I need some advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5
I need some advice
My BF is an alcoholic, I love him dearly but we have quite a rocky relationship.
He lost his sex drive as a result of his alcoholism and as a result we havent been intimate in a long time (about 2 years). When I tried to initiate anything he pushed me away, so I stopped initiating. As a result of this I've become very insecure, lost alot of my confidense and self esteem etc.
My boyfriend also uses porn alot and flirts with other women, but rejects me..you can imagine how this would make you feel insecure?
I feel very insecure. We don't even snog, just the odd peck occasionally, I feel like we're housemates instead of bf & gf in that respect.
I use the internet alot for chatting and stuff, msn etc and I'm good friends with a man who i've known for a couple of years. We've never met, but we used to chat on the phone before I met my boyfriend and got on well.
Lately he's been telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to meet me. I'm flattered and I really like him, but not enough to act upon it because I love my boyfriend, so I would never meet him or talk on the phone with him.
The thing is I love the attention he gives me and the compliments and have found myself flirting back with him, saying how things could have been different etc. I know this is wrong and I feel so guilty even thinking these things, let alone saying them. I feel like I'm betraying my boyfriend and I know he would have huge issues with it if he found out as he doesnt like my friend and knows we where once quite close.
I don't know what to do. I know what I should do, but I like being flirted with and given compliments, it boosts my confidense and makes me feel good, all the things my boyfriend should be saying to me but doesn't.
I want to stay friends with my online friend but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend and even though technically I'm not doing anything too wrong I feel like I am, believe me the flirting is mild as in nothing sexual, no cybering or anything like that, lol
Infact my boyfriend has done alot worse to me...but two wrongs dont make a right do they.
How do I untangle myself from this web I've spun?
He lost his sex drive as a result of his alcoholism and as a result we havent been intimate in a long time (about 2 years). When I tried to initiate anything he pushed me away, so I stopped initiating. As a result of this I've become very insecure, lost alot of my confidense and self esteem etc.
My boyfriend also uses porn alot and flirts with other women, but rejects me..you can imagine how this would make you feel insecure?
I feel very insecure. We don't even snog, just the odd peck occasionally, I feel like we're housemates instead of bf & gf in that respect.
I use the internet alot for chatting and stuff, msn etc and I'm good friends with a man who i've known for a couple of years. We've never met, but we used to chat on the phone before I met my boyfriend and got on well.
Lately he's been telling me how much he likes me and how he wants to meet me. I'm flattered and I really like him, but not enough to act upon it because I love my boyfriend, so I would never meet him or talk on the phone with him.
The thing is I love the attention he gives me and the compliments and have found myself flirting back with him, saying how things could have been different etc. I know this is wrong and I feel so guilty even thinking these things, let alone saying them. I feel like I'm betraying my boyfriend and I know he would have huge issues with it if he found out as he doesnt like my friend and knows we where once quite close.
I don't know what to do. I know what I should do, but I like being flirted with and given compliments, it boosts my confidense and makes me feel good, all the things my boyfriend should be saying to me but doesn't.
I want to stay friends with my online friend but I don't want to hurt my boyfriend and even though technically I'm not doing anything too wrong I feel like I am, believe me the flirting is mild as in nothing sexual, no cybering or anything like that, lol
Infact my boyfriend has done alot worse to me...but two wrongs dont make a right do they.
How do I untangle myself from this web I've spun?
Procrastinator
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 76
Hi P-B and welcome to SR. You want some thoughts.....
First you have to decide if you want to live with an alcoholic. There's too much to go into here, but this is the first thing I would do.
If you do want to stick it out, then you need to be open and honest with him. You don't have to divulge everything but at least have a frank discussion about how his drinking affects you, how the lack of intimacy is bothering you, and how you are feeling unloved and not paid attention to.
If you don't want to stick it out, then you need to make arrangements to end it now before your flirting goes any further. It may be harmless to you, but I'm sure it would rip his heart out.
