New to this as a girlfriend...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: West Chester, PA
Posts: 4
New to this as a girlfriend...
NOTE: I have put up this identical post in the Newcomers section but was encouraged by Carol to visit this area...
Hi All,
I am looking for advice. Please bear with me as this post is lengthy.
I started dating my True Love (we'll call him JS) in October of 2004. At the time, we were both into the "party" lifestyle. He moved in with me about 2 weeks later. Although he was on parole at that time and all the way up through the end of 2005/beginning of 2006 (after which, he began probationary status to be completed after an additional 5 years), he seemed to have no fear that his PO would send him back to prison, perhaps because JS (and admittedly, I, on a handful of occasions) knew that said PO allowed him to "slide" on quite a few of his urine drug tests. JS has a great attitude and a magnetic personality and EVERYONE loves him. So, even when his PO had already given JS an unreasonable amount of leeway, JS's employer stuck up for JS and persuaded Mr. PO to allow that much more unacceptable behavior.
Meanwhile, JS and I didn't really care as long as he had a job and was not in jail. Finally, JS's PO had to take alternative action; he sent JS to a 28-day rehab facility 1 hr and 45 minutes from home in August of 2005. The day after JS left for rehab, I discovered that I was pregnant. Within a few weeks, I miscarried (maybe from the stress of him being away, maybe not). I was devastated - after having already had 2 abortions during my lifetime, I was totally unwilling to have any more; and still, that particular pregnancy didn't want to come to completion and I suffered alone. Of course, at the time, I didn't realize how very short 28 days truly is. Please note: I had stopped using narcotics about 2 weeks before JS went to rehab and I stopped drinking alcohol the day the pregnancy test showed positive. Beyond that, I had almost completely disposed of my cigarette habit when I became certain that I was no longer supporting a fetus.
Thus, JS was completely removed from all of the initial joy of discovering we would be parents as well as from the agonizing suffering (my miscarriage was painful and drawn out - there was no sudden bloodletting until later when I just passed enormous clots) and heartbreaking finality of no child at all. Naturally, he came home from rehab slightly stressed about the miscarriage (although, not really since he was not exposed to it), but absorbed MY experience as his own as an excuse to resume using. I, too, eventually succumbed to using.
Things became very fragile between us as I felt him pulling away from the relationship and using more frequently. Ever since he had come home from rehab, (by the way, he still had a job with the same employer) he was supposed to have been going to outpatient rehab counseling sessions that his boss drove him to out of a lack of trust that he'd get there on his own. Then, a few days before Thanksgiving, JS and I were informed that his mother and stepfather were getting separated. He fell apart and started using even more (although I had quit completely) and began missing work and not coming home at night because he was hanging out all night with his buddies partying. Just before Christmas, he got fired. His PO found out and demanded that he resume his counseling sessions (which he had begun to blow off) as well as attend AA meetings (where he was required to get a signature as confirmation). From there he spiraled downward: no motivation, no drive, no cares, no respect for me or himself - nothing.
Finally, in the beginning of February 2006, his PO left us a note on the door that JS was expected to report there the following Monday. JS went (thankfully), and was immediately carted off to prison. He was there for 6 months, and was just released last week to a halfway house. He did not seem to be completely serious about sobriety until he got to the halfway house, but now he is almost "brainwashed" (for lack of a better term). He is spewing the lingo (something I am familiar with from an old alcoholic friend who speaks the same "language") and is in this incredibly selfish mode where he says things to me like, "Honey, I am not really worried right now about whether you and I ultimately work out; I just need to worry about being sober today" and "I just don't know if I will want to come home and live there; I may decide to live up here, but right now, it's all about today".
Now don't get me wrong, I am totally in support of his staying sober and I have enough control over myself that if I never drank again, I'd be fine. However, it seems as though these guys and girls get jaded while they are in recovery. Does JS not see that life goes on around his sobriety? That no matter where he goes after the halfway house, there will always be some level of "thinking about the future" involved? I mean, as adults, we have to pay bills and hold down a job, etc, etc, etc....
At this point, my only bad habit is smoking cigarettes. So sobriety will not be an issue for him back here at home. However, when he was still in prison, we had talked about moving away to start over and we were both really excited about the Providence, Rhode Island area. But now it seems as though his only concern is staying sheltered by other addicts and the whole "group effect". Granted, he has only been in the halfway house for a week, but apparently, as my life goes on, his stands still. Moreover, it seems as though he won't even commit to putting any effort back into this relationship for another 11 weeks (when he gets out).
I love him more than anything else in my life (just short of my own well-being), and he still claims to love me. Also, because I have a very intense maternal instinct, I have made a vow to myself and to him (even though lately, it doesn't seem to mean as much as it once did) that I will do everything in my power to help and support him. He just turned 30 and so will I in 2 months and thus far, we have both agreed that we want to start a family with each other, but I am now terrified that I will have waited for 9 months for him to decide that he "can't" be with me.
My big question is this: What can I expect at the end of all this?
Hi All,
I am looking for advice. Please bear with me as this post is lengthy.
