Where's her bottom ? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 12-17-2017, 06:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Where's her bottom ?


Stepdaughters life can't get any lower it would seem but going to see her tomorrow to see if anything is different. She's been drinking and drugging from an early age. In the last year she got rid of the useless baby daddy if her 3 kids but almost died at his hands. She had been seeing her new man for a year afraid to tell the abusive BD until he went to rehab . The new guy was just as useless as the former one but he treated her nice. Until they both OD'd on heroin and we're narcaned back to life. She lost custody of the kids who now live her sister 150 miles away. She asked her BF to move out per her caseworker so she could get her kids back eventually. Then she got evicted and while helping her pack up he OD'd and died in her arms. I'm very worried about her and the BFs mom blames her for his death. Her BD says she's missing her drug drops and has tested positive for cocaine twice. I don't plan on doing any enabling when I see her but I cannot believe she doesn't realize how close she is to the cliff. My heart breaks but I know I am powerless in changing her. Just want her to know that if she's ready to change her life I will help her get to get the help she needs. 14 years and still holding out for hope. Merry Christmas.
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Old 12-17-2017, 08:01 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Sissy,

I am sorry to hear about your step daughter. There is very little you can do other than to say you will support your step daughter should she be ready to commit to sobriety.

In the course of my recovery I have met several people in similar circumstances, and sponsored one until recently. Needing to be revived by narcan and cpr were not enough of a wake up call for him and he feels he cannot commit to long term treatment (1-2 years). He just lost his job due to relapse, is on the verge of being homeless, and is dancing on the edge of probation violations so may well be jailed in the near future. It's heartbreaking to work with someone like that, knowing that you apparently are more committed to their sobriety than they are to surviving. I had to cut him loose, and told him to find a sponsor whose advice he was willing to follow. The only positive in this is coming to grips with my limits and learning to accept that I cannot change his choices or protect him from the consequences of his active addiction.

I pray for those who suffer in active addiction, and those who love them.
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Old 12-19-2017, 05:16 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Just got back from a visit to stepdaughters. Did a little Christmas shopping and hanging out. She called in to see if she had to do a drug test and when she found out no drop she had me stop at a gas station. I thought for smokes but she came out with a bottle of ice tea and a pint of whiskey she pulled from her purse and mixed into the ice tea. Losing her kids and having her boyfriend die has had no real effect on her. She told me she is already checking out a new guy that she was communicating with before her BF died. In fact, the BF blocked this guy from her phone suspecting something. She is so selfish and unsympathetic now she is becoming sociopathic. She is crashing now at a fellow coworkers house who is struggling with alcohol. She said she had an episode at work where her brain stopped functioning, basically a blackout. I love this lost little girl so much but need to go no contact again before she destroys what's left of my sanity. I can't save her and can't change her even though it it what I want more than anything else in this world. Addiction is truly a curse to all those involved. My condolences to any that find themselves in my situation. My soul cries for us all.
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Old 12-22-2017, 01:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Sending you hugs Sissy. Detaching is the way I finally found my sanity, and many times and tries later, my son is getting out of his addiction cycle all thanks to him and not to me. It was so hard during the times I was in contact and he wasnt' sober, I finally decided that no contact when he is not in recovery is really the only way I could keep my sanity.
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Old 12-22-2017, 02:52 PM   #5 (permalink)
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it's difficult, but we must remember that others get to make their own choices about how they live their lives. EVEN WHEN they continue to make the worst choices possible. she knows HELP is available, she had had many many chances to turn right instead of left. but today........she does not. she may........someday..........or she may keep on the path of destruction. it's best to observe from a safe distance....safe for YOU.....with detachment and with love.
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Old 12-25-2017, 09:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks to all for the kind and wise responses. I realize that no contact is the only way to cope with my AD. I broke it when I texted her after her BF died and she in her manipulative brilliance reeled me in like the sucker that I still can be towards her. Her chemical madness cannot be interrupted by anyone but her. I'm so tired of banging my thick head against all the walls she's erected to keep any loving or health seeking persons from getting to her. Addiction is a true form of insanity.
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Old 12-25-2017, 07:27 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Understand completely Sissyfuss, been down the same road many times. No contact is the only way for me to get by too.
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Old 12-25-2017, 11:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Ugh I feel you. My daughter is spiraling and I have to do whatever it takes to not have me drawn in with her.
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Old 12-28-2017, 10:37 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Big giant hugs to everyone who is letting their loved one find their own way. Being a parent is the HARDEST job in the world, and addiction is completely foreign to the parent's desire to protect their child. Addiction becomes their only focus, and we become pawns in their games. I am supportive to those who are making the choice to control their own destinies and let their loved ones find their way. We are all here for you. Miracles happen on God's time. It took my son 7 plus years. Never give up hope.
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Old 01-09-2018, 06:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Daughter was arrested Sunday. DUI with no license. All agree to not bail her out. A last wake-up call perhaps. Don't dare to hope.
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Old 01-16-2018, 03:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hang in there Sissyfuss. Hoping this is a good step for her to realize her choices come with consequences!
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Old 01-30-2018, 03:37 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Sissyfuss, Not bailing her out was a very good move. Looking back at all my B's troubles, he got his act together after being in jail and not bailed out. He was there for a couple of months and was on the straight and narrow for nearly a year or so afterwards. Unfortunately, he found his way back to drugs and was able to play the system without being detected. The only deterrent that worked for him was the real threat of incarceration.
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Old 01-30-2018, 05:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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My sibling went through something like this during my teenage years. Not heroin but running away, acting out, drinking and drugging, teen pregnancy.

I was the younger sibling still at home, watching my parents go through the pain of not knowing where she was at, who she was with, what she was doing. Day after day. I saw their devastation. I lived with it.

They devoted all their time and energy to her issues. My mother was depressed.

I don't blame them for not being available to me. Any parent would do the same, for sure. And they didn't go to meetings or reach out for support. It was hard. A very sad time in my life.

During that time, my parents were of course saddened by my sibling's behavior. I became a caretaker to them, sitting up with my mother at night, worrying, or listening to my father's anger and pain as he told me what my sister was up to.

I'm in 50's now, recovering from addiction. To all you parents with more than one child, I ask you to remember the children still at home. The one who is self-destructing? You can't do anything about them until they choose to ask for help.

But the ones still at home or who are still healthy enough to make better choices for themselves in the future? Those are the kids who might SEEM to be functioning okay, and you might be tempted to believe they don't need much help, but they do.

They need your love and support as much as the acting-out child needs loving detachment.
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Old 01-30-2018, 06:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hang in there Sissy!
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Old 02-01-2018, 06:53 AM   #15 (permalink)
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My daughter got out of jail after two weeks but faces another stint over her DUI. There is a custody hearing in two weeks and it looks like the baby daddy will get the the three children which everyone doubts he can handle. Guess I'll be involved in providing for my grandchildren which is fine. Daughter told her mother that we can come and visit as long as we don't bring up rehab which I thought she might finally be ready to try. She dried out in jail but she learned nothing it seems. Wants to stay where she is with the same loser friends but has no job and is crashing with a couple who are struggling with alcohol. After spending 20 of her 35 years in a drug and alcohol coma her mind seems totally trashed. They say there's always hope if she's still breathing but I'm beginning to wonder. Going no contact again and spending all my love and treasure on my grandchildren as we face life without her.
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