Ex wife in rehab
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Seren 
Hello Matt,
I hope and pray that your wife will really grab hold of this recovery opportunity she has with both hands.
How she will feel after 28 days in a rehab facility is pretty big unknown. I don't know if the center where she is receiving treatment has family days or not. If it does, perhaps you will be able to visit at that time.
One thing I have learned over the years is that love is not a feeling. It's an action, a decision that I make every day when I wake up to work for the benefit of the beloved. Not, how I feel or how much I want to be needed. What is best for this person that I have chosen to love?
Right now, it sound as though she is where she needs to be to get a good start on her recovery. I hope that it will continue.
I can't guarantee that she will ever acknowledge how much she has hurt her family or whether she will ever apologize and try to make amends. Only time will tell that.
I wish you and your daughter much peace. I will pray for you all.
I hope and pray that your wife will really grab hold of this recovery opportunity she has with both hands.
How she will feel after 28 days in a rehab facility is pretty big unknown. I don't know if the center where she is receiving treatment has family days or not. If it does, perhaps you will be able to visit at that time.
One thing I have learned over the years is that love is not a feeling. It's an action, a decision that I make every day when I wake up to work for the benefit of the beloved. Not, how I feel or how much I want to be needed. What is best for this person that I have chosen to love?
Right now, it sound as though she is where she needs to be to get a good start on her recovery. I hope that it will continue.
I can't guarantee that she will ever acknowledge how much she has hurt her family or whether she will ever apologize and try to make amends. Only time will tell that.
I wish you and your daughter much peace. I will pray for you all.
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What if the amends never come, Matt? What if she decides that staying your ex is what she needs to move forward?
I am not saying that it will happen, but if it were me, these are things I would need to think about in order to protect myself and my child.
I am not saying that it will happen, but if it were me, these are things I would need to think about in order to protect myself and my child.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Seren
What if the amends never come, Matt? What if she decides that staying your ex is what she needs to move forward?
I am not saying that it will happen, but if it were me, these are things I would need to think about in order to protect myself and my child.
I am not saying that it will happen, but if it were me, these are things I would need to think about in order to protect myself and my child.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Seren
What if the amends never come, Matt? What if she decides that staying your ex is what she needs to move forward?
I am not saying that it will happen, but if it were me, these are things I would need to think about in order to protect myself and my child.
I am not saying that it will happen, but if it were me, these are things I would need to think about in order to protect myself and my child.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Matt5150
But if she is using the program doesn't she have to make amends and of she doesn't should I worry that she is not sincere in her recovery? This is all new to me So please don't think I'm an idiot.
The steps and everything in AA is a suggestion. SHE has to want to recover.
You may or may not ever get an, "I'm sorry." That's not how AA works. No one will (or would be able to) force her to do anything. Even if she does everything perfectly, you may not get an amends. Let go of that idea. That's an expectation, and expectations unfullfilled are resentments. Toxic emotion for you.
Do you get that no one can make your ex recover, want to recover, try to recover, recover in XXX number of days?
It may be years before she can string together any sober time outside of treatment. It may be she stays sober for a few months and goes back to it, it may be she goes back in ten years. It may be that she dies of this after trying to be sober and not being able. Of course, she may dive right in and stay sober forever, that is the prayer. There are no - ZERO - guarantees here. Read around the forums and see how likely it is that she will go back to drinking in time. Forever recovery is a difficult thing even in long-time AA attendees and not many get it the first time. There are a lot of relapses after rehab and amongst AA members. It's just the nature of addiction. She may have much further to fall. I certainly hope not.
You need to get your own mind straight.
You have to be enough for yourself, regardless of what she does.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Yes, forgive me for not being clear...I'm a bit like that sometimes 
You see, I have never been married to someone who suffers from addiction. I have only experienced it in a variety of family members like grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, my sister, my stepson.
So I really don't have any personal experience with a spouse in rehab to share. I can only meekly comment that if I were in your shoes (spouse in rehab from whom I was divorced and who was abusive to me and our child for years), I would first seek to protect my child and myself from further damage. I would likely be extremely cautious around my former and in allowing our child any unsupervised visitation time....I do not know how old your child is.
You see, I have never been married to someone who suffers from addiction. I have only experienced it in a variety of family members like grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, my sister, my stepson.
