Flower123

For 10 years I have tried to get help for my son with his addictions....pot,cocaine, alcohol and opiades.
He has stolen lied and used substances in my home since he was 15...

At 25 he has already been arrested three maybe 4 times.
He cried yesterday when he called from the police station and swore he would do anything if I could help him.
I said no to him.
As far as I know he is in custody now.

Its been crazy since that call yesterday... he isn't going to make bail and his assault charge will probably land him a couple months of jail time.
I feel like I'm deserting him and he has threatened suicide...I can't bare the pain...how can I let go of my guilt?

Spence7471

Guilt is a natural feeling... but you did the right thing by saying no and continuing to let his actions have the consequences that they should. You can not help him, and it is only thru his own desire to get clean that he will do so and stay so. Continue supporting him and his effort to recover by just being there.

tomsteve

welcome,flower. threatening this,that,and the other is quite common for addicts/alkies. Lord knows i did it quite a few times when someone wouldnt do what i wanted them to.
and here i still am( although clean and sober now).

i applaud you for making a very tough decision in not bailing him out
how to let go fo the guilt- what are you feeling guily about? because hes in jail,because you havent been able to help him get clean, or something else?

Flower123

[QUOTE=Spence7471;6797775]Guilt is a natural feeling... but you did the right thing by saying no and continuing to let his actions have the consequences that they should. You can not help him, and it is only thru his own desire to get clean that he will do so and stay so. Continue supporting him and his effort to recover by just being there.[/QUOTE

..letting him continue with his choices and behaviour, I can do.
However how do I still remain a support to my son ?

My job is helping homeless ,substance users and people with other addictions.
I do well and help a lot of people. It's ironic I don't have a clue with helping my son.

Flower123

I keep thinking about when he was little and we had no money. I remember how happy to share so many experiences with my son.

Now when I do see him, I don't recognize him...He is angry, self entitled and disrespectful.
I want to go back in time.
Where did that little blonde boy go who made me laugh and was so affectionate and loving?

Seren

Hello Flower, and Welcome!

I am so sorry to hear about your son. Often, what is best for the people we love--what is in their best, long-term interest, is what is most painful for us.

What brought me to SR one night many years ago was my stepson. He is an alcoholic, a crack addict, will take whatever he can get his hands on, and has recently added heroin to the mix. He has been in jail, in prison, homeless, wrecked 2 cars, been tasered by drug dealers. He has been to meetings, offered therapy and refused, went to rehab, went to sober living, has been through countless jobs. Still, he makes unfortunate choices.

My late husband and I had to finally let him go and live his own life. It was his right to decide how he wanted to live it. Our intervening at every crisis was not allowing him the dignity to learn what it means to handle the consequences of his own actions. To live as an adult and be responsible for himself. His whole family, sisters, father, late mother, brothers, would all step in to rescue him. So, he never had to learn to be responsible for himself. Instead, the whole family just hovered around him--their lives completely wrapped up in whatever his next drama turned out to be. Addiction truly is a family disorder.

So far, this has been going on for 10 years with no signs of stopping, right? If you rescue him from jail right now, what do you think will happen. Do you honestly believe he will finally grasp sobriety with both hands as though it is the most important thing in his life? Because that is what it takes to obtain and maintain sobriety.

Or, do you think he will tell himself that it was no big deal because he was rescued again?

I know your fear and your pain. Regardless of what you decide you should do, we will be here to support you. I hope you will be able to get some rest tonight. I hope tomorrow will dawn a bit brighter. I am sending many prayers and good thoughts your way for peace and clarity.

Flower123

For the first time in a long time I was reading and feeling a sense of relief....
You know my pain.
Thank you for your kind and comforting words.
Means so much.

Eddiebuckle

The difference is that your work is an arms-length transaction. It is virtually impossible to be objective when you are dealing with a loved one in active addiction.

When your son chooses sobriety for sobriety's sake rather than as a means of mitigating consequences is when things will begin to change. Nothing you do or say will change his choices or outcomes in the meantime. This is his journey.

Codimum

Hello Flower
I totally feel your pain and understand your situation. Everyone here is giving you the best advice for the best possible outcome. You must let your son go now and face the consequences. If you can do that, he has a chance of recovery. If you keep picking him up when he falls, he’ll never walk alone.

I’m having to do this myself right now and it is painful, especially when you have such fond memories of them before the addiction.

However they are now addicts and although our sons, they’re no longer our child... they’re adults. With addiction.

Stay strong and get help for your recovery. Let go of him for both your sakes. I know your pain and I feel it every day too but with each passing day, I am stronger and life is now more peaceful.

Without your interfering in the process and letting him face the consequences of his actions, he has the best chance. Give him that.

Hugs.

Maudcat

Hi, Flower.
Welcome.
I have an alcohol addicted sib who lives with my mother.
She and my father (now deceased) never walked away, never let him fall, always rushed in to fix things when he messed up.
He is now barely functioning, incontinent, mentally scarred from a lifetime of drinking.
It ain’t pretty.
As difficult as it is with a child, it’s best to place him in God’s hands and walk away.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Peace.

Flower123

He is scared now.
My son is faced with 1 year probation with the condition he stay out of trouble.
He created these circumstances.

I can't pick him up again...he has created his own circumstances.

In one way I feel relieved...this may be his bottom.
I am getting really tired of the tears and then the same destructive behaviour not even 24 hours later.
I feel like I'm on a see saw and a block keeps pounding me down to the ground from the other side.

