Ex wife in rehab

Old 08-20-2017, 08:56 AM
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Ex wife in rehab

Hello all. My ex wife is currently in rehab. It is her 4th day in and I miss her terribly. I want so bad to help her and support her but at the moment I can't even talk to her. I still love her to death and she tells be she still loves me. I am so conflicted. I am angry with her for the years of abuse she put me and our daughter thtough. But at the same time I can't stop crying over my desire to hold her and comfort her and tell her everything will be ok. I'm scared that when she gets out of rehab she will want nothing to do with me. That I am her issue and she will avoid me. I won't know until she can communicate 28th others and gets out. Its torture. Of anyone has similar experiences and wishes to share I would appreciate it.
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Old 08-20-2017, 09:33 AM
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Matt what kind of help are *you* getting for YOU?

You can't control what happens when she gets out of rehab, how she'll feel, what she'll want, or who she will be. If she is going to beat her addiction and fully embrace recovery, it's going to take a lot longer than 28 days, and she likely won't have the bandwidth to handle the demands of a relationship.

*You* are not her issue. Her issue is addiction, and it's going to take everything she has to recover. Your desire to hold and comfort her is all well and good but not what she needs right now. She needs the professionals at her rehab, and the time and space to get herself together for the fight of her life. That's not a battle anyone can fight for her.

In the meantime, there is a lot of help for YOU out there to let go of your fear of what might or might not happen and life your best life regardless of what happens to her. Have you been Al-Anon or face-to-face individual counseling?
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Old 08-20-2017, 09:40 AM
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Yeah, Matt your posts are sounding like you want to be able to start over and have everything back the way it was before all this happened. That will never be. Reality is that she became (or already was) addicted. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how she views the world.

As an alcoholic myself (recovered) I can say that the main thing she needs to do is grow up and face life as it is. Coddling her and unconditional love is not the answer. Romantic love is conditional, and that's a good thing.
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Old 08-20-2017, 09:45 AM
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That's great you have feeling for your ex. After reading your post I'm thinking Chill. Hopes are great but reality also should be included. Some stay sober after their 1st rehab, most do not.
The tone I'm reading is of desperation and if that doesn't pan out then your world might as well not exist. I get what your are staying but can you walk without trying to fix another? Can you take care of yourself and your daughter?
What would it be like if she walked along side you in her time? She builds up the ability to walk and deal with life and becomes strong enough to endure life without alcohol. OR do you need something to rescue? People sobering up need to find their way as you aren't going to be perfect and hold their hands like a parent to a child.
Please check out some Alanon meetings and ask questions. If you want to help your wife, it's possible that your current ideas may hinder her sobriety.
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Old 08-20-2017, 10:47 AM
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Thanks folks. Reality sucks. I see my therapist at least once a month. He tells me that I have this need to save the world and neglect my own needs. I feel so sad that all we built and created was destroyed by her disease. I long for the days that we were happy and successful. We both love each other. I want to be part of her support in sobriety. I want to attend meetings with her and understand her struggle and share in her accomplishments. Is that so much to ask? If I can be a positive force in her success is that a bad thing? Going to the store with her Or taking her out to dinner or a movie would be bad?
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:13 AM
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have you considered what SHE needs? it is quite possible that her BEST chance of success is to do this without you putting your fingerprints all over it.

step back and ask yourself - do you want her to get sober and live a happy life REGARDLESS of how that involves you - OR do you want her to have a successful recovery only IF it means you "get her back"?
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:24 AM
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You are not her Recovery Angel.

Addicts don't bring their love interests to meetings. That's not how it works as a general rule...I mean, I've seen love interests at meetings but it was usually when the addict was getting a sober-time award (coin/chip) or if the addict was doing a speech etc. The people who have loved ones at meetings to hold their hands don't have much of a chance, IMO.

When people try to smother me, all I want to do is run. I have never liked other people hovering over me, wanting to know my every thought.

