Ex wife in rehab
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Originally Posted by Matt5150 
But the disease manifests physically into actions doesn't it? Her actions were not the same when she was sober as when she was drink. 2 different people.
She could have chosen recovery at any time, but instead she chose to ignore what was happening to her family and continue. Thinking of her as two different people--drunk and sober--absolves her of having to deal with the consequences of her addiction and will not help her stay sober at all.
The kindest, most loving thing we can do for others is accept them for exactly who they are, instead of who we wish they were, even if that means we can no longer be a part of their life--either for our well-being or for theirs, or both.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
I do realize that everyday after she gets out will be a struggle for her. I get that. And maybe I am a little lost. Why is it so bad to hold out hope that we can be together and healthy together again? Would it be better if I just turned my back on her and when she struggles to let her struggle alone? She has hurt alot of people and many of them may not want to be there for her to support her. What Are her alternatives then? She will need 24/7 care when she gets out. I will avail myself to her No matter what. She is my EXwife because her disease destroyed our marriage.
who says shes going to be alone? iirc, rehabs dont just toss people out the door without information on where to get support and help- the aftercare.
she will need 24/7 care- who said that? did the rehab say that?
and why?
there is absolutely NOTHING unique with an alcoholic having destroyed relationships and people wanting nothing to do with them.
the BEST support will come from people that have already been in her shoes and have learned how to live life on lifes terms.family and friends is NOT where an alcoholic should be turning to for support or help.
her alternatives are MANY and rehab will help her to locate those places.
what knowledge do you have to help? when past damages come up- and they will- exactly what do you have to say to her about it? what knowledge do you have when fears and insecurities come up?
do you know how to truly, honestly know how to help someone what that happens?
matt, what im reading here, and this is just my opinion, is your using your ex so you dont have to face your own problems.
read around here. theres some great stickies at the top of the forum. some great threads from people that have been in your shoes- people that thought they were the only ones that could save/support the alcoholic in their lives. many threads from people that didnt listen and stayed in denial.
fortunately some of them have made it back. ive read quite a few times,"i wish i would have taken your advice___ years ago. "
then theres the ones that listened. they took the advise.
and healed THEMSELVES.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
AG I truly appreciate the responses. Its hard to be told that how I feel doesn't matter. That the only pain that matters is hers.
the only pain that matters for YOU is your pain.
i think this somewhat shows a little of what i mentioned in my last post- trying to fix/save/rescue her to keep your mind off of what is wrong with yourself.
matt, read through this thread and think of what youd tell someone that is typing what youve been typing.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
you admit you may be lost, so how can you possibly help an alcoholic fresh out of rehab? what knowledge do you have on how to help an alcoholic fresh out of rehab when you arent able to fix yourself?
who says shes going to be alone? iirc, rehabs dont just toss people out the door without information on where to get support and help- the aftercare.
she will need 24/7 care- who said that? did the rehab say that?
and why?
there is absolutely NOTHING unique with an alcoholic having destroyed relationships and people wanting nothing to do with them.
the BEST support will come from people that have already been in her shoes and have learned how to live life on lifes terms.family and friends is NOT where an alcoholic should be turning to for support or help.
her alternatives are MANY and rehab will help her to locate those places.
what knowledge do you have to help? when past damages come up- and they will- exactly what do you have to say to her about it? what knowledge do you have when fears and insecurities come up?
do you know how to truly, honestly know how to help someone what that happens?
matt, what im reading here, and this is just my opinion, is your using your ex so you dont have to face your own problems.
read around here. theres some great stickies at the top of the forum. some great threads from people that have been in your shoes- people that thought they were the only ones that could save/support the alcoholic in their lives. many threads from people that didnt listen and stayed in denial.
fortunately some of them have made it back. ive read quite a few times,"i wish i would have taken your advice___ years ago. "
then theres the ones that listened. they took the advise.
and healed THEMSELVES.
who says shes going to be alone? iirc, rehabs dont just toss people out the door without information on where to get support and help- the aftercare.
