Thanks. Sorry we dont see eye to eye. Can I ask you something? Are you the victim of an alcoholic or are you the alcoholic that victimized people?

Well, I hope you can find a way to deal with your resentments and need for validation, Matt, but I think trying to get all that from her (or anyone else but yourself) will be like going to the hardware store for bread. I wish you and your daughter the best.

Do you think it's important for a person in recovery to hear supportive words and words of forgiveness from those they love?

double winner- meaning both.
but i am NOT a victim. i was a volunteer.

i used the victim mentality a LOT when i was drinking.
it helped keep me stay sick and drunk.

considering yourself a victim isnt going to help.
but it does shed some light on what youre true motive is.

one last thing:
IF i still had untreated codependency, i guarantee we would be seeing eye to eye.

I'm assuming you went through recovery and are hopefully sober. Wasn't it important for you to get positive affirmation from those you loved?

Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?

Its sad. The last thing someone who is sick with alcoholism wants is to be labeled and have fingers pointed at them but it seems that it's easy for you to do just that to people and it is a bit hurtful. Just saying.

Any comments? Opinions?

there could be some truth if it hurt.
you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt- both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.
and that was EXACTLY how i needed the message delivered. THAT is how it got through the layers and layers of denial. THAT is how i was able to accept the truth about me.
and those people that delivered the message honestly and with depth and weight?
they did it becuase they cared about me. if they didnt care, they would have just let me suffer tellin me what i wanted to hear and not what i needed to hear.
i owe them my life.i owe them my happiness, my serenity, my peace, and the greatest thing:
i owe them for helping me be comfortable in my own skin.

one of the greatest bits of information i was given when when treating the codependency and greatful i was able to accept:

i didnt cause it
cant control it
cant cure it.

i went thru recovery twice.....first time a single mom of a 4 year old - i didn't have an external loving support system, nobody watched over me, i saddled up and headed to the nearest AA meeting and got busy.

years later i lost my focus and started drinking again. that went on for a long time, then i met crack. 4.5 years later i finally got my head out and quit. again without much external support - the whole idea of crack is to keep it a secret - just the support here from others who have been there. 9 years clean now.

Are you saying that I am not a victim? Are you serious?

yes. as an adult, you had choices. that you were hurt by her actions is not in question here, that you feel that she purposefully and intentionally drank to harm you is. you place her in the position of persecutor.

The last thing someone who is sick with alcoholism wants is to be labeled and have fingers pointed at them isn't that what you are doing? claiming yourself as her victim? demanding apologies? putting sole blame for the end of your marriage on her????

You may want to consider that what doesn't hurt you may hurt others. This is all new to me and a bit overwhelming. I'm trying to work it out through therapy al anon and I thought this forum may be helpful. Am I being selfish? Probably. But my feelings from her were neglected for a long time because of her disease. I want to address and be addressed by the sober her.

Someone must have loved you enough to help you with your child.

I don't follow. She had choices as well. She had sometimes days of sobriety but chose to pick up that bottle. All I did was support her and run a family. She is in a sense a persecutor isn't she?

There was nothing else that happened that could have caused the destruction of our marriage but her drinking. Why is that so hard to understand? Is it because I'm not in recovery for alcoholism? Is the basis of recovery telling people that no matter what they did it's ok and there is no need to take responsibility? How does that help?

didnt i type

you wouldnt belive how much i was told that hurt -both when i was getting sober then when i was addressing the codependency.


????????????????????

Someone must have loved you enough to help you with your child.

no, not really. i took her to meetings with me a lot of the time. her dad had her on weekends, but that was part of the parenting plan. he didn't know about my drinking problem. i had no siblings, and an alcoholic mother. so NO, no one swooped in on the Love Jet and rescued me.....i owned my own recovery.

I guess I'm just not understanding the way you structured your idea in your sentence. Sorry.

You are a very strong person. I admire your resolve and strength.

Is it because I'm not in recovery for alcoholism? Is the basis of recovery telling people that no matter what they did it's ok and there is no need to take responsibility? How does that help?

i never said she was blameless or that her drinking did not bring about the end of your marriage. i was trying to keep the focus on you and your current thinking. what's in your head.

you WANT an apology.
you WANT her better.
you WANT your family restored.

and you are looking to one pretty damaged person (HER) to GIVE you all that, in spades. as the person who hurt you, it might be considered unwise to look to her to heal you. especially not as long as you see yourself as her victim. it gives her way too much power over you - over your happiness and your well being.

This may sound pathetic and I'm sorry if it does but I truly feel that she is, right now in my life, other than my daughter, the only person that brings me happiness. Not the drunk woman. The clear sober woman I fell in love with. I am happiest when I am with her. Is that so bad?