AuburnGreen25

I've been seeing a therapist who referenced me to seek out online forums and support groups for people who suffer from loving addicts.

It's been three weeks since my boyfriend of nearly four years dumped me due to a number of issues that cropped up in our relationship starting around November of last year.

My boyfriend is 28 years old and has had a history of addiction in his youth but was sober for a number of years before we dated. His choice addiction was perscription pain pills and alcohol. The first three years of our relationship were great, we had our ups and downs of course but nothing that made me question that we didn't belong together. I strongly felt that this man was my soul mate and he equally reassured me that I was "the one" for him. There wasn't a day I didn't wake up and felt blessed to have him by my side.

Out of our nearly 4 year relationship we lived together for two and a half years in a downtown city area. During the time that we were together his father passed away, he failed out of college, and he lost his job. It was after all this that he began to have issues with identity and he started to struggle with stress because he felt his future was uncertain and that he was a failure for losing out on school. I graduated college and ran my own independent business and some resentment began to crop up in our relationship because I had accomplished things he had wanted for himself. I tried my best to encourage him to get back into school but he was in such despair that any effort seemed pointless to him because he didn't believe his efforts would work. He frequently bottles his emotions up and never truly grieved his father's death and that lead to a lot of emotional stress on him as well.

During this time he sought out a new job and was hired by a local restaurant directly next to our apartment. It was during this time that our relationship began to truly suffer. The people who work at this restaurant (including the owners) are all on a number of different drugs: cocaine, perscription pain pills, heroin, weed, laced weed, acid, ecstacy, etc. You name it, someone takes or sells it. They are also all alcoholics who party every single night. The accessibility of the restaurant being right next door made it an integral part of our relationship and home life. When my boyfriend started to become closer to his co-workers he began to stay out late past work at the bars around downtown. Sometimes he wouldn't even come home until early in the morning. He would lie about where he was and ignore all texts/phone calls. When I started to become frustrated by this, he escaped to the bars even more stating that me being "miserable" and "controlling" made him not want to come home.

On his birthday he stayed at his job and drank at their bar. The bartender never cut him off and when I went to check on my boyfriend, he couldn't even stand or talk. I noticed his pupils were two severely different sizes and assessed that he had taken some sort of drug. I was terrified and livid. I tried to take him home but the bartender prevented me from doing so saying that my boyfriend didn't want me there and that if I didn't leave he would call the cops on me. I became aggressive and told him that someone gave my boyfriend drugs and he didn't uphold his bartending responsibilities by cutting him off so that if anyone was least likely to get arrested, it was me. I asked my boyfriend "friends" to help me get him home and they all threw their hands up and said it wasn't their responsibility. Thankfully a waitor picked up and carried my boyfriend home. When my boyfriend was inside I had to put myself between him and the door because he wanted to leave and walk around downtown. Cops patrol our area nightly due to the bar scenes and the homeless crowd that gathers. There was no way I'd let him go outside because he'd be arrested immediately. I was terrified he was going to hit me because he was punching the wall and banging his head into the door out of anger because I wouldn't let him go. I had to lie and tell him I would have sex with him to get him to lay down in bed. Once he lied down he thankfully passed out. While he was passed out I removed his clothes and found two baggies of weed, pills,and a substance wrapped in aluminum foil stuck inside his pocket. I was mortified. The next day my boyfriend spent doubled over the toilet puking. I took care of him and told him everything that had happened. He didn't remember anything. I showed him the drugs I found in his pocket and explained that his friends stuck them in his pockets and that he wanted to wander around downtown and that no one would help me. He was mortified and angry that they had done that to him and let him get that far gone. He didn't speak to them for about a week.

