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-   -   Warning to seniors thinking about financially helping out addicted family member (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/family-members-addicts-alcoholics-parents-sons-daughters-siblings/425520-warning-seniors-thinking-about-financially-helping-out-addicted-family-member.html)

thequest 03-26-2018 06:08 PM

Warning to seniors thinking about financially helping out addicted family member
 
Warning #1-long and rantish.

Warning # 2 Caution to seniors & older parents/relatives of adult children with addiction issues. Think long and hard about financially helping out a addicted family member especially if it does not include rehab. Senior family is now paying the price for taking care of many years of bills for an addicted/alcoholic family member. Not rehab but bills. And was too afraid to ask them to payback at least part of the 'loan' because they felt it might pressure them too much.

That generosity is now the difference between financial stability and being able to stay in their home. It was their choice and they were warned but they not only gave them money. loans etc but the addict/alcoholic never went to rehab or changed their ways. They also took pity on them again helping them again with a car for the job was supposed to save their life turn them around. We lost count of the bottles and cans in the trash around the holidays.

And the senior is more worried about their bills yet still thinks they did nothing wrong with the alcoholic/addict. But the dollar amount is literally the difference between financial stability and having to downsize and sweatout most of their bills. Now they're relying on other family for 'help' which will eventually morph from a lot of paid odd bills, jobs etc to full financial assistance. The senior had to apply for financial assistance and special tax breaks that hurt their pride to say the least. Other family is now going to have to help them stay of out of public housing and/or nursing home. One addict/alcoholic is on the verge of dragging down several family members.

Point being another story/example of why one does not enable or give an alcoholic/addict money. Enabling is real. Not enabling can work but takes work and might seem like tough love or lack of compassion but it is not. If nothing else the alcoholic/addict should be paying for the own demise.

DO NOT ENABLE THE ALCOHOLIC/ADDICT WITH MONEY no matter how 'sad' or 'distressing' their STORY is.

BriarSkye 09-19-2018 05:35 AM

Wow, so sad but true. The active alcoholic addict causes so much destruction.
Truth is, even if they get help at this point, after decades if selfish self-destructive substance abuse, the parent should not feel obligated to give financial assistance, because the addict/alcoholic has made their own mess. The reality is that we as families are not required to clean up the wreckage that has been whirling for years and years. These are the harsh, self-imposed consequences.

Anaya 09-23-2018 06:29 AM

That is devastating for those you describe in the initial post! I cannot even imagine it coming to that -- that is, doing over and over what one thinks are acts of kindness, compassion, and meaning well when trying to "help" an addict through tough times and then ending up themselves in dire straits.

I was given a heads up years back (via this site and forums and support) and I guess you could say "re-trained" myself into thinking I should detach (not easy but can be done) and not continue to enable one who attempted to manipulate family members into taking care of his business so he could continue with his chaotic lifestyle. I do love myself and the addict enough to know now to resist the temptation to try to fix things for him.

wildflower70 09-23-2018 06:52 AM

My parent has enabled my sibling for the past 30 years. she has lost her house, her retirement savings, and her ability to enjoy a stress free life. I have moved her into a subsidized apartment that she can afford, and still my sibling takes money each month from her limited social security check to pay for miscellaneous bills of his own.

Thousands and thousands of dollars have been taken away from my parent so that my sibling can enjoy a life of drinking and drugging. (I say "enjoy" because he has no intentions on getting well, he likes his lifestyle) I am the one who picks up the pieces, I am helping my parent while she helps my addictive sibling.

Now it is beginning to feel like I am also enabling the situation. :headbange

Anaya 09-24-2018 04:21 AM

So sorry to hear what's happening with your parent, wildflower 70.

I continue to make and keep boundaries, it's helpful for me - in that the toxic members of my large family won't get to me so much anymore.

I like your avatar! A good message.

BriarSkye 11-24-2018 06:00 AM

Parents who continue to give money to addicts/alcoholics are causing
serious harm to themselves and the entire family. Everyone is compromised.
Even If the addict/alcoholic gets clean after many years of substance abuse,
the same principle still applies.
It's not burden/responsibility of the family to clean up the mess.

thequest 12-14-2018 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BriarSkye (Post 7062069)
Parents who continue to give money to addicts/alcoholics are causing
serious harm to themselves and the entire family. Everyone is compromised.
Even If the addict/alcoholic gets clean after many years of substance abuse,
the same principle still applies.
It's not burden/responsibility of the family to clean up the mess.

That's what everyone tried telling them, the parent shouldn't have to clean up an adult child's mess. Especially if they helped them with various issues through out the years.