So I really don't have any personal experience with a spouse in rehab to share. I can only meekly comment that if I were in your shoes (spouse in rehab from whom I was divorced and who was abusive to me and our child for years), I would first seek to protect my child and myself from further damage. I would likely be extremely cautious around my former and in allowing our child any unsupervised visitation time....I do not know how old your child is.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Seren
Yes, forgive me for not being clear...I'm a bit like that sometimes
You see, I have never been married to someone who suffers from addiction. I have only experienced it in a variety of family members like grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, my sister, my stepson.
So I really don't have any personal experience with a spouse in rehab to share. I can only meekly comment that if I were in your shoes (spouse in rehab from whom I was divorced and who was abusive to me and our child for years), I would first seek to protect my child and myself from further damage. I would likely be extremely cautious around my former and in allowing our child any unsupervised visitation time....I do not know how old your child is.
You see, I have never been married to someone who suffers from addiction. I have only experienced it in a variety of family members like grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, my sister, my stepson.
So I really don't have any personal experience with a spouse in rehab to share. I can only meekly comment that if I were in your shoes (spouse in rehab from whom I was divorced and who was abusive to me and our child for years), I would first seek to protect my child and myself from further damage. I would likely be extremely cautious around my former and in allowing our child any unsupervised visitation time....I do not know how old your child is.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
"The Program."
The steps and everything in AA is a suggestion. SHE has to want to recover.
You may or may not ever get an, "I'm sorry." That's not how AA works. No one will (or would be able to) force her to do anything. Even if she does everything perfectly, you may not get an amends. Let go of that idea. That's an expectation, and expectations unfullfilled are resentments. Toxic emotion for you.
Do you get that no one can make your ex recover, want to recover, try to recover, recover in XXX number of days?
It may be years before she can string together any sober time outside of treatment. It may be she stays sober for a few months and goes back to it, it may be she goes back in ten years. It may be that she dies of this after trying to be sober and not being able. Of course, she may dive right in and stay sober forever, that is the prayer. There are no - ZERO - guarantees here. Read around the forums and see how likely it is that she will go back to drinking in time. Forever recovery is a difficult thing even in long-time AA attendees and not many get it the first time. There are a lot of relapses after rehab and amongst AA members. It's just the nature of addiction. She may have much further to fall. I certainly hope not.
You need to get your own mind straight.
You have to be enough for yourself, regardless of what she does.
The steps and everything in AA is a suggestion. SHE has to want to recover.
You may or may not ever get an, "I'm sorry." That's not how AA works. No one will (or would be able to) force her to do anything. Even if she does everything perfectly, you may not get an amends. Let go of that idea. That's an expectation, and expectations unfullfilled are resentments. Toxic emotion for you.
Do you get that no one can make your ex recover, want to recover, try to recover, recover in XXX number of days?
It may be years before she can string together any sober time outside of treatment. It may be she stays sober for a few months and goes back to it, it may be she goes back in ten years. It may be that she dies of this after trying to be sober and not being able. Of course, she may dive right in and stay sober forever, that is the prayer. There are no - ZERO - guarantees here. Read around the forums and see how likely it is that she will go back to drinking in time. Forever recovery is a difficult thing even in long-time AA attendees and not many get it the first time. There are a lot of relapses after rehab and amongst AA members. It's just the nature of addiction. She may have much further to fall. I certainly hope not.
You need to get your own mind straight.
You have to be enough for yourself, regardless of what she does.
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Nothing you do or say will 'make' her relapse Matt.
Her inability to cope with your decisions on custody might make her drink again, but only if she's not working a strong programme.
You can't parent your child on the basis of what might make your wife/ex drink, man.
As for amends I think I saw a few others say amends are at the tail end of the 12 steps for a reason.
You can't tread water waiting for them to come.
D
Her inability to cope with your decisions on custody might make her drink again, but only if she's not working a strong programme.
You can't parent your child on the basis of what might make your wife/ex drink, man.
As for amends I think I saw a few others say amends are at the tail end of the 12 steps for a reason.
You can't tread water waiting for them to come.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Dee74
Nothing you do or say will 'make' her relapse Matt.
Her inability to cope with your decisions on custody might make her drink again, but only if she's not working a strong programme.
You can't parent your child on the basis of what might make your wife/ex drink, man.
As for amends I think I saw a few others say amends are at the tail end of the 12 steps for a reason.