It's not your job to police her recovery. Unwind your fingers from her life. Let go of the leash. It's your job to recover yourself - stay in counseling. Please consider going to Al Anon meetings, alone. They are meetings for those whose lives have been touched by someone else's addiction.
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:30 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
have you considered what SHE needs? it is quite possible that her BEST chance of success is to do this without you putting your fingerprints all over it.

step back and ask yourself - do you want her to get sober and live a happy life REGARDLESS of how that involves you - OR do you want her to have a successful recovery only IF it means you "get her back"?
When I hear that I feel like I had something to do with her disease. Like I caused it. Like she's getting a get out of marriage free card. What about my happiness? What about the abuse me and our daughter went through? She can just work on her sobriety and of she chooses she can turn her back on those she destroyed and that's ok? I begged her for years to go into rehab. I tried taking her to aa meetings just to listen. Now that she is forced to go because her family is making her go that makes her the hero? I'm sorry I don't agree with that. You can't just throw bombs constantly and not expect shrapnel. And here I am opening my heart again to her to help her succeed and I need to feel guilty about that? Maybe I'm rambling. Sorry. It just upsets me that my heart can be torn apart and there Is a chance that my love could hurt her worse.
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:32 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
You are not her Recovery Angel.

Addicts don't bring their love interests to meetings. That's not how it works as a general rule...I mean, I've seen love interests at meetings but it was usually when the addict was getting a sober-time award (coin/chip) or if the addict was doing a speech etc. The people who have loved ones at meetings to hold their hands don't have much of a chance, IMO.

When people try to smother me, all I want to do is run. I have never liked other people hovering over me, wanting to know my every thought.

It's not your job to police her recovery. Unwind your fingers from her life. Let go of the leash. It's your job to recover yourself - stay in counseling. Please consider going to Al Anon meetings, alone. They are meetings for those whose lives have been touched by someone else's addiction.
I do attend al anon and see my private shrink. I'm trying I really am but I just love and care for her so much. Its killing me that I can't help her.
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Matt5150 View Post
We both love each other. I want to be part of her support in sobriety. I want to attend meetings with her and understand her struggle and share in her accomplishments. Is that so much to ask? If I can be a positive force in her success is that a bad thing? Going to the store with her Or taking her out to dinner or a movie would be bad?
why is she your EXwife?
why do you want something to do with your EXwife that put you through hell?
do you have a thought that after she gets out of rehab,everything will be sunshine,daisies,and unicorns? are you aware that rehab is ONLY the beginning of her learning a new way to live life on lifes terms? shes going to go through some SERIOUS feelings and emotions for some time.

notice the selfish,selfcenteredness here- iwant i want i want.

at this point in time, she needs to work on making herself a positive force and im sure she has a LOT more people around her in rehab that know a LOT more on how to help her than you do.

at this time, i think you may want to seriously step up help for YOU.
it reads like you are so wrapped up in her( your EXwife) you lost yourself.
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Old 08-20-2017, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
why is she your EXwife?
why do you want something to do with your EXwife that put you through hell?
do you have a thought that after she gets out of rehab,everything will be sunshine,daisies,and unicorns? are you aware that rehab is ONLY the beginning of her learning a new way to live life on lifes terms? shes going to go through some SERIOUS feelings and emotions for some time.

notice the selfish,selfcenteredness here- iwant i want i want.

at this point in time, she needs to work on making herself a positive force and im sure she has a LOT more people around her in rehab that know a LOT more on how to help her than you do.

at this time, i think you may want to seriously step up help for YOU.
it reads like you are so wrapped up in her( your EXwife) you lost yourself.
I do realize that everyday after she gets out will be a struggle for her. I get that. And maybe I am a little lost. Why is it so bad to hold out hope that we can be together and healthy together again? Would it be better if I just turned my back on her and when she struggles to let her struggle alone? She has hurt alot of people and many of them may not want to be there for her to support her. What Are her alternatives then? She will need 24/7 care when she gets out. I will avail myself to her No matter what. She is my EXwife because her disease destroyed our marriage.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Matt5150 View Post
When I hear that I feel like I had something to do with her disease. Like I caused it. Like she's getting a get out of marriage free card. What about my happiness? What about the abuse me and our daughter went through? She can just work on her sobriety and of she chooses she can turn her back on those she destroyed and that's ok? I begged her for years to go into rehab. I tried taking her to aa meetings just to listen. Now that she is forced to go because her family is making her go that makes her the hero? I'm sorry I don't agree with that. You can't just throw bombs constantly and not expect shrapnel. And here I am opening my heart again to her to help her succeed and I need to feel guilty about that? Maybe I'm rambling. Sorry. It just upsets me that my heart can be torn apart and there Is a chance that my love could hurt her worse.
I hear a lot of keeping score here. There are no heroes and no winners when it comes to addiction. The best anyone can ever do is commit to recovery and to try to be the best person they can be.

