Leftover

Has anyone or everyone been here? I've created a place in my life where I was serene. My addicted son was actively using, getting DUI's, doing jail time, getting divorced, completely ignoring me and his father and sisters, and very effectively living the life of a severely, affected drug addict. Somehow that was alright with me. I had detached years ago, thus the complete ignoring on his part. I had found fulfillment in myself , my children and my grandchildren. BUT THEN IT HAPPENED..........HE ASKED TO BE BACK IN OUR LIVES!!! He was sober, he was homeless, he was sick, he was bi-polar, he was depressed, he was cold, he was hungry, he was lonely, he was suicidal. He wanted his family back. Well, he is my son and I do love him, so "yes, I will see you" I say. I saw him one time, bought him clothes and essentials, lunch and then took him back to shelter. He seemed sober! One week later, he had gotten a room in a house and when I went to pick him up at an arranged time ( by the way, he lives 1 hour away) he didn't answer the door or respond to his phone. I had an old IPad , food, bus pass and movie tickets as a gift for him. He was supposed to be sober! Several days later he called and asked when I was coming and has called each night since completely stoned. He was not sober! He has now decided to stay stoned since he doesn't have a family or anyone who cares about him. What a bunch of BS and guilt he is trying to heap on me. I wish, oh how I wish, I could divorce him just like his 1st and 2nd wives did! How do you divorce your son? So once again I am working on my serenity and praying for my son. These episodes only reinforce that there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do to change his behavior. I can only change mine.

Here is my wish for all you mothers who love an addicted child.....That your lives be filled with peace and serenity and that you can spend your years taking care of yourself and those who love you. I wish that you do not make someone a priority who only makes you an option. I am done being an option!

BellaBlue

Leftover, your story and mine are very similar. My AS has chosen to be out of all of our lives, also. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over a year. He is 37 now, no child. He is angry with me for very ridiculous reasons, trumped up in his alcohol poisoned brain. I'm mostly at peace with the whole mess, knowing there is nothing I can do or probably ever could have done to fix it.

I wonder what I would do if he called and said he needed me. Would I have the courage and strength to say no.

Leftover

BlueBelle. We are dealing with similar situations. My son is 42 and has been severely addicted for 22+ years. I had not seen him for 2 1/2 years until just a few weeks ago when he called and said he was sober and was truly working on recovery and wanted to reestablished his relationship with the family. Turns out he wasn't going to remain sober and just needed someone to fall back on. He did ask if he could come live with me and I had to say "no". I'm sure he expected more from me. I had surgery on Christmas Day and he sent a text ranting about how he shouldn't be alone on Christmas. In his addiction he has no rational thought about anyone or anything. Little does he realize how much it takes to be a loving, generous member of a family. I often wonder why this has happened in our family, but then realize his addiction has brought the rest of us closer and closer. We are always aware of the love that is needed. I'm sorry you have to go through this too. PM me anytime if you just need to talk.
For one loving mother to another.

Anaya

Very insightful.

I am so sorry for the bad experience, Leftover, and am sending prayers for you and your son.

I also regularly work on keeping boundaries with my adult son. It seems he looks for those who he can manipulate, and I continue to be on guard and aware of that.

Leftover

I don't always feel insightful, Anaya. But thank you for seeing that in me. I wonder, are you like me? Every time another episode comes up, I talk to myself and constantly question what is the right thing to do. I think because we are hard-wired to be mothers, it makes this detachment much more difficult. In the early years of this family tragedy, I cried, lost sleep and suffered with anxiety. I was constantly in turmoil and ridden with fear. It has taken many, many years to hold my head up and accept that I am helpless. In most situations, being helpless is a negative, but in dealing with a child's addiction, accepting helplessness is a blessing.

I'm hoping your boundaries are unfailing and that your serenity is unwavering.
From one loving mother to another......

Twofish

Hey Mommas,
I noticed that with my 24 yo recovering daughter on suboxone, went no contact, she stopped begging and stealing things/money from me and the endless lying, stopped, I found that I could breathe. I could move again. I've lost her, for how long? But I have gained the peace and other blessings around me, including my son, who has sat here for years watching his sisters fall to their knees in addiction.
My 21 yo AD swears she's sober, 20 days now...I think that she's walking a weak tight rope, I saw her at Xmas and saw fresh needle marks on her arms, I didn't even bother getting all worked up, it's not worth being on that rollarcoaster endless ride. For once I will come first.
She has texted me every night for the past 3 nights, "I'm bored" or "come get me", I didn't respond. I can't get sucked in again. Does that make me a bad momma? Addiction thinks so, but I don't. Prayers and tight hugs to the mommas...
2016 is filled with hope...for all of us.
TF

Leftover

Twofish, No one who as an active addict in their life would ever think you are a bad Mamma. Those who have not walked in our shoes are clueless to the damage done by living with and trying to help an addict, particularly an addict who you've loved your entire life. So so so difficult. I admire your strength and encourage to stay the course. If you need to talk PM me.