You can't tread water waiting for them to come.
D
Her inability to cope with your decisions on custody might make her drink again, but only if she's not working a strong programme.
You can't parent your child on the basis of what might make your wife/ex drink, man.
As for amends I think I saw a few others say amends are at the tail end of the 12 steps for a reason.
You can't tread water waiting for them to come.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Matt5150
I'm sorry I'm not trying to be argumentative or play semantics but if she is in aa and using the 12 steps and does not try to make amends with me I will be very suspicious that she is not taking her sobriety seriously.
I had a pretty awful relationship with my mother. I tried for quite some time to "get her" to apologize for some pretty awful stuff. I finally gave up that folly.
In her lifetime she rarely admitted to anyone that she ever made a mistake. It was always someone else's fault or she just conveniently had no memory of events. It is what it is, my friend. AA is a free program with suggested things to do. No one pays, no one is in charge and no one can "make" anyone do anything as far as the Steps or meetings or having a sponsor or whether they drink or not or anything else recovery-related. She would be free to do or not do, and no one would kick her out.
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This IS judgmental, but your focus on your ex-wife's recovery is not helpful to anyone (her, you, your daughter) . . . I understand that you have a motive for wanting her to work the program a certain way, but you are setting yourself up for lots of disappointment.
If she is your ex, she is an ex for a reason. If you have custody of your daughter, focus your energies there and let rehab deal with your ex-wife . . . I am not sure why you think that your involvement in her recovery could be helpful . . .it is a very skewed stance.
If she is your ex, she is an ex for a reason. If you have custody of your daughter, focus your energies there and let rehab deal with your ex-wife . . . I am not sure why you think that your involvement in her recovery could be helpful . . .it is a very skewed stance.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Boy Matt, I feel like you are telling my story. I am the divorced wife of AXH. I have been stuck emotionally to him since the minute he left. I have wanted to reunite with the healthy person that is in there. (But I'm not sure I ever really saw a healthy person). I remembered all the good times and the love we shared. I have been'sneaking' phone calls and text messages, as we were advised to NOT be in touch with each other. I have tried to play it cool but end up in panic mode thinking he might not return. I divorced him and then almost immediately began 'dangling' my love in front of him. I remembered only the passion and never the problems. I went for two months like that but then I began to understand that I was keeping him from growing, that I was actually ''enabling" him to be crippled and need me as dysfunctionally as he had been needing me in our marriage, and I him. I realized that he needed to be separate from me completely so he could do his program, what he needed to do to recover. And I had plenty to do too. I didn't cause his alcoholism but I sure enabled it. If I don't change my ways and my perspective, even if he came back, I won't be a help to him. Yes, there is a chance he could move on. Maybe he will. But if he does, it's best for him and ultimately best for me too. It is so hard, but letting go is the best, healthiest thing I could do for him and for me. My story.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
Please don't take it that way. Its impossible for me to see it your way. I'm not recovering. I admire your strength and appreciate your empathy. I only meant we are all different and handle everything our own way. I'm sorry if I offended you.
I echo what other's have said, 'don't try to fix her, fix yourself'. Let the future play itself out. It is so hard, I know. I have pined for my XAH but when I let go, I really felt free to let him grow and to help myself grow. You HAVE to take yourself out of her equation.
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Matt, in thinking about you wanting your ex wife to do Step 9 in your particular way, I have to ask...you've been going to Al Anon you say. Have you got a sponsor? Have you done the Steps? I think you would find a lot of relief in doing so. It's an intense and cathartic experience that will help you put all this in perspective.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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Sometimes, no matter how much we want something, it just cannot come to pass the way we'd like it to. My suggestion, and I mean this in all gentleness, is to accept that your marriage is over and let your ex wife move on with her life and her recovery. You are asking her for something that she probably will not be able (or even want to give you) for a very long time. I was in the same situation. I wanted my wife and family back more than life itself, but there came a time when I had to accept that what I wanted wasn't ever going to happen. She was never going to apologize, and she was never going to feel the way I wanted her to feel about me. For the sake of your child and yourself, prepare yourself for life without her. I'm not saying miracles don't happen, because they do, but if you live your life waiting and expecting one to happen to make you happy, life is going to pass you by and be a disappointing place for you. Hugs to you my friend. I know how much it hurts. I really do.
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