I know you are hurting. But if you are opening your heart to her again after all the "shrapnel" and abuse you have endured, then that is a choice you make, to put yourself back in the potential line of fire. I have learned that expecting the person who hurts us to be the one that heals us is just propagating an unhealthy cycle. The only person who can heal you is you, and the only one who can heal her is her.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:25 PM
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Now that she is forced to go because her family is making her go that makes her the hero?
You do know that rehab is not a cure or fix merely an opportunity a chance for them if they choose to grasp hold of recovery. Most addicts that I know that are forced into rehab drink/use again once they are out.

But lets say she does grasp hold of recovery and chooses to work a very strong program. She might not be able to appease your insecurities and work her recovery. She may not be able to focus on re-building a marriage and her recovery. She may not be able to make YOUR life as you want it while she is trying to make her life work for her.

Recovery is not a WE thing but an individual thing.

I think so much more will be revealed at the end of this 28 days and maybe working with your therapist on codependency and the reality that nothing much might change except a few weeks of no contact with her, which has you triggered.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:33 PM
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Lets be straight here. You are as lost as she is. You are as dependent on her as she is alcohol. You both have an addition. If you come to understand that and ACCEPT help you and her might have a chance. If you do not your chances with her or anyone else long term is zero.
This isn't attacking you but letting you know 'a little' might be a whole lot more than you want to accept. If you want things to be like it was, keep it up. Want that blissful marriage, then you WILL have to do something different.
Let Go And Let God. Please explore what that phrase is all about. Baby steps.
Remember that movie, What About Bob... You don't know what you don't know.
There are all these people who care enough to respond. Maybe care enough to take it to heart.

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Old 08-20-2017, 12:35 PM
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She will need 24/7 care when she gets out.

may i ask why you think that? is she physically disabled? bed ridden? or otherwise incapable of taking care of herself?

When I hear that I feel like I had something to do with her disease. Like I caused it. Like she's getting a get out of marriage free card. What about my happiness? What about the abuse me and our daughter went through? She can just work on her sobriety and of she chooses she can turn her back on those she destroyed and that's ok? I begged her for years to go into rehab. I tried taking her to aa meetings just to listen. Now that she is forced to go because her family is making her go that makes her the hero? I'm sorry I don't agree with that. You can't just throw bombs constantly and not expect shrapnel. And here I am opening my heart again to her to help her succeed and I need to feel guilty about that? Maybe I'm rambling. Sorry. It just upsets me that my heart can be torn apart and there Is a chance that my love could hurt her worse.

she's been in rehab FOUR days.....i don't think anyone is planning a ticker tape parade in her honor just yet. you are simply OOZING with resentment - and that resentment seems to even bleed over into the fact that she IS in rehab now, but that she didn't do it when YOU wanted her to. and now that she is in treatment you want to get right into the middle of it.

she isn't going to come out and be the girl you want. rehab isn't a magic trick. she will at best have about 28 days of sober time and some tools to use going forward. she will NOT have the time or energy for much else. especially not to BE what you want her to be. she may not even want that. it will take TIME, months and months, for things to truly settle down and sort out for her. her perspective on life has been warped for a long time. if you attempt to insert yourself into her recovery, it is quite likely things will derail......she needs to take the wheel here, drive the bus.

not everyone is successful at sobriety straight out of treatment. there can be a lot of wobbles. more will be revealed.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
I hear a lot of keeping score here. There are no heroes and no winners when it comes to addiction. The best anyone can ever do is commit to recovery and to try to be the best person they can be.

