My codie roots...
 

I almost put OT in the topic because this is not about my AH, but it really goes to the deeper reasons I found myself married to an alcoholic, so not OT at all.

Brief history--my dad (the A) died when I was twelve. My mom was textbook codependent and still is. She remarried when I was 17, not to an alcoholic, but they have that dynamic going on anyway. She caretakes and he expects it. Also, my mom is in the most extreme denial possible. After my dad died and she remarried, she began constructing her own version of reality where her current husband is the father of her children (me and my siblings) and the "previous" life with my father never existed. She even went so far as to destroy most of our family pictures and momentos. She has been pushing and trying for the last 26 years to get us to buy into this alternate reality. (with no success)

So, now she is attempting to play the guilt card on me again. I moved to a new town in June and have not called her since moving. This is not really so unusual, since I only call her every few months, anyway. She has made it known to my sister and my aunt that "her husband" is hurt that I did not call him on Father's Day. I have never called him on Father's Day, and I seriously doubt he is hurt about it. This is her pouting about my refusal to join her in her fantasy world. For one, Father's Day weekend was the weekend I moved. Like I had time to call and chat. Also, he is NOT my father.

Now she has told my aunt that maybe they won't come visit me for Thanksgiving. This is amusing to me since I posted a thread a while back about how I was actually contemplating asking them not to come for Thanksgiving this year. :bigok:

Anyway, I'm not letting her lame attempt at guilt get to me, unlike how I would have reacted a year ago. But, I am wondering how or if I should handle this. Part of me wants to call her up and lay it all on the line in the form of boundaries. (i.e. If you choose to live in a fantasy, that's your choice, but I will not live there with you) Then there's another side of me that just wants to let it be and see what happens. (I'll admit, this is the evil side of me secretly hoping she will "punish" me by not showing up for Thanksgiving, since I really don't want her to come anyway!) But, I wonder if this is also sick and twisted because then it would be on her and I wouldn't have to take responsibility for my feelings of not wanting her to come.

Thanks for reading my weird, dysfunctional tale. If you have any insights into the situation, I would love to hear them.

L

It looks like your HP is giving you an early gift for Thanksgiving.

I'm not sure a boundary is telling her she lives in a fantasy world. I'd state what I'm comfortable with and leave it at that. The rest really is hers. It might not work for everyone, but when I hear my mother taking the conversation in a way she wants it to go for her own ends, I ask her a question completely unrelated to what we were talking about.

Sounds to me you've been handling your side of it pretty well up until now regarding her husband.

I know what you mean about taking the "easy" way out by her punishing you. I would be tempted myself. In my case if I didn't take the bull by the horns and just state my wants, I'd have someone with a suitcase on my front steps, "forgiving" me.

Families....lol
Since you heard this stuff from you sister and aunt, I wouldn't call her.
I think I would wait for her to call me and complain directly to me.
Otherwise, IMO it is just family drama.
What do you think?

I tend to agree, Patty. She is trying to send guilt to me via third parties. The phone works both ways, right? If she wants to talk to me, she has fingers and can dial.

I'm not going to do anything for now. I'm really not feeling any need or desire to talk to her at this point.

L

(hugs)

I read your post with interest because my deeply dysfunctional mother married her third husband when I was 19 and she expected me to act like he was my father. My mother lives in her own crazy, manipulative reality. Long ago, I forgave her and accepted that I have never had a loving, caring, and giving mother - and I never would!

It's so much easier on me now that I don't expect much from her. When she acts crazy and manipulative, I just stick to my own boundaries and refuse to allow her dysfunction to upset my life.

If its any consolation, many of my female friends have problematic relationships with their mothers. I have managed my own situation by sticking to my boundaries and refusing to allow my mother to play her sick, dysfunctional games.

Her response to this is that she rarely phones me anymore, and instead, torments my brother, who is not so good at setting boundaries.

It sounds like you are getting some clarity on the relationship between you and your Mum. That's great!

I think that is the perfect way to handle it...now don't
you feel better having made a choice?

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. I am going to have to address this at some point, but I think I will wait a little while and see where the chips fall.

L

I remember your Thanksgiving thread very well LTD and I think you deserve that week all to yourself just the way YOU LIKE IT! Maybe this is a present from HP as Denny said. I don't think I would respond to any of this at this point either. If she really needs to hash out her feelings, she can call you and at that time- you can let her in on your feelings if you so choose.

i get that same type of behavior from my MIL and have made a decision that unless i get words from the "horse's mouth" i will do nothing.

i sure hope you get your thanksgiving wish!:c005: