Troubledsister

My brother and his son were going to stay with us over Xmas week. I found out a few days prior to their planned arrival date that he was completely off the wagon. (Had a bad feeling after not being able to reach him over 3 days and X gf confirmed he had been out.) I didn't panic or CXL their trip. My kids were looking forward to seeing their cousin. Then, my brother got very sick - stomach bug or detox - who knows? But I asked him to defer coming up or staying here til he was clear of the virus, basically wait a couple nights.

Of course he didn't like that and texted wtf to me.

I haven't responded since, and not heard from him. He came up when he wanted (Mon night) and is staying with friends. He's seen my parents. No call to me of course. I'm tired of feeling like a doormat to his addict and narcissist personality. I've agreed (via my mom) to meet him and my nephew at my parents house on Xmas.
Hoping the knots in my stomach will soon fade. My mom has also been going thru chemo so I'm trying my best for her too. Thinking of detachment but my sons bar mitzvah is 3 months away and there's a family wedding in June. How do I keep my distance and yet have some kind of relationship that doesn't hurt me??

Thanks for letting me vent.

CodeJob

Hello Troubled Sister,

It seems to me you did pretty good on your boundary. He did what he wanted to do, but it wasn't at your house!

Are things usually calm at your mom's? Is that a neutral area? If so, then I would just focus on being grateful you will see everyone together. That is a blessing.

But the knots in your stomach - are they from you trying to come up with comebacks and possible interventions for all of these upcoming events? I've done three things to help stop the hamster in my head.

1. Work out hard like run or spin. Also helps with SLEEP!
2. Meditate (I always fall ASLEEP!)
3. Truncate all hamster thoughts with Serenity Prayer.
(over and over and over and over)

Good luck to you!

Troubledsister

Thanks Code Job.

I'm not exactly sure why the knots. Guilt over kids not seeing their cousin. Hurt over how my brother treats me. Guilt that I can't save my nephew (he's 10 and being raised by a crack addict, left alone some nights, or dropped at neighbors, or rescued by his mom, etc) I know it's the addict's actions and not who he used to be, but still.

Good advice. I do turn to exercise, will try the rest!

PuzzledHeart

Troubledsister, I also struggle with trying to detach with compassion. If you read my posts, I tend to lurch towards pity or anger instead. The mere title of your thread struck me to the quick.

I've become much better about drawing my boundaries. Admittedly, much of the reason why I'm drawing boundaries is just the fact that I plain don't have the energy to deal with my sister, especially since my mom got her cancer diagnosis. I get incredibly frustrated when she calls me and ask me to do this favor or that favor. And of course it had to be done RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

I've learned that it is impossible to ask her for anything, including help for my mom. So now I just don't.

What I find frustrating is the fact that my sister can be so functional and so nice to people who have limited contacted with her, especially members of my extended family. If there is a party, she is ON and she is Martha Stewart/Mother Teresa on speed, whereas I am running to the bathroom so I can get a moment's peace. My family, on the whole, is pretty extroverted and also don't really have any concept of boundaries. Part of it is cultural, but part of if it is just plain crazy. I still hear the story about how one of the homeless people my grandmother let live in the house had a psychotic episode and sliced my cousin's face with a Coke bottle. My aunt and uncle let their own addict son pitch a tent IN THEIR LIVING ROOM because he feels like it. So I get a _lot_ of pressure to remain in contact with my sister. I get accused of being "too American" on occasion. If being too American means keeping my sanity, I am all for it!

I know that I'm probably not helping matters, and I can't dish out any practical advice. But I just wanted to let you know that there are other people, like myself, who get accused of being the bad guys, when all we're doing is struggling to stand up in the weeds of a loved one's addiction, and you are not alone.

Troubledsister

Going to my parents today at 4. They say my brother won't be there and doesn't want to see me. I explained to my kids and they seem ok with it. They don't know my brother is an addict but I did explain his rude and selfish behavior. Since my brother lives in another state, I've never told my kids the truth about him. They are 14 and 12. At what age do u tell?

biminiblue

When they witness his addict behavior. I think 12 and 14 are past the age of being confused by a true discussion. They're already exposed to it in school and at social events, you can be sure.

Troubledsister

Well, my 14 year old daughter turned on the computer and came across sober recovery when she typed "s". She asked me why I was on this site. I froze and said it was for a friend, but she knows me too well. She asked if it was for dad for smoking. When I said no she immediately guessed her Uncle. She has heard enough about cocaine from school health lessons and said "He's gonna die!" She was sad to learn this ugly truth about him, but I was able to have a mature conversation with her about how we can't control another adults behavior. I also told her not to hate him- he's a different person now - one changed by drugs.

On another note, my dad is back to total denial mode! He actually said to me that my brother sounded fine on the phone and his GF must be exaggerating. I really need to keep my distance and sanity...😱 So I don't get 🤒 "Sick" too!

biminiblue

yeah, it's going to be difficult for everyone.

Troubledsister

So my brother who came into town when he wanted, and refused to see us at my folks house on Xmas, finally sent my kids holiday gifts. But he sent them to my dads email account!! I'm sure he only sent them because my parents asked him to - I had dropped gifts off for his kids at my parents' house on Xmas, which he picked up the next day. Can you say angry passive aggressive? I never heard thanks from him and now my dad had the nerve to ask me to thank him -- for gifts sent a month late -- and not sent to me.

Aargh.