My new mantra is by Maya Angelou....."NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY WHEN ALL YOU ARE TO THEM IS AN OPTION."

I was an option to my son for 20+ years and he was my priority. No longer is that true. Do I worry about him? Yes. Do I pray for him? Yes. Do I assume his responsibilities? No. Do I have some peace? Yes. Is it hard? Yes.

Be strong.
From one loving mother to another.

Anaya

Yes, the early years...ugh...painful, scary, and sad.

I am in a better place now and hope that he (my son) is, too. He seems to be doing okay. We talk, but I really don't know much about the details of his life. What I do know is that lately, he has asked me to do stuff for him and also for money/not good; I do have to work to keep on my toes and keep boundaries in place.

Your heartfelt message is so very much appreciated.

Twofish

Yes, the early years trying to help the most precious gift us mommas are given...are so hard, especially the day the games STOPPED, and I finally uttered to myself the truth...my beloved daughters are suffering from the dreaded and cruel disease called addiction.
"ADDICT"was and still is at times such a painful word to say in the same sentence as my child's name is in. But you know what? Once I got that word out, admitted to myself that I couldn't fix my girls, I didn't cause it and certainly cannot cure them, I felt a little pressure in my heart, relax some. We have to take care of ourselves, not for a minute, but forever.
Addiction will not take this momma down. When addiction shows its ugly ways, I won't turn away and think it will blow over...but I will protect my sanity, take care of me and I strongly advise myself to accept support and compassion from those who have walked before me. No shame and no judging me again.
So now, we walk together, moms, dads, anyone who loves an addict. We are painfully aware of how a newbie or old timer feels, and we will be there to support each other.
And that's my 2 cents of advice to the one who hurts and feels helpless....
God Bless the loved one who loves the addicted person. Never give up hope, but set your boundaries and stick to them!!!
Try to lessen our suffering and find an ounce of peace, we deserve it!
Happy 2016!!! accept a hug, they really are comforting
TF

Anaya

Twofish: Thanks for the post - I imagine others in our community would feel it to be as comforting and hopeful as I do. A Happy 2016 to you with hugs!

I've read recently here at SR (don't have the link to the thread) a discussion drawing an analogy between letting go of an addicted loved one and the five steps of grief - denial-anger-bargaining-depression-acceptance - and I get it, understand the process. To those who have been separated from an addicted loved one by death, I don't intend to minimize or even begin to understand how you feel and hope I have not offended by bringing up the comparison.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Mommas, I have also found that letting go is so much harder once we let them back in again! JJ is currently in recovery, but so far he has not shown the ability to be on his own and be in recovery. He does well in programs, not so much on his own. I cannot allow him to run my life, though it is always there as a temptation for me to "help".
Here is to all of our peace and serenity in 2016
Hugs
TT

Leftover

I know how that gos Mysonjj. My son was homeless and staying night sat the Rescue Mission. I order to eat and sleep there you could not be stoned. When in got a room in a house, he was stoned in a day. Calling with slurred speech saying he was confused. Asking why he was alone on Christmas. " I am your son. I shouldn't have to beg." So far I have ignored the calls and texts, but wonder if I should respond. I can't imagine what I would say that I have not already said in
the past 20+ years. Any advice from you mamas?

Morning Glory

The hardest of all for me was when my son thought I didn't love him.
I would always text him and let him know how much I love him even though that wasn't ever enough for him. It made me feel better that I told him.

They don't seem to have any understanding of how much love and how much of our heart we pour out to them even when there is no contact. I don't think my son will ever understand that or know what I've been through.

Most of the moms would gladly give their lives if it would save their children. Giving our lives won't save them from addiction. It got to the point that all I wanted was for him to know how much I love him. It's important that he knows I love him and not just think I'm being mean and rejecting him.

Leftover

Thanks Glory. That's exactly how I feel. I'm afraid he thinks, in his addiction, that I don't love him and that I'm just being mean. However, each time I respond to him with a text or a phone call to tell him I care about him, to tell him I love him, he then goes off the edge and goes on and on about his terrible situation. He wants my help and I feel as if I'm being dragged back into his addiction. Does that also happen to you? How do you show love and deal with his attempt to pull you back?
I have just ignored him all week, but feel so bad about it. This mama is once again confused and being used up by his addiction.

Morning Glory

There are some things I remember that helped. I would call 911 every time he played the suicide card. He stopped doing that.

