Ex wife in rehab
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
matt, i truly wish you the best on your journey and hope you start focusing on you AND your daughter.
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Well, I hope you can find a way to deal with your resentments and need for validation, Matt, but I think trying to get all that from her (or anyone else but yourself) will be like going to the hardware store for bread. I wish you and your daughter the best.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Well, I hope you can find a way to deal with your resentments and need for validation, Matt, but I think trying to get all that from her (or anyone else but yourself) will be like going to the hardware store for bread. I wish you and your daughter the best.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
Thanks. Sorry we dont see eye to eye. Can I ask you something? Are you the victim of an alcoholic or are you the alcoholic that victimized people?
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
one last thing:
IF i still had untreated codependency, i guarantee we would be seeing eye to eye.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
double winner- meaning both.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
double winner- meaning both.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by tomsteve
double winner- meaning both.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
one last thing:
IF i still had untreated codependency, i guarantee we would be seeing eye to eye.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.
i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.
considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.
one last thing:
IF i still had untreated codependency, i guarantee we would be seeing eye to eye.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
there could be some truth if it hurt.
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt- both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
and that was EXACTLY how i needed the message delivered. THAT is how it got through the layers and layers of denial. THAT is how i was able to accept the truth about me.
and those people that delivered the message honestly and with depth and weight?
they did it becuase they cared about me. if they didnt care, they would have just let me suffer tellin me what i wanted to hear and not what i needed to hear.
i owe them my life.i owe them my happiness, my serenity, my peace, and the greatest thing:
i owe them for helping me be comfortable in my own skin.
one of the greatest bits of information i was given when when treating the codependency and greatful i was able to accept:
i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt- both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
and that was EXACTLY how i needed the message delivered. THAT is how it got through the layers and layers of denial. THAT is how i was able to accept the truth about me.
and those people that delivered the message honestly and with depth and weight?
they did it becuase they cared about me. if they didnt care, they would have just let me suffer tellin me what i wanted to hear and not what i needed to hear.
i owe them my life.i owe them my happiness, my serenity, my peace, and the greatest thing:
i owe them for helping me be comfortable in my own skin.
one of the greatest bits of information i was given when when treating the codependency and greatful i was able to accept:
i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i went thru recovery twice.....first time a single mom of a 4 year old - i didn't have an external loving support system, nobody watched over me, i saddled up and headed to the nearest AA meeting and got busy.
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?
yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.
The last thing someone who is sick with alcoholism wants is to be labeled and have fingers pointed at them isn't that what you are doing? claiming yourself as her victim? demanding apologies? putting sole blame for the end of your marriage on her????
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?
yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.
The last thing someone who is sick with alcoholism wants is to be labeled and have fingers pointed at them isn't that what you are doing? claiming yourself as her victim? demanding apologies? putting sole blame for the end of your marriage on her????
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Posts: 69
Originally Posted by tomsteve
there could be some truth if it hurt.
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt- both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
and that was EXACTLY how i needed the message delivered. THAT is how it got through the layers and layers of denial. THAT is how i was able to accept the truth about me.
and those people that delivered the message honestly and with depth and weight?
they did it becuase they cared about me. if they didnt care, they would have just let me suffer tellin me what i wanted to hear and not what i needed to hear.
i owe them my life.i owe them my happiness, my serenity, my peace, and the greatest thing:
i owe them for helping me be comfortable in my own skin.
one of the greatest bits of information i was given when when treating the codependency and greatful i was able to accept:
i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt- both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
and that was EXACTLY how i needed the message delivered. THAT is how it got through the layers and layers of denial. THAT is how i was able to accept the truth about me.
and those people that delivered the message honestly and with depth and weight?
they did it becuase they cared about me. if they didnt care, they would have just let me suffer tellin me what i wanted to hear and not what i needed to hear.
i owe them my life.i owe them my happiness, my serenity, my peace, and the greatest thing:
i owe them for helping me be comfortable in my own skin.
one of the greatest bits of information i was given when when treating the codependency and greatful i was able to accept:
i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i went thru recovery twice.....first time a single mom of a 4 year old - i didn't have an external loving support system, nobody watched over me, i saddled up and headed to the nearest AA meeting and got busy.
