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It's not just about not enabling with money. The seemingly insignificant stuff matters

Old 12-04-2020, 09:31 AM
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It's not just about not enabling with money. The seemingly insignificant stuff matters

One of the first rules of not enabling is don' t give the alcoholic or addict money. True and effective at times. This is a big one. But that does not mean other forms of helping are not enabling no matter how insignificant they seem.

Saw a parent enable the alcoholic with money AND let the A use their house for storage, a crash pad and mail drop. After the parent passed and house sold the A purposely failed to do a change of address counting on the new owner to set aside their mail for months in order to keep that address for car insurance reasons. They obviously don't want to do that. Now they are asking others to speak to neighbors they had little or no contact and have mail sent there. Not going to happen either. They purposely slowed down the sale of the parent's house for years with one excuse after another trying to avoid a change of address, paying for storage and still be able to party/drink with their friends in the area.

But now the A is complaing about all three and is really unpleasantly surprised about not being able to keep the mail going there. Not even have paid for a year of storage yet they are complaing bitterly. This from a A who shares an apartment costs with their gf. They also will wind up with close to 6 figures of money when the parents estate is settled. They also have had access to other inheritance and sources of income.

Point is even something like letting a A adult child use your home as a mail drop/address not only will eventually become an issue but if they have a dui or two that could affect your insurance rates even though different policies. Same for storage and/or crash pad. If they have that much stuff or don't want to sort through it regularly that is their organizational issue, not yours. Same for a crash pad if they drink so much they can't make it to their home maybe they should be making decisions about where and when they drink. Giving them a bed/house frees them of that personal responsibility. Don't negotiate these things either. Make and keep clear cut boundaries and rules.

But those seemingly small or insignificant forms of aid will become a big issue and/or are still enabling.

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