I started dating my True Love (we'll call him JS) in October of 2004. At the time, we were both into the "party" lifestyle. He moved in with me about 2 weeks later. Although he was on parole at that time and all the way up through the end of 2005/beginning of 2006 (after which, he began probationary status to be completed after an additional 5 years), he seemed to have no fear that his PO would send him back to prison, perhaps because JS (and admittedly, I, on a handful of occasions) knew that said PO allowed him to "slide" on quite a few of his urine drug tests. JS has a great attitude and a magnetic personality and EVERYONE loves him. So, even when his PO had already given JS an unreasonable amount of leeway, JS's employer stuck up for JS and persuaded Mr. PO to allow that much more unacceptable behavior.
Meanwhile, JS and I didn't really care as long as he had a job and was not in jail. Finally, JS's PO had to take alternative action; he sent JS to a 28-day rehab facility 1 hr and 45 minutes from home in August of 2005. The day after JS left for rehab, I discovered that I was pregnant. Within a few weeks, I miscarried (maybe from the stress of him being away, maybe not). I was devastated - after having already had 2 abortions during my lifetime, I was totally unwilling to have any more; and still, that particular pregnancy didn't want to come to completion and I suffered alone. Of course, at the time, I didn't realize how very short 28 days truly is. Please note: I had stopped using narcotics about 2 weeks before JS went to rehab and I stopped drinking alcohol the day the pregnancy test showed positive. Beyond that, I had almost completely disposed of my cigarette habit when I became certain that I was no longer supporting a fetus.
Thus, JS was completely removed from all of the initial joy of discovering we would be parents as well as from the agonizing suffering (my miscarriage was painful and drawn out - there was no sudden bloodletting until later when I just passed enormous clots) and heartbreaking finality of no child at all. Naturally, he came home from rehab slightly stressed about the miscarriage (although, not really since he was not exposed to it), but absorbed MY experience as his own as an excuse to resume using. I, too, eventually succumbed to using.
Things became very fragile between us as I felt him pulling away from the relationship and using more frequently. Ever since he had come home from rehab, (by the way, he still had a job with the same employer) he was supposed to have been going to outpatient rehab counseling sessions that his boss drove him to out of a lack of trust that he'd get there on his own. Then, a few days before Thanksgiving, JS and I were informed that his mother and stepfather were getting separated. He fell apart and started using even more (although I had quit completely) and began missing work and not coming home at night because he was hanging out all night with his buddies partying. Just before Christmas, he got fired. His PO found out and demanded that he resume his counseling sessions (which he had begun to blow off) as well as attend AA meetings (where he was required to get a signature as confirmation). From there he spiraled downward: no motivation, no drive, no cares, no respect for me or himself - nothing.
Finally, in the beginning of February 2006, his PO left us a note on the door that JS was expected to report there the following Monday. JS went (thankfully), and was immediately carted off to prison. He was there for 6 months, and was just released last week to a halfway house. He did not seem to be completely serious about sobriety until he got to the halfway house, but now he is almost "brainwashed" (for lack of a better term). He is spewing the lingo (something I am familiar with from an old alcoholic friend who speaks the same "language") and is in this incredibly selfish mode where he says things to me like, "Honey, I am not really worried right now about whether you and I ultimately work out; I just need to worry about being sober today" and "I just don't know if I will want to come home and live there; I may decide to live up here, but right now, it's all about today".
Now don't get me wrong, I am totally in support of his staying sober and I have enough control over myself that if I never drank again, I'd be fine. However, it seems as though these guys and girls get jaded while they are in recovery. Does JS not see that life goes on around his sobriety? That no matter where he goes after the halfway house, there will always be some level of "thinking about the future" involved? I mean, as adults, we have to pay bills and hold down a job, etc, etc, etc....
At this point, my only bad habit is smoking cigarettes. So sobriety will not be an issue for him back here at home. However, when he was still in prison, we had talked about moving away to start over and we were both really excited about the Providence, Rhode Island area. But now it seems as though his only concern is staying sheltered by other addicts and the whole "group effect". Granted, he has only been in the halfway house for a week, but apparently, as my life goes on, his stands still. Moreover, it seems as though he won't even commit to putting any effort back into this relationship for another 11 weeks (when he gets out).
I love him more than anything else in my life (just short of my own well-being), and he still claims to love me. Also, because I have a very intense maternal instinct, I have made a vow to myself and to him (even though lately, it doesn't seem to mean as much as it once did) that I will do everything in my power to help and support him. He just turned 30 and so will I in 2 months and thus far, we have both agreed that we want to start a family with each other, but I am now terrified that I will have waited for 9 months for him to decide that he "can't" be with me.
My big question is this: What can I expect at the end of all this?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, libra.
I only have a few seconds before I go to work, so I have only one question at the moment:
Why are you waiting for someone else to make decisions about YOUR life?
Hope you explore around here for a while - the sticky posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one are really helpful.
I only have a few seconds before I go to work, so I have only one question at the moment:
Why are you waiting for someone else to make decisions about YOUR life?
Hope you explore around here for a while - the sticky posts at the top of this forum and the nar-anon one are really helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Libra! Glad you found us.
