Am I over reacting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1
Am I over reacting?
My husband was a recovering alcoholic when I met him 11 years ago. Unfortunately drink has slowly crept back again over the last two years. He starts to drink from midday out side in his shed in 'secret' until sometimes early evening or if it's a heavy session 10pm. I have not noticed any shakes and it seems that he can stay sober until he does all his jobs for the day and as soon as he is home it starts. He is self employed. I have heard some real horror stories so I am confused. However I do know that his drinking is making me unhappy and is putting an enormous strain on our marriage. I am trying hard to detach and keep going for my 3 children. Views advice welcome.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Hi Louby, and welcome to Sober Recovery! I'm glad you found us. I think you're going to find a lot of friendly people here who know exactly what you're going through.
No. You're not "over reacting". You're "reacting". Plain and simple.
The fact that he's drinking in secret is a huge red flag. You have every reason to be concerned.
Is he in any sort of recovery program? AA? What about yourself? Have you tried Alanon? What sort of support system do you have in place?
No. You're not "over reacting". You're "reacting". Plain and simple.
The fact that he's drinking in secret is a huge red flag. You have every reason to be concerned.
Is he in any sort of recovery program? AA? What about yourself? Have you tried Alanon? What sort of support system do you have in place?
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Louby,
There some serious high time folks here that will confirm you are correct in focusing on you and the kids.
The sneaking is a red flag. You never know when he might be drunk or how much he has in his system.
Booze is a drug. He is an addict and he has relapsed.
He has to want to change. The booze changes him mentally into a potential time bomb.
When I was drinking, me and my wife got into some serious domestic altercations at least a few times a year.
Since I quit, 15 months ago....0 big fights. The booze made me like that.
In the end I was binging about 3 times a month. Otherwise, I didn't drink. The binging vs daily drinking.... put me over the edge and made me want to quit.
Hope this helps in some way.
Thanks for the post.
There some serious high time folks here that will confirm you are correct in focusing on you and the kids.
The sneaking is a red flag. You never know when he might be drunk or how much he has in his system.
Booze is a drug. He is an addict and he has relapsed.
He has to want to change. The booze changes him mentally into a potential time bomb.
When I was drinking, me and my wife got into some serious domestic altercations at least a few times a year.
Since I quit, 15 months ago....0 big fights. The booze made me like that.
In the end I was binging about 3 times a month. Otherwise, I didn't drink. The binging vs daily drinking.... put me over the edge and made me want to quit.
Hope this helps in some way.
Thanks for the post.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
No you are not overreacting - we are talking about an alcoholic that has relapsed and is not only drinking daily, but is hiding it and does not seem to want to find sobriety or recovery anytime soon.
Just because he is holding down working and can get his tasks done first before he starts drinking does not make the situation any less serious or real. Many alcoholics and addicts hold things together for a time, but in the end it all ends the same way- somethings got to give- either the person gets sober or everything falls apart. There is no exception to the rule, it is just a matter of how long it takes.
Your children need you right now, but being strong and being there for them does not mean you have to turn a blind eye to the situation and just go on as if everything is normal. You have to do what is best for YOU and for your children- if that means that you need to detach and take a step away and separate, or go to counseling, or go to Al-non meetings to get support from those who understand, or being honest with family and friends and gathering support, or anything that you feel will help you. YOU matter and you need to do what is needed for you to be able to have a stable home for your children and for yourself. You can not save him, but you can save yourself and your children.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, keep posting and reaching out and taking advantage of all the resources that are out there for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE- even if it might feel like it sometimes.
Just because he is holding down working and can get his tasks done first before he starts drinking does not make the situation any less serious or real. Many alcoholics and addicts hold things together for a time, but in the end it all ends the same way- somethings got to give- either the person gets sober or everything falls apart. There is no exception to the rule, it is just a matter of how long it takes.
Your children need you right now, but being strong and being there for them does not mean you have to turn a blind eye to the situation and just go on as if everything is normal. You have to do what is best for YOU and for your children- if that means that you need to detach and take a step away and separate, or go to counseling, or go to Al-non meetings to get support from those who understand, or being honest with family and friends and gathering support, or anything that you feel will help you. YOU matter and you need to do what is needed for you to be able to have a stable home for your children and for yourself. You can not save him, but you can save yourself and your children.
I am sorry you are dealing with this, keep posting and reaching out and taking advantage of all the resources that are out there for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE- even if it might feel like it sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 2
You are in no way over reacting. You are thinking about your marriage and your kids. What it sounds like is he has relapsed, which if he showed anymore of the following signs then it may be time to confront him and his recovery.
