PlentyGood

My sister is a tragically bad alcoholic. She has chunks of sobriety (month or two) and then starts drinking again and drinks straight vodka, rum, and wine. Multiple bottles per day. She has been drinking heavily for about four to five years.

She tried to commit suicide on Tuesday. She was placed on involuntary hold but somehow managed to be discharged from the hospital on the same day. She is currently in a hotel room.

She wants me to come get her and help her detox. She needs someone there with her when the anxiety, pain, and vomiting start. It is so painful that if she is alone she will start drinking again to ease the pain and symptoms. I want to be with her and I want to help her. I know I can't help her not to drink again, but I can sit with her for three days while she detoxes. My parents have helped her detox several times. I'm wondering what the right thing is to do. I don't want her to die. It is a desperate situation and I'm so sad for her. I feel bad that she has this terrible disease. She doesn't want to be like this but doesn't see a way out.

Ariesagain

Can you get her back into medical detox? Each detox is riskier as the addiction worsens...even better if you can get her into rehab that has med detox as well?

She really should be in professional care now...why did she check herself out of the hospital, do you know?

BunnyNest

The detoxes truly do get worse. It is the kindling effect. I've seen it. She needs medical care. You can not provide the level of care she needs.

PlentyGood

I wish I could get her into a medical detox and rehab. She is currently uninsured. She checks herself out because she doesn't want to be there. I think she thinks she can do it on her own. She thinks she can get sober by willpower alone. She has tried AA in the past and has stuck with it for some time and then stopped. She hasn't seen the same therapist twice and she somehow convinced the doctor to let her out of involuntary hold.

Ariesagain

It would be really rough to watch someone spend three days being terribly ill, getting no sleep youself, and wondering if now is the time to call 911. She could die this time, especially if her recent suicide attempt involved drugs or alcohol.

I guess you could look into involuntary committal laws in your state...you can google alcohol help hotlines in your area and find out options? But at some point, it's up to her. You can tell her, though, that just because she's been okay in the past is no guarantee she'll survive this time.

I'm sorry you're going through this...it can be so hard to figure out the line between helping and enabling. I'm hoping others will have better advice.

Seren

911, in my opinion, is your best option at this point. Detox from alcohol is really the most difficult. If your sister can be convinced to go to the ER again, I think it would be in her best interest and in yours. We, the family members and friends, are simply not qualified to handle a detox from alcohol or drugs.

I'm so sorry you are being placed in this position. You and your sister are in my prayers.

totfit

Your sister seems to be laying the responsibility for her sobriety on you. It is not your responsibility, but hers. Let her know that you will help her get back in the hospital for detox and that you love her, but that this is her responsibility. It is safest for sure in a hospital, but on the other hand she should not need a "sitter" if she chooses not to be in a hospital. If she is bad enough that she needs a sitter, she needs a professional setting.

Bird615

I didn't do anything about my own alcoholism until no one wanted anything more to do with me. When my family wasn't there for me anymore, I finally reached out for help and went to a detox and then into treatment and AA.

On the other side of the coin, I had to realize and then accept that my alcoholic boyfriend might die when I let him go, but by then I knew I had done everything I could to help him choose sobriety.

BunnyNest

I went through so many detoxes with one of my qualifiers. I finally realized I was enabling them in doing so and it was my codependency that was fully in charge of my life.

I was missing days at work. That was time I was not spending with my husband and kids. I skipped my daily exercise. I kept putting myself last and I continued to do so until I reached my bottom. I then fully understood that I needed to put my own oxygen mask on first and that my loved one was an adult that already had experience in AA, detoxes and rehab. They knew where true help was located when they were truly serious about sobriety.

I truly believe my quote in my signature now. I can feel compassion for my loved ones without acting on it.

It is so hard, I know. Hugs to you.

atalose

Not to be the cynical one here, but a suicide attempt that resulted in involuntary hold but then released the same day is very questionable and maybe you've not been given the full true story.

She was in a medical facility where getting into a detox would have ideal but she turned away from that. And as you stated, she's been down this road before and keeps coming back around to the same place.

I know she is pulling at your heart strings right now but as it was pointed out to you she's placing the responsibility of her sobriety in your hands and that's not only mean but cruel.

If this was me the most I would do is give a list of detoxes and phone numbers to her and tell her if and when she serious about getting sober she can make the plans.

PlentyGood

Thank you for the replies. All is wise advice and I appreciate it. I am with her now. She is semi-abusive and keeps lamenting that I do not understand. I'm not arguing with her. I'm neutral and minding my own business. I think she's agitated from withdrawal and is also upset that she cannot push my buttons.

