How to "detach" from AH with small children
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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How to "detach" from AH with small children
My AH has been on a slow road to recovery for the last 1.5 years or so. I know he has gone as long as 2 months sober fits and starts, and claims he is not drinking for several months but Im not sure I believe him.
He has been living out of the house for 6 months and is dying to get back home. I can't have him live here around kids (and me) when drinking. It has been very peaceful though I know very sad for the kids to not see him as much.
Im slowly getting to the point where I am getting the hang of (sort of) the detachment piece. I struggle with how to do this with small children who are so disappointed by their dad not being around as much. I.e how- to practice detachment when he doesn't show up to take our child to school as planned, or oversleeps and misses being here for Easter morning with the kids etc. I know he needs to suffer the consequences, but I still want the kids to see/feel how much their dad loves them.
Not sure if this makes sense, it would be so much easier if kids were not involved as I am forced to interact with him every day. He is angry at me bc I don't trust him with the kids overnight bc he feels he is in recovery now and no longer an issue.
Anyway, any advice on how to practice this focus on myself and kids and still having the kids have their father in their life regularly?
He has been living out of the house for 6 months and is dying to get back home. I can't have him live here around kids (and me) when drinking. It has been very peaceful though I know very sad for the kids to not see him as much.
Im slowly getting to the point where I am getting the hang of (sort of) the detachment piece. I struggle with how to do this with small children who are so disappointed by their dad not being around as much. I.e how- to practice detachment when he doesn't show up to take our child to school as planned, or oversleeps and misses being here for Easter morning with the kids etc. I know he needs to suffer the consequences, but I still want the kids to see/feel how much their dad loves them.
Not sure if this makes sense, it would be so much easier if kids were not involved as I am forced to interact with him every day. He is angry at me bc I don't trust him with the kids overnight bc he feels he is in recovery now and no longer an issue.
Anyway, any advice on how to practice this focus on myself and kids and still having the kids have their father in their life regularly?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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It's not your responsibility to show your kids how much their dad loves them. It's his. All you can do is show them how much YOU love them and let them know that you're there for them. Their dad is responsible for his end of that. If he chooses to remain in denial about his alcoholism and how it effects your family, all you can do is focus on yourself and your kids. If it ticks him off that you have boundaries that you won't budge on, too bad for him. You're doing what you need to do. =)
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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You are right. Its just so hard to watch kids suffer, it feels easier to make excuses for him to them so they are not hurting. They accept that he is "working" but if I am honest and say that he just didn't show up for their XYZ important event, they feel the rejection. 2 of 3 kids have very very low self esteem and think everything is their fault. (Working on that with them in therapy but that is the mitigating factor). THanks for your reply above.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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Hi, mamacb. Welcome.
Some of the most heartbreaking, angriest posts are by people--women mostly--who see their children hurting because dad (mostly) isn't showing up.
A couple of things struck me. Your spouse wants to get back home, but he doesn't pick up the kids when he is supposed to?
He overslept and missed Easter morning?
Does this seem like the behavior of a person who wants to be part of the family again?
As is said around here, he is showing you who he is. Doesn't sound wonderfully responsible to me.
I would concentrate on my own health and recovery, and love my kids to pieces. I would show them in a million ways that their father's behavior is not because of anything they did, that they are not less than.
Your post indicates to me that he is not ready. Trust yourself. Recovery is humble, recovery is accepting responsibility. Recovery looks like recovery.
Some of the most heartbreaking, angriest posts are by people--women mostly--who see their children hurting because dad (mostly) isn't showing up.
A couple of things struck me. Your spouse wants to get back home, but he doesn't pick up the kids when he is supposed to?
He overslept and missed Easter morning?
Does this seem like the behavior of a person who wants to be part of the family again?
As is said around here, he is showing you who he is. Doesn't sound wonderfully responsible to me.
I would concentrate on my own health and recovery, and love my kids to pieces. I would show them in a million ways that their father's behavior is not because of anything they did, that they are not less than.
Your post indicates to me that he is not ready. Trust yourself. Recovery is humble, recovery is accepting responsibility. Recovery looks like recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by mamacb 
You are right. Its just so hard to watch kids suffer, it feels easier to make excuses for him to them so they are not hurting. They accept that he is "working" but if I am honest and say that he just didn't show up for their XYZ important event, they feel the rejection. 2 of 3 kids have very very low self esteem and think everything is their fault. (Working on that with them in therapy but that is the mitigating factor). THanks for your reply above.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
stay strong 
I've finally reached the point of detachment with my AS. He stopped making efforts to be part of his 4 year old daughter's life, despite cooperation, tolerance and tremendous understanding on the part of his ex. That did it for me. He's crossed a line. I'm hurt and angry and feel so bad for his little girl. Mostly I'm angry. I'm hanging on to that feeling now, and whenever I get the urge to troubleshoot HIS problems, I remember what he's done (or hasn't done). You are not alone in your struggles.
I've finally reached the point of detachment with my AS. He stopped making efforts to be part of his 4 year old daughter's life, despite cooperation, tolerance and tremendous understanding on the part of his ex. That did it for me. He's crossed a line. I'm hurt and angry and feel so bad for his little girl. Mostly I'm angry. I'm hanging on to that feeling now, and whenever I get the urge to troubleshoot HIS problems, I remember what he's done (or hasn't done). You are not alone in your struggles.
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