No contact period commenced
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No contact period commenced
I have initiated a period of no contact with my girlfriend starting last night and to remain for an indefinite period of time with the intention of working on myself, getting fit, improving my appearance, losing weight and eating better. Not because I'm TRYING to get her back but because I want to be the best version of ME there ever has been.
I'm logging things here for accountability and to tough out the hard times
Stewy
I'm logging things here for accountability and to tough out the hard times
Stewy
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 48
Hi
I have done the no contact thing with 2 addicts in my family. I think as long as they have at least 1 enabler, they will continue on their pattern. Definitely agree that you do all the best for yourself and refuse to be a part of the craziness.
You never know what it will take for them to completely change their path of self destruction. Some have to go to the bottom but some don't??
If you don't enable them, many will just find someone else who will. I guess we just have to decide how do we want to live and go in that direction and they can do the same. I think there are many addicts out there so having very good boundaries and knowing what you want and knowing when to back off when you see something very wrong, knowing when to compromise-- with anyone new is so important. Keep us updated on how you are doing.
I have done the no contact thing with 2 addicts in my family. I think as long as they have at least 1 enabler, they will continue on their pattern. Definitely agree that you do all the best for yourself and refuse to be a part of the craziness.
You never know what it will take for them to completely change their path of self destruction. Some have to go to the bottom but some don't??
If you don't enable them, many will just find someone else who will. I guess we just have to decide how do we want to live and go in that direction and they can do the same. I think there are many addicts out there so having very good boundaries and knowing what you want and knowing when to back off when you see something very wrong, knowing when to compromise-- with anyone new is so important. Keep us updated on how you are doing.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Hi Stewy, I've read your threads in the newcomers forum and want to say CONGRATULATIONS on staying sober during your tough times with your relationship! I really like how you've turned this around and are taking care of YOU in this post! That is very important. You two have been at it for awhile now and I think this "break" is a good idea for both of you. Have you read the book "codependent no more" yet? I highly recommend it as part of YOUR recovery program along with all those other good things you're doing for yourself. You deserve to be in a healthy and mutually happy relationship and it may or may not end up being with her, and you need to be okay with that. Glad u r here!
We are here for support!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Stewy man. I haven't read all of your story but I have read some bits and pieces, and there are some similarities between us.
I didn't want to be the first to say, but it seems to me also like you may have codependency/attachment type issues (as do I)
The benefit of learning about that stuff would be to recognise and therefore be able to change those unconscious behaviors.
I think? This is only my opinion, that's what I am trying to do also. You seem like a good guy Stewy, totally rooting for ya here.
I didn't want to be the first to say, but it seems to me also like you may have codependency/attachment type issues (as do I)
The benefit of learning about that stuff would be to recognise and therefore be able to change those unconscious behaviors.
I think? This is only my opinion, that's what I am trying to do also. You seem like a good guy Stewy, totally rooting for ya here.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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There would be many on this forum dude better placed to help you with that than me.
I've been on a steep learning curve about many stuffs alongside my attempt to get sober (well done with that btw)
The codependency stuff is on my to do list. Funnily enough my therapist did mention how we look to have all our needs met in relationships but it doesn't usually work out, I think thats part of it.
I have to read that book sometime myself in future, but it won't be anytime soon as I'm dealing with many issues. I've heard it mentioned in meetings and some subscriptions that I follow too though.
It comes up often in the F&F forum here, so you could ask in there bro?
I've been on a steep learning curve about many stuffs alongside my attempt to get sober (well done with that btw)
The codependency stuff is on my to do list. Funnily enough my therapist did mention how we look to have all our needs met in relationships but it doesn't usually work out, I think thats part of it.
I have to read that book sometime myself in future, but it won't be anytime soon as I'm dealing with many issues. I've heard it mentioned in meetings and some subscriptions that I follow too though.
It comes up often in the F&F forum here, so you could ask in there bro?
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Thanks space goat, so far I've read that you need to focus on yourself and stop allowing yourself to take on board somebody else's issues.
You have to adopt detachment and focus on your own life and improving yourself.
I feel better this morning I think it may be the evenings that are the toughest.