she will need 24/7 care- who said that? did the rehab say that?
and why?
there is absolutely NOTHING unique with an alcoholic having destroyed relationships and people wanting nothing to do with them.
the BEST support will come from people that have already been in her shoes and have learned how to live life on lifes terms.family and friends is NOT where an alcoholic should be turning to for support or help.
her alternatives are MANY and rehab will help her to locate those places.
what knowledge do you have to help? when past damages come up- and they will- exactly what do you have to say to her about it? what knowledge do you have when fears and insecurities come up?
do you know how to truly, honestly know how to help someone what that happens?
matt, what im reading here, and this is just my opinion, is your using your ex so you dont have to face your own problems.
read around here. theres some great stickies at the top of the forum. some great threads from people that have been in your shoes- people that thought they were the only ones that could save/support the alcoholic in their lives. many threads from people that didnt listen and stayed in denial.
fortunately some of them have made it back. ive read quite a few times,"i wish i would have taken your advice___ years ago. "
then theres the ones that listened. they took the advise.
and healed THEMSELVES.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
how you feel matters to YOU.
the only pain that matters for YOU is your pain.
i think this somewhat shows a little of what i mentioned in my last post- trying to fix/save/rescue her to keep your mind off of what is wrong with yourself.
matt, read through this thread and think of what youd tell someone that is typing what youve been typing.
the only pain that matters for YOU is your pain.
i think this somewhat shows a little of what i mentioned in my last post- trying to fix/save/rescue her to keep your mind off of what is wrong with yourself.
matt, read through this thread and think of what youd tell someone that is typing what youve been typing.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
But shouldn't it matter to her? Isn't part of her recovery recognizing and acknowledging those she affected?
Which is why everyone here is telling you to focus on yourself and your own healing. So that no matter what she does or when, you can have the happy fulfilling life you deserve (even if that does not look the way you want it to look right now).
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
I appreciate what you have to say. I really do. I just want her back again. I just love her so much. It hurts so bad. Why can't I be support for her?
its your opinion of how that support should be. its rather insane,imo.
that 24/7 comment alone says ya really dont know how to show support.
so, who's supporting YOU at this time?
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Let's put this in a little bit of persective. Making amends is Step NINE of the Twelve Steps referred to in AA and Al-Anon. There's eight steps before she ever gets there and they are no walk in the park for a person facing life on life's terms without their best friend alcohol for the first time. She has to get good with herself before she can be a decent friend, partner, mom, whatever to anyone else. And however you feel about it, she is going to do it on her own timeline.
Which is why everyone here is telling you to focus on yourself and your own healing. So that no matter what she does or when, you can have the happy fulfilling life you deserve (even if that does not look the way you want it to look right now).
Which is why everyone here is telling you to focus on yourself and your own healing. So that no matter what she does or when, you can have the happy fulfilling life you deserve (even if that does not look the way you want it to look right now).
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given TIME she may acknowledge and accept the harm she has caused. but that is not an automatic. that takes TIME. do not expect an amends any time soon.
however you still have to deal with your own feelings and resentments. she can't fix that for you.
this trip to rehab has really stirred up a hornet's nest for you, matt. you rage in one sentence how she destroyed your marriage. and then next that you love her so much and want to help. those are very conflicting emotions, and NOW is the time for you to address them.
your feeling do matter. and those are for you to address head on.
however you still have to deal with your own feelings and resentments. she can't fix that for you.
this trip to rehab has really stirred up a hornet's nest for you, matt. you rage in one sentence how she destroyed your marriage. and then next that you love her so much and want to help. those are very conflicting emotions, and NOW is the time for you to address them.
your feeling do matter. and those are for you to address head on.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
I understand that. She's not going to jump to 9. I think I just need to hear her tell me that my pain is real. That she truly is sorry that she hurt me and our family like she did. I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be a ***** and come across so selfish. In just in a lot of pain. And on top of that I love her. Its not easy.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
its not the support.
its your opinion of how that support should be. its rather insane,imo.
that 24/7 comment alone says ya really dont know how to show support.
so, who's supporting YOU at this time?
its your opinion of how that support should be. its rather insane,imo.
that 24/7 comment alone says ya really dont know how to show support.
so, who's supporting YOU at this time?