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i went thru recovery twice.....first time a single mom of a 4 year old - i didn't have an external loving support system, nobody watched over me, i saddled up and headed to the nearest AA meeting and got busy.
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?
yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?
yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i went thru recovery twice.....first time a single mom of a 4 year old - i didn't have an external loving support system, nobody watched over me, i saddled up and headed to the nearest AA meeting and got busy.
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?
yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.
The last thing someone who is sick with alcoholism wants is to be labeled and have fingers pointed at them isn't that what you are doing? claiming yourself as her victim? demanding apologies? putting sole blame for the end of your marriage on her????
years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.
Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?
yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.
The last thing someone who is sick with alcoholism wants is to be labeled and have fingers pointed at them isn't that what you are doing? claiming yourself as her victim? demanding apologies? putting sole blame for the end of your marriage on her????
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Matt5150
You may want to consider that what doesn't hurt you may hurt others. .
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt -both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
????????????????????
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Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Someone must have loved you enough to help you with your child.
no, not really. i took her to meetings with me a lot of the time. her dad had her on weekends, but that was part of the parenting plan. he didn't know about my drinking problem. i had no siblings, and an alcoholic mother. so NO, no one swooped in on the Love Jet and rescued me.....i owned my own recovery.
no, not really. i took her to meetings with me a lot of the time. her dad had her on weekends, but that was part of the parenting plan. he didn't know about my drinking problem. i had no siblings, and an alcoholic mother. so NO, no one swooped in on the Love Jet and rescued me.....i owned my own recovery.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
didnt i type
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt -both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
????????????????????
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt -both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
????????????????????
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Someone must have loved you enough to help you with your child.
no, not really. i took her to meetings with me a lot of the time. her dad had her on weekends, but that was part of the parenting plan. he didn't know about my drinking problem. i had no siblings, and an alcoholic mother. so NO, no one swooped in on the Love Jet and rescued me.....i owned my own recovery.
no, not really. i took her to meetings with me a lot of the time. her dad had her on weekends, but that was part of the parenting plan. he didn't know about my drinking problem. i had no siblings, and an alcoholic mother. so NO, no one swooped in on the Love Jet and rescued me.....i owned my own recovery.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Is it because I'm not in recovery for alcoholism? Is the basis of recovery telling people that no matter what they did it's ok and there is no need to take responsibility? How does that help?
i never said she was blameless or that her drinking did not bring about the end of your marriage. i was trying to keep the focus on you and your current thinking. what's in your head.
you WANT an apology.
you WANT her better.
you WANT your family restored.
and you are looking to one pretty damaged person (HER) to GIVE you all that, in spades. as the person who hurt you, it might be considered unwise to look to her to heal you. especially not as long as you see yourself as her victim. it gives her way too much power over you - over your happiness and your well being.
i never said she was blameless or that her drinking did not bring about the end of your marriage. i was trying to keep the focus on you and your current thinking. what's in your head.
you WANT an apology.
you WANT her better.
you WANT your family restored.
and you are looking to one pretty damaged person (HER) to GIVE you all that, in spades. as the person who hurt you, it might be considered unwise to look to her to heal you. especially not as long as you see yourself as her victim. it gives her way too much power over you - over your happiness and your well being.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
Is it because I'm not in recovery for alcoholism? Is the basis of recovery telling people that no matter what they did it's ok and there is no need to take responsibility? How does that help?
i never said she was blameless or that her drinking did not bring about the end of your marriage. i was trying to keep the focus on you and your current thinking. what's in your head.
you WANT an apology.
you WANT her better.
you WANT your family restored.
and you are looking to one pretty damaged person (HER) to GIVE you all that, in spades. as the person who hurt you, it might be considered unwise to look to her to heal you. especially not as long as you see yourself as her victim. it gives her way too much power over you - over your happiness and your well being.
i never said she was blameless or that her drinking did not bring about the end of your marriage. i was trying to keep the focus on you and your current thinking. what's in your head.
you WANT an apology.
you WANT her better.
you WANT your family restored.
and you are looking to one pretty damaged person (HER) to GIVE you all that, in spades. as the person who hurt you, it might be considered unwise to look to her to heal you. especially not as long as you see yourself as her victim. it gives her way too much power over you - over your happiness and your well being.
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