elizabeth1979

D keeps calling me from a hotel (he says). I keep answering the phone.
He is drunk.
He says he wants to go to rehab. Again.
He says he has no money...but he had to pay for the booze somehow.
He says he hasnt eaten in days....of course...because he is choosing to drink with the money he supposedly does not have.
Has to check out of this hotel and will be homeless. Emotional manipulation at its finest.
He says he wants me. I told him that as per our previous conversations, I would not be with him at this time, its unhealthy for me.

Im getting angry. I called a rehab and got cost, info, program details. All things that are not my business to do. Do I call him back with the phone number of the center (toll free) and give that responsibility back to him? Or do I simply call him back adn tell him I cant be a part of this and Retreat to my original boundry which was no contact?

I can see the manipulation and see the sickness on both ends of this. Why do I feel conflicted still?

equus

If it was me....

I'd pass the number on and with that make it clear that it's them he needs to get help from not me, taht I will NOT help because it would distract from professional help which he needs, that I will NOT do more than say I have neither the skills nor time to offer the help needed - THEY DO.

Then depending....

I'd either be a broken record to anythinmg else said - repeating the same message (maybe altering words but NOT content) or hang up! It would probably depend on whether I wanted to maintain ANY kind of contact in the future which of the above I chose.

But that's taking into account you've already done the leg work which suggests to me you feel better for him to have the number.

notsleepingwell

Ahhhhh, honey...
You're human....that's why!!! And you still have feelings. I think if you cut off contact...he would find his own way!! You know he would. They are pretty resilient these addicts. When I left my daughter in May, I thought she would be dead in a few days....so now she is homeless, jobless, but still alive...much to my surprise. And actually not even homeless, I had her listed as a missing person, the police found her living in a drug house, lying on a dirty mattress in the back, with her boyfriend. Sooooo, somehow they survive, even while we feel our worlds are crashing down...they are somewhat oblivious to our pain.
IMHO....leave him alone....he'll find rehab if he truly wants it. But take care of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



P.S. If you found the #....couldn't he??

deax

I thought the rule was that we were always supposed to sick to our original boundary, which if disrespected is supposed to be met with consequences... that's what everyone always tells me, anyway.

megamysterioso

Oh Sarah-- sorry you're going through all this. If it were me, I'd call him, give him the numbers, turn over that responsibility to him one LAST time and then reinforce my no contact rule and stick to it with every fiber of my being. This is not healthy for you.

denny57

I can see both sides of this, but my experience would lead me to not call back. I understand wanting to help, but am I wrong - you've been down this path before? I did not get well until I wanted it badly for myself and took those first steps myself. Everyone who said they'd be there to support me on the other side was there.

(((())))

elizabeth1979

I know. It really is not.

robina

Take a deep breath, do your best to relax.

He is playing you like a violin.

He is pressing all the right buttons, isn't he?

Sorry all I can come up with is cliches, but you need to stand firm now. If you stand firm now, and let him hit bottom, he just might have a chance at surviving. Remember, ennabling kills alcoholics.

Sorry to be blunt - I know what you are feeling, believe me. When my daughter gets into a crisis, I want to drop everything and fix it for her, no matter what the cost to me...bit by bit, I am learning not to ennable, and you will too.

Hugs

pmaslan

I wouldn't take another phone call from him ...period.
No contact means no contact....
His problems as always remain his problem.
You my friend have a wonderful new life ahead of you....
you've cleaned house and already thrown out all the trash...

megamysterioso

Yeah- all of this is manipulation and you know this. Last time I spoke to XAH, I could literally feel my blood pressure rising. I feel that this type of communication is really toxic. It is sometimes easy to get sucked back into the drama if you allow yourself to be. Ultimately, he CAN find help for himself without any of your help if he so desires and chooses. I think you know all that though Sarah.

elizabeth1979

Thank you all. I cant reach my sponsor and Im irked about that. I tried her last night too and no answer, no call back.

The blood pressure rising, the anger, it all happened all over this morning.

I did call him back and gave him the centers number and the admmission counselors name. I asked if wanted the number to call about state funded treatment and he said. No.

This I said almost verbatim.

He started asking why I wouldnt just come see him.
As I am shaking my head, feeling my voice get louder and I just stopped.

I said I would not let his insanity affect my life and his presence was not healthy for me. I said I would be praying for his safety and that I was getting off the phone. I said good-bye and hung up.

megamysterioso

Good and don't answer that phone again b/c I can assure you that he will call back!! That's why my XAH does NOT have my number. If he had it I can guarantee that I'd be going through this same scenerio most every night. Change your number if you must!!!

denny57

(((sarah)))

You do know you've done all you can for now. I understand how much it hurts.*** Be good to yourself this weekend.


*** and also how p'd off you are

elizabeth1979

Thats the problem..I cant change my office number..its not my decision. I have asked my employers and they say no. So, I really do not have any choice in that matter. I did change my cell number and turned off my home number sometime ago though.

megamysterioso

Awwww man!!! I didn't realize he was calling you at work! Good grief! I'm assuming there is no way for you to screen your calls up there? If not, as soon as you hear that voice honey, hang it up. Sounds harsh, but it's not at all since he will be blatently disrespecting you and your boundaries if he continues to call. You've laid it all out for him.

elizabeth1979

Well, I am going to find a meeting ASAP! There is one about 30 mimles away tonight that I am going to...its the next one I can get to. Its not my usual but it will have to do!

This is so insane. The insanity in my beahvior is that I know what not to do. I know how to work my program and stay sane but yet here I am.

Thanks for the supprt everyone

minnie

Do you still have the tape of the TV show? I'd watch it, if I were you.

He didn't even take all the info you had, therefore he can't be as desperate as he seems.

Hang in there, and hang up when he calls. You've done your bit, now it's down to him.

elizabeth1979

Sadly I dont have a tape of the show. I wish I did. I have asked for one from the producers about 5 times...so if anyone has a copy they want to send me, please do!!!!!!!!!

Minx1969

Hey Sarah -

sent you a PM with my phone numbers..feel free to call this Alanon anytime...

If he calls work again, just hang up...

you did all you can do..he's just not ready.

I'm so glad you moved out of state!!

you are doing great..

go to the Hazelden.org website if you need to read some recovery literature online..

or sometimes I listen to an online Alanon speaker tape if I can't get to a meeting..

Jazzman

I wish you peace. Too bad he got your work number, but I'm sure he'll let off at some point.