Well, having to see them and work with them every day, my boyfriend eventually forgave them but I never did. Each time he wouldn't come home or would go out to the bars with them I was sent into panic attacks and horrible anxiety. I had no idea what kind of condition he was going to be brought back in and countless times his friends would dump him off at my apartment and laugh as my drunk boyfriend mocked and harrassed me, making fun of the way I cried, calling me names, etc. It was like a game to them. Eventually each time they knew my boyfriend and I were fighting they would magically appear ready to whisk him off. It got to the point where even when my boyfriend didn't have money they would pay just to get him to come out. They fed him lies about me saying I was mad when I wasn't just to get him to not want to come home and go party. They convinced him I was a ball and chain and that I was being a "mom" and that I was manipulative/controlling. I felt like it was me against these 10 people, and I always lost. When it got to the point where he was drinking every single night, I put my foot down and tried to come to an agreement. I told him he needed to treat alcohol like a reward and not a crutch and that I didn't mind if he had a few beers every now and then, but that I just wanted to know beforehand. He had a habit of sneaking off to the bars and not telling me where he was and thus I would be racked with anxiety and then terrified when he came home smashed. I wanted to be mentally prepared and I wanted the respect that I was lacking by him hiding it from me.

Towards the end of our relationship, my boyfriend saw how his actions were affecting our relationship and he tried to get sober. For two weeks he didn't touch a drop of alcohol and our relationship was amazing. It was like we had just started dating again. It was a partnership and we helped each other in any way we could, making sure to let one another know how much they are loved and appreciated. He said he wanted to marry me and that I made him the happiest man alive, that he loved me with all his heart, etc. It was the best our relationship had been in months and I was so inexplicably happy.

But of course, another weekend came along and so did his coworkers banging on our door and the next thing I knew he wasn't home and it was 8AM. I found out he had gotten trashed and one of his coworkers loaded him up into a car and took him to a girl's house and left him there. I was furious. When he got home and we got into an explosive fight about how I couldn't believe he had went right back to his old ways again, that was when he dumped me.

At first, our break up was all about how miserable I was and what I had done wrong but an intuition lead me to find out that he had cheated on me during our relationship: he had made out with a female coworker while drunk/high at one of their parties.
That was when it turned around to how he wanted to get sober, change his life, how he was tired of hurting me, that he needed to find himself, and if we were God's will we would be brought back together, etc.
Because he was so remorseful for the cheating, I decided I could learn to forgive him but I told him he needed to quit his job, get away from his coworkers, get sober, and move out of downtown. He agreed and said that he was going to try to do all of those things. He still wanted to break up so I moved out of the apartment. When I was moving out, the people he worked with came outside to smoke and watched me as I cried on the pavement, snickering to one another and sarcastically waving to me as I left. I was devastated.

It's been three weeks since we broke up and I found out he's still spending all of his time with his coworkers and partying more than ever before, he's also spending time with the girl he cheated on me with. He also signed a new year lease on our apartment so he won't be able to move out anytime soon. The place also conveniently gave him a raise the day I moved out and with all the bills he's now paying himself--he's trapped. I also found out he's on perscription pain pills again. I've seen him post-break up and saw text messages on his phone from the girl he cheated on me with and some of his coworkers. He doesn't have money due to having to pay all the bills on his own now and because of this, his coworkers are funding his alcohol and drugs--I even saw text messages about them rewarding him with pills, weed, and alcohol for "getting the crazy psycho bitch" out of his life once and for all.

I've never had to deal with anything like this in my entire life and I've never met a group of people so volatile in all my life either. Who rewards someone with drugs and alcohol for losing everything they held dearly? I was the only person in my boyfriend's life left that was sober because he lost touch with his sober friends when he lost his college career. I'm absolutely devastated at how this has all played out and I would have never thought when we first met that this is how it would all end. I'm struggling daily with grief and worry that I'll get a phone call that he's OD'd or wrecked his car driving drunk.

