Power123

I am up at 3am my alcoholic sister has just taken a wee all over the bedroom floor in my house, my daughter came home from a night out to urine dripping down through the kitchen ceiling and through the light!! I took my sister in to live with me over a year ago after she had yet another drunken crash and got into debt. This is just the latest thing that's happened. I'm torn between trying to help and asking her to leave? I have asked her not to bring vodka in my house on a number of occasions. She goes missing, she drink drives, hospital visits, she breaks my stuff and barricades herself in her room and refuses to speak to me. I have asked her to come down and clear up...no sign of her??? I've been to services with her, gp and AA (she's not been back and didn't go to an apt tue with services). Please help I'm not sleeping, it's effecting my work and my daughter.

Maudcat

Hi, Power.
Welcome.
Time for her to go, I think.
Hard decision, I know.
But honestly, her living with you isn't helping her.
Or you.

tomsteve

glad youre here, Power.
its gotta be tough, but think of this:
is allowing her to live there- with no boundaries or consequences for her actions- enabling her to continue the same destructive behavior?
is allowing her to live there good for your daughter and you.
will allowing her to continue to live there going to help you sleep? help your work improve? stop effecting your daughter?

if nothing changes then nothing changes.

Power123

Thank you Maudcat and Tomsteve, it's been a long day and night, came home to no clean up or attempt to rectify damage, completely out of it again! She was asked to leave and stay else where and I would speak to her in a few days, eventually I was left with no choice but to ask police to attend and remove from house as she became aggressive. Fortunately I had the support of friends and family.Feeling very sad but I know did the right thing. She sent me a kiss in a text once she was in the police car.

Maudcat

Yep. Hate to get the police involved, but sometimes it's the only way.
Stay strong. Don't let her come back.
Change the locks if you have to.
This is your window of opportunity to be free, and maybe, just maybe, she will get some help.

tomsteve

it hurts, but you did the right thing for everyone involved.
you didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.

Power, i strongly encourage you to look into alanon or CoDA meetings. i think the programs and people there would help you tremendously.

Power123

Thank you for your comments. Things are being packed up, I know I need to do this if she stands any chance of getting well and I hope with all my heart she does. I have been considering the meetings, just felt it was another thing to add to my life that has already been revolving around her. I've not heard from her today but I have her car keys, so I expect her to contact soon. I know I can't save her and I have to save us instead.

atalose

I do not mean this in a mean way…………how has your “help” this past year actually helped your sister?

Do you require her to pay you rent? Do you require her to pay for her damages? Or does that money go into her pocket instead so that she can purchase more booze?

tomsteve

i think there may be a misconception of what alanon and CoDA meetings are for maybe? there dont revolve around the addict/alcoholic- they revolve around the loved friends/family of the alcoholic/addict. they are for the loved ones to learn about themselves and how to heal and change.

Power123

Yes my sister has had to pay a share of rent etc. and damages, i.e.:she turned my daughters chest freezer off when drunk, ruined her food and had to give her £100 to replace it all. I tried to help with gp and AA and services, I'm sure I've been enabling her and I do recognise that, I'm sure it's something that anyone living with an alcoholic does even if they don't mean to, until they recognise it. Really I tried to help by offering her my support and love and I know it's not enough. I have already told her in the last week that I will no longer help or try and get her to get help but I will be here for her when she gets it herself.

atalose

I agree, I think you would benefit a lot by checking out al-anon meetings in your area. It is for the family/friends of alcoholics.

And you are right, we do not mean to enable but often in the end that's what happens if we are left untreated or knowledgeable regarding it.

Power123

Thank you, regarding meetings, I am aware there may be a misconception around them, however, I meant by revolving around her, that it would be something I wouldn't do if it wasn't for her, using my time, my feelings and costing me financially with feul costs. I am really grateful though to be able to talk on here and feel listened to and I'm certainly not ruling them out, I know where my local ones are and when and I research help a lot....what we do without the Internet! Thank you so much for all of you taking time out to respond to me.

tomsteve

im confused- are you saying you wont go to meetings because it would be about helping you and not about helping her?

Power123

Sorry I think I have not worded how I feel well, I am not saying I won't go and I considering going, I just feel like I want a little of me back, just a little slice of my life when it's there to be what I need, my time out is having a coffee or lunch with my family and friends. I have had other help from a professional where I work who specialises in drugs and alcohol. I'm not saying no though, I'm just exhausted right now, I feel so sad and it's easy to type this but not so easy to join a meeting x I'm usually a happy person and right now I just keep crying and feel so overwhelmed.

Power123

Maybe ive not answered your question well! I guess, though I know meetings are for me, I feel the implications of them are because of her! My needing to go is because of her! I just want my life back is that so bad. Thank you for challenging me with those questions though, it really helps me and I really appreciate it, even though it's hard to hear!

Maudcat

I hear you, Power.
Sometimes we just want it to be about us, not the alcoholic.
Funnily enough, Al-Anon meetings are all about us.
But listen, work on keeping your boundaries with your sister so she doesn't come crashing back.
Oh, wait.
Meetings can help with that too.
Not being flip here. Meetings can help, but only if you are ready for them.
Good luck. Keep posting. Here when you need us.

tomsteve

its all good- im easily confused.
it isnt bad ya WANT your life back- im actually smiling to see ya type ya WANT it back.
i dont think anything wouldnt have gotten through my head if
- the message was sugar coated
- i wasnt challenged with questions about me.

not only easily confused, im a little stubborn and hard headed.

Power123

Thank you all, I've been unwell since she left, I've felt guilty, worried, useless, but I've also felt free! I've been able to go out, without fear of what I'm going to find on my return, I've been able to sleep! My next job is to fix all the damage and adjust my life! Big stuff but I can do it! I'm angry she hasn't apologised to me or my daughter, she hurt her before she left! I know it's never an alcoholics fault!! Thank you so much to you all, this opportunity to just say what I feel means so much.

Power123

Thought I would do an update. So sister no longer living with me, my house is calm 😃I've realised boundaries, looking after yourself and not rescuing are good things! Of course I still worry when I get an unrecognised number, don't know her address and worry abt when the call will come for another accident! Hope with all my heart it never does. Thank you to all those that replied on here, it kept me sane in the maddest of moments. I hope that my story will give others the strength to have boundaries, they are so important. If my sister ever finds the strength to get help, I will always be there but I've learnt they have to help themselves first. Thank you all

Maudcat

Thanks for the update, Power.
Glad things are calm.