And yes, he was pretty convincing. And what he posted on here was not half of it. The stories I could tell.....

Missy

If you would have stayed home when I was in London.... your stories could have been told.
Way too many pubs in UK. No place to sit either. they are all stand up bars so the booze goes right to the feet....Good thing they close early... My AH walked all over looking for a pub open past 7pm. Really got nasty about it.

meli2005

Yes, agree with poster, boundaries need to be set. You shouldn't have to have sex if you don't want it regardless of him being drunk or not. I'm sorry you are going thru this. Have you tried sleeping in another room from him? and locking the door...

LaTeeDa

I've been thinking about this and I just have to say that for me the difference is making love vs. sex. For the two years prior to our separation, I had sex with my husband maybe 3 or 4 times. I was repulsed by his smell, his physical appearance/deterioration, but mostly it was his attitude toward me. This was a major dysfunction in our marriage. I wanted to be made love to, not f***ed. I wanted to be cherished. This was not possible when he was lost to the alcohol. Even when he was sober, I did not feel cherished. And it made me angry. My anger made him feel unloved and unlovable, which only added to his self-loathing. We perpetuated each other's pain.

Now that we are both recovering, it is something that needs to be repaired. A lot of damage was done and intimacy does not just magically reappear once the demons are at bay. There are awkward moments, and miscommunications, but we are trying and it is good. I don't think intimacy is possible without honest communication, and you cannot have honest communication with an active addict. Making love is an emotional, physical, and spiritual connection with another human being. At least that's how it should be. I don't ever want to settle for less than that again.

I guess what I am trying to get at, in my very wordy way, is that this is just one more example of accepting the unacceptable. At least for me, it was.

L

guyinNC

It not just you ladies that feel that way......

The last year my wife and I were together, I found myself pushing her away. As her drinking increased, so it seemed did her sex drive. Great thing for I guy you would think, not so. Not if he loved her. She had gone off the pill, and did not want me to use other forms of birth control. I was terrified of getting her pregnant.....fetal alcohol syndrome. Plus I could feel, see her getting thinner, and thinner. She was a beautiful woman and to see her slowly deteriorating broke my heart. She was always a small woman, normal weight 115lbs, but she got down to as low as 103lbs. Her arms were so thin, her legs like toothpicks......and I could not help her. And the smell of wine coming through her skin. Sometimes....I would cry in the dark.

fixyou

yep just wait around long enough it will cease to be a problem. You see through the years of drinking, things down under cease to function.

Missy

Not much to say. Just that I'm always amazed at how normal our adnormals are living with A's.. They all do the same dance dont they?

We need our recovery not to get sucked up into their world. Easier said than done.
karen xo

lostnotfound

Karen, as you know now...you are not alone inthis. I too, thought I must be a horrible wife, as the thought of sex with AH has been repulsive to me for a while. I felt guilty, but just could not enjoy it with him belching his beer breath on me ( because he had to run out and chug one before hand), not to mention the "skills" just weren't there. Our sex life has been next to nil for the last couple years because I don't want it unless he's sober, and he rarely is in the evenings.