When he would call to dump all his problems on me I would ask him what he wanted to do to help himself and give him some options. He would always refuse the help so I would tell him not to tell me his problems if he wasn't willing to do anything about them. When he continued I would tell him I love him and hang up on him. He stopped calling and dumping it all on me. We eventually were able to have a normal short conversation.

When he called desperate I would tell him to call 911. He eventually learned to do that himself. If he had no where to go I would tell him to go sit in a hospital emergency room so he had shelter. He did that and usually checked himself in for medical treatment. He would usually walk out, but he was there for some treatment.

I did get suckered back in a couple of years ago when he and his girlfriend said the young kids and brand new baby were going to be homeless. I let them stay with me and it was a total disaster.

I was never strong enough to break all contact, but I could keep the drama at a distance.

Leftover

Thanks Glory, are you sure these aren't the same men? Several years ago my son, wife and four children were homeless and he asked to live with us. I was able to say "no"' but he walked out and I didn't hear from him, his wife and children for over 2 years. His wife is now divorcing him and I still have not seen the children or her. He has reconnect d because he is desperate and homeless again. I like what you were able to do as far has texts and phone calls. How is your son today? Did he ever find sobriety and do you see your grandchildren? I don't have hope for that. My son has been affected mentally by his drug abuse for 20+ years. His thinking is distorted and he is mentally disabled now. Very sad situation, but enevitable without sobriety.

Anaya

((((Leftover))))

Though sometimes it hurts and I feel guilty (unfounded), I usually choose to keep my boundaries. My son can be a master manipulator, one point I consider and reflect on when I start to second guess my boundaries.

What MorningGlory says about expressing love -- totally agree. Even though son and I may disagree, there's usually an I love you, Mom and I love you, too at the end of our phone conversations.

At this point, his girlfriend of over one year seems to have fallen into the enabling role and husband and I get the idea/feel as though she thinks we're noncaring parents, etc. I guess that's where "what other people think of me is none of my business" comes in. As far as we know, she has no idea of our son's hx (violence, trouble with the law, drug abuse behaviors in years before she dated him) and we're not jumping in to tell her/staying on our side of the street. It probably wouldn't help matters to do so.

Morning Glory

I have gone through that so many times. The girlfriends always try to pull me into it. There is no way to explain that I have already tried that a million times so I don't and keep my distance. They think I'm horrible.

My son has been sober for close to 2 years now. He hit a point when he called 911 and was ready for help. The social worker got him into a treatment facility immediately. He got kicked out after 60 days, but remained sober.

I do not get to see my first two grandchildren. My son has 2 more children with his current girlfriend and I do get to see them. When the relationships break up the grandchildren are gone also. I really had a hard time with that. I also have a hard time bonding with them because I know they might be taken from me again.

Anaya

MorningGlory: I am sorry that you cannot see your oldest grandbabies.

Congrats to your son on his sober time. That is good news.

If you don't mind me saying so, you sound like a remarkable person.

hummingbird358

i have been reading through this thread and I admire each one of you for being able to do what you do. In 10 days, my son who has an alcohol problem, will be moving 26 hours away to start his life away from our "sh*thole of a town" and where weed is legal. He has 2 college degrees and no job as of yet. He has been working since August but has not saved much of anything for his trip. The $ he has came from Christmas and graduation gifts. To make a long story short. He had a major breakdown the day after Christmas when his manipulation backfired on him and his girlfriend didn't want to see him again. He played the self harm card and I wish she would have called 911 like mentioned above on him. She finally did agree to talk to him again and made it clear that she didn't want him drinking anymore. She made him agree to get help. We both wanted him to do inpatient but he refused due to his moving in 10 days.... Well, I my suspicions were correct. He was drinking last night. I should have gotten up to see what he carried into the house but I didn't. Today after he left for work I noticed he took his garbage out of his room which was a dead giveaway! Yep, he drank and he also urinated in his bed again. I have 10 days left of this. I WILL need strength from my friends on here to get through this. I know when he drives off I will break down. I had spoken to his therapist which he agreed to see again and he also wants him to go into inpatient. I guess until he is FORCED into it by his own actions he won't go. That is what I am waiting for. That is what I expect to happen once he leaves. I am dreading the phone call that he has no money. I don't want to give him any. I wish he would have had a job before the move. He had interviews over the phone and through skype but I suspect he had drank before them and most likely the person could tell. That is just me guessing. I agreed to pay his rent for 2 months just so I know he has a home but after that he is on his own. He has no clue what expenses will be. SO much to learn. I do have one? IF he calls me from his new state and threatens suicide or self harm, can I call 911 from my state??