How can I release this constant preoccupation with my son in order to enjoy and be mindful in my job and my new marriage?

D122y

Flowers ,

I relate to the love you have for your son.

I love my son more than anyone else.

From the addict side, your son is in a tough place. He is young, addicted, and still has you to enable him.

Until he is ready to quit he won't. Even if he goes to jail for years, if he doesn't want to quit being an active addict, he will find a way. Additionally, when he gets out, he will start again.

No matter what, I will always love my son. But, I will not enable him. I will throw him out, on the street, if he takes advantage of me.

I will still love him though.

Addicts go insane eventually. I have a coworker that I used to hang around with. He is an active drunk. He was so inconsistent and scary, I stopped being around him. He was acting insane.

I was living in fear around him.

For your consideration.

Thanks.

Codimum

Be careful Flower. I remarried a wonderful man around 20 years ago when my son was 18, but I was so worried about my son that it resulted in me leaving him. My son didn’t care about me and he hardly came to visit me when I was alone. My new husband divorced me. I was so enmeshed with my son - little did I know that my loneliness and his addiction and my codependency would last 20 more years before I’ve finally found the courage to let go.

Maudcat

Flower, I don’t know if your son has reached his bottom.
But it sure sounds as though you have reached yours.
I hope that you can find the incredible strength needed to let him go, with love.
It’s really up to him to find recovery.

Flower123

Blocked my sons' number from both my cell and my husbands cell...he somehow managed to(find) call our home line in the middle of the night.

My son is effecting my relationship with my husband in a very negative way.

We are talking less and when we do talk its mostly about how I'm managing with the drama.

Please how can I stop this wedge that is happening between my partner and I?...I have told Grandma not to give updates or talk about my son to me.

Seren

Hello Flower,

Just today I've learned my stepson is in prison again. Apparently has been for several months...really the best place for him in the long run.

What worked for my late husband and I was to purposefully curtail our conversations about his son to limited time periods. The rest of the time, we made every effort to only talk about other children, work, bills, travel plans, etc. Perhaps you and your husband could have a nice dinner someplace and you can start the evening by saying "we are not allowed to talk about son". And just enjoy the evening in each other's company. One thing I enjoyed doing with my late husband was to ask him to tell me something about himself that he had never mentioned before. It could be from his childhood, his work, his college years, whatever. Learned some interesting things, and it really brought us closer.

Sometimes we know the best thing to do, but we are 'too close' to the situation for see clearly. I hope you can take a breath, take a step back, and just go on a date with your husband.

Sending hugs!

Flower123

As suggested I'm going to a date with my husband, what a good idea.
THAI and a very corny movie...my favourite!
I was telling my friend that I've never felt so much joy in my life... marrying a wonderful an, having a few really good friends, and a wonderful job with meaning and purpose.
All this was before my son resurfaced....this is what gets me 49 years old and I can say I love life and then 1 telephone conversation with my son...chips away at my joie de vivre.....urgh.
I feel like I am such a beginner in this maze of alcohol, addiction and recovery.
I just need more help, in any way shape or form.
I can pray but feel I only pray to God when things are really bad....that I was told in Sunday school was a sin.
So much for that.
I will let go when I begin to understand that it wasn't my parenting necessarily but the way life unravelled for my son....
or am I missing something?

Seren

I am a scientist, but this is not my field...bear that in mind...

I think the causes of addiction are many and varied. Part biology, part environment. There are some members here who struggle with addiction but claim to have come from perfect Norman Rockwell families while others can tell you tales of childhood abuse they suffered that would pierce your heart. Many theories abound and you are probably familiar with them already.

Over my years here at SR, one thing became clear to me. A parent, like you, who has tried so hard to get help for her son is not to blame. I think many of us have enabled our addicted children out of guilt, which certainly does them no good in the long run by not allowing them to be responsible for themselves

Your son is now 25 years old. He is an adult who is legally responsible for his actions and the consequences that result from those actions. You have tried for 10 years to get him the help that he needs to no avail.

My late husband tried to help his son before we even met, and then we both tried to help his son--also to no avail. We realized our relationship, our finances, our safety and security would continue to be in jeopardy if we continued. We weren't willing to lose everything on the altar of his son's addiction. So, we let go.

There was a lot of noise and backlash from his son who complained bitterly and called me every name imaginable. But finally, we had peace.

I rarely talk to my stepson, but I do send him texts (when he has a phone) and emails letting him know I'm thinking about him and that I love him. I pray someday that he will find a way out of his self-made Hell. I pray the same for your son.

Flower123

I am feeling scared.
I 'm scared that will never get well and I will never see him again.

I want to be able to share with my new family by marriage about my son.
They don't even ask me any questions about him...definitely discouraged by my husband.

We are flyng out to see them in a few weeks and again I have nothing to say.
I need to let go the notion that my son will come out of this because waiting for that to happen is crushing me.

Seren

Perhaps during the visit, you could simply ask them questions about what is going on in their lives, hobbies, vacations, work, etc. I have found that helpful because it doesn't require that I talk

It sounds to me that you and your husband have a bit of a disconnect when it comes to dealing with your son? Have you assured him you are trying not to let his addiction be "the topic" of all conversations? How has he responded?

As far as your son is concerned, please try not to awfulize about the future. For now you son is in custody, right? So is my stepson. I figure that as long as he is in custody, he can't get into too much trouble and will be, er, given the time to think about his life.

Breathe, exhale, just take the next hour to occupy your mind doing something else. Clean the grout! It's very therapeutic