My mom enables addict cousin

Old 06-24-2016, 06:53 AM
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My mom enables addict cousin

I don't know what to do. I get angry that my mom won't detach from my cousin who uses her for drugs ...even has her drive her to get drugs then crashes on her sofa bringing her bed bugs with her. My mom refuses to cut the cord and go no contact with my addict cousin. I feel helpless and angry. I hate to see my mother go through this ..its been going on for years. I feel like I need to detach from my mom because we argue about my cousin. Do I just pretend it's not an issue to appease my mom and let her go on this way? Do I detach and distance myself from my mom? It's so frustrating. Thank you for reading .
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Old 06-24-2016, 04:22 PM
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I'm so sorry. I wonder if your mom realizes that she is putting herself in such a bad situation. If they're stopped by the police, mom is going to be charged for constructive possession of cds, cds in a motor vehicle, and anything else they can think up. It will cost her a nice chunk of change for an attorney, she may end up having to plead to something lesser, and then is going to have to deal with fines and probation, possible loss of license. Maybe if you explain that to her, she will have a moment of clarity?
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Old 07-01-2016, 12:18 PM
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My mom doesn't seem to know the difference between enabling and compassion. She thinks she is showing compassion to my cousin and my cousin takes full advantage. I have finally decided this is my mother's journey to take and I pray she finds clarity soon. Thank you for your reply jennarose.
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Old 07-01-2016, 05:49 PM
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Unfortunately, I think you are right -it is your mom's journey. If you aren't living with her, perhaps you can still maintain a relationship minus any discussion of your cousin. If not and she can't accept that you can't watch her being caught up in this addiction dance, then it does sound as if the healthy thing for you is to detach.
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Old 07-02-2016, 08:04 AM
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suncatcher, I run into the same issue with my dad and my sister. I found it best to say my peace, and then just get on with my life, with occasional lapses into anger just for kicks. To say that I've accepted the situation would be an over-exaggeration, but thanks to SR I feel free to spew out the ugliest, rawest emotions out of my system, and handle IRL situations with as much grace as I can muster.

The one thing I said to him, which I really said for my own sake, was, "You will never be able to say that nobody told you that these would be the consequences. Your enabling her now is just merely passing the buck to her daughters years down the road. Do you honestly feel that doing XYZ will help her get back on her feet, or are you doing it to make YOURSELF feel less guilty?"

He couldn't really say anything after that.
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Old 07-16-2016, 05:52 AM
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Luckily, I don't live with my mom or I would be looking for a place to live. I can distance myself when necessary but then I feel guilty because she just lost my step dad a few months ago. I try to call her and I took her out for her birthday and we didn't talk about my cousin..we just had a nice time. I thank you all for your understanding. I learned so much about addiction on this site a few years ago and it's always comforting to come back and vent my frustrations knowing there are others struggling with many of the same issues. It's all around us in one form or another. Hope you all enjoy the weekend and thank you for sharing your thoughts and comments.
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Old 07-16-2016, 12:23 PM
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My daughter broke contact with my son several years ago even though I was still involved. She worries about my safety, but we have a good relationship. We both accept the place we are each in. She knows how hard it is for me and I know she needs to protect herself and her family. I didn't understand addiction at all until I came here. Saving my son was all I knew. I had to see others taking difficult actions before I could do it myself. Maybe your mom would read a book on addiction or try Alanon. Maybe she will exhaust herself like I did and seek help.

Take care of yourself. That's what my daughter did and it was good for her.
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Old 07-16-2016, 01:07 PM
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It is always hard when we are watching someone we love get pulled down or used. Unfortunately, you cannot control your mom or force her to see that she isn't helping your cousin. All you can control is what you allow to affect you and what you are willing to be part of.

You said that you have gone out with your mom and talked to her without your cousin being part of the conversation. Have you thought about making a boundary with our mom that you do not want to hear any news about your cousin, that you do not want to see your cousin if you are coming to pick up or visit your mom, and that you are not willing to get involved with anything pertaining to your cousin? This way you can continue to have a relationship with your mom but not have to add your cousin into it. Will it make you worry less about your mom or make you less angry about how your cousin in using her? No, but unfortunately we can not control others or force others to agree with us so we have to accept certain things and continue to move on.

Is your mom willing to see a counselor, read some literature on codependency and addiction, or even just go to a support group? Some people really break away from the addict when they become more informed, that will only happen if she is willing to open her mind, take in all the information, process it, and then apply it to her life.

I hope things start to improve for your family. I know how hurtful and frustrating this can all be.
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Old 10-09-2016, 01:25 AM
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My mom seems to get easily offended if I mention Alanon or suggest books on codependency. I am just taking care of me and keeping her in my prayers. I think she needs to seek out help for herself when she is ready. I can't do that for her. Thank you all for the kind words and for sharing your thoughts.
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Old 10-09-2016, 06:47 AM
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Hey, Suncatcher. Thanks for your post. I have a similar situation with my alcoholic sib and my mother. They are a pretty classic co-dependent duo. I have a lot of Al-Anon under my belt, which is helpful in dealing with the inevitable anger and resentment that I experience from time to time. I have also set boundaries, in that I limit my visits to the house. Now, in my case, the substance of choice is alcohol, which isn't illegal. The legal ramifications of your mom's helping your addict cousin shouldn't be ignored, but...at the end of the day, it is her choice to make. Peace.
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