Tuesday morning she spent a great deal of time in her closed garage with the engine running. She called suicide hotline and she states "they somehow figured out where I lived." The paramedics and cops came. She was placed on involuntary hold. She somehow convinced them that she was on a "binge" and having a hard time, and please could she go home because she has a solid support system. They gave her Ativan, told het to "taper" and let her go home. Cops put her on involuntary hold--it's at discretion of hospital to enforce it for 72 hours. My sister cannot taper.

The next day my father called the police because she "took off" from their home instead of going to work. The cops did not arrest her for DUI. They brought her back to my parents house. My father is codependent and follows her and checks up on her constantly. He doesn't believe in AA or therapy and thinks she can will herself out of it. I'm not blaming him. Ultimately it is up to my sister. She is an adult who can draw boundaries but the whole thing is nuts.

I left my sister's side today for a bit to go home and shower. I was going to stay home but now I'm back and I know I shouldn't be here. My husband thinks since I told her I would sit with her for today, I should honor my promise and not do it again in the future.

Yesterday was my son's birthday. My sister and my son both share the same birthday. So yesterday was birthday day and my sister is drunk and suicidal. She fled to a hotel because she feel like she cannot drink at home because my father is "stalking" her. Instead of fully enjoying my son's birthday, I am worried about my sister and wondering if she was dead or alive. And that's my fault.

Thank you again for the replies.

Ariesagain

If it gets worse and it probably will, call 911 and tell them she's in alcohol withdrawal. Tell them you are unable to stay with her...hopefully they'll put her back in the hospital.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.

PlentyGood

Thank you. I'm back at home. We listened to a few AA speakers on YouTube and then she thought she could sleep, so she asked me to leave.

It is such a sad situation but I'm getting better at detaching with love and realizing that there is nothing I can do or say to make my sister quit drinking. She said if there was an easy, painless way to die, she would have done it already. I am probably negligent in not trying to get her involuntarily committed for her safety but I don't think she is going to do anything tonight. That might be naive of me, but it's my gut feeling.

Thanks for allowing me to share.

Seren

If she is staying at your father's house, I hope that he will be willing to call 911 if needed. If she lives alone, and she calls you or texts you talking about suicide, please call 911 yourself. Each and every time.

If she is serious about harming herself, she will be getting the help she needs. If she is being dramatic for attention, she will learn to not do so again if she knows you will always call 911.

I know the feeling of hopelessness associated with watching someone you love be so self-destructive...I think we all do here.

When my now late husband and I were engaged, his son was running and gunning on crack and alcohol. Our conversations were so wrapped up in his son that we began to call it "Topic Number 1". *sigh* Now that my husband is gone, I wish we had learned to let that go much sooner and enjoyed each other's company more without TN1 consuming all of our mental space.

Because, my stepson is still drinking, still not making good choices for himself, so none of our worrying early on helped him or changed the course of his disease at all. And as I look back, we wasted valuable time we could have spent just simply enjoying each other's company. Regrets, I've had a few....

Anyway, what I'm rambling on about is this...Happy Happy Birthday to your son. Please embrace your family. Encourage your sister to get the help she needs, but know that she has to really want sobriety for herself in order for any of it to take hold. Something that helped me early on are the "3 C's":

You did not Cause this to happen.
You cannot Control what she is going to do.
You cannot Cure her.

Hang in there, and have a wonderful weekend with your family!

PlentyGood

Thank you. She lives in the next subdivision over from mine. I drove over there this morning and she is alive. Okay but not okay.

Sometimes she lives with my parents, even though she has a house of her own, in order to be "watched". It's crazy and hopefully my parents will realize the three Cs as well because I think what we are doing is more harmful than helpful.

Thank you for the wise words of advice and thank you for the three Cs. They are much needed.

atalose

Yupe!!

So your dad is apposed to AA and therapy, what about you? How about checking out al-anon and or seeking some professional help for yourself with this situation.

BunnyNest

How are you doing PlentyGood?

I've been thinking of you.

PlentyGood

Hi BunnyNest,

I'm exhausted. I sat with her on Friday night and she lashed out at me. She says, "Just leave. You don't want to be here. Just leave." "You don't want to take care of me. You don't want to help me." I am neutral. I was beside her, on the bed, reading my book, minding my own business, and she lashes out at me. I finally left. I told her to call me in the morning if she wanted me to drive her to the hospital or detox.