You don't really go into his drinking problem much.....how do you know he's an alcoholic? How long have you guys been together? xoxo
First you have to decide if you want to live with an alcoholic. There's too much to go into here, but this is the first thing I would do.
If you do want to stick it out, then you need to be open and honest with him. You don't have to divulge everything but at least have a frank discussion about how his drinking affects you, how the lack of intimacy is bothering you, and how you are feeling unloved and not paid attention to.
If you don't want to stick it out, then you need to make arrangements to end it now before your flirting goes any further. It may be harmless to you, but I'm sure it would rip his heart out.
You don't really go into his drinking problem much.....how do you know he's an alcoholic? How long have you guys been together? xoxo
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, and please keep coming back here to post. To begin with, men DO tend to be visual creatures and pornography is a "safe" way to fantasize (possibly masturbate), and not get entangled in a personal manner with the female on the screen. So he's into looking at porno and you're into chatting with another man.
I can see why you would enjoy being complimented and given the attention you desire. The thing is, as the old saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Both of you are participating in diversions that keep you focused somewhere other than on the problems of your relationship. Frankly, it doesn't sound like a relationship at this point, but rather a type of "arrangement."
I've been married to two alcoholics and I can attest to the fact that if you think things are bad now, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Have you ever read any of Melody Beattie's books? I would suggest you pick up a copy of "Codependent No More." She addresses sex (or lack thereof...). Lack of sex reflects the overall "tone" of the relationship. If it's not working outside the bedroom, it isn't going to work in the bedroom either.
You can tell him that his looking at pornography bothers you. If he dismisses your feelings then I assure you he will dismiss feelings you have in other areas too. And who wants that in a relationship?
Perhaps it's time to quit dancing the avoidance dance and sit down at a moment you feel is appropriate and calmly discuss some of the issues from your perspective. If you can focus on how you're feeling and not get into the blame-game, there is a good chance he will listen. You have a problem. You need a solution. See if he is willing to work on a solution with you.
I can see why you would enjoy being complimented and given the attention you desire. The thing is, as the old saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Both of you are participating in diversions that keep you focused somewhere other than on the problems of your relationship. Frankly, it doesn't sound like a relationship at this point, but rather a type of "arrangement."
I've been married to two alcoholics and I can attest to the fact that if you think things are bad now, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Have you ever read any of Melody Beattie's books? I would suggest you pick up a copy of "Codependent No More." She addresses sex (or lack thereof...). Lack of sex reflects the overall "tone" of the relationship. If it's not working outside the bedroom, it isn't going to work in the bedroom either.
You can tell him that his looking at pornography bothers you. If he dismisses your feelings then I assure you he will dismiss feelings you have in other areas too. And who wants that in a relationship?
Perhaps it's time to quit dancing the avoidance dance and sit down at a moment you feel is appropriate and calmly discuss some of the issues from your perspective. If you can focus on how you're feeling and not get into the blame-game, there is a good chance he will listen. You have a problem. You need a solution. See if he is willing to work on a solution with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5
I actually have another accout here, I'm just using this one because my bf knows I come here and knows my other username, this is my emergency one, lol (sorry if this isnt allowed, I wasnt sure?)
I know he's an alcoholic, he's been treated for it, drinks from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep.
I've told him how him neglecting me makes me feel, he said he cant force it and I wouldnt want him to. He flirts online alot and it has caused major problems, he says its harmless and I can do it if I want to, although I know he doesnt really mean that, I know he would go ape.
I just don't know what to do. I really get on well with my friend and I've told him to back off but at the same time I like feeling wanted and feeling like a woman again. And I know that in reality this other man and I wouldnt work at all and nor would I consider the possiility of anything happening.
I've never cheated on anyone in my life, I'm completely loyal and always have been, I just feel so damn lonely.
I'm so confused
I know he's an alcoholic, he's been treated for it, drinks from the minute he wakes up to the minute he goes to sleep.