It's weird but I'm just treating this as the end of the relationship
I think the term "expect the worst, hope for the best" sums it up (that is speaking purely about the relationship though)
The rest of the stuff in my life is good and I'm so blessed to have it that way
You have to adopt detachment and focus on your own life and improving yourself.
I feel better this morning I think it may be the evenings that are the toughest.
It's weird but I'm just treating this as the end of the relationship
I think the term "expect the worst, hope for the best" sums it up (that is speaking purely about the relationship though)
The rest of the stuff in my life is good and I'm so blessed to have it that way
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Good to hear man. Sounds like you are already halfway there, keep reaching out when you need.
'Expectations and attachments are the root of suffering' said the Buddha and many others (true)
I read a number of quotes and passages from the book online last night and it looks good actually.
'Expectations and attachments are the root of suffering' said the Buddha and many others (true)
I read a number of quotes and passages from the book online last night and it looks good actually.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Stewy, check out Ann's post in F&F of Substance Abusers on the thread named "My name is Ann, and I M a codependent ". It really spells it out nicely using her and her husband's relationship as an example. I'll try and paste it here:
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My Name is Ann and I am a Codependent...still
#1 (permalink)
Today 07:11 AM by Ann
I have been thinking a lot lately about my codependency and how I handle it and life today...my addicted son has been gone missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere and I am no longer living in the chaos of all that...and yet, I find myself aware of traits that I thought were long gone, of codependency not yet addressed.
Yesterday, for example, my husband (who neither drinks nor drugs ever) had cataract surgery in one eye, the second will be done a few weeks from now. Although it is a simple procedure we were both a little nervous, as people get when having new procedures. Here's what I had to tell myself...
I am not his mother, my husband is a grown man fully capable of checking in at the desk with his health card and ID and answering the questions correctly...without my help or explanation.
He is entitled to feel how he feels, nervous is okay, edgy is okay, not wanting to talk is okay when sitting waiting to have someone do surgery on your eye...or any time he pleases. His feelings are his to share or not share...and I need to just butt out and let him be unless he asks for my help or input.
His edginess is not about ME...I need to back off and let him relax rather than take offense at his shortness or unwillingness to talk
He is capable of listening, understanding and following direction. Aftercare of his eye isn't complicated (keep it clean and safe and apply medicated drops as prescribed). I need to relax and let him take care of himself, helping only when asked. He knows I am there and will assist anytime, so I don't need to remind him or ask "are you okay?" a hundred times.
He is entitled to his opinions and thoughts about anything. He doesn't have to agree with me. My way and thoughts aren't the only way and because we have a difference of opinion doesn't make one of us right and the other wrong...it means we think differently about something...and that is okay, it's human and we should respect each other with dignity.
I think you get the gist. It's really true that I no longer run the world, but I need to remember that and stop trying to care for everyone, particularly those who don't want or don't ask for my help. Do you see from the highlighted parts that indeed I do play a part in how the day and situation goes? I am responsible for my part, for my actions and reactions, and need to remain aware of that.
Sometimes it's good to just encourage or support what another person wants, especially when the situation is about them and not us
Sometimes it's good to just back off, be quiet, and let the other person process their own thoughts and information...and not sit there in a funk because they want to do it on their own.
My time will come, with my own medical stuff (we are both well today but have a lot of follow up stuff after our cancers) and I realize even now, typing this that all those things above that I need to remind myself of...are things my husband already knows and does. Not a codependent bone in his body...I could learn from him.
I thought I'd share this here because our codependency isn't all about another person's addiction, it's about US and how we feel and how we respond and interact with others. I use the 12 step program in my recovery, but what I learned is that I need to practice my recovery in all areas of my daily life.
What about you...what lessons have you learned about yourself and codependency that simply apply in everyday life...are you, like me, still learning after all these years?
Reply
#2 (permalink)
Today 07:43 AM by JOIE12
Thank you Ann. Daily reminders help me in every situation. I was nearly as addicted to 'helping' as my exABF was to his drug of choice. This is my recovery. I hope you and Mr Ann are doing well. hugs, Joie
Reply
#3 (permalink)
Today 07:51 AM by Ann
Well put, Joie.
