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-   -   How do you stay strong? (

Me21 05-31-2021 09:07 AM

How do you stay strong?
Im sorry for the long post, i have no one to vent to...
Im in my thirties and my mum is an alcoholic along with having mental health issues.
For 20 years ive exhausted all approaches and methods, the most recent being a long hospital stay and regular psychology sessions and yet we are still here.
Im her youngest child and for a long time it was just me and her at home. Now she lives alone and im the only one left for her, all other family members have stepped away.
Since i was a kid i feel like i have a strange link with my mum. I feel what she feels, her problems are my problems, the consequences caused by her actions are mine to fix, she is my sole concern, responsibility and worry. I have severe anxiety, mainly about her. I see her very regularly and call her multiple times a day. If she doesnt answer the phone or sound 'right' i panic, worry and immediately go to dark worst case scenarios in my head (suicide has already happened in my family and suicide attempts by my mum)
Years of manipulation, lying and emotional abuse i still feel like i should be there for her even though In my head i know that i cant do anything to help her and my codependence is making things worse.
She drinks daily but will also 'binge' on top of that where she will stay in bed, depressed to then angry, shouting and screaming. So as well as worrying about her, i worry about her neighbours.

On this occasion she called me after a two day binge trying to lie about it and when i confronted her with the truth she tried to blame me basically. I snapped, said it wasnt fair to blame me, i didnt appreciate the guilt trip and couldnt deal with this at the moment as i was at work. I havent been able to get hold of her since. Everyone around me aware of the situation tells me to 'leave her to it' but i find it so difficult.

I have my own experience of drinking to self medicate. I know how desperate and lonely it is and i hate to 'leave my mum to it'.
I caved in two days ago and drove over to her house to check on her. I peeped my head in her bedroom, saw she was still breathing and left.

Reading that back, and saying that in my head sounds so crazy. Ive put so many things in life on hold because my concern for my mum is so debilitating. My life is basically checking my mum is still breathing and i cant live like this anymore.
I havent spoken to her in a week because she is in the thick of it, usually i would be round there calling out doctors.
Ive made a decision that i need to stay away, but then thoughts of her being dead alone not being found creep into my thoughts.

What can i do to stay strong in this situation? Im hanging on by a thread

trailmix 05-31-2021 01:05 PM

Hi Me21, sorry to hear you are in such a difficult situation.

Realistically, you have been there for you Mom for years, tending to her, yet, she is exactly where she has always been, drinking. She will quit drinking when she wants to (if ever) and not a moment before.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 C's).

I would like to recommend a book, Codependent no more - it's the most recommended book in the Family and Friends forum. You may want to read that forum as well and even post there if you like:

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