I told him that there's only three places an addict ends up: in jail, rehab, or dead and explained that his coworkers will all move on if any of those things happened to him but that his family and loved ones would be forever affected. When he talks to me, away from them, all he can talk about is how he wants to get sober, get back into school, and make something of himself but as soon as he's around his coworkers all he can talk about is how psycho and awful I am (in exchange for drugs, I'm sure...)
I just can't believe that the sober boyfriend I loved and cherished dearly has turned into this complete monster. All I can do is hope and pray he wakes up one day and gets clean but I'm struggling with letting go because with all things considered, it doesn't look like that's ever going to happen....

It feels as if I'm grieving someone who has died but it's even worse because death isn't a choice and this was... I know that the real boyfriend I know and love still exists, the sober person deep down inside but his addiction has eclipsed the real him and I just feel so lost and out of control. I reached out to his family who live long distance and let them know everything and they said they were going to get him help and talk to him but they came down this past weekend and didn't do anything or talk about it... I feel so alone and I feel so pathetic and guilty because I miss him so incredibly bad.

I just wish someone understood me and where I am coming from...
I not only lost the love of my life, I lost my home, my future, my best friend, the person I told everything to and spent every day with... I've had depression and suicidal thoughts since our break up but I'm trying to be strong. I just feel so out of control and like I failed and somehow I could have prevented this if I had just done something differently...

I've tried to talk with him since our break up but he's not the same person at all. When he stands in front of me it's as if I'm looking at a stranger. He looks exhausted, high or drunk, and dehydrated. He's usually irritable and says horrible mean things to me.

How do I move on? How do I support him and guard my own heart? I love and care for this man so much that I still want to be there for him, but I don't want to do anything that would further push him to do drugs and drink alcohol... I'm just so lost... I don't know what to do...

SparkleKitty

Hello, and welcome. I'm so glad you found us, but so sorry for the reason you had to come looking.

I want you to know that this is not your fault. You didn't fail. You couldn't have prevented this. There is nothing you can do or not do that will "further push him to do drugs and drink alcohol". The very best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

He may say that he wants to get sober, but his actions tell a different story. He is deep into his addiction right now, and while the sober person you know may be deep down inside, it is up to him to find his better self.

If you want to move on, start by letting go. I know you want to be there for him but it is coming at the cost of your own well-being and that is not acceptable. Try to accept him for the person he is today, not the person you wish he was or think he could be, and take all that energy and time you are spending worrying over him and use it to take care of yourself.

Please read around the site as much as you can, especially the other Friends and Family forums which tend to be a little more active than this one.

JennaRoseMadre

I want to tell you I read every word and wish I could give you a big hug.

pearlady

Auburn,

I am in a very similar circumstance and I 100% understand the pain that you are in. I have been so confused and hurt too.

I have been holding on because I see glimpses of my sober guy now and then. And even a few weeks ago he tried to get clean/sober.

Everything has blown up and he thinks he can have all of the addiction, addict friends, and other girls and still have me.

You see, he does love me but he is ashamed of how he has treated me lately. So he doesn't want to talk to me, he has been pushing me away.

I can't fix any of this, but somehow I'm unsatisfied that I cannot even try.

It's like it all got lost. I'm with you in your pain.

AuburnGreen25

Thank you, JennaRoseMadre... I really appreciate your kindness.

AuburnGreen25

I'm glad that you understand me but my heart breaks to know you're going through this too. I've entered the no contact period because things have gotten even messier since I last left this and I'm just so tired of being hurt and strung along. I found out he's now seeing an 18 year old from his work and that he is planning on living with her. No signs of sobriety or changing in sight. So now I'm left to grieve the man he once was and most likely will never be again and just try to pick up the pieces of my life and fit them back together. When I saw him last, I felt revolted because he looked nothing like the man I once loved but then I see photos of the two of us together from our past and my heart just shatters. It really is as if someone has died. Each day I wake up and for a minute forget that this all has happened but then it all hits me and the empty weight of it all completely crushes me. I never thought in the years we spent together that I would lose the love of my life to drugs and alcohol but here I stand... I thought love and the fear of losing me would win because my love and fear of losing him conquered all. I thought that he loved and cherished me enough to do anything for me--including getting sober-- but I was too niave. Now here I am, feeling worthless and abandoned, alone and unloved.

