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He says he finally ready to get sober again

Old 10-29-2021, 12:46 AM
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He says he finally ready to get sober again

It's been almost 8 months since he told me our relationship was dead. It's been 10 months since he relapsed on meth after 9 years sober. It's been 17 months since he relapsed on alcohol after 6 years sober. And he really never had a solid hold on his severe gambling addiction. But he did manage to put two years of not gambling together towards the end of our relationship. As my posts have stated, I was shocked, suicidal, and destroyed when he ended our life together. His relapse was like an explosion straight out of a volcano. He had not stopped for almost a year. Using meth and gambling almost everyday.
Everything came to a screeching hault this month on October 5th. He FINALLY got arrested. He is facing 3 felony charges for possession, attempt to distribute, and carrying a gun which he wasn't supposed to have because he is a convicted felon. He could get 10 years. Granted he will probably only serve 2. He had been sober for 3 weeks. He tells me now that he is thinking clearly again he wants to spend the rest of his life Maki g it up to me. He tells me how sorry he is for all of the pain and hurt he caused me. He wants me to bail him out so he can go to a 6 month rehab facility. He says he is done forever with drugs and alcohol. You guys, he sounds do sincere. He sounds like the man I fell in love with. I NEVER thought he would come back to me. For so long he said I was better off without him and that someday I would see that. Now, he is dying for me to let him prove himself. If only I will bail him out so he can start building a life with me again and find recovery again.
When I first started on this site I read over and over that they always come back only when they have hit rock bottom. Well he had and he did. It was like clock work. He instantly wanted me back once the drugs were out of his system and he wanted to start his life again. Am I to believe that he still loves me and wants me like I always thought he did? Am I just delusional to think that any of these sweet intoxicating words carry any validity. All I want to do is go bail him out and bring him home with me. I miss him so much. But here we are 3 weeks into his jail stay and I have let him stay in there. Everyone and I do mean everyone had told me to run from this so why am I so unafraid of taking him back? It's all I can do not to bail him out. He had done so much and come so far with his life and our life. He was kicking ass and taking names. His relapse was epic, all consuming, and layed waste to our lives. But now he is clean and wants nothing more than to make things right. Please, tell me what to do? I don't want to do the wrong thing.
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Old 10-29-2021, 04:11 AM
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Friend, I say this with love: you are hearing and seeing what you want to hear, not what is real.
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Old 10-29-2021, 08:49 AM
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Sparklekitty, I ask this with love. What is real? I think this is why addicts have such a hard time recovering. Society believes they are a lost cause. It's okay for a soccer mom to carry a gun but a scared homeless addict who is trapped in a hellish world trying to survive his severely punished. Before he relapsed he had received 3 promotions at work to achieve one of the highest levels of maintenance at an amazing company. He was making 27 dollars per hour. He worked 2 jobs and went to school full time to earn his certification. I was so freaking proud of him. He gave selflessly to everyone he encountered. He did all of this while struggling with severe adult adhd. He has lost everything he worked so so hard for. Isn't this when he needs the most support now that he has hit rock bottom? I am completely open to the idea of accepting that he is a good for nothing but I am not convinced. If I hadn't seen him put his life back together with the vigor of an Olympic athlete going for gold then I might accept that he is beyond help. That's why I am on this forum.
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Old 10-29-2021, 10:47 AM
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I don't believe he is a lost cause, nor do I believe he is beyond help. I don't think that's true of anyone. I do, however, think he is beyond *your* help.

I believe that if he is who you say he is, then he is more than capable of achieving sobriety and recovery without the incredibly huge red flag of this condition: "If only I will bail him out so he can start building a life with me again and find recovery again."

Do you see the conditional and transactional nature of this? Do you see that he is offering you exactly what you want in order to save himself from the consequences of his own behaviors? He had a gun and was attempting to distribute...something (drugs, I assume?). I get the comparison you are trying to make with a soccer mom with a gun who isn't punished as severely, but he did this thing knowing the consequences due to his convicted status. Our system might be broken but that doesn't change what is happening between you and him.