I know you are hurting. But if you are opening your heart to her again after all the "shrapnel" and abuse you have endured, then that is a choice you make, to put yourself back in the potential line of fire. I have learned that expecting the person who hurts us to be the one that heals us is just propagating an unhealthy cycle. The only person who can heal you is you, and the only one who can heal her is her.
The person she can be to help fix is not the alcoholic but the sober woman I fell in love with. The shrapnel was caused by her while she was in the middle of her disease.
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
She will need 24/7 care when she gets out.

may i ask why you think that? is she physically disabled? bed ridden? or otherwise incapable of taking care of herself?

When I hear that I feel like I had something to do with her disease. Like I caused it. Like she's getting a get out of marriage free card. What about my happiness? What about the abuse me and our daughter went through? She can just work on her sobriety and of she chooses she can turn her back on those she destroyed and that's ok? I begged her for years to go into rehab. I tried taking her to aa meetings just to listen. Now that she is forced to go because her family is making her go that makes her the hero? I'm sorry I don't agree with that. You can't just throw bombs constantly and not expect shrapnel. And here I am opening my heart again to her to help her succeed and I need to feel guilty about that? Maybe I'm rambling. Sorry. It just upsets me that my heart can be torn apart and there Is a chance that my love could hurt her worse.

she's been in rehab FOUR days.....i don't think anyone is planning a ticker tape parade in her honor just yet. you are simply OOZING with resentment - and that resentment seems to even bleed over into the fact that she IS in rehab now, but that she didn't do it when YOU wanted her to. and now that she is in treatment you want to get right into the middle of it.

she isn't going to come out and be the girl you want. rehab isn't a magic trick. she will at best have about 28 days of sober time and some tools to use going forward. she will NOT have the time or energy for much else. especially not to BE what you want her to be. she may not even want that. it will take TIME, months and months, for things to truly settle down and sort out for her. her perspective on life has been warped for a long time. if you attempt to insert yourself into her recovery, it is quite likely things will derail......she needs to take the wheel here, drive the bus.

not everyone is successful at sobriety straight out of treatment. there can be a lot of wobbles. more will be revealed.
People that are fresh out of rehab do not need to be constantly monitored and looked after in the beginning? They should be left alone and risk repeating behaviors and exposing themselves to triggers that could cause relapse? I always thought differently. I do have resentment. She destroyed a family. I'm working on that in therapy. Isn't it incumbent on her to recognize those she wronged and make amends? How successful would anyone be in sobriety if they don't do that?
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Old 08-20-2017, 12:59 PM
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The alcoholic and the sober woman are the same person at different stages of their life. If she embraces recovery and works at it with everything she's got--and that is a big If--she will reveal another part of herself still.

But it doesn't really matter what person you think she is at any given time -- she is not yours to "fix" or "help fix."
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by AlwaysGrowing View Post
Matt
Lets be straight here. You are as lost as she is. You are as dependent on her as she is alcohol. You both have an addition. If you come to understand that and ACCEPT help you and her might have a chance. If you do not your chances with her or anyone else long term is zero.
This isn't attacking you but letting you know 'a little' might be a whole lot more than you want to accept. If you want things to be like it was, keep it up. Want that blissful marriage, then you WILL have to do something different.
Let Go And Let God. Please explore what that phrase is all about. Baby steps.
Remember that movie, What About Bob... You don't know what you don't know.
There are all these people who care enough to respond. Maybe care enough to take it to heart.

AG
AG I truly appreciate the responses. Its hard to be told that how I feel doesn't matter. That the only pain that matters is hers.
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Old 08-20-2017, 01:03 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
The alcoholic and the sober woman are the same person at different stages of their life. If she embraces recovery and works at it with everything she's got--and that is a big If--she will reveal another part of herself still.

But it doesn't really matter what person you think she is at any given time -- she is not yours to "fix" or "help fix."
But the disease manifests physically into actions doesn't it? Her actions were not the same when she was sober as when she was drink. 2 different people.
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