pearlady

I have always thought...love is supposed to win. Love conquers all. But now I am not so sure. When it comes to drugs and alcohol... it's the wild west. I've fought for my sweetheart, I have dug in my heels and fought. My bf has decided upon going to rehab but his family cannot afford to send him to detox first so he has to do it at home. He has tried once before and we were completely unprepared for what was to come. He made it about 14 days then gave in. He went through psychosis. It was a horrible experience for all involved. This time we know what to expect so he has anti anxiety meds on hand to help him cope. I pray he makes it through. It's now or never. Either he quits now or he will lose everything. I cannot continue with a drug addict. I hope love wins, but not our love, I hope his self love wins. If I have to give him up, the pain will be excruciating. But I won't be the first to hurt this way.

sunny053

Auburn, sending gigantic hugs your way. You have had a horrible experience and I'm so sorry to read everything you have been going through.

First off you need to know - you're not alone. Many people are in similar situations to you, and it can be absolutely heartbreaking. Addiction is a terrible thing that destroys the lives of users and those around them. But there is hope and you will survive this.

I know this is really hard to come to terms with, but your boyfriend is gone. The person you fell in love with, wanted to marry and spend the rest of your life with isn't here anymore, and it has nothing to do with you and you can't change it. He is the one who's responsible for his own life, not you. He has hurt you. He's abused you. You are an amazing person who has already achieved so much - you've graduated college and had your own business. This is a sign of your own strength and hard-working nature. Your ex has run into some life stresses, and this has triggered his dormant addictive personality to become active. This has nothing to do with you, and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. Nor could you have known when you met him that he could ever be capable of any of the things you've highlighted that he has done. You met him at a time of his life when he was stable and going well, and he was probably beautiful and amazing.

Those people who he fell in with are not his friends. They don't even sound like real friends with each other. They are a group of addicts, who also sound quite twisted and emotionally unstable, and they have found each other and are maintaining each other's unhealthy, damaging lifestyles. This isn't your fault, and they have treated you terribly. It isn't worth being upset about their opinions of you, because they aren't rational or valid. Although your ex may have truly cared for you deep down, as you've said he told you he wanted to get clean and be the person you needed him to be, his actions don't reflect this. That's what you need to pay attention to, because it's the most important thing about what is happening right now.

Please don't torture yourself over what you can do to help him. There is nothing you can do for him. He is the only person capable of changing his life for the better, and it's not fair for you to have to worry about him or wait around in the hope that he might get better. He has disrespected you horribly, and has physically and emotionally abused you. You are an amazingly strong person because, as much as it hurt to be away from him, you got out of there and you're here now asking for help.

I understand the pain and torture you're going through right now, I was exactly where you are about 3 weeks ago. And I'm telling you it's going to get better. Take things a day at a time. There are many people here who care and understand your pain. Don't be afraid to talk to friends and family about how you're feeling, and if you're able to, I really recommend getting some counselling or other form of therapy. Now is the time to grieve the good times you lost, and to accept things the way they are now. You can take control of your own life, as you've shown you have in the past, and begin to heal and find yourself again. I wish you the best of luck. Hugs to you xoxo

Ariesagain

So much good advice above, so I'll just say that what an addict does comes entirely from within themselves, from the choice to use to the choice to try to stop. Nothing you did or didn't do, are or aren't, said or didn't say, would have made any difference.

Sending you a big hug. Someday you will look back and be relieved this relationship ended, but I know how much it hurts now.

Sephra

I thought that he loved and cherished me enough to do anything for me--including getting sober--

This line hit home for me. When I was a child, my father was an active alcoholic, and at that time, I had the same mind set. It was many years later, when I became addicted in my own right, that I began to understand that it had nothing to do with me, or his feelings about me. It was his own demons.