The man you describe in your second post sounds resourceful and capable, whether or not you open yourself up to more disappointment. He doesn't need you to recover. AA is free. He doesn't need you to save him. Your support doesn't have to be in the form of money, or a place to live, or anything more than an "I believe in you." Instead of him making his recovery conditional on you being a part of his life, why can't you make him being a part of your life conditional on his recovery? If this relationship is worth having, it will wait a year while he sorts himself out. At least.

Of course, the choice is yours. I hope that whatever you decide to do, he takes this opportunity to find what he had before, and that if you decide to re-engage, that you have find nothing but the greatest happiness, because that is what you both deserve.
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Old 10-30-2021, 07:00 AM
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"Your support doesn't have to be in the form of money, or a place to live, or anything more than an "I believe in you." Instead of him making his recovery conditional on you being a part of his life, why can't you make him being a part of your life conditional on his recovery? If this relationship is worth having, it will wait a year while he sorts himself out. At least."

Sparklekitty...so simply and well put and spot on.

In order for his recovery to mean anything...he has to make it happen on his own as if his life depended on it...because it does. You can support him from afar and leave him to it...and if he can succeed and improve his circumstances and his life on his own, it will mean so much more to him and to you. One thing I have learned is that everything we know about love and helping goes out the window when it comes to addiction. It's all so counter-intuitive. Letting him stay in jail right now is likely the best thing you can do to help him.
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Old 10-30-2021, 11:49 AM
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It's nice that he wants to get sober, I say good for him.

So what has he done so far. Oh right, gone to jail, with serious charges which will see him being in jail for probably 2 years at least.

The real question is, what has he done for you/your relationship? Nothing, zero, nada, zilch.

Honestly, it would be SO nice for him to get you to bail him out and he can stay at your place. Who wouldn't want that? But what does that mean for you? He has had a few weeks of enforced sobriety, that's it.

I'm also not saying he is beyond hope, I don't think that, what I do believe is that he is still treading the very selfish path of an addict. How selfish is it to try to drag you in to this colossal mess he has made? If he had called you from rehab and said he is seriously working on himself and has been for months - ok, but no, he calls you from jail to bail him out!

Is he concerned about your feelings? How you will cope? What it will cost you if he skips bail? What it will cost you in general to support him? I mean those are just the basics. I'll guess they haven't crossed his mind.

All this aside, he is not in recovery. Giving him another chance at a relationship with you right now would be, in my opinion, much too harmful to you.

You have mentioned you have a therapist and that it doesn't seem to be doing much good. I would really suggest you perhaps seek a therapist that is at least familiar with alcoholism and codependency.
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Old 10-30-2021, 11:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Greensoul3982 View Post
Sparklekitty, I ask this with love. What is real? I think this is why addicts have such a hard time recovering. Society believes they are a lost cause. It's okay for a soccer mom to carry a gun but a scared homeless addict who is trapped in a hellish world trying to survive his severely punished.
I don't think you can compare these without context?
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Old 11-02-2021, 08:24 PM
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SparkleKitty, I agree with you one hundred percent. I appreciate you more than words can say for taking the time and giving such thoughtful and wise advice. I need to hear this so much right now. I think these things, too. It just helps so much to heat another person say it. Thank you ❤
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Old 11-02-2021, 08:35 PM
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SeekingCalm and Trailmix,
I am so thankful for your thoughtful and sensible input as well. I have decided, with your help and SparkleKitty's help that he is in God's hands now. Paul beat the odds before. I think if he really wants to he can beat them again and get even stronger this time around. I will not be his rescuer or emotional comfort while he does the hard time. It's hard . But it's the right thing to do for him and for MYSELF. I am ready to live my life. I will love him from afar and go on with my life. I will let him know I believe in him. You are right, if he loves me as much as he says he does and wants to recover us being apart shouldn't be a problem even if it's for a year or two. Thank you for giving your time to help me work through this nightmare. Today I am feeling strong and not guilty for anything. ❤
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