Regaining Trust
 

My AD has had three relapses in the past 6 months. She has a 2-1/2 y.o. son whom I adore, and each time she drank I removed him from her custody. CPS was involved the 2nd and 3rd times and fully supported my decision. Each time, he stayed with me longer; this last time, which was at the end of March, he stayed for 6 weeks.

My AD has been going to meetings and individual therapy, and has made contacts with members she claims to meet up with before and after meetings. She had a sponsor, but now says she doesn't like the way the sponsor is conducting her own sobriety. There is an older couple she met at a meeting who has been "fostering" her in a sense and she considers them to be her sponsors. Overall, she seemed to be taking her sobriety much more seriously than ever before.

What is different this time is that I have no way to know if what she is telling me is true. She is very secretive about her activities, citing the anonymity of AA, and has told me she wants to make a life for herself and her son without having to tell me everything (she's 35). Initially, the CPS caseworker was asking for signatures from the AA speaker to prove she was going to meetings, but that ended a couple of weeks ago. I have been keeping my grandson overnight 2 nights a weeks to give her the time to attend meetings and see her therapist, as well as get together with a group of AA members to meet informally after the meetings. She has never appeared to be drinking or otherwise impaired. She shows up to get her boy on time the next morning and has been much happier the past few weeks. But she doesn't want me to watch her son at her apartment, because she says sometimes she brings her AA friends back with her, and it would break confidentiality if I were there when they came. It seems fishy to me.

My husband told me today that he drove to her apartment complex during the night and her car was not there. He went back around 8 a.m. (said he had to run an errand) and her car was still not there. First of all, I was not happy with my husband. I have repeatedly told him we we can't check up on her, that she is responsible for her own sobriety. Of course, the dilemma is that my grandson can't protect himself.

For several weeks I have suspected that she was dating someone she met at one of the meetings, and asked her about as soon as it became a concern for me. She basically told me it was none of my business.

I'm not sure if an AA relationship is even appropriate. The man I'm thinking about has more years of sobriety than she does. She's only been going seriously since March. But I do have several concerns:
1) every relationship she has had in the past 7-8 years has been with an active addict;
2) she has not been upfront with me about the reason for her son to stay overnight with me 2 nights a week;
3) is she taking AA seriously or just coasting along because of this guy?
4) if the relationship ends, will she handle it appropriately with AA?

I'm also considering talking to her caseworker and asking her not to end her case quite yet (she was talking about ending it this month).

I know I'm probably worrying more than I should, but it's my grandson I'm thinking about. Three times he was more or less on his own, with his mother passed out on the sofa, and I shudder to think what could have happened. She is a wonderful mother when she is sober, but I need to protect him if she is not. I've also told my daughter repeatedly that the most important thing I need from her is truthfulness, and the fact that she has withheld this makes me wonder what else she has lied about. I want so much to trust her, but things like this make it hard to believe anything she says.

I would be very interested in your thoughts.

I have an AS with a 7-year old daughter, so I can relate to your situation. Young children make the situation much more stressful.

Your daughter not allowing you over to protect anonymity is 'technically' adhering to the basic principle. As to where her motives are in that regard is another question entirely, however.

It is strongly suggested for members not to get into a relationship within the first year or so, because this is the time that is meant for focusing on recovery. Not everybody follows this, lol.

More importantly, you've said it yourself: this is her sobriety. Whether she takes AA seriously or not, is up to her. Just because she's in recovery doesn't mean you're obligated to trust her, either. I know many members (I'm in NA but same deal) who've had to wait years to earn back trust. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and if it looks like she is neglecting her child, then do what you've gotta do.

I will not advise. Safety is important. Only those suffering addiction can change themselves- regardless of others. Support to you. I hope your d. changes for the better.