Someone once said to me, that he was drinking because he couldn't stand being sober. It was something I couldn't quite understand until I found myself in the same shoes.

It really doesn't have anything to do with how much your addict loves you. If only it were that easy...

PlasticInsanity

sunny053 hit the nail on the hammer for me, so I won't touch on that stuff.

However, I felt the need to respond to give you a heads up. If I read your post correctly, your ex is living it up with his "friends" who supply him drugs, an empty apartment free from anyone reminding him of responsibility looks like, and a possible new girlfriend who's also into the habit like he is. From my own experience as a now former using addict (I'm in recovery), that's what I remember as the fun part of my addiction days. He's not going to sober up during this time because it's still fun - for now. The irony of addiction is that while I thought I was living it up, I was actually on a slow downward spiral. I didn't notice this until was free-falling to my bottom. When I was emotionally exhausted, in financial trouble, and ready to take my life for the 3rd time - I found a 12-step program. Oh, and because I'm a stubborn ass, I hit another bottom before getting clean (2 years now woohoo!).

Anyways, when the bad days come around for him, and they will - there is a good chance he is going to come crawling back. Whether it's to borrow money while laying on some thick sob story, a place to stay because he's been evicted, or whatever, you need to have a solid ground so that you can see through his BS. My addicted LO had the crying act to an Oscar-level art, and I spent probably $200+ trying to save her ass. What'd it get me? A whole whack of resentments, lol. Start learning about Co-Dependency now, and search up Nar-Anon meetings in your area.

Take care of yourself.

Sandraxia

In addition to what the other posters have said, I'd like to say that what you have is the complete opposite of a problem. You had a huge problem which decided to walk away from your life. I am sure you've gotten over the lovesickness by now, but whenever you feel tempted to go back, think of all the ugly scenes you had together (him sneaking out without telling you where he is, him punching objects near you to frighten you into submission) and imagine a toddler standing right there next to you, crying fearfully because daddy regularly turns into a monster and mommy yells and cries and can't do anything. If that image doesn't instantly repel you from the loser, I don't know what does.

MAYA1

Hi, I am very sorry for what brings you here. I have been in similar situation. I know the pain. Reading your post reminded me many bad moments.

I have gone to the alanon and started to listen "free domain radio / relationshops" (you can find on YouTube and it's truly amazing. It helped me so much).

I know you hurt but please, do not get back with him.

What I see from outside (and you will be able to see it one day too). He lied to you, he cheated, he treated you badly, he made fun of you with his coworkers. He broke your hurt! This is Not your friend! Would you allow your friends treat you like that? Do you really think this is the best you can do? I'm sure not, I'm sure you can do much better. He sounds like a total as§.

Most of us here got hurt a lot and we also thought we lost our friend. But to be honest, we all can get much much better friends. You got a lesson. Never ever loose yourself like that again. Go to therapy, alanon and listen to that radio on YouTube. You will see that him being gone from your life is Good!

Kitkat255

I am going thru the exact same thing. I has ro let him go The grief and heartache is beyond me but I also know I'd I was thèré in that home I would be broke ans feeling so unloved. I have come to the realization that these type of men are sick and they wreck anything in there path. Its very hard bit trust me it's not worth it. the posts on here have been really helping me. I also am getting myself into a therapist. its such a long road but I'd they care at all they will find help and its up to them to so that. hugs to u

katmandoodle

I am very sorry for your pain. My story is similiar as many on here are. I had only 9 months of happiness with my ex addict boyfriend but I was amazingly happy for most of that time. About three months into the relationship, I found out he was a Crack addict. He eventually went into a rehab program but life changed very quickly. He was no longer the man I thought I had grown to know and love..he withdrew, shutdown, and ended up meeting and dating someone he met in recovery just 3 weeks after we had ended things. He will not talk to or see me. We had such a good time together .so much happiness. It would have been a year this month that I met him. I've not seen him since Dec. 5 when he met me to give me closure. I tried to kiss on his cheek goodbye and he wiped his face after. This man seemed so in love with me. We danced in the kitchen, went camping, to the beach, he cooked for me, rubbed my hair and I never felt so beautiful. I've been so sad and depressed because I lost who I thought was my friend and my future. I have cried for months. Al-a non helps..but time is my only true friend. Stay strong..and I sm here if I can help in any way. Good night...try to remind yourself that there is nothing you could have did. He has to want to save himself.

