BellaBlue

Haven't been here for a while. AS went NC with me 3 years ago. I never heard from him, didn't know where he was. He came back last March, homeless. Stayed with us for 2 months, got a job and an apartment. The very day he moved out, he started drinking after those 2 months of sobriety. Ended up in hospital for detox and mental health hold, but docs decided he was fine. Rinse, repeat. Then rehab for 28 days. Rinse, repeat. Detox again, but refused another 28 day stay.

I'm already immunocompromised and my health has deteriorated. I'm fighting viral stuff that is very painful and due to the unending stress. His thinking is insane! Initially I felt somewhat responsible for him since he moved here and knows no one but no more. I've started telling him I must back off and will not talk with him any more about his unending problems - they are all caused by his sloppy alcoholic life.

Tonight was another sh!t storm of angry complaining and he did not want to let me off the phone. I had to hang up and turn the phone off - things I never do but I refused to listen.

I know that I am going to continue to detach more - I have to. But am I consigning my beloved boy to his death? He is turning 40 and I cannot be with him to celebrate due to his stinkin' thinkin' being vomited all over my brain.

Thanks for listening.

BellaBlue

suki44883

You are not consigning him to anything. He is 40 years old, not 7. He knows what to do to get better. If he refuses, that isn't anyone's fault but his own.

His chaos is affecting your health and you are smart to cut all communication with him. This is just one of the ways addicts take us down with them. Stay strong.

hopeful4

He is leading his life the way he is with you, and without you. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. He has had ample opportunities for help, it's his choice to recover....or not. It hurts to see the ones you love make such awful choices. However, they are their own choices. If you let him do this to you, he will drag you down the drain with him. You still love him, and it's ok to love someone from afar simply because they are too toxic to be close with.

Sending you many hugs. Take good care of YOU.

BellaBlue

Thank you suki and hopeful. I have reread your posts several times, letting truth sink in.

I have not called to check on him, rather letting him call if he wants to. I am telling myself about every few seconds that I have not the power of life/death for anyone. That's between every soul and their God. It's painful, depressing and challenging to battle these obsessive thoughts.

While doing my weekly marketing today, the lyrics of Evanescence' My Immortal popped into my head, which then brought me to tears. If ever there was a song that crystallizes the emotions of dealing with a beloved with addiction, this is it.

seekingcalm

Dear BellaBlue,
I haven't been on in a few days, so I am just seeing your post today, and I am so glad that you have reached out on SR. My AS is 27 years old, still very high functioning, but increasingly cruel and illogical.
I will be telephoning him to invite him for Christmas...he ignored invites for Thanksgiving, so my expectations are not high, but I am trying to take care of myself while also shining a light into his rabbit hole so he knows that every day is an opportunity to make a better choice.
Addiction is so awful, and my heart aches for you and for all of us who have to step aside as our loved ones fall further into the abyss.
Recently, another mom shared with me here on SR that after 2 years of no contact, her son just decided he had finally had enough. He has 2 years of recovery now, and their relationship is in her words, "terrific". It's what I pray for each and every day.
Take care of you.

Seren

Bella

Yeah, most of the family have had to let "jr." go for similar reasons. He now has a habit of sending nasty grams to his sister and other family members all hateful and blaming as if he has no hand in his own situation. Truth is, his situation is all wrought by his own hand.

*sigh* Yes, it is OK to let your son go and live his life however he sees fit. No, you are not consigning him to his doom. If he is doomed, it is his decision and his actions that will take him there. As Suki said, he is old enough to take care of himself and knows what he needs to do.

BellaBlue

I took him shopping for a birthday/Christmas gift yesterday. It is so hard being with him. He is depressed and so self-absorbed. He is still a gentle soul, not cruel or combative, but so, so sad and broken. After just a few hours with him, I feel so drained and sad, wanting to fix but knowing it's impossible. Only God has that power.

Seren

How are you Bella? I hope you had some moments of peace and joy in your holiday!

BellaBlue

Thanks for asking, Seren. It was a quiet but dismal Christmas. I did not see any of my kids/grandkids as they live too far to easily travel. My AS (who does live close) did not want to visit with us, but at least caused no drama.

Seren

Bella

Here is hoping for much better things in 2019--even if it is just peace regardless of whether our loved ones are drinking/drugging or not.

When Mr. Seren was alive and Jr. was in town, sometimes the most I could hope for was Drama-free...

Apparently, Jr. is now caught up in something that I'm not to know about *shrug*. His sister is trying to help him in some way, but I'm out of the loop. Perhaps that is for the best.

Hang in there!!