I've been good about telling her --"You need help. I love you. If you need me to bring you to detox, call me." -- when she calls. She calls constantly. She talks a good game and says she wants help and says she wants to detox more than anything until you're ready to go. Then she decides that she's "disgusting". Or, "they're not going to take me." Or, "they're not going to help me." Or, "They're mean to me." Or, "I don't know if I can do it. It hurts too much." Or, I can go and detox but after it hurts to be sober." "Real life hurts. It hurts being me." "I don't know how to live."
"I don't know how to stop."

So, like a dumdum I try to rationalize with her a little bit -- there is hope, you feel helpless but the people around you know it's not helpless, you can heal, you can get to a better place, yada, yada, yada.

She has injured her arm. She fell down and is injured. I offered to take her for x-rays. She refuses. She wants to complain about the arm constantly. I offer sympathy but it is not good enough. She wants to complain and complain about EVERYTHING but does nothing to help herself. Alcoholism is a baffling disease.

Today I was at work and could not answer her calls. She called my husband and he reiterated that we cannot help her, that she needs professional help, and that if she wanted him to drive her to detox, he would. He went to her house and had to pretty much beg her to get into the car. They arrive at detox, he has to beg her to get out of the car and go in. The nurse calls her back and my sister states that she cannot walk and needs a stretcher. The nurse says if you cannot ambulate on your own we cannot admit you. Upon hearing that, my sister stood up and walked back for the interview. They did not accept her because there were no available beds. They gave her info on three other detoxes in the area but she's not interested. She says she is very interested in detoxing, and wants to live, but when it comes to getting real help, she refuses.

She wants to go to my parents' house. She wants to stay there so she can "be sober." I think she likes the comfort of my parents' house. She likes someone watching over her. My mom is at her wit's end and is not interested in enabling her. My father is very worried about her (they both are) and wants to help her. He would have her live at his house forever if she would stay there and be sober.

**Sexual assault Trigger Warning --Distressing Information Below**

Last night she called me on the phone and confessed that she was raped when she was in the 4th grade. There was a man in our neighborhood, a father of a girl my sister's age. The two girls were friends and this man raped and molested my sister. I believe my sister is telling the truth. She has lied many times before but the details were believable and it is very distressing for her to talk about it. She has never told anyone about it in her life except for one serious boyfriend. I don't think she would make something like this up and it explains a lot of my sister's behavior growing up.

I am so sad for her. I said I was so sorry that happened, and that I loved her, and that I was desperate for her and that if she wanted help to call me.

All along she has been begging me to call my parents to "convince" them to let her detox at their house. I refused. She made me promise not to tell anyone about he sexual assault and I said I wouldn't. I wanted to tell my parents because I'm afraid my sister is going to die. Tonight she called my parents and told them about the rape. My dad went and picked her up and now she is with them.

It's not funny at all but sometimes I cannot help to laugh at some of the ridiculousness of it all. The fact that she says she cannot walk when she can. The fact that she begged me not to tell anyone about the abuse, but called my parents and told them. She is desperate and wants so badly to be at their house because she wants someone to protect her from herself. She is at the end of her rope -- hopefully.

History has shown a pattern. After a while she grows resentful of my parents and starts talking about how they are distressing. She wants to drink and grows resentful because she thinks they are keeping her from it.

I feel very sad for my sister. I have compassion for her and I'm sorry that she has endured so much trauma when she was a child. But at the end of the day she has to deal with it the best way she can, hopefully heal, and get on with trying to get sober. It's a mess. It's a complex problem --- she hates herself, has shame, and "obsessive thoughts." I don't doubt that she is a huge amount of distress, and I would cure it if I could, but I cannot.

PuzzledHeart

PlentyGood, my sister was assaulted too, and four years after she told me she still hasn't told my parents. She's said that nobody would believe her even though this man has a documented history of physically abusing people to the point that he sends them to the hospital.

^This.


I'm beginning to think that detaching is an incredibly good idea because I'm really tired of becoming my sister's punching bag. I've noticed, and she's actually noticed too, that she's at her worst behavior with me when she feels insecure about herself. And when she strikes, I get incredibly angry and frustrated to the point that I become a raging lunatic, which is what she wants. She wants me to feel the shame that she feels on a daily basis. Misery loves company I guess.

What I'm trying to learn is that even though I know what her motivations are for behaving the ways she does, it still doesn't make her behavior right. I can't fight her demons for her. Her demons have their own venom, and if try to take the impossible task of slaying them all I do is risk being bitten and poisoned in my own right.

Ariesagain

You are not a mental health professional, which is what she needs.

Provoking you into anger may momentarily make her feel better, but it's terrible for you.

One lesson I've learned in the past few years the hard way is that stress really will kill you. You have to protect yourself.