Hovering and helping when it isn't needed, wasn't requested and is clearly unwanted, is my downfall.
Thinking about this today, a lot of my codependency is based on the fear of something bad happening to people I love (based on some traumatic childhood experiences). So I am worse, much worse, when I am in a stressful situation where someone I love is sick or needing medical attention.
And the funny thing is, I probably worry more about them than myself under the same circumstances. Maybe it's a control thing...I can control me and my thoughts but not anyone else's.
I never stop learning and am pretty sure I'm learning even more here today.
Reply
#4 (permalink)
Today 08:11 AM by Anaya
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann
What about you...what lessons have you learned about yourself and codependency that simply apply in everyday life...are you, like me, still learning after all these years?
Yes, I, too, continue to learn.
I want to be open to continue to learn and also to continue recovery steps.
Honestly, though, some days, (especially when I'm under stress and/or not feeling well/more vulnerable!) old habits and not constructive ways of coping pop up and prevail and I have to remember to be very aware and conscious of what is going on and to do my best to "redirect" myself.
For example, I've been back tracking and also feeling sorry lately about how things turned out in my relationship with my son but do realize I can't get stuck in that and have to walk and work through it, can't get stuck in obsessing and then trying to control outcomes.
Your guidance and that of others here at SR has helped greatly to encourage me to stay the course.
Best wishes and prayers for you and your husband. One eye down, one to go. As did your husband, a coworker of mine had cataract surgery on two occasions - one for each eye - and she did well; she was relieved to have those cataracts gone!
Reply
#5 (permalink)
Today 08:40 AM by Refiner
Ann your post is a great example of what codependency is all about. It should be a stickie!
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My Name is Ann and I am a Codependent...still
#1 (permalink)
Today 07:11 AM by Ann
I have been thinking a lot lately about my codependency and how I handle it and life today...my addicted son has been gone missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere and I am no longer living in the chaos of all that...and yet, I find myself aware of traits that I thought were long gone, of codependency not yet addressed.
Yesterday, for example, my husband (who neither drinks nor drugs ever) had cataract surgery in one eye, the second will be done a few weeks from now. Although it is a simple procedure we were both a little nervous, as people get when having new procedures. Here's what I had to tell myself...
I am not his mother, my husband is a grown man fully capable of checking in at the desk with his health card and ID and answering the questions correctly...without my help or explanation.
He is entitled to feel how he feels, nervous is okay, edgy is okay, not wanting to talk is okay when sitting waiting to have someone do surgery on your eye...or any time he pleases. His feelings are his to share or not share...and I need to just butt out and let him be unless he asks for my help or input.
His edginess is not about ME...I need to back off and let him relax rather than take offense at his shortness or unwillingness to talk
He is capable of listening, understanding and following direction. Aftercare of his eye isn't complicated (keep it clean and safe and apply medicated drops as prescribed). I need to relax and let him take care of himself, helping only when asked. He knows I am there and will assist anytime, so I don't need to remind him or ask "are you okay?" a hundred times.
He is entitled to his opinions and thoughts about anything. He doesn't have to agree with me. My way and thoughts aren't the only way and because we have a difference of opinion doesn't make one of us right and the other wrong...it means we think differently about something...and that is okay, it's human and we should respect each other with dignity.
I think you get the gist. It's really true that I no longer run the world, but I need to remember that and stop trying to care for everyone, particularly those who don't want or don't ask for my help. Do you see from the highlighted parts that indeed I do play a part in how the day and situation goes? I am responsible for my part, for my actions and reactions, and need to remain aware of that.
Sometimes it's good to just encourage or support what another person wants, especially when the situation is about them and not us
Sometimes it's good to just back off, be quiet, and let the other person process their own thoughts and information...and not sit there in a funk because they want to do it on their own.
My time will come, with my own medical stuff (we are both well today but have a lot of follow up stuff after our cancers) and I realize even now, typing this that all those things above that I need to remind myself of...are things my husband already knows and does. Not a codependent bone in his body...I could learn from him.