CoffeeBuff 05-25-2019 01:18 PM

Sometimes children and grandchildren are both substance abusers. Parents drinking and smoking pot with adult children is a pattern. Same principle applies to grandchildren. The parents of the grandchildren are trying to unload their dysfunctional, maladjusted active alcoholic/addict kid on the grandparent.

thequest 05-28-2019 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoffeeBuff (Post 7191740)
Sometimes children and grandchildren are both substance abusers. Parents drinking and smoking pot with adult children is a pattern. Same principle applies to grandchildren. The parents of the grandchildren are trying to unload their dysfunctional, maladjusted active alcoholic/addict kid on the grandparent.

I've seen a similar scenario. The alcoholic's step daughter flunked high school, has a juvenile delinquent resume and struggles to hold a job as an adult. He always drank in front of her as did her mom. Along with dumping her on baby sitters so they could to a bar or party. She had to know what was going on.

The addicted parent doing drugs with or in the presence of their young or adult children is not only an ignorant parent but one looking for a friend or approval. The mother in the example I mention views her adult children more like a friend than child. This was the relationship by the daughter's early teens. It's selfishness on the parents part more worried about their emotional desires than the child's well being.

ardy 05-28-2019 08:43 AM

so very true no matter how much someone else pays for the life of another to continue .. its going to harm them both.. we had that happen and talked it over.. and I put my foot down hard.. no what is it you just don't understand No. and now that Eddie Lee has had major heart surgery. our money goes just in one place meds then food then gas so I can go to work to make the money... its hard kids .. but you have to be firm. with the parent and the kid.. No and when it comes from someone that is up at 3:30am and is 69 years old I have backed both Eddie Lee and the kid back into a wall.. I am safe.. life needs to balance for us again. but I am safe. a drink. I am drinking a lot of water to show Eddie Lee it won't kill him.. a fast punch from me now that would be a different story.. steady Clown Steady.. love you all know you are thinking of us. every so often can hear someones voice.... ardy

DontRemember 05-28-2019 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thequest (Post 7193480)
I've seen a similar scenario. The alcoholic's step daughter flunked high school, has a juvenile delinquent resume and struggles to hold a job as an adult. He always drank in front of her as did her mom. Along with dumping her on baby sitters so they could to a bar or party. She had to know what was going on.

The addicted parent doing drugs with or in the presence of their young or adult children is not only an ignorant parent but one looking for a friend or approval. The mother in the example I mention views her adult children more like a friend than child. This was the relationship by the daughter's early teens. It's selfishness on the parents part more worried about their emotional desires than the child's well being.

I gotta ask...Why do you purposely try to stay involved? What are you doing to get yourself in a 'mindset' to stop wasting your time/energy on THEIR drama? Let'em do whatever they want to do. You have zero control in this/these/their situation(s)..I'd spend my time bettering/living my own life..just saying.

thequest 05-29-2019 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DontRemember (Post 7193910)
I gotta ask...Why do you purposely try to stay involved? What are you doing to get yourself in a 'mindset' to stop wasting your time/energy on THEIR drama? Let'em do whatever they want to do. You have zero control in this/these/their situation(s)..I'd spend my time bettering/living my own life..just saying.

Unfortunately various family members and issues has kept myself and others in the vicinity of much of this drama through out the years. It will change by the end of this year fingers crossed.

Things like retirements, moving and other family health issues will put those alcoholics on their own by the end of the year. No more using a senior parent's or family member's house as a crash pad, storage unit, unkept mess or second home they contribute nothing to. They will be forced to ask their friends for a place to sleep when drunk, not sympathetic family. No family will be around for a quick loan or more importantly be worked/set up repetitively for a loan they'll never pay back. For the first time in the alcoholic's life as 1/2 century old adult they will be on their own and away from several preferred enablers. No more "quick" rides to the shopping district where they call for a ride from a bar 4-12 hours later. Because of the moving they'll be forced to get many of their bills, cars and insurance in their very own name at their current address with no one fronting money/paying for them. More importantly many will not have to experience their life on a daily basis because they simply will not be present. Changes are coming.

hopeful4 06-06-2019 02:10 PM

Thus enabling the addict protected them from their own consequences which enabled them to continue with the bad behavior and never accept they had to make a change.

thequest 06-08-2019 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopeful4 (Post 7200046)
Thus enabling the addict protected them from their own consequences which enabled them to continue with the bad behavior and never accept they had to make a change.

That's basically what happened with family no matter how small or inconsequential the enabling seemed. But even when there were no favors like rides coming from family his gf would travel 20 miles to pick him up at or take him to a local bar. And when out of money his buddies/drinking buddies made sure he had plenty to drink or use.

If one didn't/ doesn't enable or validate his behavior he's always seemed to find someone who does-he even points out/boasts so and so had a dui too like it 's a badge of honor. And probably why his circle of friends changes every few years and get younger and younger now hanging out with people half his age.


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