Not As Involved
You may begin to notice that your loved one or fellow friend in recovery has begun to step away from the program or just stopped working on themselves altogether. It will typically begin with them going to less and less meetings. Over time they will begin to lose connection with their support group, completely isolating themselves from their loved ones. When you begin to notice this happening it is important to broach the subject carefully. Approaching your loved one with the wrong tone can worsen the situation. It may also make them feel attacked and as if they already have lost your support, making it seem as though they may not have much to lose.
“Just once won’t hurt”
Another key sign prior to relapse may be them mentioning how they are just tired of the recovery lifestyle overall and they want to be normal. With that they may begin to reminisce on the past “good times” they had while they were using, and depending on what is currently going on their life, how using once allowed them to escape from their problems. You could notice them begin to start showing signs of addictions in other things, such as going to the gym obsessively or shopping. This may not mean they are going to relapse but it does bring out those addictive qualities. All of which can lead to the denial of them having a problem when pointed out.
Pulling The Trigger
A trigger has the possibility of occurring during one of the above things, or just when something else gives them the excuse or a reason in their mind to use. This is when the relapse begins to occur and your loved one has already made the conscious decision to use again. However, this does not mean that they are incapable of rising above this just as they had once before. No matter what happens through the course of their relapse whether it is that one time or multiple - it is important to always offer your support. Just as before, assure your loved one that they are more than capable of rising about this and you will be there along the way as well.
Not As Involved
You may begin to notice that your loved one or fellow friend in recovery has begun to step away from the program or just stopped working on themselves altogether. It will typically begin with them going to less and less meetings. Over time they will begin to lose connection with their support group, completely isolating themselves from their loved ones. When you begin to notice this happening it is important to broach the subject carefully. Approaching your loved one with the wrong tone can worsen the situation. It may also make them feel attacked and as if they already have lost your support, making it seem as though they may not have much to lose.
“Just once won’t hurt”
Another key sign prior to relapse may be them mentioning how they are just tired of the recovery lifestyle overall and they want to be normal. With that they may begin to reminisce on the past “good times” they had while they were using, and depending on what is currently going on their life, how using once allowed them to escape from their problems. You could notice them begin to start showing signs of addictions in other things, such as going to the gym obsessively or shopping. This may not mean they are going to relapse but it does bring out those addictive qualities. All of which can lead to the denial of them having a problem when pointed out.
Pulling The Trigger
A trigger has the possibility of occurring during one of the above things, or just when something else gives them the excuse or a reason in their mind to use. This is when the relapse begins to occur and your loved one has already made the conscious decision to use again. However, this does not mean that they are incapable of rising above this just as they had once before. No matter what happens through the course of their relapse whether it is that one time or multiple - it is important to always offer your support. Just as before, assure your loved one that they are more than capable of rising about this and you will be there along the way as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
One viewpoint that helped me was seeing alcohol as a mistress because it came first for my husband and that relationship came to be more important than our marriage. If he's already a few years in on a relapse, you are not over-reacting at all.
Have you called him out on this 'secret' behavior?
Have you called him out on this 'secret' behavior?
Last edited by CodeJob; 08-08-2016 at 01:50 PM. Reason: sp
Reach Out and Touch Faith
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: On a Sailboat
Posts: 3,871
Sounds like my ex fiance. I finally had a long talk and said "I'll always love you, but cannot be with your behavior." I cried but left him.
Having to deal with all that comes with a relationship where things are shared etc I inspired me to study to facilitate SMART Family and Friends meetings after I finished my regular course. Even those of us that are ¨experts¨ don´t realise how much we need to learn and change until we are in a relationship such as you and me.
I highly recommend you try a few meetings whether they are Al-Alon, SMART F&F or any other program for those of us in or leaving relationships like these.
It only gets worse, trust those of us in this section of SR who are going through the same types of situations.
Having to deal with all that comes with a relationship where things are shared etc I inspired me to study to facilitate SMART Family and Friends meetings after I finished my regular course. Even those of us that are ¨experts¨ don´t realise how much we need to learn and change until we are in a relationship such as you and me.
I highly recommend you try a few meetings whether they are Al-Alon, SMART F&F or any other program for those of us in or leaving relationships like these.
It only gets worse, trust those of us in this section of SR who are going through the same types of situations.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I have not noticed any shakes and it seems that he can stay sober until he does all his jobs for the day and as soon as he is home it starts. He is self employed. I have heard some real horror stories so I am confused.
What income do you have all by yourself not including any of his, to help you support your children?
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