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Old 01-14-2019, 12:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Angry

Not turning up to family days


Hi All

I havenít posted for ages, the good news is that my sister eventually had contact with me again and I have managed mostly not to worry as I used to.
Over the last six months she has become more and more unreliable, feigning illness at the last moment to times out egs
Xmas day she didnít turn up or let me know she wasnít coming, I ignored this and just simply wished her a happy Xmas, no response since!
Today though she didnít turn up to my other sisters (she lives abt 3 hours drive away) her and her son who is only 3 waited for her for 3 hours at the meeting place (luckily a soft play place)! She hasnít answered her calls or feigned illness, just ignored!
Has anyone else experience of this behaviour please? Little one was upset when his auntie didnít show. Whatís the best way to manage this? Iím worried she has got really bad to not even bother lieing abt it.

Thank you
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Old 01-15-2019, 04:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hello Power,

Yep, active addicts and alcoholics are the most unreliable people. We learned to not make family plans around my stepson. He was eventually not invited to family events, especially children's birthdays, because who wants uncle so-and-so showing up drunk off his keister making inappropriate comments? My stepdaughter simply will not expose her children to that.

If you want to continue to include your sister in events, then perhaps it would be best to do so with no expectations. Perhaps tell your Niece that her Aunt has been invited but you don't know if she will be able to make it or not. If she wants to attend, she can manage to get herself there. If she has money to drink, she has money for Uber. That way, 3-hour waits in the play place won't have to happen!

Hang in there...none of this is easy!!
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Old 01-15-2019, 12:32 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I think when someone demonstrates certain behavioral patterns itís best to believe those patterns and not have expectations otherwise.

Itís probably time to stop expecting her to respond in a courteous normal manner or have respect for anyoneís feelings other than her own. The little one wonít be upset anymore if they are not put into that situation again. Your sister wonít have to sit and wait it out for 3 hours anymore either.

Alcohol is a progressive disease and as her disease progresses so will her negative behaviors.
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Old 01-15-2019, 01:10 PM   #4 (permalink)
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sisters we won't even go there. vipers all 3 .. why did I drink in the 1970's-1980's to feel better ended up sadder.. slept more. and could say I did not
want to come.. but then they all ran to Mother she is behaving badly again. poooooooo with knobs on.. now I don't drink . one thinks she has worked for the CIA really you washed dishes in a Hospital Kitchen. one is a clerk at Walmart living in a house that Mother bought her.. really.... and one keeps trying to do the long dirt sleep first.....me I have bills to pay music to go listen to and people around me that know that I am a good people even out of the clown paint.. sorry... don't invite them anymore. they ask why and tell them straight out cause dummy you are a bad trip.. ekekekkekek
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Old 01-15-2019, 02:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
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No expectations

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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
Hello Power,

Yep, active addicts and alcoholics are the most unreliable people. We learned to not make family plans around my stepson. He was eventually not invited to family events, especially children's birthdays, because who wants uncle so-and-so showing up drunk off his keister making inappropriate comments? My stepdaughter simply will not expose her children to that.

If you want to continue to include your sister in events, then perhaps it would be best to do so with no expectations. Perhaps tell your Niece that her Aunt has been invited but you don't know if she will be able to make it or not. If she wants to attend, she can manage to get herself there. If she has money to drink, she has money for Uber. That way, 3-hour waits in the play place won't have to happen!

Hang in there...none of this is easy!!
Thank you, she was taking herself there, it was only her going this time, to visit and spend a night! Her driving is another worry! Usually she is pretty good around little one and doesnít let that particular sister down (probably because of the distance and arranging it takes). You are right though, not inviting saves expectations and upset, although partly we invite her because we want her to be part of the family. I guess Iím just wondering how bad she is at the moment if she canít even be bothered to make an excuse. Appreciate the response.
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Old 01-15-2019, 02:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thatís what Iím afraid of

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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
I think when someone demonstrates certain behavioral patterns itís best to believe those patterns and not have expectations otherwise.

Itís probably time to stop expecting her to respond in a courteous normal manner or have respect for anyoneís feelings other than her own. The little one wonít be upset anymore if they are not put into that situation again. Your sister wonít have to sit and wait it out for 3 hours anymore either.

Alcohol is a progressive disease and as her disease progresses so will her negative behaviors.
Thank you, I guess youíve hit the nail in the head, Iím afraid that it has progressed even further as usually we get an excuse rather than completely ignored, she often lets us down and Iím very used to that, although it doesnít get any less disappointing. She is presently off work for 3 weeks and I guess sheís gone on a complete bender.
i am much better at protecting myself, just really felt for the little one and my sister (who living so far away doesnít see all we do)!

Thank you for responding
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Old 01-15-2019, 04:49 PM   #7 (permalink)
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My son was no show/no reply to invitations this holiday season.
First time he has done this...he's shown up hungover, he's shown up drunk, he's shown up just wonderful!...A couple of years ago, I told him that he was not welcome in our home drunk or hungover, and for 2 years, he managed to pull it off on all kinds of celebrations and holidays.
But as it has been said, this is a progressive disease...and I suppose it is no longer worth the trouble to be with his family.
I am heartbroken, but I have faith that his journey will eventually lead him to recovery and long-term sobriety.
I will continue to reach out to him when it makes sense, and I will continue to invite him with no expectations because every day is an opportunity for him to hit bottom and change his behavior. I want him to know that when that day comes, he is welcome as he always has been.
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Old 03-25-2019, 01:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
My son was no show/no reply to invitations this holiday season.
First time he has done this...he's shown up hungover, he's shown up drunk, he's shown up just wonderful!...A couple of years ago, I told him that he was not welcome in our home drunk or hungover, and for 2 years, he managed to pull it off on all kinds of celebrations and holidays.

......
You set clear boundaries and stuck, to them. Good for you.

This is where many parents mess up. By allowing him to come or get drunk at a family gathering helps validate his drinking. I've seen that play out. The parents got upset when young adults starting slurring or acting stupid but yet had no problem observing the adult children drink over dozens beers, whisky, wine etc. Literally didn't raise an eyebrow. Others noticed/gossiped but only one parent starting saying something too late after decades of that type of behavior and consumption.

Hopefully a bottom will come and force him to make the choice of sobriety or his lifestyle/substance. I know of several 1/2 century old adult 'children' who never made that choice and it shows.

Hope things turn for the better.
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Old 03-30-2019, 10:04 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you thequest.
I have not seen him since his grandfather's funeral in October.
I have not spoken to him live since before Christmas.
I texted him that we had some family events coming up that we'd like to invite him to, and what was the best way to share the details? He doesn't answer his phone and the voicemail is always full. He replied e-mail. So I emailed all the details...first event is tonight.
Haven't heard from him, do not expect to see him.
He will have to figure out a way to climb out of the rabbit hole he has climbed into all by himself. I have learned that it is his right to live the way he wants to, and it is mine to decide what I can live with and what I will not put up with. I know that he loves us deeply, but he has a disease that prevents him from loving himself at the moment, and that is why he stays away.
None of this is easy, but life comes with great blessings and great challenges. It is part of the deal of being alive. I hope for the best. I love him and always will.
I am grateful for the wonderful community here.
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