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Addiction truly changes you.

Old 07-29-2018, 08:56 PM
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Addiction truly changes you.

My mother used to be such a beautiful, delightful, funny, kind and generous woman. She still has bits of those traits that defined her, but the desease of alcoholism has completely wiped away her personality. Everything that she was, gone. She's just an empty shell now.

My heart is broken into pieces.
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Old 07-30-2018, 01:09 PM
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Oh Valentinus, I know how horrible it is to watch someone vibrant and full of life destroy their mental and physical health via drugs and alcohol. But I learned through Alanon that I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. When our loved ones make the insane and self-destructive choices they make, instead of protecting ourselves from chaos that insues, we go rushing into the fire. The result is we all get burned. And enabling can keep the blaze going for years. Going no contact with my addict works for me. Find out what works for you so that your life becomes rewarding and worthwhile. Your worth it. Big hugs.
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Old 07-30-2018, 03:09 PM
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But then I go through this huge moral conflict where I feel like I must help her and take care of her, she's my mother. If I don't do anything I'm ungrateful and selfish. I'm all too familiar with this, which I'm trying so hard to not let it get to me. Loving someone comes with a price, it can completely destroy your integrity. Is there really a limit for love? I'm slowly distancing myself from her for my own well-being, but the feeling of guilt is inevitable.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I wish you a lot of healing and happiness.
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Old 08-06-2018, 09:42 PM
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Why do you feel guilty? She's the one that made the choices that lead her to her present state. I'll bet you were a wonderful daughter and now you want to blame yourself for her disease. It's a mysterious powerful disease that only she can do something about and she may choose not to. But I know what it is to spend an inordinate amount of time and money getting nowhere with my addict. I have learned not to fight her battles for her or let her manipulate me until I couldn't stand myself. I am powerless against her disease and I got that straight from God. May he bless you.
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Old 08-06-2018, 10:13 PM
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I think you can be there for someone without enabling them. It is a tragedy to see people change so drastically!
I think if you are strong enough and maybe have the backing of other people you can still be there for her. I think when we think someone 'should ' change we burden ourselves with a lot of expectations and frustration.

Unfortunately your Mother has changed and if you can visit her without getting too emotionally involved in her depletion then why not? But if it is severely damaging to you too, you do have to take a step back inevitably.

I take it she isn't seeking help for it?
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Old 08-07-2018, 06:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Lonewolf22 View Post
I think you can be there for someone without enabling them. It is a tragedy to see people change so drastically!
I think if you are strong enough and maybe have the backing of other people you can still be there for her. I think when we think someone 'should ' change we burden ourselves with a lot of expectations and frustration.

Unfortunately your Mother has changed and if you can visit her without getting too emotionally involved in her depletion then why not? But if it is severely damaging to you too, you do have to take a step back inevitably.

I take it she isn't seeking help for it?
I still live with her, I don't have the sources to move out. I'm trying to find ways to deal with her, talking sense with her has become useless. My other family members live on other states and are too busy with life, so I'm pretty much alone.

She hasn't seeked help and it's clear she won't anytime soon. We tried to take her to AA several years ago, but she quit after several days.
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Old 08-07-2018, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Sissyfuss View Post
Why do you feel guilty? She's the one that made the choices that lead her to her present state. I'll bet you were a wonderful daughter and now you want to blame yourself for her disease. It's a mysterious powerful disease that only she can do something about and she may choose not to. But I know what it is to spend an inordinate amount of time and money getting nowhere with my addict. I have learned not to fight her battles for her or let her manipulate me until I couldn't stand myself. I am powerless against her disease and I got that straight from God. May he bless you.
If only I could understand that, it's so hard for me to accept it. It makes it even harder when you live in a culture where family is valued and you must be there for them. I can leave my alcoholic boyfriend, but I can't leave my alcoholic mother because she gave me birth, fed me and took care of me? Destructive behaviour is destructive behavious, it dosen't matter who the person is, but most people don't get that. Or maybe I just don't need others to understand my situation and stand by myself.
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Old 08-07-2018, 07:29 PM
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V,
Have you tried any alanon meetings? I took the abuse from my axh for 34 years, till I was going crazy. I had to detach and move on.

Through alanon you can learn to detach with love. You don't need to enable your mother. Alanon has great tools for you to learn how to help yourself. She has no right to take you down with her disease. Please find a meeting near you. I think it would really help you. Hugs, you deserve so much more.
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Old 08-07-2018, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
V,
Have you tried any alanon meetings? I took the abuse from my axh for 34 years, till I was going crazy. I had to detach and move on.

Through alanon you can learn to detach with love. You don't need to enable your mother. Alanon has great tools for you to learn how to help yourself. She has no right to take you down with her disease. Please find a meeting near you. I think it would really help you. Hugs, you deserve so much more.
I unfortunately couldn't find any al-anon meeting where I live, I'm not from the States. It seems that it isn't widely available in my country, which is a bummer. I've been considering a family therapist or something like that though.
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Old 08-08-2018, 07:26 AM
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V,
I would recommend an addiction therapist for you. Sometimes regular therapist just don't "get it". You can google alanon and get some of their information. There are books that you can order on Amazon "Courage to Change" and "One day at a time". They are daily readings that might help you.

There is a lot for you to learn about this horrible disease. Read all over this forum. There is a forum here for adult children of alcoholics. Ask questions and come on often. If you work a program, you life will change. I promise!! Hugs!!
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