I've told him how him neglecting me makes me feel, he said he cant force it and I wouldnt want him to. He flirts online alot and it has caused major problems, he says its harmless and I can do it if I want to, although I know he doesnt really mean that, I know he would go ape.
I just don't know what to do. I really get on well with my friend and I've told him to back off but at the same time I like feeling wanted and feeling like a woman again. And I know that in reality this other man and I wouldnt work at all and nor would I consider the possiility of anything happening.
I've never cheated on anyone in my life, I'm completely loyal and always have been, I just feel so damn lonely.
I'm so confused
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi P-B, Welcome
Before answering your question - where do you see your relationship headed with your current BF? Do you see things changing "someday?" Is he addressing his alcohol problem? Are you willing to live like brother and sister for the rest of your lives?
Sorry for all the questions. And yes, I know how insecure it made me feel.
Before answering your question - where do you see your relationship headed with your current BF? Do you see things changing "someday?" Is he addressing his alcohol problem? Are you willing to live like brother and sister for the rest of your lives?
Sorry for all the questions. And yes, I know how insecure it made me feel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5
We've been together 4 years nearly. I know I can't cure him or control it or anything like that, I'm trying hard with detachment, have stopped enabling (I think) although I can be a little controlling when I forget myself.
I don't see anything changing in the forseeable, I have a little hope left that things will but not much. He's booked in to a clinci for next month, but I'm not holding my breath.
I don't want to live like brother and sister at all, but I can't control how he behaves, only how I do.
I feel like I should tell him I've been tempted but I don't want to rock the boat. I'm not good at feeling guilty but would I be doing it just for me, as I don't see how the information would aid him in anyway.
I know this doesn't sound like a major problem and I'm sorry to bother you all with it but its really eating away at me and I've no one I can talk with who doesnt know my BF except my mum is who on holidays, I hate being dishonest and keeping things from him even if he does do it to me.
I don't see anything changing in the forseeable, I have a little hope left that things will but not much. He's booked in to a clinci for next month, but I'm not holding my breath.
I don't want to live like brother and sister at all, but I can't control how he behaves, only how I do.
I feel like I should tell him I've been tempted but I don't want to rock the boat. I'm not good at feeling guilty but would I be doing it just for me, as I don't see how the information would aid him in anyway.
I know this doesn't sound like a major problem and I'm sorry to bother you all with it but its really eating away at me and I've no one I can talk with who doesnt know my BF except my mum is who on holidays, I hate being dishonest and keeping things from him even if he does do it to me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by prodigal
Welcome, and please keep coming back here to post. To begin with, men DO tend to be visual creatures and pornography is a "safe" way to fantasize (possibly masturbate), and not get entangled in a personal manner with the female on the screen. So he's into looking at porno and you're into chatting with another man.
I can see why you would enjoy being complimented and given the attention you desire. The thing is, as the old saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Both of you are participating in diversions that keep you focused somewhere other than on the problems of your relationship. Frankly, it doesn't sound like a relationship at this point, but rather a type of "arrangement."
I've been married to two alcoholics and I can attest to the fact that if you think things are bad now, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Have you ever read any of Melody Beattie's books? I would suggest you pick up a copy of "Codependent No More." She addresses sex (or lack thereof...). Lack of sex reflects the overall "tone" of the relationship. If it's not working outside the bedroom, it isn't going to work in the bedroom either.
You can tell him that his looking at pornography bothers you. If he dismisses your feelings then I assure you he will dismiss feelings you have in other areas too. And who wants that in a relationship?
Perhaps it's time to quit dancing the avoidance dance and sit down at a moment you feel is appropriate and calmly discuss some of the issues from your perspective. If you can focus on how you're feeling and not get into the blame-game, there is a good chance he will listen. You have a problem. You need a solution. See if he is willing to work on a solution with you.
