Tired of letting it go
 

I have been married for 9 1/2 years. This past weekend we went out of town to a family reunion and my husband who has been on suboxone for several years, stole two types of pills from a family member's bathroom. I saw toilet paper in a pocket and my heart sunk. I knew what it was. I took them and my husband immediately said that they were just ibuprofen. I knew they weren't. I knew he had stolen them. I took them from him and put them back in the family member's bathroom. This has happened several times over the past ten years. If I can't prove that he did it with actual evidence and just that medication is missing, he NEVER admits it and makes me look like a bad person calling him a liar. Even with this weekend's issue, he says it won't ever happen again. Really, it JUST happened!

He looked thru a therapist's bag who was at my house for my son which resulting in losing the therapy (April 2016)

He took percocet from my dad's house (2015)

He took money from my moms purse, from my sisters car, etc.

It just keeps happening.

I do everything that I can to keep him out of the situations where this could happen. Him not going to my parent's house, him not visiting strangers of family members bathrooms. I'm so tired of the shady behavior. He says I'm not willing to let it go and I'm not. I want him to admit all of these things he has done, and not just the one that I caught him with.

I don't know what to do next. I'm tired of having to plan my life around his sketchy behaviors.

Has anyone been thru this? It's the stealing and lying that bothers me more than an actual addiction to pills.

What are your personal boundaries?

I have been through it with my fiance who is now a recovering heroin addict and unfortunately with myself- I am also a recovering heroin addict of almost 11 months.

The Suboxone is obviously not working for him or he is just simply not fully invested in his recovery. Those are just the times you caught him, who knows what else he is up to and quite frankly, does it matter? What matters here is what you are willing to put up with and what you are willing to accept. What are your boundaries?

My boundaries are that I will not live with someone who is actively using or drinking. I will not live with someone who is stealing money, doing any illegal activities, or someone who I have to constantly look over my shoulder or watch them like a child. I will not live with someone who lies and doesn't take accountability for his or her actions.

He has ruined an opportunity for your child to get help from a certain therapist, he is stealing drugs from people's bathrooms, he has stolen money from your family, and he is not truly embracing recovery. What is finally too much? What are you willing to live with/ accept and what is just plain ole unacceptable? Once you decide what your boundaries are you will stop having to planning your life around someone else's shady behavior.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but know that you do not have too. It is okay to say enough is enough.

Thank you both. I've never thought about boundaries as I've just always convinced myself to believe him even when I know better. :(

I think most of us started off telling ourselves that we needed to believe them, that he are sincere, that we are just being insecure, etc. etc. But after awhile it comes pretty obvious that our instincts are not as off as they try to convince us they are.

That is one of the reasons I love this site so much, everyday I find something that I am like hmm why don't I do that or maybe I should look into that.

There is a book Boundaries by Henry Cloud that my therapist recommended to me and you might find some help in it also.

I remember when my young daughter had surgery and did not need the pain medicine after a day or two. I just put it in the cabinet not thinking. Sure enough, my X drank it. Then when I had surgery he was slowly stealing my pain pills as well. He tried to deny it, and he tried to make me feel crazy, but in the end admitted it b/c he knew I was not buying it.

Your heart wants you to be wrong about it. Your head knows what he is up to. Now it's up to you to decide just how much you are willing to put up with.

I know it's hard. However, this is his issue you are trying to control for him. That won't work forever. I imagine you feel very lonely, or at least I did when I was in your position. Just opening up and telling the truth to those around me helped, a lot.

Boundaries is a wonderful book. I went to a seminar given by Dr. Cloud as well a few years ago, it was amazing.

I made up excuses for my husbands behavior for the past 5 years knowing he was not telling me the truth or anyone else. I tried to convince myself every day that he was being honest and even thought maybe I'm just being a nag and I need to let it go. There were several occassions I found a pill or empty bottle and he would just say it wasn't his. He would also drink at social gatherings and take it way too far. He too is on suboxone and tried to convince me it was just for pain relief even though I know he was abusing it. I finally decided to go with my gut and no longer tolerate his behaviors. I confessed to my family and friends about his issues and moved out. He's now in treatment but I feel only to win the kids and I back and not because he wants to be sober. It's a sucky situation to be in but you become so wrapped up in their addictions yourself that you loose site of who you are and your morals. This site is amazing and getting me through this more than even my therapist is. Keep reading and posting and you will receive so much support and incredible advice. Through the advice of the members on here I've started reading the book Codependent No More and omg it's eye opening! It's a hard journey that we are on but just remember you have one life and you deserve to be in an honest relationship with a good man. Hang in there!!