hummingbird358

So in exactly 2 months my son plans on moving across the country to start life on his own.... Most of you know I feel my son is an alcoholic even though he does not. We have been to hell and back with him. This past June was the climax and then he realized he needed some help. He started therapy and was sober for at least 8 weeks or more. Then I started seeing some beer cans and then more beer cans. He turned 21 a few weeks ago and well he has not stopped drinking. His usual is 12 cans in the morning when he awakes then 12 cans or more after returning home from work/school.... Last night it hit me... that is equivalent to 2.66 GALLONS of beer in one day! (He moved up to 12 oz cans/bottles). He had started with 6packs, now 12packs but twice a day. He doesn't purchase 30 packs yet.... So today I said to him "For as intelligent as you are, do you realize you are drinking 2.66 Gallons of beer in one day? The recommended daily allowance of water is not even a gallon.... He just stared at the ceiling when I told him. He has not been "drunk" or belligerent like he used to be. But this is not good. How on Earth does he feel there is nothing wrong? He stopped going to therapy, he doesn't take his anxiety pills like he is supposed to either. I just wish something would soon ring his bell and he would realize he has a serious problem! He just tells me that if he were at college instead of a commuter that I would not know how much he drinks and this is normal for college kids..... Is urinating yourself normal at age 21? Is waking up and drinking 12 beers normal? I don't think so! Wish I could see the future. I am scared for when he moves because I know it won't be good. He will be 1600 miles away and then what? SO many WHAT IF's I think of!

BlueWisteria

An active addict/alcoholic has to find their own bottom.
We have to detach and allow this to happen on its own.
And be there for them if and when they need help.
Its not healthy for us not to detach
as the active alcoholic/addict is always self destructive and abusive
and incapable of love or a normal healthy relationship of any kind.
If we choose to enable them then we are part of the problem not the solution.

CodeJob

hummingbird, this is your home. You are allowing this to happen in your home.

My own RAH knows if he relapses, he is out of our family home. What consequences were in place for your son if he drank in your home?

NeedAFriend88

Well, I found you! You sent me a PM and it wouldn't let me respond because I had not posted a minimum of 5 times. Anyway, I'm sorry for your situation. Trust me, at this point, I don't feel like I can give parenting advice to anyone! But, we did attend a Family Program at our sons treatment facility, and although as a strong Christian I disagreed with a lot of what they were saying, I do think setting boundaries and the parts about us not enabling was very helpful. I know you are scared about what might happen to your son when he moves, but it might be the best for him and your marriage. He does need to grow up and start taking responsibility for his own actions. I know firsthand how terrifying it is to not know what might be happening, but you must trust in God and let him reap the consequences of his behavior. Hopefully by the grace of God he will survive and learn some powerful lessons and seek help in breaking his alcoholism - but, one thing is for certain - he won't learn these lessons if he is at home having all his needs provided for him. I am reading, "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is helping me know how to set boundaries. It sounds like your son, just like mine, needs treatment - but, ultimately (in my opinion) they both need a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My son seems to be progressing better in his treatment, but unless he comes back to God, I don't view anything as a "success" whether he is sober or not. This is true for all of us. What I am learning, is that I can't control his life or his faith. I am only responsible for myself. These trials are drawing me closer to God and my relationship with Him. I read and study His Word far more than ever before, and my prayer life is way healthier! I hope you will find a good church and small group bible study. This will not only give you hope, but give you support. Nothing is better than a small group of people you can share your struggles with and know they are praying for you. I too live in a small town and we run a small business. As a result I do not feel comfortable opening up this situation with my son to my small group bible study - they probably would be very understanding, etc... but you are right, a small town is a unique situation. However, just this past week I shared what we are going through with one friend from my church. I perceived her as someone I could trust, she isn't a gossiper, and she seems to take her relationship with Jesus seriously. I can't tell you how much better I feel. She had so much compassion and shared with me her struggles having an alcoholic brother (which I never knew). She is now praying for me and my son. We have made a "date" to go walking once a week and share each other's burdens and end our time praying together. I am so excited about this, and I encourage you to find someone too. If you don't go to church, please find a good bible believing church and start going. Also, start going to Sunday School or a ladies bible study. I can guarantee you you will be blessed, your marriage will be blessed and strong possibility that when your son sees the change in you, he will want to know more and he will reach out to God and then God can change him as well! Thanks again for reaching out to me. It is wonderful to connect with others who are dealing with similar struggles. God Bless!