My 30 Year Old is Stressing Me Out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Spinning happily in my hula hoop
Posts: 2,618
My 30 Year Old is Stressing Me Out
Hi SR, I hope this is the right forum.... I have a 30 year old son who uses drugs. He has smoked pot for years but I'm thinking he's doing something else. Here's the back story.. he has always made poor choices, quits jobs or gets fired, blames me for making him leave home at 16. (I put him in rehab twice, outpatient therapy, after he got home second time he got kicked out of school etc. ) He went to live with his brother & friend from work. So over the last 14 years, I felt guilty for making him leave...I would pay his bills, buy food, everything that he didn't handle I tried to fix. Now he's lost another job and his on the verge of being homeless. His attitude sucks, he plays the victim all the time, he fights depression. I'm always the first one that he calls, I'm so stressed and tired. I know now when I thought I was helping him, I was actually hurting him by picking up the pieces. My back story... I came from a disfunctional abusive family, (father/abuse me) people pleaser, aloholic...6 years sober with the help or SR and doing the work. I see things so much differently now! I was a functional alcoholic that was always trying to help everyone but myself and I made lots of mistakes in life! I feel guilty about everything but mostly being an alcoholic mother. My older son does fantastic in life, good attitude, self supporting, but my younger son is falling again and I don't have the strength anymore to catch him nor do I want to. He's putting stress on my marriage, my husband (not my son's Dad) told me for years that I was not helping him by picking up the pieces, I just couldn't see it until recently. I cry all the time over him...years of crying. Yesterday I picked him up to do so running.... he was high, he was complainly about having cotton mouth. I was so annoyed and mad but didn't say anything because I didn't want a argument. His state of mind kind of scares me anymore. I know I'm to blame but now I'm not sure what to do. I offered a million times to take him to meetings but he says no, I sent him the SR link but he said no. Me & my husband usually go to Florida for the winter (last 2 years) but I talked my husband into staying through Christmas because I felt guilty for leaving him alone. Ugh it's such a mess! I made a mess with him. 
I wish now we left because I can see the holidays being miserable! My husband is miserable because he doesn't want to be here, my younger son having all his issues, my older son can care less about Christmas (he's a huge Halloween person) plus he's working. I'm just miserable and can't get out of my head. What do I do? Sorry this is long and sorry for the typos... Thank you for listening.♥️
I wish now we left because I can see the holidays being miserable! My husband is miserable because he doesn't want to be here, my younger son having all his issues, my older son can care less about Christmas (he's a huge Halloween person) plus he's working. I'm just miserable and can't get out of my head. What do I do? Sorry this is long and sorry for the typos... Thank you for listening.♥️
Last edited by nel68; 11-08-2019 at 05:22 AM. Reason: Added something
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi Nel and welcome. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), so you might want to give yourself a break on that line of thought!
We have a Friends and Family forum here (for alcoholics, but everyone is welcome of course and addiction is addiction, as you know).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You might find reading the threads there helpful and posting of course, if you would like to. It's a much busier forum than this one, that tends to be quite quiet.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beatty. I would really recommend you pick up a copy if you can. It will probably be quite eye opening (and will no doubt bring you some relief as it discusses boundaries in relationships etc). It might also give you the peace of mind you need to get going to Florida for the winter.
Anyway, glad you found SR and hang in there!
We have a Friends and Family forum here (for alcoholics, but everyone is welcome of course and addiction is addiction, as you know).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You might find reading the threads there helpful and posting of course, if you would like to. It's a much busier forum than this one, that tends to be quite quiet.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beatty. I would really recommend you pick up a copy if you can. It will probably be quite eye opening (and will no doubt bring you some relief as it discusses boundaries in relationships etc). It might also give you the peace of mind you need to get going to Florida for the winter.
Anyway, glad you found SR and hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
Hi There
Don't beat yourself up over your son's poor choices. He is 30 years old, and can seek help for his addiction issues if he wishes to.
He knows you feel guilty, and he is using that to manipulate you.
My son is also my addict, and I too, had to evict him from the family home due to his behaviours. Living with an addict is horrendous! It's not fair on others in the home, as it impacts on everyone. The rest of the family can't be sacrificed, for one person's choices to continue a disruptive lifestyle. That would be madness.
No one wants to have to be in the position where you're evicting your (adult) kid, but sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made, before everyone's life goes down the plug hole.