I can see why you would enjoy being complimented and given the attention you desire. The thing is, as the old saying goes, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Both of you are participating in diversions that keep you focused somewhere other than on the problems of your relationship. Frankly, it doesn't sound like a relationship at this point, but rather a type of "arrangement."
I've been married to two alcoholics and I can attest to the fact that if you think things are bad now, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Have you ever read any of Melody Beattie's books? I would suggest you pick up a copy of "Codependent No More." She addresses sex (or lack thereof...). Lack of sex reflects the overall "tone" of the relationship. If it's not working outside the bedroom, it isn't going to work in the bedroom either.
You can tell him that his looking at pornography bothers you. If he dismisses your feelings then I assure you he will dismiss feelings you have in other areas too. And who wants that in a relationship?
Perhaps it's time to quit dancing the avoidance dance and sit down at a moment you feel is appropriate and calmly discuss some of the issues from your perspective. If you can focus on how you're feeling and not get into the blame-game, there is a good chance he will listen. You have a problem. You need a solution. See if he is willing to work on a solution with you.
Even the lack of sex doesnt bother me too much, I've gotten used to it and I'm not bothered one way or another whether we "do it" as I have my own hng ups regarding that area at the moment, lack of self esteem and other things have put me off. It's the intimacy that gets me down, or lack off...he isn't very touchy feely unless he's drunk, but I don't want drunken gestures.
We get on fine most of the time, as friends we're the best of, which is why I feel so bad about having thoughts about this other man.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: north carolina
Posts: 365
as i was reading your post, i was thinking,"that would exactly be me right now,or in another year or so,had i stayed and moved in with my ex. and its not the kind of relationship that brings happiness,security and contentment. only a sort of comfort zone.......if ya can even call it that. actually, i think its more of a comfort zone on his end..................
makes me glad i didnt stay if that is the way it was gonna be, and i know it was.
have you heard of that book, "hes just not into you"........i have not read it yet,but i have read quite a few excerpts,and i felt that way all along with my ex..........and even more so now after the breakup. i want to read it now,to make sure i recognize and act on this situation sooner,if i ever find myself in it again. you see, i believe...especially with A's,that many people just settle.....because they are co-dependent,because they are emotionally needy,maybe financially needy, because they just dont want to be alone......and so they latch on to you, because you are willing,attracted, even in love with them. and meanwhile,because they are just settling (even though they dont admit it)(or even recognize it) they are not giving you their very best, because they just dont really care enough to.
i think that you have to really think about what YOU want out of life,and out of a relationship. and if it is more, that you want and or need, then as disappointing as it is, you will have to move on. and it isnt easy. but,what is the alternative???
as far as your man in cyberspace,u have nothing to feel guilty about. in my opinion anyway. your man at home is not listening to and considering your feelings that im sure you have told him about, and this one is. not to mention,that your man has done his own share of flirting whatever. but,i would certainly not make any decisions based on a potential relationship with this other man. they must be based on YOU,and only you. and if you were to move on, i would purposely NOT move on WITH this new man,in ANY way. you would need time to heal,be on your own, get your own thoughts,wants,desires,and life together. first.
makes me glad i didnt stay if that is the way it was gonna be, and i know it was.
have you heard of that book, "hes just not into you"........i have not read it yet,but i have read quite a few excerpts,and i felt that way all along with my ex..........and even more so now after the breakup. i want to read it now,to make sure i recognize and act on this situation sooner,if i ever find myself in it again. you see, i believe...especially with A's,that many people just settle.....because they are co-dependent,because they are emotionally needy,maybe financially needy, because they just dont want to be alone......and so they latch on to you, because you are willing,attracted, even in love with them. and meanwhile,because they are just settling (even though they dont admit it)(or even recognize it) they are not giving you their very best, because they just dont really care enough to.
i think that you have to really think about what YOU want out of life,and out of a relationship. and if it is more, that you want and or need, then as disappointing as it is, you will have to move on. and it isnt easy. but,what is the alternative???