chambersk71

I feel so much of your pain because I'm going through the same experience at this time. Reading your story just made me relive every aspect of mine. I was always the bad guy, the one's that were his so called friends and even family members that knew he was close to death would still offer drugs and alcohol to him or they would enable him by taking him to get it. I was the one who cared the most and wanted the best for him and knew there was so much more to life than what he was putting himself through. His excuse was always that it was a disease. I believe that to a point, but I also believe it's a choice. I believe that so many are scared of getting sober because 1) the withdrawals 2) they have to feel pain and face their demons that they have been hiding behind due to addiction. The one thing they don't understand is the source of there addiction is still there once they sober up again. It's just a vicious cycle. Here is a little of what I'm going through:
I'm not a recovering addict myself, but have been in a relationship with someone who was an addict to a large spectrum of drugs and alcohol and he even went as far as selling it. We met in a recovery unit, me for depression and at the time I thought he was there for the same, but later came to find out that he had of horrid past of drugs and alcohol abuse. I should have know to get out then, but at the time I was at such a low point in my life that any attention from anyone felt good. I eventually ended up falling in love with him and he eventually moved in with me for almost a year. His alcohol and drug abuse became worse and worse each day and there were weekly visits to the ER because of it. He eventually had to leave and go back home because he had busted out a window in my apartment and I had become emotionally and physically drained with trying to keep him sober and safe. I wasn't going to enable him any further and watch him die in front of me. I had become a prisoner to his addiction. Even though he moved back to his hometown we still remained a couple. I have not seen him in years because he had shown no change even though he made promise after promise to get sober. There were lies and cheating on his part constantly. Recently he went to a sober facility where he stayed 6 months and we talked on a daily basis, but during that time he met another addict in recovery. He lied and told me over and over again there was no one. He left because she had left and both got together where they both relapsed. He went on for two months doing every drug possible and he eventually went back to treatment in June. He left treatment a month ago and before leaving he was already talking about using. He just went through 2 weeks of horrible withdrawals from Suboxone and he went on to say he just wanted to get a fix. He has had no where to go or stay because all of his family and friends have basically cut him out their lives. The girl from recovery went to pick him up from the recovery center and offered him to live with her, but he declined and said it just wasnt right. He was staying with his dad, but his dad told him it was time to go. He tried several places to rent, but he was not approved because he owed money to the previous place that he rented. He begged and begged to come live with me but I could not allow that because he was still talking of using and I was not going to be his enabler. We were making plans to see one another and he was constantly telling me how much he loved me, I was his one true love and that if he were to ever marry again, it would be me. I thought everything was going great, until I found out that he was still talking to the girl that he had met in recovery. He told me there was nothing between them and they were just friends. He told me he was going off on a boys weekend this past weekend and come to find out he was with her and had moved in with her. He didn't have the decency to tell me the truth. He was telling me he loved me till the day he left with her. I called him wanting an explanation and he had me on speaker with her there and I asked him how he could say all those things and he proceeded to call me a liar and said that he never said those things and I tend to ruin his life every time. I'm so heart broken right now and I don't understand his logic and how he could treat someone like that or even why. He has been daily part of my life for the past 5 years and I just cant imagine him not being there any longer. I need some insight from some of you and try to understand why he may have went so far as to do what he did.

I feel like I'm going through a death as well, but I hope that as times goes by I will be able to overcome. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope you are doing well, considering its been some time since you posted .