marriedithink

Hi Everyone,
I haven't written in a couple of weeks I guess. I won't go into alot of gory detail about what's been going on. I just needed to acknowledge my own behavior and hopefully get some feed back on it. Maybe I'm secretly hoping for a little berading as well. Anyway, he's not out of the house, I need more time to be able to afford to file for divorce. I have been working hard on detaching and leaving him alone. I had been doing pretty well until last night. I lost it. I heard from a couple of pretty good sources that he's been doing alot more than drinking. I knew cocaine was an issue for him, although he's never admitted it to me. "Hasn't touched it since we've been together" HA! SO I heard he's tried his hand on more than one occasion at smoking crack. This turned my stomach. Mainly I think my reaction wasn't surprise. This is where my behavior comes in. I felt embarrassed....like a fool....ashamed.....stupid....you name it, I felt it. I didn't care about him. I didn;t care that he did this to himself. My reaction was all about me. I know I shouldn't feel like he did this to me but I do. I yelled at him, I called him names, I told him he has disappointed me in so many ways. Not good. But I was even angrier when I got up this morning, because there he was, acting again like everything is fine.
Sometimes I feel like I should just bide my time, eventually his parole officer will find out what he's doing or he'll get arrested for something and then he'll go back to prison. Then I won't have to worry about getting him out. This sounds mean I know but my streak is coming out and I sometimes think I should just get what I can from him while waiting for the inevitable. Awful right?
He doesn't drink at home, or do anything else at home. Usually he doesn't come home. So at least we're not exposed to it that way. But I know deep down that it's gone too far between us. I'm picking fights with him, maybe in hopes he'll get tired of me and leave. Did I mention I also feel like a coward today? Good thing I see my counselor today. Thanks for letting me rant. Feedback appreciated.

GingerM

This is the first step to disengaging. This is not a bad thing at all. The fact that your reaction was all about YOU means you weren't falling into the "how do I fix him" black hole. Was it pretty? No. Was it graceful? No. Was it dignified? No. But then, usually our first steps in any new endeavor we take on are going to be ugly, ungraceful and undignified (when my husband and I first started riding a tandem bike, I dumped him twice onto rocks).

Have you considered making an anonymous call to his parole officer? Most of them have the ability to make him do a random drug screening. It might be faster than just waiting, and in your shoes, I wouldn't feel guilty about that at all.

marriedithink

[QUOTE=GingerM]This is the first step to disengaging. This is not a bad thing at all. The fact that your reaction was all about YOU means you weren't falling into the "how do I fix him" black hole. Was it pretty? No. Was it graceful? No. Was it dignified? No. But then, usually our first steps in any new endeavor we take on are going to be ugly, ungraceful and undignified

I hadn't looked at it that way, thanks.

As for calling the parole officer......I have thought about it, but I don't think I could ever feel okay about doing that. I would feel like a rat.

megamysterioso

(((Married)))-- that stinks about the crack, but not surprising I guess. I too think that your reaction about YOU is healthy. There is no fixing him and at least you realize this and are questioning your own behaviors rather than his. If all that's postponing your leaving is financial at the moment, then you are well on your way in my opinion. Try not to be too hard on yourself and keep putting one foot forward one day at a time.

notsleepingwell

That's funny that you would feel like that, when the person in the wrong is the one that is totally responsible for any and every consequence of their behavior. Look at it this way, if he wasn't doing anything wrong, then calling the P.O. would matter not in the least.
When I found out my daughter was an active user I called her work and reported her, causing her to be fired...she's a nurse, and I wouldn't have wanted her looking after me while she was high. Do I feel guilty....NO WAY!!! I do feel regret that her behavior caused me to do this, as I hated that she lost her job, yes....I'm devastated over this!!! But it's HER behavior that led to this. Not my being a RAT!!
Anyway, that's my 2 cents....hang in there, and take care of YOU!!!

marriedithink

Maybe making that call is worth thinking about a little more. I would hate for him to hurt someone else while under the influence.

mfisher

My AH is also on parole, we are separtated. I am so glad I am not the only one wishing that he went back to prison.
I too though about calling his parole officer, but then I thought, is this yet another way of me trying to control his destiny, and if he ever found out then again he would blame me.
I have to have faith that he will be left to his own demise, if that is what is ment to be.
BUT do I know how tempting it is.
Now the part of feeling as though your saving someones life is a tricky a one. Maybe that is a topic for a new thread cause I go back and forth on that one.

marriedithink

Sorry that you are in the same position, but it's nice to know someone else knows what it's like. I sometimes wish for that call from his parole officer. It's awful butat least if he was there he wouldn't be hurting himself anymore and there wouldn't be the risk of hurting someone else. Not to mention it would make things alot easier for me.

Rhon15

Just my thoughts. Call. His actions have shown you he cares about him. Save yourself!! If he has tasted crack then watch out. More hell will come your way. I have seen it and it is not pretty. Please be gentle on yourself as we all need to do. I am in the process of leaving my AH also. I have tried to make it hell so he would leave also. All I did was drain myself. I have now learned its all about me. Remember: I did not cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. We will survive. Take care of yourself.