Don't beat yourself up over your son's poor choices. He is 30 years old, and can seek help for his addiction issues if he wishes to.
He knows you feel guilty, and he is using that to manipulate you.
My son is also my addict, and I too, had to evict him from the family home due to his behaviours. Living with an addict is horrendous! It's not fair on others in the home, as it impacts on everyone. The rest of the family can't be sacrificed, for one person's choices to continue a disruptive lifestyle. That would be madness.
No one wants to have to be in the position where you're evicting your (adult) kid, but sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made, before everyone's life goes down the plug hole.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Spinning happily in my hula hoop
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by Keepinghope123 
I don't have any advice, but wanted to say I'm sorry you are in this situation.
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm sorry this is happening to you Nel.
Trailmix's post is full of good advice
D
Trailmix's post is full of good advice
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Spinning happily in my hula hoop
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by Bute
Hi There
Don't beat yourself up over your son's poor choices. He is 30 years old, and can seek help for his addiction issues if he wishes to.
He knows you feel guilty, and he is using that to manipulate you.
My son is also my addict, and I too, had to evict him from the family home due to his behaviours. Living with an addict is horrendous! It's not fair on others in the home, as it impacts on everyone. The rest of the family can't be sacrificed, for one person's choices to continue a disruptive lifestyle. That would be madness.
No one wants to have to be in the position where you're evicting your (adult) kid, but sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made, before everyone's life goes down the plug hole.
Don't beat yourself up over your son's poor choices. He is 30 years old, and can seek help for his addiction issues if he wishes to.
He knows you feel guilty, and he is using that to manipulate you.
My son is also my addict, and I too, had to evict him from the family home due to his behaviours. Living with an addict is horrendous! It's not fair on others in the home, as it impacts on everyone. The rest of the family can't be sacrificed, for one person's choices to continue a disruptive lifestyle. That would be madness.
No one wants to have to be in the position where you're evicting your (adult) kid, but sometimes, difficult decisions have to be made, before everyone's life goes down the plug hole.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Spinning happily in my hula hoop
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi Nel and welcome. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), so you might want to give yourself a break on that line of thought!
We have a Friends and Family forum here (for alcoholics, but everyone is welcome of course and addiction is addiction, as you know).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You might find reading the threads there helpful and posting of course, if you would like to. It's a much busier forum than this one, that tends to be quite quiet.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beatty. I would really recommend you pick up a copy if you can. It will probably be quite eye opening (and will no doubt bring you some relief as it discusses boundaries in relationships etc). It might also give you the peace of mind you need to get going to Florida for the winter.
Anyway, glad you found SR and hang in there!
We have a Friends and Family forum here (for alcoholics, but everyone is welcome of course and addiction is addiction, as you know).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You might find reading the threads there helpful and posting of course, if you would like to. It's a much busier forum than this one, that tends to be quite quiet.
There is a book called Codependent no more, by Melody Beatty. I would really recommend you pick up a copy if you can. It will probably be quite eye opening (and will no doubt bring you some relief as it discusses boundaries in relationships etc). It might also give you the peace of mind you need to get going to Florida for the winter.
Anyway, glad you found SR and hang in there!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Good morning, Nel:
That guilt thing? Easier said than done, but don't go there...
I have a 30-something stepson whose life since around 13 has revolved around alcohol and drugs. When my husband (his father) was alive, he did similar things for the young man--rehab, counseling, paid for an apartment, etc. None of it worked because he wasn't ready to stop using. At some point, adults have to go be adults. Learn to live life on life's terms. We went completely hands off. If he asked for something, we would say we would think about it and get back to him. If we paid for something for him, it went directly to the landlord, etc., so money was not given to him directly.
It is just that easy, and just that hard when learning to let go of an adult child. We want to be there to fix everything, but we can't--it's not possible and it doing so is not in their best interests.
This has been a long road for you--and I'm so sorry. Please do stop by SR anytime you need to talk or need support. Sending hugs and prayers.
S
That guilt thing? Easier said than done, but don't go there...
I have a 30-something stepson whose life since around 13 has revolved around alcohol and drugs. When my husband (his father) was alive, he did similar things for the young man--rehab, counseling, paid for an apartment, etc. None of it worked because he wasn't ready to stop using. At some point, adults have to go be adults. Learn to live life on life's terms. We went completely hands off. If he asked for something, we would say we would think about it and get back to him. If we paid for something for him, it went directly to the landlord, etc., so money was not given to him directly.