as far as your man in cyberspace,u have nothing to feel guilty about. in my opinion anyway. your man at home is not listening to and considering your feelings that im sure you have told him about, and this one is. not to mention,that your man has done his own share of flirting whatever. but,i would certainly not make any decisions based on a potential relationship with this other man. they must be based on YOU,and only you. and if you were to move on, i would purposely NOT move on WITH this new man,in ANY way. you would need time to heal,be on your own, get your own thoughts,wants,desires,and life together. first.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Okay. I generally don't like to be this blunt, but what the he$$ is your problem, woman? You have no sex, neither of you treats the other with anything even resembling the respect and honor a couple shares together. Either you are as nutty as this guy you're with or you are having an extreme case of denial. Love???? Do you HONESTLY believe this pile of crud is love??? My God, help us all if you even remotely think so.
I'm sorry - I'm coming across as a hard-a** and a royal b****, but you continue to describe nothing more than a downright looney relationship, justify it, and proclaim you "love" this guy.
I generally don't get this aggressive or what probably appears insensitive or nasty (at least I hope I don't!) but I'm outta here. This is sheer lunacy!
Read Beattie, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, go to a counselor, go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor, get a life! Holy smokes - he's staring at porno and you're playing slap-and-tickle with some chat room guy - Puuuuulllleeezzzzeee!!!
I'm sorry - I'm coming across as a hard-a** and a royal b****, but you continue to describe nothing more than a downright looney relationship, justify it, and proclaim you "love" this guy.
I generally don't get this aggressive or what probably appears insensitive or nasty (at least I hope I don't!) but I'm outta here. This is sheer lunacy!
Read Beattie, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura Schlesinger, go to a counselor, go to Al-Anon, get a sponsor, get a life! Holy smokes - he's staring at porno and you're playing slap-and-tickle with some chat room guy - Puuuuulllleeezzzzeee!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
And while we're on the subject of HONESTY
which just happens to be the cornerstone of a healthy relationship ... you are posting here under a pseudonymn so he won't discover what you're saying about him and the relationship????? Lord help us all!!! Have either of you ever thought to GET REAL and be HONEST with one another??? You're posting here so he won't sneak in and discover what you are really saying and feeling - jeesh! I'm going to bed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Well, I knew full well I could count on you two for some support, advice and kind words. LOL
I take serious offence at your "slap and tickle" remark!! I may chat to friends online but never have I played "slap and tickle" or whatever else that innuendo is suggesting!
I go to Al Anon, and I have a children and a job and a wonderful family and I HAVE A LIFE...how dare you make assumptions about me regarding the rest of my life because I asked for advice on one particular aspect.
I'm not going to to even dignify this post with anymore of a response as I knew full well you two could be counted on for you're nasty ass remarks, insensitivity and patronising manner.
Sunshinebluesky and the other posters, I thank you for your advice and for putting it in a non judging way but I too am sooo outta here!
LOL
I take serious offence at your "slap and tickle" remark!! I may chat to friends online but never have I played "slap and tickle" or whatever else that innuendo is suggesting!
I go to Al Anon, and I have a children and a job and a wonderful family and I HAVE A LIFE...how dare you make assumptions about me regarding the rest of my life because I asked for advice on one particular aspect.
I'm not going to to even dignify this post with anymore of a response as I knew full well you two could be counted on for you're nasty ass remarks, insensitivity and patronising manner.
Sunshinebluesky and the other posters, I thank you for your advice and for putting it in a non judging way but I too am sooo outta here!
LOL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
I didn't say anything nasty and I did not respond your thread, I responded to prodigal saying I agreed with her.
If you have a life you are HAPPY WITH why is this an issue in the first place? I'm just curious, no need to answer really.
If you have a life you are HAPPY WITH why is this an issue in the first place? I'm just curious, no need to answer really.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
So, ummm.... cussing and accusations and foul language is part of _which_ program of recovery? This thread is no longer addressing the original question, and it is no longer positive and healthy.
Mike
Mike
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