I can't stop worrying about my ex
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 1
I can't stop worrying about my ex
Hi there
I have been looking these sites for quite some time. I was with my partner for 8 years and shared some very happy times and love him dearly. He has always had a problem with cocaine and has had peaks and troughs in his use. He used to go months and months with nothing then slipped into using constantly. I have stood by him through it all and tried my best to help, but looking back I think the best thing I could of done was leave sooner. He recently started drinking as well which was something he had always hated. I think he was drinking to try and hide the effects of the drugs from me, but I knew from the trips to the bathroom, the mood swings and the paranoia that the drugs were back! He started accusing me of cheating and was having dillusional thoughts about me being on dating websites and porn sites! It was ridiculous but so real in his mind.
After 8 years he could see he had dragged me to the bottom and I was ready to leave, he then became violent. That was my last straw and 7 weeks later I am still determined not to go back this time. He has been on week long benders since I left and has harassed me and threatened me, then changed and cried and begged me for my help. I have now cut all contact with him and changed my number. I have friends and family which can inform me of how he is doing but I am finding it so so hard not to call him to see how he is getting on. I want to hear his voice and tell him it will all be ok, but I know I could set him back if he is doing ok and then I appear again.
He is due to see a counsellor which I never thought he would do, but I'm worried he is doing it for me and not himself. I want nothing more than for him to sort this for good but too much has happened between us for me to ever go back even if he did change I would always be scared it would happen again. I don't know how to shut my self off as I've been his partner, Carer and mother for 8 years and am so tempted to contact him. I am seeing a counsellor for my issues as I've lost all confidence and now realise he was controlling me and depending on me and I think the second I Speak to him i will fall straight back into his arms and believe everything he tells me. How can I stop worrying or at least start thinking it's not my responsibility to fix this man who has broken me?
Help please?!
I have been looking these sites for quite some time. I was with my partner for 8 years and shared some very happy times and love him dearly. He has always had a problem with cocaine and has had peaks and troughs in his use. He used to go months and months with nothing then slipped into using constantly. I have stood by him through it all and tried my best to help, but looking back I think the best thing I could of done was leave sooner. He recently started drinking as well which was something he had always hated. I think he was drinking to try and hide the effects of the drugs from me, but I knew from the trips to the bathroom, the mood swings and the paranoia that the drugs were back! He started accusing me of cheating and was having dillusional thoughts about me being on dating websites and porn sites! It was ridiculous but so real in his mind.
After 8 years he could see he had dragged me to the bottom and I was ready to leave, he then became violent. That was my last straw and 7 weeks later I am still determined not to go back this time. He has been on week long benders since I left and has harassed me and threatened me, then changed and cried and begged me for my help. I have now cut all contact with him and changed my number. I have friends and family which can inform me of how he is doing but I am finding it so so hard not to call him to see how he is getting on. I want to hear his voice and tell him it will all be ok, but I know I could set him back if he is doing ok and then I appear again.
He is due to see a counsellor which I never thought he would do, but I'm worried he is doing it for me and not himself. I want nothing more than for him to sort this for good but too much has happened between us for me to ever go back even if he did change I would always be scared it would happen again. I don't know how to shut my self off as I've been his partner, Carer and mother for 8 years and am so tempted to contact him. I am seeing a counsellor for my issues as I've lost all confidence and now realise he was controlling me and depending on me and I think the second I Speak to him i will fall straight back into his arms and believe everything he tells me. How can I stop worrying or at least start thinking it's not my responsibility to fix this man who has broken me?
Help please?!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hi and welcome. sorry for what brings you here.
whenever VIOLENCE enters the picture, the party is OVER. the RELATIONSHIP is over, because to continue would imply that it is ok for you to be hurt. so you did well to get away.
and now you must STAY away. i noticed you said you were his partner, carer and mother............this is what happens over time when involved with an addict in active addiction......there CEASES to be a partnership of any type.....the addict is fused to their drugs, and we get whatever is left.
which is usually a big fat mess. but as soon as we cease being a partner, the RELATIONSHIP is over. when we move to become their caretakers and/or their mothers, there is no going back.
he is delusional, paranoid and violent. DO NOT GO BACK. he is DANGEROUS, volatile and unpredictable. do not CALL to see how HE is doing. i can guarantee you he is not on a website right now discussing how worried he is about YOUR well being. coke has got him in a fierce grip. and not likely to let go anytime soon.
to give this all a different spin.....let's say it WAS your job to FIX him.....well, i'd have to say then YOU did a pretty lousy job of it eh? he isn't better after 8 years, he's worse.
in reality tho, we know it is not nor ever HAS been your job to fix another human being. he's not a sink, you're not a plumber. he's not a car, you're not a mechanic. he is a faulty human with a devious disease and only he can save himself.
whenever VIOLENCE enters the picture, the party is OVER. the RELATIONSHIP is over, because to continue would imply that it is ok for you to be hurt. so you did well to get away.
and now you must STAY away. i noticed you said you were his partner, carer and mother............this is what happens over time when involved with an addict in active addiction......there CEASES to be a partnership of any type.....the addict is fused to their drugs, and we get whatever is left.
which is usually a big fat mess. but as soon as we cease being a partner, the RELATIONSHIP is over. when we move to become their caretakers and/or their mothers, there is no going back.
he is delusional, paranoid and violent. DO NOT GO BACK. he is DANGEROUS, volatile and unpredictable. do not CALL to see how HE is doing. i can guarantee you he is not on a website right now discussing how worried he is about YOUR well being. coke has got him in a fierce grip. and not likely to let go anytime soon.
to give this all a different spin.....let's say it WAS your job to FIX him.....well, i'd have to say then YOU did a pretty lousy job of it eh? he isn't better after 8 years, he's worse.
in reality tho, we know it is not nor ever HAS been your job to fix another human being. he's not a sink, you're not a plumber. he's not a car, you're not a mechanic. he is a faulty human with a devious disease and only he can save himself.
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