Minnie posed a very good question that you really should ponder awhile. I'm not being nasty by saying this, but I bet it might take awhile to really understand that question before you even begin to think of how to answer it. For example, if someone would have asked me that question just 2 short years ago, I would have been like....."huh??????? What the heck does that mean? I'm not letting anyone decide my life for me....I'm in control of my life". I was soooo wrong and didn't have a clue! That's ok, we all learn in our own time and space.
Codependent No More is a book by Melody Beattie that I think might be of some interest to you. That book, along with Minnie's question, encourages people to take a look at themselves. See if you see yourself described in that book. Many people have read it here and it has been an eye opener.
Right now, your bf is concentrating on his sobriety. I'm assuming he is attending AA as well. AA is labeled the selfish program, because they must concentrate on their sobriety as the number 1 things in their lives right now. I'm glad to hear that he is taking it so seriously. And that's exactly what he should be doing.
Partners of recovering alcoholics often feel the way you do....kinda left out. That's normal. But maybe that's also a clue that you should pay attention to....learning to fill your own life, and being 'ok' no matter what he is or isn't doing.
I understand your wanting confirmation that the relationship will continue and that this is kind of an unsetteling time for you. Maybe the relationship will work out in time, and maybe it won't. No one can predict the future. The point is to work on you, to learn to better care for yourself so no matter what life throws your way, you will be better equipped to deal with it. The book I mentioned will help you to ask yourself many questions to help you in this process.
Read the stickies at the top and the rest of the posts here. Keep coming back.
Minnie posed a very good question that you really should ponder awhile. I'm not being nasty by saying this, but I bet it might take awhile to really understand that question before you even begin to think of how to answer it. For example, if someone would have asked me that question just 2 short years ago, I would have been like....."huh??????? What the heck does that mean? I'm not letting anyone decide my life for me....I'm in control of my life". I was soooo wrong and didn't have a clue! That's ok, we all learn in our own time and space.
Codependent No More is a book by Melody Beattie that I think might be of some interest to you. That book, along with Minnie's question, encourages people to take a look at themselves. See if you see yourself described in that book. Many people have read it here and it has been an eye opener.
Right now, your bf is concentrating on his sobriety. I'm assuming he is attending AA as well. AA is labeled the selfish program, because they must concentrate on their sobriety as the number 1 things in their lives right now. I'm glad to hear that he is taking it so seriously. And that's exactly what he should be doing.
Partners of recovering alcoholics often feel the way you do....kinda left out. That's normal. But maybe that's also a clue that you should pay attention to....learning to fill your own life, and being 'ok' no matter what he is or isn't doing.
I understand your wanting confirmation that the relationship will continue and that this is kind of an unsetteling time for you. Maybe the relationship will work out in time, and maybe it won't. No one can predict the future. The point is to work on you, to learn to better care for yourself so no matter what life throws your way, you will be better equipped to deal with it. The book I mentioned will help you to ask yourself many questions to help you in this process.
Read the stickies at the top and the rest of the posts here. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by libra1976
Now don't get me wrong, I am totally in support of his staying sober
I think being in total support of someone's sobriety would include accepting whatever they needed to do to stay that way. I cannot control anyone else's path to sobriety, any more than I control other parts of their life.
Beause he is in AA and following a 12-step program, you might want to consider trying Al-Anon for you. Open AA meetings would also help educate you as to what he is doing for his sobriety. You don't have to stay on the outside of the process, but I think it is respectful to listen to what he says he needs at this time and comply with that, hard as it may be.
I also had the love of my life, for 18 years. He continues to drink and we are getting divorced. I'm fine with that now, but what I wouldn't have given a year ago to have him in some kind of recovery.
Take care and keep posting.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome!
It may be a help to you to try and educate yourself about addiction as much as you can. It is really only up to him how he chooses to stay sober. It may seem tough on you, but my personal philosophy is whatever works is fine.
Please know that even the most recovery-minded alcoholics/addicts may have a hard time not using if in old places with people they used to use with, unless they have some solid recovery under the belt (i.e. sober living house, rehab etc).
Is having your way worth a relapse?
It may be a help to you to try and educate yourself about addiction as much as you can. It is really only up to him how he chooses to stay sober. It may seem tough on you, but my personal philosophy is whatever works is fine.
So sobriety will not be an issue for him back here at home
Is having your way worth a relapse?
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
"Honey, I am not really worried right now about whether you and I ultimately work out; I just need to worry about being sober today"
Regardless of what happens between the two of you, please get on with your own business. Make sure and tend to yourself and your own needs. You can love and support him from afar, but I think that giving him the space he needs in his recovery is about the most loving thing you could ever possibly do for him. If it is meant to be, it will be.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome libra1976,
So glad you decided to join us - hope that you will continue your recovery path - it is a wonderful journey of discovery of who you are and what is best for you.
Keep coming back,
Rita
So glad you decided to join us - hope that you will continue your recovery path - it is a wonderful journey of discovery of who you are and what is best for you.
Keep coming back,
Rita
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