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Old 10-07-2019, 03:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Giving up


Found out today that my son is back to drinking and missed work again after missing 8 days over 2 weeks ago to his accident due to being drunk and falling off his bike smashing his face on concrete and suffering a concussion....
So, the talk about how this got his attention now was all horse sh*t. Sick of this life, sick of not being able to just cut him off and telling him Good bye- have a great life- don't reach out to us until you are sober 6 months..
We are told to be supportive, to love him, not to enable him.
Stupid us played into his talk about how this got his attention, etc.
I guess the weekend was rough and he drank too much and then couldn't go to work...
I am not an alcoholic so I don't understand the powerlessness. I just know I am tired of this life.
I need to just say you are on your own. Find your own health insurance as of a certain date and just say you are now an adult, we are done.
How did others do this?
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Old 10-08-2019, 07:59 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi Elliemae

My son is also my addict. He is currently in prison.
I had to evict him from the family home 5 years ago, as I could not tolerate his behaviours. Usual addict behaviours that we are all accustomed to - abusive, destroying my home, bringing drugs into the house etc. This was impacting greatly on my health. I had to come to the difficult decision to ask him to leave. It was the hardest thing ever, and almost completely broke me. We were subject to further abusive behaviours with him coming to the house screaming abuse, bashing the walls with a hammer, abusive and vile voice messages and txts, harassing for money.
It came to the point where I had put up with enough so I took steps to put boundaries in place to protect myself. I blocked him on my mobile - that way I didnt have to subject myself to reading the horrible txts or listen to messages. If he came near the house, I called the police - he stopped appearing at the house. I didnt give him my hard earned cash.
I found support for me, which allowed me to learn how to ACCEPT that there was nothing I could do to help him. He had to want to do this himself. I continuously said "no, Im sorry, but I can't give you the help you need", - difficult initially, and I had to "sit on my hands" and control the "what ifs". It became easier as time passed.
I accepted that he would have to deal with the fallout, of his behaviours and take whatever consequences came his way. I was very aware that potentially, a consequence could be his life.
I wish I had a quick fix for you , but sadly, there isn't one. You will have to make some difficult decisions, no doubt about it. The alternative, is that you continue to be dragged into his crazy world, and go down with him.
These are just some of my experiences which I am sharing with you, to let you know you are not alone, and that there is a way to still have a life, despite our addicts choices.
Sending love
Bute x
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Old 10-10-2019, 07:18 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Today is one year to the day since I last saw my 28 year old son.
It's hard, and with the holidays coming, of course I want to reach out to him...but who is he? Not the young man I miss so very much. He's not the same person, and he has treated me terribly.
I keep reminding myself that the only way he finds his way to health and recovery is on his own. And that someday when he gets well and reaches out to me, I will be here, and he will be a better man for climbing his own way out of where he is now. I pray that his bottom will not result in serious harm to himself or anyone else, but there is not a thing I can do to prevent this from happening.
Someone in an al-anon meeting said recently, "After helping my son for 3 years, I realized that nothing I did was helping". Nothing will until they want it...don't make it easy for him to continue this way by supporting him.
I hold onto hope, but I will not put myself back in the way of an active alcoholic.
Elliemae, take care of yourself, and let him go.
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Old 10-12-2019, 09:20 AM   #4 (permalink)
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It's tough to detach or get problem family out of your life. I'd start with small easier boundaries to maintain, enforce those. Also tell him with no fan fare, lectures etc that you will no longer carry him on your insurance. Maybe counter his response a little bit but don't let it turn into a debate or negotiation.

And in yes in a minimal way remind him he is an adult. Not a child whose playground is a bar. Adults pay their own way. Seems to have money for alcohol. Again don't let things spiral into a debate or argument.

Support vs enabling is a fine line to walk. Trying to manage or minimize the consequences really doesn't help either unless it's your butt on the line.

Stay safe, sounds like you are on the right path.
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Old 10-12-2019, 10:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I can only speak for myself but every time my parents rescued me, it delayed my recovery.

When I realised no-one was coming to help, I realised that it recovery can only come from me.

I wish you the best xx
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