Boundary concerning repeat line crossing.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Boundary concerning repeat line crossing.
Sorry all - I know that I'm having a few posts tonight but I really need some help and clarification with boundaries.
1) I have told Ah that there is no room in my life for alcohol anymore.
AH continues to drink - and I have remained in contact with him though I will not date him, take him back, etc.
The consequence is that I will not even try to save our relationship as long as he's drinking. However, is this really a boundary? Especially considering that even though we aren't back together, I am still in contact with him? Hmm......
2) When Ah gets verbally abusive, I tell him that I will not accept or tolerate him talking to me that way and I end the conversation.
However - is this really a boundary since this has happened repeated times?
(Somehow I believe that your response is going to be that No Contact would be a more healthy boundary)
3) I had told Ah some time back that there were certain things that I felt I really needed and wanted in order for us to even have a chance of getting back together. (You all may recall those old posts of mine)
While I do have my reasons for asking for what I did as they fall under my own emotional needs category - I have to wonder if they are, in a sense, a form of control (as I wonder if all boundaries are) from the veiwpoint of almost saying "I want things "this" way and if you won't do as I want, then I'm not going to do what you want". (Hope that made sense)
So far, I've been standing on the grounds of "I have told you repeatedly what I want and need and why. You have chosen not to give me those things and that is your choice". However, this is where he starts in about how I don't want us back together, blah blah blah. (you know the drill)
Is this not a boundary/consequence? Hmmm.....am I being controlling?
Okay - there are 3. Anyone have any thoughts for me?
1) I have told Ah that there is no room in my life for alcohol anymore.
AH continues to drink - and I have remained in contact with him though I will not date him, take him back, etc.
The consequence is that I will not even try to save our relationship as long as he's drinking. However, is this really a boundary? Especially considering that even though we aren't back together, I am still in contact with him? Hmm......
2) When Ah gets verbally abusive, I tell him that I will not accept or tolerate him talking to me that way and I end the conversation.
However - is this really a boundary since this has happened repeated times?
(Somehow I believe that your response is going to be that No Contact would be a more healthy boundary)
3) I had told Ah some time back that there were certain things that I felt I really needed and wanted in order for us to even have a chance of getting back together. (You all may recall those old posts of mine)
While I do have my reasons for asking for what I did as they fall under my own emotional needs category - I have to wonder if they are, in a sense, a form of control (as I wonder if all boundaries are) from the veiwpoint of almost saying "I want things "this" way and if you won't do as I want, then I'm not going to do what you want". (Hope that made sense)
So far, I've been standing on the grounds of "I have told you repeatedly what I want and need and why. You have chosen not to give me those things and that is your choice". However, this is where he starts in about how I don't want us back together, blah blah blah. (you know the drill)
Is this not a boundary/consequence? Hmmm.....am I being controlling?
Okay - there are 3. Anyone have any thoughts for me?
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
My therapist gave me some good advice about boundaries - she said you can set strong boundaries, but you can also choose to be flexible with your boundaries.
I use my feelings as a barometer - if I start feeling used and victimized, then I know I have not been strong enough with my boundaries.
On the other hand, as long as I am feeling calm, happy, safe and respected, if I can keep a situation positive by being a bit flexible, then sometimes I choose to do that....
How do you feel when he does that stuff?
I use my feelings as a barometer - if I start feeling used and victimized, then I know I have not been strong enough with my boundaries.
On the other hand, as long as I am feeling calm, happy, safe and respected, if I can keep a situation positive by being a bit flexible, then sometimes I choose to do that....
How do you feel when he does that stuff?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Why do you still have so much contact?
I get the feeling that you feel stuck in some kind of limbo, waiting for him to do the things you have asked of him. Hasn't he shown you that he's not going to do these?
Why are you waiting for something that may never happen?
I get the feeling that you feel stuck in some kind of limbo, waiting for him to do the things you have asked of him. Hasn't he shown you that he's not going to do these?
Why are you waiting for something that may never happen?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi SS,
1) Is it really a boundry you ask..
What jumps out about this to me, is this is a consequence for him. Is it designed to make yourself feel safe and sane or designed to control his behavior?
Of course you know this is manipulation. Although I dont believe you are being malitous, I think its your skill set for getting your needs met.
Its proven to be unhealthy and doesnt work in my life, but we are all different.
I ask myself this about my boundries..are they designed for me?
1) Is it really a boundry you ask..
