Need Clarity
 

Maybe someone can shed some light.

I've posted about my AS son. I was married to his father for 15 years and finally decided to divorce. Through those years I was abandoned by him (and cheated on) several times. I had some really horrific and frightening years. He died (D&A OD) soon after I remarried. My second husband is a kind and good man, thankfully.

I've been to counselors to discuss this mess, but they tell me it's over and move one. Which I have done to a great extent. But now that my AS is repeating the behavior of his father (blaming me and cutting me out of his life) all of this is swirling around and I'm really very depressed. I feel my life is that of an abused woman and can't shake it.

I have not found Al Anon to be very helpful. Maybe I'm in the wrong group, but I feel I don't fit.

I don't really know what I'm asking here, maybe just venting because there is no one I can say this to.

So sorry about your son. Is there Nar-Anon where you live? My son is an addict (currently in recovery). I started in Al-Anon, but found Nar-Anon a much better fit for me. The link is
Nar-Anon Family Groups. If you can't find a local meeting there may be on-line meetings available. We recently moved to an area with Al-Anon only, no Nar-Anon, so I am trying again with Al-Anon but I read a lot of Nar-Anon literature.

Hello, Bella.

If I may say so: If you're feeling depressed, it seems the advice of the counselors is out of place. Have those counselors provided constructive suggestions to you as to how to handle and work through your feelings as well as suggestions for dealing with issues in the relationship of you and your son?

Maybe seek guidance from another source?

I am sorry for your experiences and hope you may find helpful ways to move through the grief and pain to eventually get to a better place.

We care and are here to listen. :grouphug:

Hi Bella,

I have a similar experience. My son's father was abusive and died from suicide. My son was also abusive when drinking.

It does feel very similar and it's hard not to tie it in with their father's abuse and see it as the same. My son also blamed me for his father's death.
I think males have such a hard time with their father's abandonment and I know my son's drinking was a way for him to cope with some of that.

My son's behavior seriously triggered all the emotions from his father's abuse and his father's death. The similarity in behavior triggered all the fear of suicide. It triggered all the fear of being abused even though it was just verbal abuse from my son and never physical abuse.

Your counselor is dismissing you and all the complicated issues as a result of abuse. Would it be possible to find a counselor that works specifically with abuse victims?

It was also hard for me to separate my son from his father. Some of the anger I had toward his father was misplaced and directed toward my son. It is difficult to sort it all out.

I agree with Anaya and MG about finding a new counselor. Sometimes it takes a few tries before we find someone that really understands us and helps us. You've been through the wringer and nobody should dismiss that.

In the meantime, continue posting here at SR. You'll find a lot of support from people that are, unfortunately, all too familiar with the havoc that addiction brings into our lives. Sometimes I found that just typing out and venting about my situation was helpful.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Thank you all for your input.

mayabee: Maybe another group would be a better fit. I need to try again.

anaya and Sara21: I think you are right about another counselor. The one I have admittedly has not worked with addiction. I should have moved on before this.

MorningGlory: Such a heavy, heavy burden to carry. I hope you can find serenity, too, in spite of it. And yes, the lives of the two addicts entwine themselves around me and I feel strangled sometimes, even though one is dead and one has no contact. Even trying to take part in an Al Anon meeting, I find myself going in and out of the feelings resulting from both of them. It's weird. Is the hurt from my XAH or my AS? It's both. Sometimes I think I should write it all out, like a book. But I'm afraid someone will see it and know all the ugly truth.