It is just that easy, and just that hard when learning to let go of an adult child. We want to be there to fix everything, but we can't--it's not possible and it doing so is not in their best interests.
This has been a long road for you--and I'm so sorry. Please do stop by SR anytime you need to talk or need support. Sending hugs and prayers.
S
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 30
Thanks for your post Nel.
This all sounds very familiar to me. My drug addiction was the source of a lot of stress for my parents. I used my mom for whatever resources I could when I was out there in the thick of my addiction. She enabled me and gave more of herself to me than to my two younger brothers. The family was falling apart, and I'm pretty sure that my parents were fighting over what to do about me constantly. My mom recommended that I enroll in a program that could help me and kept hounding me about it for over 6 months. Finally the day came when I ran out of options and I asked her if I could come stay at their house and if I could have some money.
She put her foot down and said I had to come into this program or they would have to stop communicating with me entirely. That was in October of last year. I've got 13 months sober now. The relationship I am building with my mom and dad is so incredible now I never thought it would be possible. My younger brothers who had stopped talking to me years ago are even starting to open up lines of communication. There is hope. There is help. You just need to do what you are doing and reach out and ask for it.
This all sounds very familiar to me. My drug addiction was the source of a lot of stress for my parents. I used my mom for whatever resources I could when I was out there in the thick of my addiction. She enabled me and gave more of herself to me than to my two younger brothers. The family was falling apart, and I'm pretty sure that my parents were fighting over what to do about me constantly. My mom recommended that I enroll in a program that could help me and kept hounding me about it for over 6 months. Finally the day came when I ran out of options and I asked her if I could come stay at their house and if I could have some money.
She put her foot down and said I had to come into this program or they would have to stop communicating with me entirely. That was in October of last year. I've got 13 months sober now. The relationship I am building with my mom and dad is so incredible now I never thought it would be possible. My younger brothers who had stopped talking to me years ago are even starting to open up lines of communication. There is hope. There is help. You just need to do what you are doing and reach out and ask for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Spinning happily in my hula hoop
Posts: 2,618
Originally Posted by givingback
Thanks for your post Nel.
This all sounds very familiar to me. My drug addiction was the source of a lot of stress for my parents. I used my mom for whatever resources I could when I was out there in the thick of my addiction. She enabled me and gave more of herself to me than to my two younger brothers. The family was falling apart, and I'm pretty sure that my parents were fighting over what to do about me constantly. My mom recommended that I enroll in a program that could help me and kept hounding me about it for over 6 months. Finally the day came when I ran out of options and I asked her if I could come stay at their house and if I could have some money.
She put her foot down and said I had to come into this program or they would have to stop communicating with me entirely. That was in October of last year. I've got 13 months sober now. The relationship I am building with my mom and dad is so incredible now I never thought it would be possible. My younger brothers who had stopped talking to me years ago are even starting to open up lines of communication. There is hope. There is help. You just need to do what you are doing and reach out and ask for it.
This all sounds very familiar to me. My drug addiction was the source of a lot of stress for my parents. I used my mom for whatever resources I could when I was out there in the thick of my addiction. She enabled me and gave more of herself to me than to my two younger brothers. The family was falling apart, and I'm pretty sure that my parents were fighting over what to do about me constantly. My mom recommended that I enroll in a program that could help me and kept hounding me about it for over 6 months. Finally the day came when I ran out of options and I asked her if I could come stay at their house and if I could have some money.
She put her foot down and said I had to come into this program or they would have to stop communicating with me entirely. That was in October of last year. I've got 13 months sober now. The relationship I am building with my mom and dad is so incredible now I never thought it would be possible. My younger brothers who had stopped talking to me years ago are even starting to open up lines of communication. There is hope. There is help. You just need to do what you are doing and reach out and ask for it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello, nel68!
In your original post, this stood out to me, "I see things so much differently now!" I see things differently as well with regard to my now 29yo son, our difficult situation at home being why I landed here at SR seeking information and support back in 2010.
Keep working on you! Things can get better.
In your original post, this stood out to me, "I see things so much differently now!" I see things differently as well with regard to my now 29yo son, our difficult situation at home being why I landed here at SR seeking information and support back in 2010.
Keep working on you! Things can get better.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