I thought I'd share this here because our codependency isn't all about another person's addiction, it's about US and how we feel and how we respond and interact with others. I use the 12 step program in my recovery, but what I learned is that I need to practice my recovery in all areas of my daily life.
What about you...what lessons have you learned about yourself and codependency that simply apply in everyday life...are you, like me, still learning after all these years?
Reply
#2 (permalink)
Today 07:43 AM by JOIE12
Thank you Ann. Daily reminders help me in every situation. I was nearly as addicted to 'helping' as my exABF was to his drug of choice. This is my recovery. I hope you and Mr Ann are doing well. hugs, Joie
Reply
#3 (permalink)
Today 07:51 AM by Ann
Well put, Joie.
Hovering and helping when it isn't needed, wasn't requested and is clearly unwanted, is my downfall.
Thinking about this today, a lot of my codependency is based on the fear of something bad happening to people I love (based on some traumatic childhood experiences). So I am worse, much worse, when I am in a stressful situation where someone I love is sick or needing medical attention.
And the funny thing is, I probably worry more about them than myself under the same circumstances. Maybe it's a control thing...I can control me and my thoughts but not anyone else's.
I never stop learning and am pretty sure I'm learning even more here today.
Reply
#4 (permalink)
Today 08:11 AM by Anaya
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann
What about you...what lessons have you learned about yourself and codependency that simply apply in everyday life...are you, like me, still learning after all these years?
Yes, I, too, continue to learn.
I want to be open to continue to learn and also to continue recovery steps.
Honestly, though, some days, (especially when I'm under stress and/or not feeling well/more vulnerable!) old habits and not constructive ways of coping pop up and prevail and I have to remember to be very aware and conscious of what is going on and to do my best to "redirect" myself.
For example, I've been back tracking and also feeling sorry lately about how things turned out in my relationship with my son but do realize I can't get stuck in that and have to walk and work through it, can't get stuck in obsessing and then trying to control outcomes.
Your guidance and that of others here at SR has helped greatly to encourage me to stay the course.
Best wishes and prayers for you and your husband. One eye down, one to go. As did your husband, a coworker of mine had cataract surgery on two occasions - one for each eye - and she did well; she was relieved to have those cataracts gone!
Reply
#5 (permalink)
Today 08:40 AM by Refiner
Ann your post is a great example of what codependency is all about. It should be a stickie!
Reply
Reply
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Went to work today, I usually have Sunday's off but seen as I'm on my own right now I thought it best to stay busy. I'm glad I went because now I can have a weekday off for a change. It's nice to have the options and to pick and choose as not everyone does.
My girlfriend by chance was at home when I arrived back, she thanked me for the flowers I left at her mums and was very pleasant, she was smiling when she was chatting to me. I kept it brief and friendly and left to go to the shop.
I know I'm best not contacting and letting her be, it was just nice to see her, nothing more, nothing less
My girlfriend by chance was at home when I arrived back, she thanked me for the flowers I left at her mums and was very pleasant, she was smiling when she was chatting to me. I kept it brief and friendly and left to go to the shop.
I know I'm best not contacting and letting her be, it was just nice to see her, nothing more, nothing less
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Working today, usual stuff just keeping everything ticking over nicely. I was a bit late getting up so missed my workout but I'll do one in the morning and just pick it back up again.
I've got a gig to go to tomorrow, was supposed to go with my girlfriend but with everything going on in going with one of her friends instead.
I've not been in touch since I saw her Sunday, just posting for accountability purposes today
I've got a gig to go to tomorrow, was supposed to go with my girlfriend but with everything going on in going with one of her friends instead.
I've not been in touch since I saw her Sunday, just posting for accountability purposes today
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Join Date: May 2016
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Posts: 36
Go Stewy!
I'm 3 days in to no contact whatsoever with my addict ex. Taking it a day at a time. There are some really hard times, evenings like you said. But I can feel it's slowly getting easier every hour and every day that we don't speak. You can do this.
I'm right there with you!
I'm 3 days in to no contact whatsoever with my addict ex. Taking it a day at a time. There are some really hard times, evenings like you said. But I can feel it's slowly getting easier every hour and every day that we don't speak. You can do this.
I'm right there with you!
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