The consequence is that I will not even try to save our relationship as long as he's drinking
"I want things "this" way and if you won't do as I want, then I'm not going to do what you want".
Its proven to be unhealthy and doesnt work in my life, but we are all different.
I ask myself this about my boundries..are they designed for me?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
It sounds like you have set boundaries, and you are defending them. You told him "no being together while you're still with mistress booze" and you are enforcing that. You told him you won't talk to him when he's drunk, and you don't.
It seems like it isn't a problem with setting/defending your boundaries, it sounds like you're doing that. But maybe, just maybe, you need to look at the boundary itself and contemplate whether the boundary needs to be redrawn (eg. 'no contact').
If you put up a chain link fence to keep the riff raff out, and they climb it, nothing says you can't build a second fence with some constantine wire on top of it.
It seems like it isn't a problem with setting/defending your boundaries, it sounds like you're doing that. But maybe, just maybe, you need to look at the boundary itself and contemplate whether the boundary needs to be redrawn (eg. 'no contact').
If you put up a chain link fence to keep the riff raff out, and they climb it, nothing says you can't build a second fence with some constantine wire on top of it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
just a question here, How are YOU supposed to SAVE your marriage? that seems to sound kind of codependent.
boundaries work well - i did a post with that title most recently- it is something you do for you, something that you have control of for you and then you let the rest go.
if you do not want to have a relationship with him w/alcohol and you are not living with him, then it seems you are following through on your boundary. If you want to talk to him, i see nothing wrong with that, just because you set a boundary doesn't mean you have to chop off their head. HOwever, if he thinks he may slide back into your home and leave his alcohol with you--well then- you'll know where you drew the line- no alcohol.
if you told him you will not tolerate his abusive verbage and he starts to go there , seems you have lots of options of exercising your boundary. like "hang up the phone" or say, i am leaving now, because i will not tolerate being verbally abused by you, and if you are not leaving or hanging up, then you are not following through on your boundary.
for me the realization that when i set a boundary which is to protect myself, i may feel VERY uncomfortable about even expressing it, because there is a chance that "what I really want" may not be how things turn out. HOwever, I am fully and steadfastly aware that this boundary is what i absolutely NEED for my health. and therefore, even though the risk of things not turning out the way "i want them" is possible, i have learned to LET IT GO and LET GOD have it, because deep down, that boundary is for the BEST for me.
as for your number 3, i think you are fine, maybe when he starts "quacking" after you maintain your boundary, you can look at him and reply "quack, quack, quack".
boundaries work well - i did a post with that title most recently- it is something you do for you, something that you have control of for you and then you let the rest go.
if you do not want to have a relationship with him w/alcohol and you are not living with him, then it seems you are following through on your boundary. If you want to talk to him, i see nothing wrong with that, just because you set a boundary doesn't mean you have to chop off their head. HOwever, if he thinks he may slide back into your home and leave his alcohol with you--well then- you'll know where you drew the line- no alcohol.
if you told him you will not tolerate his abusive verbage and he starts to go there , seems you have lots of options of exercising your boundary. like "hang up the phone" or say, i am leaving now, because i will not tolerate being verbally abused by you, and if you are not leaving or hanging up, then you are not following through on your boundary.
for me the realization that when i set a boundary which is to protect myself, i may feel VERY uncomfortable about even expressing it, because there is a chance that "what I really want" may not be how things turn out. HOwever, I am fully and steadfastly aware that this boundary is what i absolutely NEED for my health. and therefore, even though the risk of things not turning out the way "i want them" is possible, i have learned to LET IT GO and LET GOD have it, because deep down, that boundary is for the BEST for me.
as for your number 3, i think you are fine, maybe when he starts "quacking" after you maintain your boundary, you can look at him and reply "quack, quack, quack".
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: nor cal
Posts: 113
I found it hard to set boundries with someone who has none or has no respect for mine.
My ex ah wants to be "friends" I had to ask myself??? Is he someone I would be friends with if he wasn't my ex NOOOOOOO
He manipultes, lies, cheats and steals. He hurts innocent people and doesn't care. If he was a stranger on the street I would run like hell.
The only boundries you can set with an active alcoholic is no contact.
Oh and thats just my opinion.
My ex ah wants to be "friends" I had to ask myself??? Is he someone I would be friends with if he wasn't my ex NOOOOOOO
He manipultes, lies, cheats and steals. He hurts innocent people and doesn't care. If he was a stranger on the street I would run like hell.
The only boundries you can set with an active alcoholic is no contact.
Oh and thats just my opinion.
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