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
. But I made a vow to her. A commitment that I would stand by her No matter what.
and if she relapses and gets even worse?
this is just another thing,matt, that is showing how truly lost you are.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
I understand that. She's not going to jump to 9. I think I just need to hear her tell me that my pain is real. That she truly is sorry that she hurt me and our family like she did. I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be a ***** and come across so selfish. In just in a lot of pain. And on top of that I love her. Its not easy.
If she is going to recover, she needs to be selfish right now. It's SO SO early in the process. She has been numbing her feelings for years, she is not going to learn how to acknowledge other people's feelings and the pain she caused overnight. She may NEVER be able to. My mother can't -- she's been sober for a decade but she still can't handle anyone's feelings, not hers, not anyone else's.
The reason everyone is saying to back off from trying to help/fix/save her right now is because you are desperately crying out for water from what is essentially an empty well. That doesn't mean you don't deserve the water. But she is going to have to learn how to fill that well on her own before anyone else can drink from it.
Until then, you can't count on her for your water. No matter how much you love her or believe she loves you -- we all need to learn to fill our own well.
And more importantly, your daughter needs you. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a severely codependent father. They were both so concerned with taking care of her that they essentially forgot about their kids. Me and my siblings have had years of issues stemming from the things we failed to learn or get at home. Maybe focus on being a good dad for awhile and let Mom sort herself out. Your daughter needs a parent. Your ex-wife needs the professionals at rehab.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
no. thats not why. its much deeper than that.
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Originally Posted by Matt5150
Her alcoholism caused the destruction of our marriage. Its that simple. The issues she has caused her alcoholism. She's my ex because I had to take myself and our daughter out of a dangerous situation. A piece of paper will not stop my commitment and love for her.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I hear you. Your feelings are all valid and real and important.
If she is going to recover, she needs to be selfish right now. It's SO SO early in the process. She has been numbing her feelings for years, she is not going to learn how to acknowledge other people's feelings and the pain she caused overnight. She may NEVER be able to. My mother can't -- she's been sober for a decade but she still can't handle anyone's feelings, not hers, not anyone else's.
The reason everyone is saying to back off from trying to help/fix/save her right now is because you are desperately crying out for water from what is essentially an empty well. That doesn't mean you don't deserve the water. But she is going to have to learn how to fill that well on her own before anyone else can drink from it.
Until then, you can't count on her for your water. No matter how much you love her or believe she loves you -- we all need to learn to fill our own well.
And more importantly, your daughter needs you. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a severely codependent father. They were both so concerned with taking care of her that they essentially forgot about their kids. Me and my siblings have had years of issues stemming from the things we failed to learn or get at home. Maybe focus on being a good dad for awhile and let Mom sort herself out. Your daughter needs a parent. Your ex-wife needs the professionals at rehab.
If she is going to recover, she needs to be selfish right now. It's SO SO early in the process. She has been numbing her feelings for years, she is not going to learn how to acknowledge other people's feelings and the pain she caused overnight. She may NEVER be able to. My mother can't -- she's been sober for a decade but she still can't handle anyone's feelings, not hers, not anyone else's.
The reason everyone is saying to back off from trying to help/fix/save her right now is because you are desperately crying out for water from what is essentially an empty well. That doesn't mean you don't deserve the water. But she is going to have to learn how to fill that well on her own before anyone else can drink from it.
Until then, you can't count on her for your water. No matter how much you love her or believe she loves you -- we all need to learn to fill our own well.
And more importantly, your daughter needs you. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and a severely codependent father. They were both so concerned with taking care of her that they essentially forgot about their kids. Me and my siblings have had years of issues stemming from the things we failed to learn or get at home. Maybe focus on being a good dad for awhile and let Mom sort herself out. Your daughter needs a parent. Your ex-wife needs the professionals at rehab.
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